What to do...DA potentially

Walking away from something like this in order to concentrate on letting go of an AP narrative and building personal emotional security would be a tremendous act of self love on your part. Just my opinion. But kudos for taking the reins and putting a stop to something that is taking more than it is returning to you.

Sorry @nullified , I was actually referring to the OP. You’re absolutely right, though, about moving sideways. It’s the most common trick in the book, that most blokes learn early. I wasn’t one of them!

It is bracing here on these boards There seems to be some consensus that, DA or not, what you see is what you will get--a guy who is happy to have a low effort on his part casual. 

He also sounds very erratic--we might get married! we might fizzle! Let's have a romantic night! Now I will ignore you! That would make anyone insecure I think.

If you are doing all the initiating now this early, that is not going to change except maybe around the edges like texting at your request. That is pretty heavy lifting for you to take on. A good relationship should feel not perfect, but easy and this one seems like it is causing you lots of angst already 


When you talk with him, be prepared to tell him what you have decided to do for you (rather than what he needs to change). Maybe date other people and if you are still seeing this guy too, don't put more of an effort into it than he is. You will get a clearer picture of his level of real investment. 

I think you have good shown insight already where you are realizing pretty early on that this doesn't feel right. 

What's this moving sideways thing?


Sideways.  When ONE party has a different direction in mind than the way it is OBVIOUSLY, literally OBVIOUSLY going. Sideways.  When one party sees the way it is going and says "I don't like this, how can I get it to go the direction I would like?" without OBVIOUS intention from the other party to do the same.

I want to point out the difference between AP thought process and DA thought process.  Without saying anything good or bad about either one. I am seeing here that AP's can ignore a bullet point list of OBVIOUS unhappiness and incompatibility and make an emotional decision to try to change reality, instead of a logical decision to accept the bullet point list of grievances that they themselves wrote, and accept things as they are in reality, with obvious evidence pointing to incompatibility.  This is an AP trap and it happens internally to the AP and I am seeing it continuously on this board.  

I get that the DA perspective can be bracing but at some point reason must reign, when it comes to irreconcilable differences and obvious incompatibility.  

I am not attacking anyone.  I am not minimizing feelings of attachment and attraction and whatnot. I am not saying I have not gotten caught on illusions, because I have. The big problem I am seeing here on these forums is the amount of time an AP spends clinging to emotional thinking that keeps them fighting reality.

I am saying:


If someone 1) WANTS to be with you and 2) is CAPABLE of being with you they will initiate and be consistent and things will progress.  There has to be a logical progression beginning with a mutual intention and mutual contribution. Whether or not this is happening seems to be OBVIOUS, post after post here. And yet what is obvious is minimized or denied to the detriment of the poster. 


Emotions get in the way when they are relied upon to understand a nonsensical situation instead of looking at logical components to understand a nonsensical situation.  You can emotionally cling to something and your idea of it all you want, but at the end of the day you will be making decisions based on logical considerations, no matter how you FEEL about it. This plays out over and over here on this forum. There are many people here dealing with emotional fallout from having to make a decisions based on facts. Fact: he says he isn't ready. Fact: he doesn't initiate. Fact: he says one thing and does another. Fact: we don't have the relationship I want.

Fact: " He isn't contributing like I am contributing and I believe it takes two but am doing all the work and expect him to step up but he hasn't yet and I want to change that how can I do it oh you say I can't but i don't believe that yet so I will try some more oh wait it has been months and as it turns out the fact is that if he isn't willing or able I can't make him be and my only logical choice is to move on even though it hurts emotionally and this is a run on sentence because it's a run on process until it ends FULL STOP.

I'm sorry on advance if I hurt feelings here, it isn't my intention. But for 10 voices speaking to emotional considerations with emphasis on the SHOULD, I am going to go out on a limb and be a grating voice speaking to logical considerations with emphasis on the IS.

We all fight our way through our own dysfunction and suffer lots along the way, I am not an exception. It's why I am here. Grieving a breakup from a relationship that was conflicted and painful and made no sense. The bottom line is true for me also: What you see is what you get. Life makes way more sense than we realize, sometimes.

Anyway, that is enough on that, I'm sure it's a difficult perspective but maybe it will be helpful in some small way, even if it cannot be agreed with point by point. It's just another point of view on what is widely acknowledged as an anxious/avoidant Trap.