Angerpattern, boundaries, needs, shamebuttons, healthy anger

Do No harm, take No shit
youtu.be/C6chvht8l4s

This practice--based on an ancient Buddhist meditation--bears the name of needlepoint I found in my sister's office after she died. She was a nurse, and as such had taken the oath all medical practitioners take: to do no harm. She added the next line, "take no s***," because as we all know life requires us to be both kindly and strong. The following meditation is a training in both, because being kind and being strong are not mutually exclusive. Doing no harm and taking no s*** is not an either/or choice. It’s the marriage of the two that will make a difference in your life and will change the story in the world.

Basic human rights:

A selection of some of the personal rights that apply to all people.

• I have the right to be treated with respect
• I have the right to express my feelings
• I have the right to express my opinions and views
• I have the right to ask for what I need
• I have the right to say no
• I have the right to decide who and what I want to spend my time on
• I have the right to have my boundaries respected
• I have the right to change my mind

What is it like to read this list?

- Thoughtful?
- Surprising?
- A confirmation of what you already knew?
- Do you feel, that some of these personal rights naturally apply to others, but not to you ?

www.amazon.com/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness-ebook/dp/B009SAHNW6

Signs that it's time to set a boundarie:

If you want to determine if someone respects your boundaries, look at their behavior. This gives you the answer. Words are insignificant. Behavior counts.
When you feel frustration, anger or bitterness or start whining, gossiping or being grumpy ect., then it is time to say no or set a limit.

When you set boundaries:
Make it clear, be calm, be respectful, use as few words as possible.
Do not justify, shout or apologize for the limit you set.

What happend / what is not being said:
Action [what do you want to do]:
Message [what dol you want to say]:

Boundaries and the different attatchmentstyles:

Interpersonal boundaries assume four main styles:

Soft/Weak boundaries
Rigid/Inflexible boundaries
Permeable/Porous boundaries
Flexible/Healthy boundaries

The ambivalent:
The ambivalent often got soft/weak boundaries. They can practice how to say "NO", as they often feel quilty, when taking care of their own needs and wants.

The ambivalent can often sense their own boundaries, if they take the time to feel them. Pause.
They can give up their own boundaries and needs. This is because they often loose themselves in relationships and are occupied by the other person. They often compromise too much in relationships. They have to be aware of wether or not compromises drains them.
They can have a tendencie to overfunction in relationsships, at their workplace ect.

The ambivalent is overfocued on the partner/other people, and then it's important to focus on him/herself instead and ask:
- What do I really need/
- what do I want/
- what could be kind to myself right now?

Practice: Saying NO

Push your arms out in front of you – what is it like to have a strong boundary when someone is being invasive. What is it like for you to say ‘no’ when you want to say ‘no’ … when someone needs something from you?

When you just say the word, ‘NO’… Notice what happens in your body… What do you feel?

If you have a tendencie to say "yes" right away - then you can say: If you want an answer right now, then the answer is NO. But give me some time, and I will get back to you later to give you an answer.

The Avoidant:
The avoidant often have got too rigid boundaries.
There go to is often a "NO"!! They can be harsh and blunt. Sometimes they can sound grumpy.
They often forget about the other person and the other persons wants and needs. They come from a one person psykology system. They have to practice compromising in relationships and take in the other persons perspective. They have to practise flexible boundaries. and compromising in relationships.

They can tell people to come back, to ask them more than once. Maybe they are busy with something else (scubadiving).

The Desorganised (FA):
The disorganized can find it difficult to sense their own boundaries,and the boundaries of other people, because they have had their boundareis crossed many times in their childhood.
They may have difficulty labeling their boundareis, because they are desociated.
They can have too rigid or too weak boundaries.
Somehow sometimes they can sense their boundaries, but they are in doubt, whether their boundareis are okay.
The desorganised has to practise finding out about their own boundaries and begin to  respect their own boundaries.
Sometimes they can be really agressive and push away, because they havent said NO in time, so they have gone to far....
Repair is a good thing to do, when they have calmed down.

Secures:
Often got flexible boundareies. The can commucate clearly. They are able to repair and appoligise when nessacery. They are able to take the other person into considaration. They are good at feeling their own boundareis and they can communicate in a healthy way.

We all have inner and outer boundaries.

Imagine two circles.

The outer circle is the boundarie that protects you from the outer world/other people. Imagine a fence/a wall. It protects you from intrusion, from  becoming a doormat.

The inner circle is what protects other people from you - it protects you/them from letting you explode in the face of other people, from lashing out, from shouting, from being sarcastic, mean ect.

Weak boundaries: (imagine if you left the door to your house unlocked)

- fear rejection 
- peacemaker
- difficult saying NO
- think it is your responsibility to make other people happy
- people should be able to figure out your needs without speaking up
- do not confront when needed
- apologise
- overly involved in other peoples problems
- accept bad behavior
- other people's needs are more important than your own
- use time on people who drains you
- overshare
- "what do you want ?"
- other peolpe wants and needs are more important than your own
- stays in bad relationsships
- having problem saying no

Rigid boundaries: (like you are behind a big thick wall up in a castle)

- too guarded
- difficulty asking for help
- seem distance
- a big wall around you - nobody is allowed to enter
- difficulty with intimacy
- don't share yourself with other people
- "this is me, and Im like this - take it or leave it"
- difficulty keeing your heart open
- not letting other people in

Other people cant determine where your boundaries are, only you.

How to deal with your own anger pattern:

Aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you start to fell rage inside
Remember IT is your anger, not somebody elses anger
Take a time out and go for a walk and or try to relax in your arms and in your body
Then come back and talk about what is wrong/talk about your feelings. Try to be voulnarble even if you do not like it. Practise kindness. Find out about your triggers and write Them down. Often shame, feeling powerless, ect. You are looking for provokation. Try to get in contact with your underlying shame, sadness, Hurt, fear ect.

Belief: There's something wrong with me. Then they esaily get triggered if other people say that they are wrong or they get the impression that this is what they think.
Unhealthy - your health suffers, you can have problems with colleges, partners ect.

Advise:
1) Admit that you have an aggressive pattern or when you experience aggression in yourself
2) Relate to the consequences of your anger - who gets your aggression and what does your agression do to your life
3) Journal about your daily anger
- aggressive thoughts, what you wanted to do or your aggressive thoughts jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38951/
4) Ask yourself : How else could I interpret what happened
5) Take ownership of your anger. You have a choice. Instead of blaming others, look at your own emotional response. Thoughts create emotions and your emotions create the actions you choose.. Focus on what is happening inside you
6) What are your anger triggers?
- look under your anger
- check your shame buttons
- ask yourself what you are sad about
- does it happen when you get drunk
- you can react strongly  to people who are weak, delicate, sensitive, who whines, cries, who are inkompetent ect. - (your own shadow sides)
- you can ask the people who are close to you when they notise when you are getting angry
7) Write down, journal - use me and not you, express your vulnerability
8) Stop taking everything personally - see others as innocent until proven otherwise, look at others with kind eyes. Treat others as if they got a kind and open heart.
9) Choose your battles wiaely - everything is not a war. Other people are not your enemies. Practies letting other people get the last word.
10) Take a time out and tell that you take a time out if you are with other people - go for a walk, go into another room, get your adrenaline down NOT up
11) Get control of your body - your body needs relaxation - massage, qui gong, gentle yoga, use breathing exercises, meditations, use mindfullness, walking, practice one-man sports (squash, joggin, swimming)
12) Learn your anger signals - how can you tell when you anger is coming (ex: you clench your fists, you clench your teeths ect.) - relax your jaws, relax your arms ect. If you are walkning around. You can provoke your own anger outburts by relaxing. If you are in a tense state, it can buil up you anger. And its not healthy.
13) Be creative, journal, write poetry, dance, sing, make collages, do pottery ect
14) Expecially men/boys can identify with their agressive parent and can therefore become an abuser or a bully themselves, They dont want to be seen as a wictim and find it humiliating.
Recognize your grief, fear, powerlessness ect. Use therapy, do a shadow process ect.

If you have a passive anger pattern:
Main feeling - you feel disappointed, frustrated, sad, depressed
Difficult to act
Do not get treated fairly, because you do not stand up for yourself
Women in particular have learned to hide their anger
Tears are signs of powerlessness and deep frustration

Advice
1) Find the cause of your passivity
2) Think about your basic human rights
3) What is the consequence of denying / suppressing your anger
4) Be aware when you are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, depressed ....
- Journal
5) Listen to the anger. What does your anger tell you
- who are you really angry at
6) Remember anger is not the same as aggression
7) You can fear counter-attacks, fear of rejection, separation anxiaty  - with partner, children, parents and therefore you ignore your anger
The fear of hurting or harming others, Afraid to become like those who offended you, Fear of being laughed at if you show anger
8) Learn to express your anger assertively (write it down as it can be difficult to express your anger in the precent moment)
9) Be aware of the cool girl, premature forgiveness, spiritual bypassing
10) Practice standing up for yourself - Practise saying NO. - Say; I feel, I want to, I do not want to ect.
11) Express your dissatisfaction without whining - be clear and concrete
12) Find positive role models - and think about what they would do in the specific situation. You can put a picture of the person in your home, on your phone. You can picture the person standing by your side supporting you. Imagine what would this person do ? Kamala Harris : "Im speakng" www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXFqTGBty1w
13) Beware of self-medication when you are angry - with food, alcohol, social media, Netflix, coffee, sugar ect. Next time you become self critic, sad, depressed, then ask yourself, if you are angry with anyone / angry about something.

Passive aggressive anger pattern:
Main feeling - frustration
Own your anger and admit that you are angry
You hide your anger - you ignore, procrastinate, you play dumb, you use eyerole, you are late

Advise
1) Admit that you are angry
2) Find the cause of your passive aggressiveness
- you punish in subtle ways. When do you feel like punishing
3) Find your triggers - do you feel controlled, dominated, forgotten, unimportant,
when you get orders, when you are jealous,
4) Stop being angry, stop giving others the silent treatment
5) Stop being sarcastic
6) Let go of your need to frustrate others - it's been your way to say fuck you,  stop being rebellious in childish ways
7) I'm angry with you because, I'm sorry, I do not want to, I do not mind, I stayed in
8) Stop your control issues - when will you punish, when you control or dominate others
9) Express yourself directly
10) Define yourself according to what you want instead of what you do not want
11) You are not allowed to say whatever, fine, I dont care, - - take responsibility for what you want

If you have a projective aggressive anger pattern:
Allow yourself to be angry instead of projecting it onto others. You will attract angry people in your life because you dont own your own anger.

Advise
1) Where do your negative beliefs about anger come from?
2) Write a list of those you have been in relationship with and write their down angerpattern pattern
3) How much judgment do you have on the anger of others, how often do you think others are angry with you, do you let others get angry on your behalf ?
4) Control your anger paranoia - ask yourself what you yourself are angry about. Make a list of all the people you think are angry with you. Ask yourself if it is yourself who is angry at that person.
5) Recognize and accpet your anger. You can put a rubber band on your wrist and pull the rubberband evertime you are getting angry and say the word out loud; I am angry
6) Feel your anger, write a letter of anger
7) Go into therapy
8) Take responsibility where you are passive - even if your husband gets angry at your children then know you also have a responsibility yourself.

If you are hsp:
highlysensitiverefuge.com/ilse-sand-anger-highly-sensitive-people/

HSPs and other peoples anger:
highlysensitiverefuge.com/ilse-sand-anger-highly-sensitive-people/
While highly sensitive people seem to lose out in quick and heated discussions, we can actually deal very well with disagreements when we take our time. You may go quiet and withdraw when you encounter sudden anger; that’s okay. After a couple of hours or days, you can come back and articulate your thoughts and feelings and let people know what you will and will not put up with.
This strategy works with our desire to make the world a place worth living in — and our desire to avoid angry altercations.
In my work as a therapist, I have spoken to many people who find anger difficult. They have been told — often by other therapists — that they need to assert themselves right away. But when I explore this with my highly sensitive clients, it often turns out that they have a very different strategy.
While highly sensitive people seem to lose out in quick and heated discussions, we can actually deal very well with disagreements when we take our time. You may go quiet and withdraw when you encounter sudden anger; that’s okay. After a couple of hours or days, you can come back and articulate your thoughts and feelings and let people know what you will and will not put up with.
This strategy works with our desire to make the world a place worth living in — and our desire to avoid angry altercations.
It’s not healthy for sensitive souls to be a part of tense and angry fights. Being involved in a heated debate can be very overstimulating. And as soon as we become overstimulated and overwhelmed, we become powerless and not constructive. Our connection with ourselves is disrupted, and without this connection, we are like a ship lost at sea.
If you’re sensitive, it’s okay to withdraw from the conflict and find enough calm to re-establish your feelings of love towards yourself and the other person. It will help in the long run.

www.healthline.com/health/menopause/menopause-anger
www.drnorthrup.com/why-anger-is-common-during-menopause/