|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 20, 2021 5:47:55 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2021 9:27:56 GMT
Your automatic reactions when you have to set boundaries
We are all equipped with the same nervous system, and we humans have a number of automatic responses that are typically activated when we face a challenge. When you experience a threat, you will typically respond either by: fighting, escape, freeze.
If you tend to “freeze,” you will find that you become immobile and unable to do or say anything. It is not something you do on purpose but just an automatic reaction that resides in your nervous system, which is typically activated in a situation where you experience you can not defend yourself or do anything about the threat. Therefore, we can also sometimes experience that we are in shock if we are attacked and fail to either defend ourselves or distance ourselves from the threat.
Fight or flight are the more action-oriented ways of reacting, and whether you go on the attack, defend yourself, flee or remove yourself will depend on many things - both your personality, the other party's way of behaving and your experiences.
The fawn response makes it very difficult to set boundaries Another typical automatic response is the “fawn response,” which is also called the trauma response. The fawn response causes you to submit to the needs of others and write off your own, which of course makes it very difficult to set boundaries on your own behalf. The fawn response can occur if, for example, you grew up in an unsafe or unpredictable environment or are exposed to an unsafe or unpredictable environment as an adult, where there is an unequal power relationship such as between you and a leader or partner who is you physically or psychologically. superior.
The fawn response occurs because the anxiety associated with setting a limit becomes too overwhelming. It may be that you need professional help or have extra patience with yourself when you need to learn to set boundaries if you have a history that makes it particularly difficult.
Set conscious boundaries - from reaction to response
The above automatic reactions are impulses you can choose to act on or not.
Emotions and impulses are information you can use to figure out what boundaries you want to set, but you do not have to react automatically to your emotions.
In fact, psychological maturity is a matter of being able to accommodate your emotions and reactions and be with them long enough for you to choose a conscious response.
Here are some key steps you can take to begin the process of preparation for setting boundaries:.
Consciousness.
The first step is to feel at all that there is a need to set a limit. You can feel it in your body and it is not complicated. Your boundaries go where they go.
Find out how to communicate your limit, or whether to walk away or wait.
Prepare if necessary. if it is difficult. Write down what you want to say, flip it with someone you trust. Consider how to set a clear boundary without either explaining away and apologizing or criticizing and attacking.
Take responsibility for how you set boundaries in a proper way. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the reaction of others to your boundaries
Examples of what you can say:
"Stop".
"I do not want to".
"It's ok if you do not agree, but I want us to keep a respectful tone."
"I need to think about it."
"Wait".
"Thank you for asking, but unfortunately I can not".
"If we are to continue the conversation, it must take place in a proper tone, otherwise I will end the conversation here."
"I am leaving now".
"I need to think."
Boundaries are not up for discussion
Also remember that boundaries are not up for discussion. You do not have to explain or apologize to them. Maybe you can give an explanation if it makes sense in the situation, but especially if the other party questions your limits in a critical way, it is important that you do not embark on a discussion, as it is a sign of unwillingness to respect your boundaries.
If you experience that you set a limit and it is not respected, then you can repeat the message and otherwise say the following, for example:
"It's ok, you do not agree, but I expect you to respect my limit."
"It's not something I want to discuss."
Or you can simply leave if needed.
Remember, the only ones who get angry that you set a reasonable limit in a proper way are those who do not respect your limits.
And how do you find out if your limits are reasonable?
You do this by getting to know yourself and your needs. No one else can determine where your boundaries go. That said, it may be a good idea to talk to others you trust about your boundaries to find out what your healthy boundaries are and where you might be. need to let go of or change some of your previous boundaries.
Set boundaries face to face if possible
Text messages and emails can be easily misunderstood, and while our conflict shyness makes it tempting to set boundaries that way, take courage and talk to people when setting important boundaries. It allows you to have a conversation and clear up misunderstandings, and in particular, it allows both parties to feel and hear the intention behind what is being said.
If you manage to set a limit with genuine understanding of the other party, you are far more likely to be heard and a good dialogue can start.
If you know in advance that there is no breeding ground for a proper dialogue, it may be a good idea to set a limit in writing. This is especially an option if you do not want the dialogue to continue. But consider it carefully and check if it is your notions of people's reaction rather than the probable reaction you envision.
Also keep in mind that setting a limit can be avoid answering.
If people invite you to a discussion by going on the attack, do not enter into the discussion. If others demand an answer in an aggressive way, then you do not need to answer.
Set imperfect boundaries - practice makes perfect
When you have to set healthy boundaries, it rarely gets perfect. It is always better to have an imperfect limit set than not to have it set at all. As like with everything else, practice makes perfect.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 5, 2021 18:12:41 GMT
NO is often not a whole sentence.
6 different ways to say NO
6 whole sentences you can use when you have to say no.
1)
Let me just think about it (think, think, think…). No, unfortunately I can not.
2)
I can do that if I can give you this task in return. Otherwise, unfortunately, I am not able to do it. What is most important?
3)
I would love to, but there are simply already some super important things I do not even reach (and super important people I do not even get to see) so unfortunately I can not.
4)
I can not. Unfortunately. Hope you find a solution. Otherwise, ask X.
5)
Do as Lizzy in Jayne Austen's Pride and Prejudice when she is proposed to, but has to say no. Explain how honored and happy you are for the request, and how much respect for the person's needs you have, but that you unfortunately have to say no. And hope then that they understand the message a little better than Mr. Collins…
6)
(To those who try to blame you when you say no, and to whom you should especially say no to):
You know what, I simply can not. I can see it's a problem for you / annoying for you / that you get frustrated about it, but unfortunately I can not.
With certain insistent types, No. 6 is repeated in different versions a number of times until the person understands the message
The thing is about saying no, that no matter how long and diplomatic sentences one uses, one must be able to tolerate that people are not happy with the boundary you set
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Nov 27, 2021 7:28:45 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Mar 25, 2022 9:22:45 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 13, 2022 1:38:48 GMT
About anger in women and girls There are several studies that show that women's anger is not interpreted and perceived in the same way as men's. At the same time, women who merely criticize or speak up about a problem and, for example, refuse to let others interrupt are perceived as anger, and this is seen as negative and non-feminine. “When a women shows anger in institutional, political, and professional settings, she automatically violates gender norms. … When a man becomes angry in an argument or debate, people are more likely to abandon their own positions and defer to his. But when a women acts the same way, she’s likely to elicit the opposite response. ” wrote Soraya Chemaly in her book: "Rage Becomes Her". Women who are angry are often perceived as hysterical and thus illogical and out of control, while men's anger is perceived as more justified, more in order. Before 1950, "hysteria" (the word comes from the Greek word for uterus) was a psychiatric diagnosis. The predicate is still used primarily about women - especially women who criticize power or talk about injustice. This means that anger can firstly disqualify your opinions and the facts you present if you are a woman, and that you are more likely to be perceived as angry, even if you simply express criticism, for example. At the same time, there are a lot of jokes about women not saying what they want, that women are manipulative, that she says "fine" to the question of how it goes, but she does not mean that at all, dangerous for a male partner who does not have a clue about where he stands. "Dangerous"? It is not dangerous as in that he risks being killed. No, but when women quickly learn that when they make demands, express that they are dissatisfied / angry about something, then they are given predicates about being "too much" and are told that "now you just have to relax" , yes then unfortunately it often becomes a strategy NOT to express needs clearly, but instead let dissatisfaction come out as something Else. Tiring for the surroundings, but also understandable. When anger becomes a forbidden emotion, it comes out in other ways. In this way, stereotypical perceptions of gender harm both women themselves and their surroundings. At the same time, it is a really effective way to get a group of people to shut up with criticism / anger over things that hold them back, oppress them and are unfair. It's sexism. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18315800/www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/10/151026172546.htmwww.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/magazine/i-used-to-insist-i-didnt-get-angry-not-anymore.htmlwww.nytimes.com/2018/09/13/sports/serena-williams-discrimination-black-women.htmljezebel.com/the-misogyny-of-greta-thunbergs-critics-1838397419 |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Apr 21, 2022 19:37:38 GMT
What we call crossing of boundaries is often about meeting our own inner limitations for what we have the emotional resources to accommodate.
Only physically abusive behavior can be cross-border.
The experience of others' behavior as cross-border often points to that
1) We have gone into fear
2) experience us threatened at our dignity
Often when we articulate the behavior of others as cross-border, it is about the fact that we have reached the limits of our own inclusiveness - that we do not have the resources to down-regulate fear and that we feel affected on our dignity.
When we maintain our own sense of our dignity, we are less likely to fear that others may take it away from us.
With attention to our own arousel, we can give ourselves the breaks needed to accommodate our emotional charge.
From here we can make choices based on what is most self loving.
When we call other people's behavior cross-border, we transfer all responsibility to the other party, while it is deeply individual what is experienced as cross-border.
There is a big difference in what activates our fears.
There is a big difference between how much we are each in contact with our dignity and when we experience violations of it.
Freedom is to feel, to sense that YOUR dignity is YOURS and no human being can take it away from you ❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 11, 2022 6:13:44 GMT
Many people mistakenly believe that only others exceed our limit ...
But in fact, it is ourselves who do it every time we say yes to something we do not feel for
And when we explain and defend in an attempt to justify our needs, and boundaries, we allow others to question our boundaries, and put doubt in us.
Remember, your boundaries are personal ...
They are there to take care of you, and make sure you get a life you love to live ....
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 16, 2022 6:06:43 GMT
Why do anger exercises ?
It works on the instinktive level - below the heart chakra = solar plexus, root chakra and hara chakra.
Unfortunately, there are many spiritual people who skip or displace their 3 lowest chakras. It's a shame, because with the 3 integrated, the top 3 can unfold fully when the heart is allowed to create balance between top and bottom!
The intention :
When we use anger meditation, the intention is to create a transformation of anger - NOT of the person who we are angry with.
Since energy follows intention, the energy will NOT hit the person on whom you practice anger meditation!
The body has to keep the anger until it can flow through
We work with the anger that is already stored in the body! So what we do energetically is that we very briefly give the body / the instinctive level the opportunity to release and transform the already existing anger in the body back to life energy and get out of powerlessness and into control / free choice. Anger that may have been there for 40-50-60 years!
Even if you do not have conscious thoughts or feel the anger in everyday life, the body has still carried it around.
Anger meditation
When is the method used?
Anger meditation is especially good for ambivalent / nervous attatched. whereas dismissives will find it strange. Disorganized people can also benefit from it, but can become overwhelmed. They typically need one or more competent protectors along the way.
The meditation is used for 30 days, 5-10 minutes every day and then as needed.
Ie. every time you get annoyed, angry, upset or you resign.
In short, the method involves taking back your power, your vitality and energy. The ambivalent is a master at being in the role of victim.
The way back to rest in oneself and be safe in love and life in general is to take ownership of anger (power), not to use it to have power over anyone, but to stand by oneself and rest in oneself .
Anger is one of the most misunderstood and thus mistreated in our modern life.
When we talk about anger, there are two important misconceptions that need to be deleated:
- That you have to get rid of anger
- That you have to get rid of the anger by acting out
Both misunderstandings very often lead to the fact that if you practice them, you get a moment where you feel stronger. But in the long run, the two misunderstandings actually build up anger, and worst of all, strengthen the victim role.
In the case of the disorganized attachment pattern, there is a high risk of building up the trauma energy, rather than reducing it. It's like peeing in your pants to keep warm. Immediately nice, but then later much more uncomfortable.
The ambivalent / nervous attached will typically try to change others with anger or come to turn the anger towards themselves and thereby lose their self-esteem.
Both are dead ends.
Two chair angeexercise:r
Put your ex or another person on a chair in your room.
Your body decides how far away you want the person.
If you are scared of the person you can bring in resources, e.g. 2 policemen/2 members from hells angels who can stand on each side of the person.
If it is a weak person you can bring in resources e.g. the persons parents, partner, angels ect. to stand by the person.
You can also bring in resources for yourself. Imagine a grandmother, animals, your children, a friend, your therapist to stand by your side.
Do the two chair exercise.
1)
Say out loud: (even if IT feels wierd)
What did He say, do, dident do, dident say ?
Be concrete
Do not Make assumptions, because This puts you in the victim role. You cant REALLY know what the other was Thinking, why the other person did what her/she did.
Examble:
I am angry at You That You never answared when I asked You about xxxx
I am angry at You about All the times You just left the room when I was talkning to you
I am angry at You That You critised my looks
I am angry at You All the times That You asked me why do You do This and That...
Ect.
How does IT feel in your Body eg is your Heart pondering, your stomac, your throath ect.
Stay with the sensations.
2) Then allow your Body to do what the body wants You to do.(kick, push, spit, shake ect.)
Say: "I am so angry at You That I just want to shake You..." Do the movement in slowmotion. Or hit him in slowmotion.
How does IT feel in your Body now?
Is there a Shift in your Body/in your breathing ?
Then You Will Get back into Power.
Its a process You can use as a detox 5-10 minutters every Day for 30 Days.
This connects to your unconcious.
Be precise, concrete, Be carefull That You do not talk as a victim.
If This exercise builds Up your anger after one week, then look at your sentences and change Them.
IT is just about getting started.....
Before getting started You can say to the sadness, That IT is okay, sadness You are allowed to Be here right now That You are here...ect.
Okay worry You are also allowed to Be here right Now
Okay anger You are allowed to Be here right now.
Just allow what ever feeling/sensation That is coming up.
This exercise Will Get your nerveussystem to land and release some of your lifeenergy.
Anger is just natural, when we do not Get our needs met or we do not set our boundaries respected.
Do You think one of your Friends would Be angry if they were You ?
IT is not about rage, hitting pillows, screaming ect. This Will only build Up more anger, and IT is not about building Up anger But about Get IT transformed into lifeenergy.
IT can Be like poison if You are angry at yourself and IT can drain your lifeenergy. Every time You are getting angry at yourself do the above exercise instead
You can also think about what have happend earlier in You life, that made You allow being treated This way. What is your own history...
Also use This exercise with other People - your Friends, You boss, your parents even your kids.
If You are getting overwhelmed or starting feeling some angst/anxiaty, pause and do the water tank exercise. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31863/
We do not heal when we are getting overwhelmed.
Be aware of your breathing, grunding to the chair with your sitting bones, legs and feet in the floor. Fell the sensations in your body, the shift in you breathing aso.
Maybe the person in the chair changes into one of your parents! Do the exersice again with one of your parents. One parent at a time. Again if you need to set a boundarie, use your hand and arm in slow motion.
If it's too overwhelming for your nervous system to hit, kick ect. at one you are angry at, you can imagine someone else doing it for you. It still needs to happen in slow motion, so that the old part of the brain can integrate.
You can letvout sounds, grawl ect.
Regarding screaming, it does not work if it is a cry of powerlessness. You risk being retraumatized.
The same can happen by acting out, hitting pollows, ect. as some therapists recommends, e.g. in gestalt therapy.
It can retraumatize you and your nervous system can get more out of balance.
People with trauma or disorganized attachment style need to pay special attention and be extra cautious
Remember titration - small steps is important!
What to do if you start to cry when doing this exercise .`?
Tears are ALWAYS welcome. If they get you away from the anger, you can spend a moment allowing them to be there but not decide and then return to the anger.
Tears can be a sign of Grief, Missing, longing, lack of fulfillment of needs e.g. to feel loved, Compassion (with oneself), A way to get rid of overwhelm / tension in the nervous system, Abandonment (that the other is hopeless)
Some people get tears when they get (very) angry - it is a way for the nervous system to regulate the tension
3) After these exercises, maybe (and hopefully) you will get the feeling in the body, that you want to reach out. Do it with your hands and arms reaching out like a todler/a baby would do, while imagening the person sitting in front of you. This exersice makes you being able to reach out for what you want in your life and in your lovelife.
If now the other would / could do anything the body could think of, what would the body want from him / her?
Imagine that you get something from the other person what your body would like to recieve.
Feel it in the body
Integrate the feeling into the body = Give the body all the time it needs to absorb this state. Let it into every little cell
Remember 5-10 minutes every day for 30 days
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 16, 2022 6:11:06 GMT
Leonard Jacobsen :
Anger:
Leonard Jacobsen decribes anger meditation in his book "the journey into now". Be careful not to get overaroused. A SE attatchment therapist can be helpful to regulate the nerveus system.
I have been feeling depressed and anxious lately. Can you speak about depression?
Answer:
If you have been feeling depressed, it more than likely indicates that you have anger repressed within you. If you repress anger, it turns inward and it can lead to depression and anxiety. If you want to come out of the depression, you will have to learn how to express anger in a conscious and responsible way.
Whenever you feel angry, it is an indication that you are not getting what you want or you are putting up with what you don't want.
Ask yourself the following questions:Is there anything I want that I am not getting? Am I angry about that?
* Is there anything that I am putting up with that I don't want? Am I angry about that? * Did I express what I want or what I don't want in a clear and loving way? If not why not? * Do I even know what I want or what I do not want?
If you don't know what you want, or you failed to express what you want clearly and lovingly, how can you be angry at others if you do not get what you want?
The belief that you cannot have what you want, or you have to accept what you don't want, can form in early childhood, and it then affects the whole of your life. This unconscious belief is often accompanied by a subtle and constant feeling of anger. It is possible that anger has been repressed within you from early childhood.
Anger is usually a response to feeling hurt. We often feel angry as a way of avoiding the hurt.. If you want to liberate yourself from depression, you will have to liberate the feelings of anger and hurt within you. This means that you will have to feel the anger and allow it into conscious and responsible expression. Then allow the hurt or sadness to surface. Have a good cry. You will feel much better afterwards.
Right expression will clear depression.
The true expression of anger is not about catharsis. It is much more about hitting the right note. You have to allow anger its voice. You have to let anger express as anger. Anger is not nice. It likes to rant and rave and blame and hurt. You cannot express anger without swearing and blaming. Anger wants to get even. Anger is outrageous, but you cannot discover this unless you allow it full expression in a responsible way.
It is important that you do not dump your anger on anyone. Do not involve anyone else in the expression of your anger. It is usually best to go to your room, close the door, and in private, express the anger towards the one who has hurt you. Exaggerate it. Ham it up. Let anger be all that it can possibly be. Anger has a story. Express the story, but do not believe in it. The story is from the past. It has nothing to do with the present moment. If you believe in the story, you will be locked into a painful past. If you allow anger to express fully in the way that I am describing, you will start laughing.
Anger expressed consciously and responsibly leads to laughter. Anger repressed leads to illness, depression and even violence.
When you are allowing the anger to express, you are not trying to get rid of it. You are simply allowing the anger the right to exist and express as itself. The anger needs to feel accepted. If you are trying to get rid of the anger, it is a subtle form of judgment and it will not release from you.
Do not be angry towards yourself. To be angry towards your self is extremely unhelpful and unhealthy. You will have to find someone or something outside of you to substitute for yourself. You can be angry at your boss, or your mother or father, or your spouse or your children. That doesn't mean that you go up to them and involve them in the expression of anger. It has nothing to do with them. They are simply triggering anger that was already there, repressed within you. You can even be angry towards God. At least one third of the human population is angry at God, and blames God for their suffering, although it is usually at an unconscious level and rarely expressed.
You can't afford to allow anger to internalize within you. At the end of every day, get in touch with what made you angry during the day. And then take 5 or 10 minutes to express it in a responsible way. You can to make it a daily meditation. Not that you believe in it. Not that you act it out against anyone. But go to your room and swear and cuss and scream and blame and kill and maim, until laughter arises within you.
To be in touch with feelings of anger and to allow the anger conscious and responsible expression is just as important a meditation as sitting quietly and watching the breath. It is impossible to remain present if you are carrying repressed feelings of anger and rage within you.
What if you start to cry - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45231/
If it's too overwhelming for your nervous system to hit, kick ect. at one you are angry at, you can imagine someone else doing it for you. It still needs to happen in slow motion, so that the old part of the brain can integrate.
You can letvout sounds, grawl ect.
Regarding screaming, it does not work if it is a cry of powerlessness. You risk being retraumatized.
The same can happen by acting out, hitting pollows, ect. as some therapists recommends, e.g. in gestalt therapy.
It can retraumatize you and your nervous system can get more out of balance.
People with trauma or disorganized attachment style need to pay special attention and be extra cautious
Remember titration - small steps is important!
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on May 24, 2022 10:11:59 GMT
Do you find it Hard to say no?
It may not be your self-esteem but the respect from others that is lacking
I meet many who tend to turn problems with setting boundaries and saying no towards themselves because they feel they should have better self-confidence and better self-esteem.
The truth is, however, that it does not always make sense to talk about a psychological trait such as. the ability to set boundaries as an individual trait but more as something that varies from situation to situation and from relationship to relationship.
Recently, I myself was in a situation where I was reminded that self-confidence is also very much relationally determined, as I myself suddenly found it difficult to say no.
The environment we are in both privately and professionally affects us.
Western psychology is highly individualized. Psychological theories are not objective.
I had a situation where I was not heard, included, not asked, where I did not tell what I meant.
I was with men who did not respect me as a woman.
We can get triggered when others do not respect us
I myself grew up with respect between men and women, so that's why it took me by surprice.
Remember to check once more with the people you interact with - do they have respect for you as a woman?
Shouldn't others just be able to behave properly and respect others?
I think so.
A female psychologist
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 18, 2022 8:10:22 GMT
[Hump on the back]
Suppressed anger is manifested by the way you carry yourself
A healthy back comes not only from your posture, but how you deal with your anger
Having the hump on your back does not only come from the way you sit.
But when anger comes up in your life - how do you process it then?
Is it given the opportunity to have space and embrace because it is so natural to feel anger? (Probably because your limits have been exceeded)
Anger is a strong energy that is aroused in your root.
The energy will most often be felt on the back as it rises up along the spine.
If you do not give it space by getting a verbal expression (it does not have to be shouting, but just utterance), then the energy stagnates in the area where the famous hump can occur.
Isn't it crazy that you can shape and balance your body by taking care of your emotions?
A breath work trauma teacher
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 26, 2022 10:41:01 GMT
ANGER IS FULL OF SPIRIT
Anger is not wrong, bad, unhealthy or 'unspiritual', no matter what the gurus and teachers say.
It's this very idea that causes us
to repress and suppress anger, in order to
uphold an image of ourseves as 'nice'
or 'good', or 'calm', or 'very spiritual'.
The inner child in us knows:
these images are all lies.
We are wild inside, and always have been.
Repressed irritation quickly turns to annoyance.
Annoyance turns to frustration.
Frustration turns to anger.
Repressed, unfelt anger quickly turns to rage
and boils inside of us, looking for a victim.
The held-back wildness robs us of aliveness.
Rage is what hurts and attacks others.
Rage is what explodes, shames, blames, abuses.
And causes disease within our own bodies.
Conscious, connected anger is not violent at all.
Anger that we feel, and own, and breathe into,
and soothe with loving attention deep inside of us, is safe.
It is a misunderstood energy in the body longing for love.
It is a powerful call for self-empathy and slowness.
It is a part of us that feels unseen, unloved, unheard.
A part crying out for attention, soothing, safety, presence.
A part that wants to be cared for.
A young, tender, innocent, frightened part of Psyche
that has come to you for integration,
for an alchemical marriage with Eros.
Anger is the great protector.
The courageous roar of a lion
scaring off predators,
protecting his precious young ones.
It is the voice that says, "I matter! I am sacred!".
Let's get over this idea that anger is 'unspiritual'.
Anger is full of spirit, full of intelligence, full of life!
The more we feel it, the less it controls us.
The more we soothe it, the less it hurts.
The more we bow to it, the less it frightens us.
- Jeff Foster
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 15, 2022 7:29:11 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 15, 2022 9:56:08 GMT
thisjungianlife.com/episode-222-hansel-and-gretel-overcoming-trauma/(This Jungian Life) has made a Jungian analysis of the fairy tale about Hansel and Gretel - is SO good… from both a shadow and anger perspective! it is only when Grete integrates her own "witch-like evil" (... or healthy aggression..) and pushes the witch into the oven (which she herself should have been inside) that the children become free.
|
|
