My journey to secure

What a I mean, is that I am aware of inappropriate attention to an ex and I choose to turn my attention to my own life and what the experience has meant for my own evolution. Relationships teach us about ourselves, and if a painful experience isn't educational then it will be repeated.

I have been in situations where I felt overwhelmed by what happened in a relationship and had a lot of feelings to resolve around it. What I have learned, is that it is MUCH more beneficial and empowering to my own growth to judiciously train my attention away from what is obsessing you right now.

The fact is, I am responsible for who and what and how I engage. As horrible as a person has behaved with me, as dishonest or abusive or manipulative as they have been, it remains that they exploited my own blind spots. My health is dependent on examining myself. This is not avoiding my anger at an ex. In an attempt to process and understand what happened, I can choose to either say
He this
He that
He might
He didn't
He always
He never
Did He?
Didn't He?
Why did he?
Why didn't he?
Or I can ask myself what happened in me? Why?

That's what you're doing in therapy and it's very powerful. But the power he has outside that room is imbalanced in my opinion. And I get it- you feel frustrated and impacted and still vulnerable. Possibly humiliated.

Yes- I do mean, limit the energy you give this, the power you give him. He wants to triangulate? If it's something you're thinking about before and after you see him, he's got too much power that you alone are giving him. If you know you are impacted and still show up you are giving it energy. If you know he still has a grip on you and you force yourself to be around him, you have chosen to throw yourself in front of a bus. That's just the way I see it. You are still engaging drama.

Some might say "Go, do what you enjoy, even if he is there." But I would say, if you do that, you might be utilizing what seems like a healthy cloak to cover your own continued investment in drama. It's possible that while you pretend to assert autonomy and healthy continuance of your own activities in spite of his presence, you are actually hoping for a different outcome, or revenge, or attention yourself, or to see his mask slip so you feel validated, or to prove something, or whatever. If you have an emotional agenda in being around him, you are still energetically involved in an unhealthy way and you will perpetuate your own suffering.

I've been in that situation with shared people and places and I understand. I'm not saying go or don't go. I'm saying be willing to explore your own continuing investment in drama while you do whatever you choose to do. And then, when you feel like blaming him for any of this at all, turn your attention to your own internal drama that led you to engage in this toxic relationship in the first place. Why do this? Is it in order to beat yourself up and take blame and feel shame? NO! It's to mature your perspective and deal with the REAL ISSUES- your own unsolved pain that existed LONG before this crazy relationship was created by the two of you.

This isn't about blame and shame. It's about empowering yourself with personal responsibility and compassion.

These encounters are going to continue to inspire very intense negative emotional reactions in you. But they are a distraction from the real issues if you keep your attention on him and these superficial games.

It's not about him. It never was. He is a reflection of your own shadow. Not your own badness, no. Your own pain. You increase that pain and you tie knots around your own ankles when you let this be about him.

That's what I mean- exes have an impact but we get to choose how much through our thinking, and our behaviors.

If you stay on the right track you will be able to be UNIMPACTED by him because you will know why you did what you did, why and how you dug a hole for yourself by engaging with someone like him, and what you will do differently every day forward. You will no longer be ensnared by your own internal dramas. We all have them,
they drive what we do. We can change them, we can change no one else but we can change ourselves to be conscious, grounded, and aware, and in control of ourselves.

@sherry it is indeed very much imbalanced. I would love to say that he occupies my mind more because he's in my circle, and although it definitely adds time, I know it's not that. Last time I was dumped from a casualish relationship, I was devastated for 3 months. THREE MONTHS! He wasn't even in the same country.

It's like when I get dumped I just drop almost everything. I understand that everyone struggles with a break up, but this is too much. And of course it's not only the break up, but during the relationship also. We've figured out, with my therapist, that for me at least, it all comes down to self worth, well mostly. Also, break ups trigger the relationship I had with my dad and the lingering grief.

The reason I fall for guys like this is my dad. He is a guy like this. He wasn't really in my life growing up, and although I could call him anytime and he would make time for me, he saw us on his terms, he visited when he wanted. He cheated on my mother, I don't know details, but maybe he was a player too. Very charming man, one of those people who everyone wants to be around. I have no idea if he had narcissistic tendencies tbh, but figuring out my dad is very interesting. Painful, but interesting. Last session I was crying the whole time.

I remember my mom always told me that my dad never opens up, I never gave that any thought because my mother is full blown AP and I could understand why he didn't want to open up, but now I see that my mother's complaint is valid. She was caught up in a toxic relationship and that's probably why I get caught up in similar ones.

I asked my therapist how to overcome this, she said basically just the realization of it is the solution.

It's very interesting. My sibling is in a relationship with someone who exactly like my mother and I'm probably getting into relationships who are exactly like my dad. There's reason why it's a cliche 😂

mamut, I relate very well to what you've said, about choosing someone like a parent (Ive chosen variations of both! ) and recreating a familiar dynamic.

I also agree with your therapist that simply realizing it is the key to fixing it. Then, it's a process of trial and error and going deeper- I don't think that it's a one-off epiphany that frees us immediately but we uncover layers of illusion and confusion, as we go. We peel back layers to get to where we need to be.

The thing about needs. It's eye opening, to see that what we define as needs in these dysfunctional relationships is actually so far below what we will eventually find. In toxic relationships, we lower our bar to just struggle to ask to not be treated like shit. Our "normal" is so deprived and barren. we struggle to stand up and just ask to not be disrespected. right?

But the more you experience love and healthy relating in other relationships , in social interactions, etc- the more you can habituate to basic good treatment where all these needs are met automatically because you are valued, cherished, appreciated, given a place to be yourself warts and all- there is no need to constantly ask, assert, hope for some kind of reciprocity and respect. It just is, as a backdrop. I grow into this more and more.

So yeah, for now, DO go ahead and just ask for what you'd like- why the hell not?!? If the puppy is pooping on your table, get it off the table so it can poop in a more appropriate place. "Can you take this behavior of yours somewhere else? Thanks, I appreciate your consideration."

Practice asking for the fundamentals. This is boundary setting, and the problem is not just that toxic individuals aren't automatically decent- it's that you are habituated to not enforce being treated decently. This is your practice arena, enjoy it! It's leading you to a different landscape internally and externally. Change starts with cleaning out the crap. Get it out of your life!!

@sherry oh yeah, we do settle for way less than we deserve! My mother raised me with the notion that putting the needs of another above yours is the right thing to do. Suffering in this life, is the right thing to do and being confident is considered equal to being a narcissist basically. That's how she lives, that's what she taught me. It's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of, but I'm making baby steps.

Your words are very encouraging! Yes, I should ask exactly for what I want with no fear of how the other will react. As long as I'm speaking the truth, it doesn't matter how someone interprets my actions, that's their problem.

alexandra very helpful reads! Thank you! I can definitely relate and yes, these are exactly what we're working on with my therapist! The attachment theory gave me a nice framework too, it really tied everything together for me!

I've been feeling weird today. One moment I think I'm over him and the next I think my feelings are back, nearly full blown. Maybe it's just the anger subsiding, but it's definitely a good idea to stay even further away from him. Everytime I get a good feeling about him, I simply remind myself that I see my dad in him and everything makes sense. The feelings don't go back down, they just make sense. I dunno how to describe it, but it's a good thing. Like I know that any romantic feelings I have for him are due to my upbringing and if I ever decided to give it another go, it would be disastrous.

That said, that stupid connection I felt we had is still there. I know that too will fade because even if we do have a connection, what I see now isn't a guy is like to hang out with. So I believe that even if we managed to stay friends the first time instead of reconnecting, I'd probably be disappointed with him by now and would have already started to back out of the friendship.

I do strongly advise people to avoid their exes as much as possible. I really really REALLY wish it was an option for me, to not see him at all.

I know it can be scary, but it's way better in the long run. It's very easy to fall back into the trap when you socialize with them. The "object" of your obsession is right there and as much as you know that they have hurt you and probably still are, their presence is soothing. There's a reason they refer to it as if it's a drug addiction.

That's what happened to me last night for a few minutes. I thought of us together for a brief moment and it felt real good. We did that inside joke thing, he looked at me a couple of other times when two people were talking to me and I knew he knew what I was thinking because we've talked about both of them etc. It is SO easy to fall for them again. But is it worth it? Hell no. That was the moment I asked my friend to not leave me alone, but as I said, she didn't need to. I snapped out of it fairly quickly. I do need to protect myself more though, as you can see, I still have feelings which right now I think they'll never go away. I know they will,this has happened to me before. It's my AP side that's romanticizing it again and the bond that is similar to my father. I know we could never form a fulfilling relationship, so there's no point to caving in to the cravings.

This too shall pass.

I feel a lot better regarding my ex at least. I spend most of the day not thinking about him and if I do, he's just a figure in my head.

The basic notion now, is that he's just a guy that I don't really like and I'm sure that the more I get to know him, the more I won't like him. As for getting to know him, I have no intention on doing so. If we happen to be sitting and the same table, so be it, but I have no interest in him or what's going on in his life anymore.

I feel like he used me and that's exactly what he's doing to other women and friends. I'm 100% sure this is the behavior that will shine through in the end.

As for my depression, just the realization of it helped a bit, but not out of it yet. I'm not expecting to just snap out of it, I just realized that I hit rock bottom the other day and now I'm finally moving upwards.

So I mentioned that my ex added a friend of mine just by seeing her on FB. I knew he added her so he can hit on her but our common friend said she thinks he did it to socialize etc. Well today my friend told me that he hit on her 😂 She told him that we're good friends and he apologized but this just shows me how absorbed he is with himself. He claimed he didn't know we were good friends when he has seen us together and I'm very open with my feelings, trust me, it shows. And we're all over fb etc. I'm sure he just apologized because my friend said no basically 😂

Last time I saw him, he left with a friend of our common friend. He's going through all our female friends 😂 oh Lord 😂

I mean seriously, am I being weird about this? I'm really almost over him, I do think that there are not much feelings left and even the ones that are, are, I dunno, out of habit? So I'm genuinely asking if I'm being weird about this.

Like, what are your opinions about people who "shop" from their friend's friend list?