My journey to secure

I totally hear you here; I get it. What I realized is that forgiving myself and the other person is the only way for me to redeem the mistakes we both made and to just let go.
It's not that anger doesn't have a place, it just can be felt and taken care of and let go of, just like all the other feelings. What matters the most to me is being able to move into a healthier future, with my self love and self respect intact. Just because I made mistakes when I didn't know how to do better, teaches me that he did also. He has his own pain that isn't my business.
I don't have to add to it or carry it.

You're doing so good getting through this a day at a time!!

So I did it. Went to the event, saw my ex, all good. He was super nervous 😂
I felt really good as I could FINALLY be myself around him without having to check anything etc. LIBERATING.

I don't even know if I have feelings for him anymore. I do still care about him, but reconciliation? Nope. He kinda made it easier since half the time he was flirting with another woman 😂 I was really cool about it, not playing cool, I WAS really cool about it. Of course it bugged me a little, but he wasn't doing anything wrong. I'd prefer he'd be considerate enough to not do it right in front of me, but we can't have it all in life now can we?

Oh well. I still haven't texted him because I'm still not ready. It's empowering to know that he can't text me. I feel in control. I'm going to hang with him and our friends a couple of more times and then I'll decide if I want to text him again or not.

stuckinamoment he is the one who approached me. Asked how I was doing etc. I didn't ask how he was doing, so he proceeded to tell me, and he was so nervous that he couldn't stop talking. My friend literally told him to breathe. I didn't ask how he was because I wasn't and still am not ready to be his friend if that makes any sense. He sat with us for almost the whole evening. He then left to go say hi to a guy he knew and came back with a girl and continued to flirt with her in front of of me, ignoring me and our common friend completely, only to turn to us whenever the girl left the table. One of those times, he even made an inside joke, to which I did respond,but in general I was basically ignoring him, because I was bothered a bit of what I was witnessing. My friend was pissed for him ignoring us way more than I was. She even asked me how was I taking it so well. I told her that he's actually helping me by showing he doesn't really care about my feelings.

He wasn't doing anything wrong, but for me, he was being rude. I mean, he's the one that went on and on about how I'm his best friend and he knows I had a hard time dealing with this and then he goes and flirts with a girl he just met in front of me? I'm not saying he shouldn't flirt, I was expecting it, but he could have be waaaaay more considerate about it. Am I being unfair about this? It's not that I'd ever call him out on it, it's his right, he's single, he can do whatever he wants, but it just showed me that he isn't as empathetic as I thought. Again, I wasn't expecting him to treat me as if we were together, but damn, this was rude.

My friend did notice in the beginning of the evening that he was a bit jealous of me talking to other aquantainces of ours, I don't know if he reacted to that. I wasn't trying to make him jealous. I'm not analysing this more than just him being inconsiderate.

So I don't know what behavior of his, if any, was avoidant. Overall I did have a great time. It bothers me more now when I think about it, than it bothered me when it was happening. I'm so glad we're not on texting terms, I'm still protecting myself. He even texted my friend the next day to ask how we both were. Oh yeah, we left without saying goodbye, he didn't even see us leaving. He really just dropped in my eyes. Friend is still pissed at him, says he could've not have ignored us so much and still flirt. He literally had his back toward us and we were sitting at the same table. I even told my friend that it was probably because I was there and to give him another chance.

As for meeting him, yes it was way better than I expected, but I did feel ready to meet him. I asked my friend how he was doing , something I avoided asking her before. She said Everytime I was mentioned he showed interest and it seems he does care about me as a friend and also that he is in no position for a relationship as he has issues he needs to resolve (his words). I basically wanted to find out of he's dating anyone specific. I could (and did) handle the flirting, I just wouldn't be able to see him with another girl, especially one I already knew.

I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, I was in a good place and that's why I actually had a great time. I knew I had made our meeting to big in my head and wanted to stop that. I hope it goes even better for you!

Yup. I still wanted to put it out there for future readers as I dont want an AP type to take things like that personal as some would like they are not enough even with shallow reasons...

I wrote you a reply a few days back but then my wifi went down and the post vanished.  I'm going to need o be out by my x and the place we used to goto next week for another spine adjustment after months , three months , so it has me feeling more emotional.  for me it's the why can't I just reach out like an adult and say i will be out that way and ask if he still wants space.   then I think who cares he obviously has cut me off with his lack of replying to my nice text a few weeks back.  I just want to get rid of this awkward feeling ..it's like i have to check if he's there before i even go in the place .   I think when he sees me he will run ..i don't really see him talking to me.  He ran the last time and then told obvious lies about how he would reach back out to me and just needed space.    i'm a communicator , so I struggle with not being able to reach out to him. I miss the advice he would give me and our common interests and i never told him how much i valued all that   I guess that's the AP in me just wanting to move past it all. i've given him two months of space and i guess was expecting he would reach out.   

im sorry that you were triggered by him and that he broke no contact . He may have wrongly assumed since you went out that you are ok with everything because it's probably how he would handle it himself?  continue to do what is best for yourself and your healing.    I'm not sure about you but for me I often struggle with not being able to just sit and talk with him even about how i feel  it's his way or no way and that's it.  i'm not sure if you are feeling the same?  do you think you will go back out again?
oh i was reading about FA and some will flirt to add insecurity into the relationship , so i'm wondering if your x was subconsciously putting distance between you and him that nite , possibly

we will get passed them it's just going to take time.   

Everytime I go down the overanalyzing path, I remind myself that I'm projecting my feelings on him. I'm the one who definitely still has feelings for him and I get triggered into analyzing his actions as attempts to get closer again. He could very much be doing that, but as I said, I can't afford thinking that way, it continues the vicious cycle. It's just one possiblity, and if I what to break the cycle, I have to take his actions at face value. He ended it, he doesn't want back. All his "attempts" may be just him trying to get the friendship back. My silence isn't making it easier for him, and I'm glad.

I also noticed, and this is a question to other avoidants, I noticed that he can't really distinguish friendships from relationships. He is literally treating our mutual friends as if they were in a relationship together, constant texting, hanging out etc. It's like he wants the closeness that a romantic relationship gives you, and demanding it from friends. Sure, friends can cover a small part of our needs, but especially after a certain age, it's just not sustainable; friends have their own lives. I've recently saw this behavior from a friend of mine, who I just realised is an avoidant. Does this sound familiar?

This is not a dismissive thing I wouldn't think, not familiar to me with DA i know or myself. Possibly an FA thing? Either way it's not secure, emotionally available behavior from what it sounds like.

Don't waste your time wondering what is going on in his head. Regardless (and probably just ego based machinations, we all do it if we are unhealthy... ) what you really need is someone who isn't a damn puzzle acting like an immature school boy. Who cares if this guy wants you (he wants your attention, that's for damn sure ) if he is willing to flirt with another female in front of you? Yuck. Who wants to be wanted by an insecure guy like that?
You don't, believe me. It reeks of emotional games and manipulations. Games and manipulations are about soothing the ego , not emotional intimacy, interest, or availability.

I wish I could hand you a chunk of dismissiveness to borrow, these guys definitely need to be dismissed. Not available!!! Not adequate for you!!! NEXT!!!