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Post by sissyk on Feb 26, 2019 12:35:28 GMT
I've read the post but I'm not sure I get your point? I have ended this relationship early with this avoidant guy, thus not allowing myself to be messed about? Or am I missing something? Apologies glenjo99 , I was directing that at faithopelove, I could have been clearer. I think you are missing something though. Let me try to explain my perspective. Faith's post jumps out at me because, being a man, I have read a fair amount of online dating advice that boils down to "if you want a woman to love you long term, you need to work on continually triggering her attachment wounds" which of course, is terrible for both parties...BUT...if the woman in question has the anxious attachment described by faith in her posting (triggered into attachment by the threat of rupture, otherwise bored), then it is actually fairly good advice, at least if all I want is sex and attention. The point is that a strong AP is just as emotionally unavailable and incapable of true intimacy as his or her avoidant partner, and if you stay AP, you are setting yourself up to be with someone who gives you those highs and lows (consciously or not) that your attachment system craves. I haven't read the whole thread, so if this is all old hat, please forgive me. The dating industrial complex advice for women is to not text first, lean back into your passive feminine energy, have lots of dates competing for you to get Him to step up and commit, sex is his reward for being exclusive, don't be direct about your feelings for him or he will go screaming off to his man cave..... So anxiety peddling all around! And this stuff is supposed to be the foundation for a real relationship.... |
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Post by mrob on Feb 26, 2019 13:03:56 GMT
It’s just horrible. If you follow that, you’ve got women wanting to be swept off their feet, a forever commitment immediately, and men who want to use women for sex and leave. Surely there has to be a middle way for both.
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 26, 2019 13:04:34 GMT
"So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners". Crap so have I just made a mistake in letting this avoidant guy go? The thing is I imagine both have to be willing to work on themselves? Would it be better it learn to be more secure within the relationship? Unless soneone is aware and working towards some sort of healing, I wouldn’t waste my time. It’s too hard rowing the boat alone. Also, threads that go off topic are sometimes the best ones. Yes very apt description. Rowing my boat alone. |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 26, 2019 13:22:07 GMT
You were already on the boat alone outside any attachment, hes is 28, you are no way near the same place in life.
This is a lot of talk over a casual thing with a much younger man that was never going to go anywhere. Id take a look at why all this over someone casual and so young, he has barely lived life yet.
Me personally... I am the same age bracket as you so I dont even get in the boat of young men outside completely casual with no expectations, hes young and not in the same place as I am and wont be for years to come. His attachment, etc would be irrelevant as Im not trying to build a life with him. I have no need to analyze him/his behavior, etc. Its about fun only.
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 26, 2019 13:59:28 GMT
You were already on the boat alone outside any attachment, hes is 28, you are no way near the same place in life. This is a lot of talk over a casual thing with a much younger man that was never going to go anywhere. Id take a look at why all this over someone casual and so young, he has barely lived life yet. Me personally... I am the same age bracket as you so I dont even get in the boat of young men outside completely casual with no expectations, hes young and not in the same place as I am and wont be for years to come. His attachment, etc would be irrelevant as Im not trying to build a life with him. I have no need to analyze him/his behavior, etc. Its about fun only. That's good for you. We however did talk about what we wanted, and he said he was not into casual/ hookups but liked relationships. So after a discussion about what a relationship means to him and to me we met in the middle. Some men of 28 are far more mature than some 40 year olds I know. I do take your point however that we are not in the same place. When you say it was never going to go anywhere, you have no possible way of knowing that, no more than I or he could. It may be a lot of talk over a casual thing, nevertheless, that's the purpose of boards like this, and even in casual things there can be lots of learning, free of judgement one hopes 😁. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 26, 2019 21:31:07 GMT
"So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners". Crap so have I just made a mistake in letting this avoidant guy go? The thing is I imagine both have to be willing to work on themselves? Would it be better it learn to be more secure within the relationship? - No, I don’t think you made a mistake at all. As a person moves toward secure they look at their relationship or potential relationship realistically, with a realistic view of both their own and their partners’ limitations. If that reality is a partner who is either unable or unwilling to meet you halfway and work toward his own growth in an atmosphere that is conducive to your growth than it’s better to walk away. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 26, 2019 21:42:33 GMT
You were already on the boat alone outside any attachment, hes is 28, you are no way near the same place in life. This is a lot of talk over a casual thing with a much younger man that was never going to go anywhere. Id take a look at why all this over someone casual and so young, he has barely lived life yet. Me personally... I am the same age bracket as you so I dont even get in the boat of young men outside completely casual with no expectations, hes young and not in the same place as I am and wont be for years to come. His attachment, etc would be irrelevant as Im not trying to build a life with him. I have no need to analyze him/his behavior, etc. Its about fun only. That's good for you. We however did talk about what we wanted, and he said he was not into casual/ hookups but liked relationships. So after a discussion about what a relationship means to him and to me we met in the middle. Some men of 28 are far more mature than some 40 year olds I know. I do take your point however that we are not in the same place. When you say it was never going to go anywhere, you have no possible way of knowing that, no more than I or he could. It may be a lot of talk over a casual thing, nevertheless, that's the purpose of boards like this, and even in casual things there can be lots of learning, free of judgement one hopes 😁. “For example he says he is his number one priority, doesn't want anything serious and is happy to meet up once or twice a week.” @glenjo - you may have had a convo about relationships but his idea of a relationship is apparently a very casual one based on the way you describe it above. If you are looking for a relationship beyond casual than I don’t see how this guy could satisfy you. I think you stated in an earlier post that you decided to go your own ways before you hurt each other further. I think that was a wise and mature choice based on your different wants and needs. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 27, 2019 7:25:53 GMT
That's good for you. We however did talk about what we wanted, and he said he was not into casual/ hookups but liked relationships. So after a discussion about what a relationship means to him and to me we met in the middle. Some men of 28 are far more mature than some 40 year olds I know. I do take your point however that we are not in the same place. When you say it was never going to go anywhere, you have no possible way of knowing that, no more than I or he could. It may be a lot of talk over a casual thing, nevertheless, that's the purpose of boards like this, and even in casual things there can be lots of learning, free of judgement one hopes 😁. “For example he says he is his number one priority, doesn't want anything serious and is happy to meet up once or twice a week.” @glenjo - you may have had a convo about relationships but his idea of a relationship is apparently a very casual one based on the way you describe it above. If you are looking for a relationship beyond casual than I don’t see how this guy could satisfy you. I think you stated in an earlier post that you decided to go your own ways before you hurt each other further. I think that was a wise and mature choice based on your different wants and needs. Thanks I think it is probably the best choice for us both and it was mature. I always find endings hard, good and bad ones so that's really all that I'm feeling at the moment but all is well. I'm glad to have met him and when we experience what we don't want that informs what we do want. |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 27, 2019 13:16:01 GMT
I didn't mean to sound judgmental. Im just a tell it type and sometimes I may sound that way.  I say things with love even if it sounds harsh. Im securely attached so I see things different from avoidant/AP types. An avoidant brought me here and it was the first time in my life I felt anxiety/any anxiousness and Im mid 40s! LOL. He triggered my 2-3% anxious side. But, can you really ask yourself as a woman mid 40's...can you really build a life with a younger man not in the same place as you? Its not about maturity its about places in life. This why I say it would never go anywhere and you were already on the boat. you cant go there if your not in the same place in life, that just reality no matter what the attachment is. I dont have to know him or you to know you are not in the same place in life. Yes, there are mature young men over a guy in our age range for sure! haha. Some in our age range are a total immature mess! LOL
Im glad you were able to end it in a mature way. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 28, 2019 8:23:09 GMT
I didn't mean to sound judgmental. Im just a tell it type and sometimes I may sound that way. I say things with love even if it sounds harsh. Im securely attached so I see things different from avoidant/AP types. An avoidant brought me here and it was the first time in my life I felt anxiety/any anxiousness and Im mid 40s! LOL. He triggered my 2-3% anxious side. But, can you really ask yourself as a woman mid 40's...can you really build a life with a younger man not in the same place as you? Its not about maturity its about places in life. This why I say it would never go anywhere and you were already on the boat. you cant go there if your not in the same place in life, that just reality no matter what the attachment is. I dont have to know him or you to know you are not in the same place in life. Yes, there are mature young men over a guy in our age range for sure! haha. Some in our age range are a total immature mess! LOL
Im glad you were able to end it in a mature way. I'm a man lol, not that that should change anything. |
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Post by epicgum on Mar 4, 2019 18:10:55 GMT
I didn't mean to sound judgmental. Im just a tell it type and sometimes I may sound that way. I say things with love even if it sounds harsh. Im securely attached so I see things different from avoidant/AP types. An avoidant brought me here and it was the first time in my life I felt anxiety/any anxiousness and Im mid 40s! LOL. He triggered my 2-3% anxious side. But, can you really ask yourself as a woman mid 40's...can you really build a life with a younger man not in the same place as you? Its not about maturity its about places in life. This why I say it would never go anywhere and you were already on the boat. you cant go there if your not in the same place in life, that just reality no matter what the attachment is. I dont have to know him or you to know you are not in the same place in life. Yes, there are mature young men over a guy in our age range for sure! haha. Some in our age range are a total immature mess! LOL
Im glad you were able to end it in a mature way. I'm a man lol, not that that should change anything. Interesting, I've been consuming a lot of John Gottman material lately and one thing he said about homosexual couples is that they tend to treat each other much nicer than heterosexual couples, possibly because the reduced number of potential partners allows them to appreciate the other person much more rather than looking for something better. For what it's worth I don't think that there is anything wrong with the age gap, like any difference it will simply present it's own unique rewards and challenges. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2019 18:15:11 GMT
An age gap presents a larger problem in a hetero couple where a the woman is older and passing childbearing age. A younger man may eventually wish to have children and be viable for that, while an older partner would be facing inabilty or risks past a certain age. I wouldn't see a big issue with an age gap in a homosexual couple either .
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 5, 2019 22:06:40 GMT
I'm a man lol, not that that should change anything. Interesting, I've been consuming a lot of John Gottman material lately and one thing he said about homosexual couples is that they tend to treat each other much nicer than heterosexual couples, possibly because the reduced number of potential partners allows them to appreciate the other person much more rather than looking for something better. For what it's worth I don't think that there is anything wrong with the age gap, like any difference it will simply present it's own unique rewards and challenges. I love the Gottmans material. That's true it will present its own unique challenges. Well I'm single again so onwards and upwards to hopefully a non avoidant next. |
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Post by mrob on Mar 6, 2019 2:58:56 GMT
Onward and upward, perhaps, but this is your opportunity to look at your end. It takes two.
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 6, 2019 14:24:52 GMT
Onward and upward, perhaps, but this is your opportunity to look at your end. It takes two. Yes an opportunity to look at my stuff. However I'm feeling crap this week. Think reality has set in. |
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I say things with love even if it sounds harsh. Im securely attached so I see things different from avoidant/AP types. An avoidant brought me here and it was the first time in my life I felt anxiety/any anxiousness and Im mid 40s! LOL. He triggered my 2-3% anxious side.