Dating tips attatchment styles, the 7 love phases

The 7. Dating/love phases:

1.
THEME: Are you a potential partner - am I?

PURPOSE:
Contact must be achieved
exchange of information that can lead you to meet

2. PHASE: The initial meeting.
You meet: Speak, flirt, dance etc together (physically, online or by phone). It is here that it can be beneficial to be able to talk about wind and weather, nothing and everything - for while you are skimming and feeling each other out. That is the way we humans examine how chemistry between us is, and whether we want to go further and get to know the other.

THEME: Are you a potential partner - am I?
PURPOSE: Creating a desire to meet again

Normal psychological CHALLENGES:
fear of rejection, anxiety about becoming laught at, fear of intimidation, that the other exceeds one's boundaries, anxiety about hurting the other or even becoming Hurt.
What is good to do - many things, but for example:
Be happy and be yourself. Remember the focus should be on having a couple of good hours together, where you want to meet again be curious and open without telling everything about yourself or demanding that the other do.
Flirt.

3. PHASE:
Investigative, clarifying chemistry meetings (typically 1-5 times)
You meet to find out who the other is. Is he / she interesting to me as a partner? It's a bit more like job interviews, where you both need to find out if you want to get to know each other more. With a little elegance and gentleness, examine where the other is in relation to your dealbreakers.
Do not compromise on the most important dealbreakers, such as having children ect.
THEME:
Are you a potential quality partner- am I? There may be Spring in the air
PURPOSE:
To clarify whether you should continue to get to know each other.

You must both examine at least 10 things:

1. Does He/she turn me on - or can I become turned on later? (Give it at least 3 meetings, though there is no spark if he / she is otherwise interesting to you!) - good to flirt here!

2. Do we have common interests, attitudes, dreams and goals?

3. Do I like him / her?

4. Do I respect him / her and vice versa?

5. Can I count on him / her?
1. Phone calls and sms: women and some men pay close attention to when answers come back and who takes the initiative (often people with the ambivalent / nervous connection form)
2. Agreements, times etc. are observed.
3. What does he / she tell about stability versus clutter and chaos etc?

6. Will he / she add anything to my life? Can I?

7. Does he / she want to fit into my life? Family, children, friends, work, etc. If not, will it be okay for me?

8. Well, this is important if you are not just having fun: Does he / she already have a partner? Ask directly if he / she has a partner. Check out later by asking discreetly and "randomly" what he / she are doing in the holiday, how he / she usually celebrates Christmas or other traditions

9. Has he / she just got out of a relationship? If so be careful. You can easily just become a rebound

10. Does he / she speak negatively about others? Especially the opposite sex? This could Be a sign that he / she easily blames you for things, that do not go as He/she wants. Of course, one can be quite filled with negative emotions and thoughts if one has just been divorced or dropped. Consider carefully whether it is worth your time! Especially if it takes up a lot and if he / she reacts negatively! You can ask: " what do You think was your own tribute"

4. PHASE:
You get to know each other more and are seeing eachother more often (typically first weeks - 3 months)
The Crushing phase.

Here you elaborate on the knowledge of each other. The more in love you are, the less you see each other as you really are. You will see each other more as you think (wish) that the other person is. When you are in "love" in This phase, you unconsciously enlarge the positive qualities and sides of your partner and diminish (meaning) or ignore the negative things.
There may be some uncertainty and jealousy, depending on your attatchmentstyle. This can cause dramas and severe emotional reactions.
Some relationships have small crises or ends here: often at 1 month or at 3 months!

THEME: We are lovers or well on our way to becoming so.

PURPOSE: Get to know each other and each other's worlds.

5. PHASE:
You are lovers (the first year) This love phase May be like the "love" as in phase 4.
For many people, there is more peace in this period, mixed with love. It can be disturbed by the fact that women are typically quick to commit to the relationship, while men are more often slow, namely 1-2 years to commit.
It goes without saying that it easily gives hassle if one expects that you are moving together and maybe even marry after a few weeks / months and at most ½ year, while the other is still in the start phase!

You introduce each other to family and friends during this period.
Some relationships have small crises or ends after approx. 1 year, where the intense infatuation hormones evaporate for the most part.

THEME: We are lovers. we have fun, we go out and experience the world together!

PURPOSE: Get to know each other's family and friends Getting to know each other and each other's worlds even better Building the relationship

Psychological CHALLENGES:
fear of being abandoned, fear of commitment and resistance to closing the back door, anxiety about wasting time (especially for women where the biological clock ticks, even after the menopause)

During this period, it is typically good to see eachother 2-4 times a week.

6. PHASE:
Romantic phase (1 year to 3 -5 years). The love phase (the honeymoon phase), which, however, can be quite like everyday life. The hot love phase (honeymoon phases) is over. The infatuation can still be active. The relationship has become "permanent".

For many, therefore, there is more peace and security during this period. Most have clarified whether they want to live together, and if so, they move in together. Some relationships have crises or end in this period, when the " in love hormones" evaporate.

The Love no longer feeds automatically from the love hormones.
Each partner must make an effort to maintain and preferably build the love.
Some People forgets about building the love, and the break occurs after about 6-7 years.
However, there is also a part that ends about 3 years of in love.

THEME:
We are a couple. Having Children ect. It's the YEAR OF LOVE - we are harvesting and taking care of each other. We are often at home, when we are together.

PURPOSE:
To build and develop relationships and love. To "build nest" and nursery care.

Psychological CHALLENGES:
power struggle, polarization,take each other for granted,stagnation.

If you dream of love and a long-term relationship, then it is already here in the romantic love phase, you and your partner are going to develop love for each other and create some good love routines.

Continue to be open and courious - even if you BELIEVE you know your partner, you don't do it 100%.
He / she does not even know himself… we also change ourselves continuously, develop and complicate ourselves.

Flirt (with each other)! Now it does not necessarily go completely by itself - so it is especially here you have to keep flirting right! One has not to take each other for granted, when the relationship has got the nature of being permanent.

Learn about the love languages ​​you yourself and your partner has - and use them to fill up each other's love tanks. (Gary Chapmann)

Worst thing to do:

Demolition and criticism (It perceives the instinctive part of the brain as hostility. AND it not only breaks down love, respect, and self-esteem, but also the immune system, so you can become easier / more sick, maybe even gain wait. (Source: John Gottman)

Exclude the other to the extreme. (emotions, thoughts, physical touch)

Starve the other and / or yourself in regard of love.

7. PHASE:
Friendly phase (3 -? Years) Everyday life!

THEME:
We are P-A-R! It's winter

PURPOSE:
Getting through the power struggle and developing the conscious relationship. Growing a Swan Couple Relationship!

Psychological CHALLENGES:
you focus on comfort rather than development, take each other for granted, power struggle, polarization, stagnation: What you do not care for develops - it is settled!

What is good to do - many things, for example:
To cultivate love and put into the love tank.
To cultivate lots of quality love together
Doing new things together
To repair when you wound or disappoint your partner - and to receive repair from the other!
To support each other in reaching their dreams
AND many, many more things!

Imago:
The old brain is designed so that we quickly read each other, when we meet a stranger.
It only takes a fifth of a second to activate the 12 brain areas that make you fall in love.
We know during the moments most about the other person, at least at the unconscious level. At this primitive level: friend or enemy.

Primitive or not, this part of us is terribly good at selecting other people who matches our often unconscious patterns. Such as if you always fall in love with the wrong ones. Those who, for example, are workaholics or maybe do not really want you.

Then this old brain is at stake. It is programmed to select and make you fall in love with just the kind of men / women who can restore your childhood psychical environment for good and bad.

However, if you are tired of falling in love with the wrong ones, you can change this infatuation template. In short, you can do that by healing all the negative emotions and instinctive reactions that are in store from the past in this part of the brain.
Ex. If You react strongly to af persons text That says not to meet any more, despite the fact that You hardly know the person, the explanation lays in your old part of your brain.

The person can remind You of your mother and father. Not on the persons appearance and at first not on the persons behavior. Only later in the relationship the negative similarities emerge.
But the old brain registrates this quickly. The more in love - the greater the challenges later.

Imago's explanation of love: The ultra-short version is:
We fall in love with one who can restore our childhoods mental environment on the good and bad. Where the negative gives the sparks.

This is because the love template is in the old part of the brain. This part of the brain is extremely primitive in relation to neocortex, where reason and conscious thoughts emerge! The old part of the brain does not operate with chronological time, but sees everything as being right now.

Therefore, if you meet a person reminiscent of someone you know or have known, then it will confuse the person with this one. You will then feel safe or unsafe, comfortable or uncomfortable, etc.

You complement eachother:  (shadow sides)
At the same time, this person whom you fall in love with has sides, that you have repressed and lack to accept and / or develop  in yourself. That is, compensatory sides that makes the other different from yourself. If you are outgoing, you may fall in love with someone who is quieter and introverted. It gives you a feeling of being whole.

Later in the relationship, these sides of the other oerson you fall in love wirh can be exactly the sides that bothers you the most.

Put IT another way: The more a person potentially is able to give you the same kind of feelings that you experienced in childhood, the more in love you become!

Unfortunately, especially the negative emotions give attraction. I could also say it like this: "The more in love - the more difficult problems later in the relationship".

The point of is that to the extent that you have healed childhood scratches and thus the negative feelings, to this extent they will not bother you in the present.

Conversely, if you haven't healed the scratches, then the relationship can allow you to do so.

Let's look at how we humans are designed to heal also psychologically, just as our body is. When we get a wound, a cold virus or break a leg, the body knows exactly what it should do. It does it, whether you think about it or not. Well, sometimes it has to be helped if the damage is big.

This is also the case on the psychological level. But think about how fascinating a great healing ability we possess. Love and relationships are, with Imago eyes, also a perfect opportunity to heal old things in your backpack, so that you can get more of the healthy Safe connection form.

Falling in love and the relationship can whirl up the things, that challenges you the most. When these things get swirled up, it can make it hard to be you. At the same time you get the opportunity to clean them out.

Your fall in love, when you need a revolution.
Italian psychologist Francesco Alberoni says: If you are a whole person, then you will not fall in love! He declares, that only when you need a revolution in your life, a change of the greater, only then yoy will fall in love!
Seen with those glasses, even if You are not interested not in this, You can fall in love.
IT can also Be a way of getting out of a stagnant relationship.
Falling in love with another can be a way of getting out of an unsatisfactory relationship. The love/crush gives the energy and possibly also the security to leave.

Between 2. date and until You and your date becomes a couple - ambivalent:

The securely attatched:
Here, things develop by themselves. It will be natural to become lovers.
If you are safe and fall in love, you are happy and lively but otherwise your life will be as usual.

The ambivalent:
The ambivalent will typically fall in love with perhaps already after 1-3 date.
If the other one is not so interested, you will doubt if the other likes you - you can also doubt if you are good enough.
You will experience it as if you have been obsessed with the other person and you can have difficulty using your head at your work.

Dopamine and noradrenaline are activated in the brain when we are in love/when we have a crush. It requires a lot of energy for the ambivalent, to be in this phase.

You keep an eye on how many text messages the other person will send, who is calling who, how many smileys the other person uses and you over-analyze everything and you are hyper-aware.

It can be pretty tiering for ahe ap to be in the crushing phase.

The problem here is that you often lose yourself and here you can also quickly loose the other persons interest in you, because you are not at home in yourself. You will not be very interesting to the other person. Its like visiting a friend who is not a hone. How intresting is it to visit another perosn house, when no one is at home ?

It is loving to yourself, if you become more at home in yourself and you land your nervous system.
Methods:
- Use the paradoxial change method, the water tank exercise, into secure attachment exercises, getting into the now exercise ect.
- Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist. Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. So you will becomr present in the precent moment. (It works for 90 % of apś)

If you are in doubt:
You become unsure of what you want and whether the other is interesting enough. Your old part of the brain tries to find faults about the other person. However, you still have good moments with the other person.
You've talked to your friends and just as soon as you've made a decision, you're starting to doubt again. You will Get yourself in a yo yo limbo.
Here you can also find it difficult to concentrate on yourself. Land your nervous system. Try to become objective. Look at your dealbreakers and look at your love vision. You can share this with a friend of the other sex who knows you well.
To be in doubt is an old defense mecanism That is keeping you from being Hurt.
Here you can also use the rubberband exercise or you can use a coin. Feel if you are relieved or sad - but just right after the coin lands on your hand. Otherwide You Will start to doubt again.

If You still are having problems look at the healing ambivalent thread and do the exercises and find yourself an attatchment therapist.

If You are dating someone with some ambivalent attatchment style:
Do not Play games, breath, remember That the other person can be in doubt.

Meet a couple of times per week in This start up phase. This Will give some pease in the ambivalents nerveussystem.

Do not wait for too long to answer a text. Its better to call instead. If the ambivalent sends You a Lot of texts every Day, Then do not answar right away. IT is unpolite to text other people All the time.
Do not Make your texts too Short.
Text once or twice a Day. And make one phonecall. Remember how the other person reacts, is about the other persons own pattern.

After the 2. Date until You become a couple.

Disorganized:
Maybe you just have a little disorganized attatchment style - maybe only 5% and it only appears in your love life.

It feels like a tension in the nervous system, high arousel, by tension in the chest, anxiety in the body, difficulty breathing ect.
 It can feel like panic anxiety.
Or you do not feel anything at all in the body and this is because you are dissosiated. You can't count on your bodys signals.
Use the water tank exercise, push exercise, here and now exercise ect.

Spend more time getting to know the other person. You need your head and use reason.
Get a friend to help you.

Boundaries are important, pay attention to any underdog / Overdog dynamics. You can overstep your own and other peoples boundaries. Also Letting other people overstep your own boundaries.
Use competent protector exercise, the water tank exercise, here and now exercise, orientation exercise.
Check out your dealbreakers and your love vision.

Shame, you may feel your boundaries, but you have doubts about your boundaries being okay.
Get help from an objective friend.
SE is good for the disorganized.
See the thread healing of disorganized attatchmentstyle. Work with a therapist.
The disorganized can use Peter Levine's wuu sound.

Are you dating a person with disorganized affiliation
Rest in yourself, be clear with your boundaries, use clear communication, clearly say yes or no. Be aware of boundaries. Do not be pushy. If the disorganized is moving too fast, then be gentle and loving. Say you just have to be able to follow, but that you are still interested. Is there is drama, land your own and the other's nervous system. The disorganized can be confused. While ambivalent may be in doubt.

Sex and the different attatchment styles

The securely attatched
Sex is natural but it does not take up everything in the relationship. If one has different sex needs, the couple finds out to solve it.
Sex is fun, present, profound, with a surrender to the sensual and the spiritual.
You are present in the present moment. You are able to see and feel both yourself and the other. You melt together in the lovemaking.
They are not so experimental and do not need much sex toys, swinger clubs, extreme sex ect.

The ambivalent
They can have a lot of sex or they see more sex as something romantic. If they see sex as something romantic, Sometimes the ambivalent can think, That a Guy only wants to have sex With them and are not interested in Them as a person. But they cant REALLY know this in the beginning. IT is hopefully a natural thing That a Guy wants to have sex With You, if he is attracted to You. Remember you are an adult - you are being responsible for having sex with a person.

Unconsciously, sex can be used as confirmation, since you have low self-esteem.
Sex can also be seen as a sign that the relationship is right.
Sex can be a way to make sure that the other does not leave you.
You can use sex to control the other person
Or they can use sex as a commodity - if I give you sex then you stay with me.

The dismissive
They lack the feeling of their body and their emotions, and therefore sex can sometimes become mechanical.
They cannot feel but thry often like to look at their partners enjoyment when having sex.

The disorganized
They can be promiscuous.
They can be scared of sex
You can use it as confirmation and be uncritical about who you are having sex with. You can have sex with many people
Through sex they can experience closeness.
Power / powerlessness. Bondage, s / m sex ect.
Pain can be a way to relive past traumas. One may have a tendency to maintain the high nervous system arousel when having extreme sex. If the tension goes down, they may believe, that they are dying on the instinctive level. Sex with a secure person can feel boring.

Shame vs. shamelessness
Sex can be grounded with shame. Some are ashamed of their body. Also if you had been sexually abused.
Or some may be shameless.
You are shameless to yourself if you are being promiscues.

Use Peter Levines wuu exercise to release some of the deep shame. You can also use the exercise if you are low on energy.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=BAY4_ufmNqw

We Will end a relationship when The pain of staying is more painful than leaving.

However, the insecure patterns can be turned on in a relationship.

IT is also a problem That We watch other peoples perfect lifes through instagram, movies ect, so it can Make us believe, that we need the perfect partner.

The ambivalent may think the grass is always greener next door.

The dopamine rush can make people switch partners quickly. We have a use and throw away culture in dating life.

Consider when you date, what is the good enough partner.
And what is needed for you to be a good enough partner.

 In these cases you will need to end the relationship:

Internal signals:

If you experience disgust
If you feel uneasy, where your body wants to retire/withdraw
If you feel drained or you get in a bad mood after you have been together with the other person. If you often feel drained, it may be because the other person has bigger traumas inside. The other could be more damaged than yourself
Your hair raises in your neck
You get goosebumps 
If the other has a depression you Will also feel drained

m.youtube.com/watch?v=UDxHRodGiX0&feature=youtu.be - Dr. Ramani - narcs - when your body knows someone is a narcissist before your brain does

If you want to put down the other person

If you feel yourself feeling smaller and You are trying to exert yourself for the other, so that you are good enough

Be aware If This happens every time you date, then You have to work with yourself

 Is your body is in alarm condition when you date? It can be signs of something unhealthy. Fight, escape, freeze
Unless you have got some disorganized attatchment style

The smell of the other is important. If you do not like the other persons smell, you will not come to like it later either. This is pure biology. We secrete all pheromones.

Your dealbreakers

External signals:
The other is threatening or otherwise crosses your boundaries
If you have some disorganized attatchmentstyle, you can ask someone you know with a more secure attatchmentstyle, who knows you.

If the other person manipulates, lies, cheats
Few shows this in the beginning
If the other speaks down at you, talks down about others ect.

If the other is charming and intense and it is too good to be true, then be aware of psychopathic and narcissistic features. This happens until you have surendered yourself to the other person.
You can Try to yawn and watch if the other person mirrors You. If not it may be a warning sign.
You can also try to provoke the person early on - by saying no to something they want. Try to say no to a date, a vacation ect. Sometimes they then will suddenly show their true colours.
They do not like being told no. They can be very intuitive and they can try to read you and tell you, what you are longing to hear.