Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

🚩 Frustration You may not get visibly or noticeably angry, but you often get frustrated. Annoyed. A little like arrghh - but only inside. And sometimes maybe even so frustrated that you want to cry.
Do you know this?
If you are often frustrated with others, know that frustration is just a nicer word for anger.

🚩 Disappointment "Mom's not angry, Mom's disappointed,".
Are you often disappointed by others?
Disappointed with the neighbor who never puts the lawnmower back in the garage, when he borrows it.
Disappointed that your son only comes to visit, when he has to do laundry.
Disappointed with your boss who gave the promotion he promised you to someone else. You don't say anything, but know that disappointment is just a nicer word for anger. Disappointment is a sign of uncommunicated anger.

🚩 Hurt
You rarely get angry, but often sad or hurt. About other people's comments or behavior. You don't say much, but inside your head you have a fierce internal dialogue. You may feel de-prioritized, unimportant, overlooked, forgotten, taken for granted ... and then you withdraw or become quiet. If you often get upset, know that hurt is a nicer word for anger. It's just anger being turned inward, instead of outward.

So… if you know one of these three emotions very well, then you have an anger problem.

What do you continue to do for others even though you are tired of it?

It's an incredibly good question to ask yourself once in a while.
What do I continue to do for others – or say yes to – even though I'm tired of it?
Think about your life right now. On this day. And reflect on how that question lands in you - today. You don't focus on what you have done in the past, but what you are currently doing.
What behavior do I allow even if I am unhappy with it?
What have I agreed to that I don't want or don't want?
What do I do, even if it bothers me?
What do I say “never mind” to even though I still spend energy thinking about it?

When we feel taken advantage of or taken for granted, it is usually because we have given more than we wanted to give or originally wanted wanted to give.

It is a sign that we have ignored our own no.
And we cannot blame others for that. But we can start saying no. We can begin!

But how?
How do you do it ?
And what that question means is typically: How to DO ... without it being dangerous, dramatic, violent or aggressive.

How to DO it ... without alienating people. Because it is often the fear. That our no will create drama, huge conflict and discord.

It is possible to say no or set limits in a calm and friendly way.
Remember, you are saying no to the action, not the person.

Boundary setting does not destroy healthy relationships. If a relationship breaks down because you set a boundary, the relationship was probably already unhealthy to begin with.

The difference between would like  to and want to :

Sometimes we choose to do things we don't particularly want to do ourselves, in order to please others.
For example, going to the playground with our child, moving for a friend or seeing a concert that we would not have chosen ourselves with our boyfriend, father or teenage daughter.

Sometimes we choose to do things that are out of whack because we can't bear to think about the alternative.
For example, to make lunch for our teenage son, because we know that otherwise he won't get lunch at high school.

If you do, accept that right now it is your choice to do so and that you can choose not to do so at any time.

Only do things for other people when you want to. And again; will means not always want to.

E.g.:
I didn't particularly feel like making a burger for my son when he came home at 9.30pm after playing basketball for several hours yesterday. But I wanted to. Because it was important to me that he got something solid to eat, and not just a cheap of cup noodles he wanted to make himself. I wanted to do him that favor.

Say no when you don't want to do something. Tell the truth. Show others that respect. Stop lying to them. Because that's actually what we do, when we agree to do things, we don't really want to do.. We lie 🙂 And we have to stop that. For everyone's sake.

What are boundaries ?

We live in a world with people who are different from us
We may have preferences
We can request something else
Taking other people into account is something we all have to do

Is this my personal preference?
Or is this offensive, degrading, violent ?

Other people have the right to ask you for something and you have the right to say no
You don't have to defend or explain your boundaries
You do not have to discuss your boundaries
You don't need to over explain or rationalize your boundaries
Boundaries have consequences and they can have consequences for your social life
You always have the right to go back and set a limit
If thinking about the situation  is still draining your energy , don't ignore your boundaries 
You are always allowed to return to the person
You are allowed to chance your mind

The important difference between boundaries and values, preferences, demands and control:

Do you mix boundaries, needs and preferences togethers. These are very different things. And that is extremely important to understand. Especially in relationships, people , “but it's my need!". It does not work. A need is not a limit, and you have no right to have it respected.

Value clash:
- punctuality
- eating dinner together every evening
- not reading text messages when eating dinner

Anger based on a

Maybe it's just something different than what you had hoped for

It's preferences and you can't set limits on that

It is important to me
we have sex every week
that we go out every week
that the bed is made every day

One should not fulfill one's partner's preferences The other has every right to say no

If you live together, you have to come to a solution

As a woman, remember to think about the mental load - consider if there is something you no longer want to take responsibility for

Say it out loud

Uncommunicated needs, preferences tend to become irritations, frustrations, bitterness wich can end in passive agressive behavior and can end the relationship

Remember, you never "have to" do anything (victim language):

Remember that you don't HAVE to do anything
There is no one who can force you to do anything
You don't have to do anything
You may choose / you may say NO
There is nothing you HAVE to do

Ask yourself - do I want this

Maybe you do it even if it's hard (e.g. taking Care of a parent with dementia)
Accept this right now
And yes you can change your mind
It is beautiful to do something for the community , for other people
You must take full responsibility for what you do

Test - how do you feel after you have said yes ?
- are you feeling, bitter, angry, ect. ?

No one can force us to do what we do for other adults