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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 21:28:22 GMT
Yes, you need to take at face value what he’s telling you. He hasn’t been invested and he’s unwilling to invest. This may or may not have anything to do with attachment style- just his stage in life. You’re obviously not happy with his actions or you wouldn’t be on the boards, and if another month, two or 9 goes by...I don’t see why he’d change his mind but you’re frustration will surely grow. If you can’t let go of someone who doesn’t want what you want and isn’t valuing you, then maybe start looking at yourself and why you’d allow this treatment. That’s what I found most helpful for me. Can I be frank? It’s not always about “valuing” someone. I’ve had to get to a stage where I value myself by not getting into messes that I can’t get out of. Dating is surely an assessment process, and it something doesn’t work, they’re free to leave. (Then the attachment wounding comes in!) Yes and part of valuing myself is not accepting someone who doesn’t value me or have the same vision. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 21:32:24 GMT
So we met tonight and decided to call it a day before we end up hurting each other more down the line. He says he is not in a great place right now and knows he is emotionally unavailable. Still feels like crap. And your instincts- the reason you’re on the boards was right. Trust your instincts. You know your right. I sensed all along he was emotionally unavailable so I should give myself a pat on the back for realising it earlier than I have ever before in a relationship. 😁 |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 21:34:07 GMT
So we met tonight and decided to call it a day before we end up hurting each other more down the line. He says he is not in a great place right now and knows he is emotionally unavailable. Still feels like crap. Sorry- I know that’s a tough place to be in. My ex is in the same “weird place” and also emotionally unavailable. I decided to believe him. Hurts but walking away feels absolutely like the right thing for me. Trying to force something he couldn’t do or didn’t want for whatever reason left me empty and ultimately I had to face we want different things. I went no contact to recover. Yes I believe him now. At least it's not months down the line. He says he wants to be friends but in reality I imagine going no contact will be for the best. |
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Post by epicgum on Feb 25, 2019 22:15:13 GMT
A little off topic but as far as letting go...of course AP are known for having a very hard time letting go and hang on longer than they should. I’ve definitely seen that to be true in my life. However, something I’ve noticed about myself is when I have let go of long term partners, it wasn’t when we were in conflict or having a particularly difficult time- a time of turmoil. Difficult times cause me to cling harder and seek to reconnect the distance even more. I don’t don’t if any other AP found this to be true, but when I have finally found myself able to walk away from relationships is when things are calm and settled, not when there are major disagreements, upsets or fighting. There is no panic or great anxiety in me- just a realization that this isn’t going where I want it to go...this is as good as it gets. It’s at that point of calm in the relationship that I let go. I think it must be an AP thing bc it makes more sense to let go when things are at their worse. I think that you should think about this post long and hard for your own sake. Because to me it looks like you are setting yourself up to only be happy with a guy who is constantly messing with you. (either intentionally gaming you, or unintentionally, due to an insecure attachment style) |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 25, 2019 22:20:21 GMT
A little off topic but as far as letting go...of course AP are known for having a very hard time letting go and hang on longer than they should. I’ve definitely seen that to be true in my life. However, something I’ve noticed about myself is when I have let go of long term partners, it wasn’t when we were in conflict or having a particularly difficult time- a time of turmoil. Difficult times cause me to cling harder and seek to reconnect the distance even more. I don’t don’t if any other AP found this to be true, but when I have finally found myself able to walk away from relationships is when things are calm and settled, not when there are major disagreements, upsets or fighting. There is no panic or great anxiety in me- just a realization that this isn’t going where I want it to go...this is as good as it gets. It’s at that point of calm in the relationship that I let go. I think it must be an AP thing bc it makes more sense to let go when things are at their worse. I think that you should think about this post long and hard for your own sake. Because to me it looks like you are setting yourself up to only be happy with a guy who is constantly messing with you. (either intentionally gaming you, or unintentionally, due to an insecure attachment style) I've read the post but I'm not sure I get your point? I have ended this relationship early with this avoidant guy, thus not allowing myself to be messed about? Or am I missing something? |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 22:31:07 GMT
A little off topic but as far as letting go...of course AP are known for having a very hard time letting go and hang on longer than they should. I’ve definitely seen that to be true in my life. However, something I’ve noticed about myself is when I have let go of long term partners, it wasn’t when we were in conflict or having a particularly difficult time- a time of turmoil. Difficult times cause me to cling harder and seek to reconnect the distance even more. I don’t don’t if any other AP found this to be true, but when I have finally found myself able to walk away from relationships is when things are calm and settled, not when there are major disagreements, upsets or fighting. There is no panic or great anxiety in me- just a realization that this isn’t going where I want it to go...this is as good as it gets. It’s at that point of calm in the relationship that I let go. I think it must be an AP thing bc it makes more sense to let go when things are at their worse. I think that you should think about this post long and hard for your own sake. Because to me it looks like you are setting yourself up to only be happy with a guy who is constantly messing with you. (either intentionally gaming you, or unintentionally, due to an insecure attachment style) - Yes, I completely agree. It’s now that I’m connecting the dots and realizing this is a pattern of mine that needs to change. My eyes are open to it now. It definitely leaves the door open for a lot of heartache and pain to operate that way- like many of the insecure behaviors. Seeing red flags and being able to walk away early on...that’s where I need to be. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 25, 2019 22:34:08 GMT
I think that you should think about this post long and hard for your own sake. Because to me it looks like you are setting yourself up to only be happy with a guy who is constantly messing with you. (either intentionally gaming you, or unintentionally, due to an insecure attachment style) I've read the post but I'm not sure I get your point? I have ended this relationship early with this avoidant guy, thus not allowing myself to be messed about? Or am I missing something? - Not sure if you’re referring to epicgum or me...I was just reflecting on my past patterns and recognizing it’s an unhealthy way to function. That’s why I said it was off-topic...I realize you were examining your relationship in the earlier stages. |
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Post by epicgum on Feb 26, 2019 0:02:29 GMT
I think that you should think about this post long and hard for your own sake. Because to me it looks like you are setting yourself up to only be happy with a guy who is constantly messing with you. (either intentionally gaming you, or unintentionally, due to an insecure attachment style) I've read the post but I'm not sure I get your point? I have ended this relationship early with this avoidant guy, thus not allowing myself to be messed about? Or am I missing something? Apologies glenjo99 , I was directing that at faithopelove, I could have been clearer. I think you are missing something though. Let me try to explain my perspective. Faith's post jumps out at me because, being a man, I have read a fair amount of online dating advice that boils down to "if you want a woman to love you long term, you need to work on continually triggering her attachment wounds" which of course, is terrible for both parties...BUT...if the woman in question has the anxious attachment described by faith in her posting (triggered into attachment by the threat of rupture, otherwise bored), then it is actually fairly good advice, at least if all I want is sex and attention. The point is that a strong AP is just as emotionally unavailable and incapable of true intimacy as his or her avoidant partner, and if you stay AP, you are setting yourself up to be with someone who gives you those highs and lows (consciously or not) that your attachment system craves. I haven't read the whole thread, so if this is all old hat, please forgive me. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 26, 2019 2:30:52 GMT
I've read the post but I'm not sure I get your point? I have ended this relationship early with this avoidant guy, thus not allowing myself to be messed about? Or am I missing something? Apologies glenjo99 , I was directing that at faithopelove, I could have been clearer. I think you are missing something though. Let me try to explain my perspective. Faith's post jumps out at me because, being a man, I have read a fair amount of online dating advice that boils down to "if you want a woman to love you long term, you need to work on continually triggering her attachment wounds" which of course, is terrible for both parties...BUT...if the woman in question has the anxious attachment described by faith in her posting (triggered into attachment by the threat of rupture, otherwise bored), then it is actually fairly good advice, at least if all I want is sex and attention. The point is that a strong AP is just as emotionally unavailable and incapable of true intimacy as his or her avoidant partner, and if you stay AP, you are setting yourself up to be with someone who gives you those highs and lows (consciously or not) that your attachment system craves. I haven't read the whole thread, so if this is all old hat, please forgive me. - So sadistic and disturbing to me that there would be advice given to men (or women) to purposely push their partners’ triggers. I don’t think that ever happened to me in the past, but thanks for making me aware...that never crossed my mind. Being single is looking better all the time! |
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Post by epicgum on Feb 26, 2019 3:13:17 GMT
Apologies glenjo99 , I was directing that at faithopelove , I could have been clearer. I think you are missing something though. Let me try to explain my perspective. Faith's post jumps out at me because, being a man, I have read a fair amount of online dating advice that boils down to "if you want a woman to love you long term, you need to work on continually triggering her attachment wounds" which of course, is terrible for both parties...BUT...if the woman in question has the anxious attachment described by faith in her posting (triggered into attachment by the threat of rupture, otherwise bored), then it is actually fairly good advice, at least if all I want is sex and attention. The point is that a strong AP is just as emotionally unavailable and incapable of true intimacy as his or her avoidant partner, and if you stay AP, you are setting yourself up to be with someone who gives you those highs and lows (consciously or not) that your attachment system craves. I haven't read the whole thread, so if this is all old hat, please forgive me. - So sadistic and disturbing to me that there would be advice given to men (or women) to purposely push their partners’ triggers. I don’t think that ever happened to me in the past, but thanks for making me aware...that never crossed my mind. Being single is looking better all the time! Ahh, I didn't intend to scare you. Most people really are good and even people doing these things (which I think are bad) are just doing what they think is necessary to get the "love" they crave. But yes, this is a thing. (unless ofc I'm understanding it wrong. Which is entirely possible.) However, my point is that this will feel natural to someone anxious (that is what an anxious person will crave, that longing, unavailability, puzzle to solve, mystery, possible conquest, scaling the emotional walls etc.), but won't work or be appealing at all to someone secure. So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2019 3:17:06 GMT
epicgum - So sadistic and disturbing to me that there would be advice given to men (or women) to purposely push their partners’ triggers. I don’t think that ever happened to me in the past, but thanks for making me aware...that never crossed my mind. Being single is looking better all the time! Ahh, I didn't intend to scare you. Most people really are good and even people doing these things (which I think are bad) are just doing what they think is necessary to get the "love" they crave. But yes, this is a thing. (unless ofc I'm understanding it wrong. Which is entirely possible.) However, my point is that this will feel natural to someone anxious (that is what an anxious person will crave, that longing, unavailability, puzzle to solve, mystery, possible conquest, scaling the emotional walls etc.), but won't work or be appealing at all to someone secure. So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners. ooooo great way of describing it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 26, 2019 3:23:25 GMT
epicgum - So sadistic and disturbing to me that there would be advice given to men (or women) to purposely push their partners’ triggers. I don’t think that ever happened to me in the past, but thanks for making me aware...that never crossed my mind. Being single is looking better all the time! Ahh, I didn't intend to scare you. Most people really are good and even people doing these things (which I think are bad) are just doing what they think is necessary to get the "love" they crave. But yes, this is a thing. (unless ofc I'm understanding it wrong. Which is entirely possible.) However, my point is that this will feel natural to someone anxious (that is what an anxious person will crave, that longing, unavailability, puzzle to solve, mystery, possible conquest, scaling the emotional walls etc.), but won't work or be appealing at all to someone secure. So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners. - Very true and sound advice!! |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 26, 2019 4:29:35 GMT
Most people really are good and even people doing these things (which I think are bad) are just doing what they think is necessary to get the "love" they crave. But yes, this is a thing. (unless ofc I'm understanding it wrong. Which is entirely possible.) However, my point is that this will feel natural to someone anxious (that is what an anxious person will crave, that longing, unavailability, puzzle to solve, mystery, possible conquest, scaling the emotional walls etc.), but won't work or be appealing at all to someone secure. So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners. Yes, this is totally accurate. It's the pickup artist mentality, and also the advice people who are trying to make a quick buck off desperate lovelorn insecure people give, which sounds much easier than doing hard work to make real changes yourself. Sometimes people with social anxiety use it, though, just to attract partners initially, then drop it once the very early stages are done and they feel more comfortable being themselves. More often, people who don't have a healthy understanding of love and don't realize it's unhealthy use it... not because they're bad people. That's why becoming more secure to see through these tactics is such good advice. |
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Post by glenjo99 on Feb 26, 2019 8:12:45 GMT
"So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners".
Crap so have I just made a mistake in letting this avoidant guy go? The thing is I imagine both have to be willing to work on themselves? Would it be better it learn to be more secure within the relationship?
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Post by mrob on Feb 26, 2019 12:20:32 GMT
"So the solution is to become more secure yourself, not just avoid avoidant partners". Crap so have I just made a mistake in letting this avoidant guy go? The thing is I imagine both have to be willing to work on themselves? Would it be better it learn to be more secure within the relationship? Unless soneone is aware and working towards some sort of healing, I wouldn’t waste my time. It’s too hard rowing the boat alone. Also, threads that go off topic are sometimes the best ones. |
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