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Post by stayhappy on Jan 6, 2019 7:53:37 GMT
I think it’s confusing to see the difference between DA and FA. The litterateur says for example the DA tend to feel anxiety with too much distance and the pull back. But here often times when someone writes about a DA partner or ex partner who comes back or reach out the forum members say this person is probably a FA. I have dated 2 guys who are probably avoidants but one maybe DA the other maybe FA. Both of them reach out efter too much distance but the difference is that with the FA the relationship were much more inconsistent. I knew for example when the DA guy would probably deactivate and I have a feeling when he would come back but with the FA guy it was impossible to know.
What are your experience?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 12:30:03 GMT
I said this in another thread but I'll say it again just so that people won't get stuck too much in this "are they FA or DA if they reach out" thing. You can't tell it just by whether they reach out or not. And most likely not by any other single behavior. Attachment styles are complex and they manifest differently in different people. It's tempting to think that all people fit neatly into these strict predictable categories but unfortunately they don't.
People in this forum (and some literature also suggests that) tend to think that if you feel any anxiety, have low self-esteem, want a relationship, come back after a relationship etc. you can't be DA. I used to think like that too but the more I read the more I disagree with that. There are different kinds of DAs just as there are different kinds of FAs, APs and secures - individual personalities with different temperaments, experiences, values and life situations. Yes, it makes the whole theory more confusing and less applicable to real life, but that's just how it is: there are no simple answers nor simple solutions.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 6, 2019 19:23:35 GMT
stayhappy, the DA is usually more straight-forward and able to be honest about what they want IF you directly ask. Yes, they back off with too much intimacy and have trouble with interdependence, but if they come back after some space it's more that they feel renewed and balanced and ready to connect for a while rather than anxiously triggered into seeking someone out due to fear. If they come back after a breakup, they may miss the friendship and feel ready for that if there's no threat that the ex partner is going to keep trying for more. The FA seems to be in a constant state of confusion because their primary driver is fear, and their behaviors as a result are far less consistent. They have a lot more difficulty communicating what's going on even if asked directly because they don't understand themselves. They are scared by both intimacy and distance and tend to be more disconnected from their true selves more often, so it's more push-pull than it is needing sufficient space, alone time, independence. FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result.
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Post by ocarina on Jan 6, 2019 19:36:29 GMT
I said this in another thread but I'll say it again just so that people won't get stuck too much in this "are they FA or DA if they reach out" thing. You can't tell it just by whether they reach out or not. And most likely not by any other single behavior. Attachment styles are complex and they manifest differently in different people. It's tempting to think that all people fit neatly into these strict predictable categories but unfortunately they don't. People in this forum (and some literature also suggests that) tend to think that if you feel any anxiety, have low self-esteem, want a relationship, come back after a relationship etc. you can't be DA. I used to think like that too but the more I read the more I disagree with that. There are different kinds of DAs just as there are different kinds of FAs, APs and secures - individual personalities with different temperaments, experiences, values and life situations. Yes, it makes the whole theory more confusing and less applicable to real life, but that's just how it is: there are no simple answers nor simple solutions. I very much agree with this - these are descriptions of behaviour patterns not some kind of fixed pathology. Behaviours to tend to repeat themselves but given the environment is a shifting backdrop, different relationships will trigger different behaviours. I am not sure if the distinction is particularly helpful - it makes us feel more comfortable to have and explanation in a neat box but in my experience life isn't like that and definitions are much less important than owning our own shifting patterns and allowing others to own theirs. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jan 6, 2019 20:17:35 GMT
The more I read these forums, the less I can label a person.
Sometimes people say a difference is whether the person feels superior or inferior to others, but that seems like an oversimplification too.
Funny, I went to the Attached book to see how they differentiate and was surprised to find they don't. I thought they did, but no, just the three styles. I wonder why they group all avoidants into one category.
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 6, 2019 20:25:21 GMT
The more I read these forums, the less I can label a person. Sometimes people say a difference is whether the person feels superior or inferior to others, but that seems like an oversimplification too. Funny, I went to the Attached book to see how they differentiate and was surprised to find they don't. I thought they did, but no, just the three styles. I wonder why they group all avoidants into one category. I think it’s hard to see a conexion between the litterateur and what I read at forums. Specially when the litterateur says that FA is the most rare attachment. I think it’s pretty confusing. |
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 6, 2019 20:30:10 GMT
I really think that attachment theory makes a lot of sense. As a teacher knowing about it helps me a lot while giving children the best support I can.
In life and in relationship in general it gave me a lot of clarity about thinks I could feel was a little off but could put words on it.
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 6, 2019 20:34:47 GMT
I have even read somewhere that disorganized and fearful avoidant aren’t the same thing. While in other litterateur they described FA, disorganized and anxious-avoidant as the same thing.
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Post by stayhappy on Jan 6, 2019 20:49:44 GMT
stayhappy, the DA is usually more straight-forward and able to be honest about what they want IF you directly ask. Yes, they back off with too much intimacy and have trouble with interdependence, but if they come back after some space it's more that they feel renewed and balanced and ready to connect for a while rather than anxiously triggered into seeking someone out due to fear. If they come back after a breakup, they may miss the friendship and feel ready for that if there's no threat that the ex partner is going to keep trying for more. The FA seems to be in a constant state of confusion because their primary driver is fear, and their behaviors as a result are far less consistent. They have a lot more difficulty communicating what's going on even if asked directly because they don't understand themselves. They are scared by both intimacy and distance and tend to be more disconnected from their true selves more often, so it's more push-pull than it is needing sufficient space, alone time, independence. FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result. It’s makes a lot of sense for me. In my interactions with probably more Da people I can still see some kind of predictable with their behavior while with the few possible FA I know it is harder. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 6, 2019 21:43:11 GMT
stayhappy, it is my experience observing behavior patterns over time combined with more research, but as the other posters have said, there's also a spectrum. And occasionally, a life change that could swing someone into a different quadrant. Plus, someone could be primarily one type in general and primarily another in only romantic relationships.
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Post by suburbanwizard on Jan 8, 2019 23:56:58 GMT
stayhappy , the DA is usually more straight-forward and able to be honest about what they want IF you directly ask. Yes, they back off with too much intimacy and have trouble with interdependence, but if they come back after some space it's more that they feel renewed and balanced and ready to connect for a while rather than anxiously triggered into seeking someone out due to fear. If they come back after a breakup, they may miss the friendship and feel ready for that if there's no threat that the ex partner is going to keep trying for more. The FA seems to be in a constant state of confusion because their primary driver is fear, and their behaviors as a result are far less consistent. They have a lot more difficulty communicating what's going on even if asked directly because they don't understand themselves. They are scared by both intimacy and distance and tend to be more disconnected from their true selves more often, so it's more push-pull than it is needing sufficient space, alone time, independence. FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result. I'm no expert but this rings very true. Particularly "FA is more reactionary to whatever is going on, and their feelings seem to come and go more, and at least the ones I know have trouble differentiating what's a passing feeling versus which emotions are "true". Unaware FAs seem to just assume everything they feel is accurate at the moment, and come and go as a result." The FA I dated almost completely abdicated ownership of her feelings, and basically could never explain what she was feeling. It was honestly extremely frustrating and ultimately a bit traumatic. I've dated people I assume are DA and I just know what to expect, let them have their space and their consistency of behavior makes them easy to read. |
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Post by epicgum on Jan 9, 2019 0:03:02 GMT
The more I read these forums, the less I can label a person. Sometimes people say a difference is whether the person feels superior or inferior to others, but that seems like an oversimplification too. Funny, I went to the Attached book to see how they differentiate and was surprised to find they don't. I thought they did, but no, just the three styles. I wonder why they group all avoidants into one category. Attached lists "disorganized" as an attachment style. But they don't go onto it at all. Shame! |
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Post by epicgum on Jan 9, 2019 0:05:27 GMT
I think that DA is much more likely to have better communication, because they dont really care if you leave. FA had a lot of anxiety about abandonment, so they have to get their needs across through all kinds of indirect ways to avoid the threat of rejection.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 9, 2019 0:56:22 GMT
I think that DA is much more likely to have better communication, because they dont really care if you leave. FA had a lot of anxiety about abandonment, so they have to get their needs across through all kinds of indirect ways to avoid the threat of rejection. I’m starting to think if an avoidant confuses me they are more likely FA than DA. The ups and downs and lack of communication make them a hard read. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2019 1:09:40 GMT
I think that DA is much more likely to have better communication, because they dont really care if you leave. FA had a lot of anxiety about abandonment, so they have to get their needs across through all kinds of indirect ways to avoid the threat of rejection. I’m starting to think if an avoidant confuses me they are more likely FA than DA. The ups and downs and lack of communication make them a hard read. If there is confusion and ambiguity it spells unavailability, full stop. Let there be no confusion about that. Insecure means unavailable, whether FA or DA. I think people get confused by FA because they think anxiousness is availability. It's not. It's anxiousness that pulls toward attachment. It's not emotional availability. With observation of just one cycle it only looks like (potential) availability to another insecure person. My opinion. Ultimately, what confuses any person is their own ambiguity, the difference between what they claim to want and the reality they are pursuing. I'm only remarking because it caught my eye, no offense intended. |
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