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Post by anne12 on Sept 23, 2022 11:10:03 GMT
youtu.be/zkbLfp-RicsMen and dating with Esther Perel Relationship Therapist Esther Perel on Modern-Day Dating Challenges for Men | The Man Enough Podcast
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Post by anne12 on Sept 27, 2022 11:21:00 GMT
Who is paying the bill ? youtu.be/fm68F1gyP8U - Ruben Östlund on Triangle of Sadness Who pays the bill on a date? The man? Always the man? The woman? 50/50? Is it whoever invites pays. If you start dating more, do you have to switch to pay ? If one earns significantly more than their date, should the person pick up the bill more often. if men get tired of the fact that the bill – as an expected matter of course – is always on them when they are on a date. Especially in 2022 Or if the woman earns more. What do you do on dates? What do the young people do? As a woman, do you expect the man to always pay? Would you (despite feminist leanings in general) be disappointed or feel contempt if the man didn't pick up the bill Do you take it for granted that the bill will always be split? Think of the first...say...1-6 dates. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 27, 2022 17:03:38 GMT
Why you should date/fall in love in small chunks
Do you want to feel more joy and happiness here and now ?
Even if you may be far from happy.
It is is always relevant to go from dark/heavy atmospheres to lighter ones
At the same time, there can be an "addiction" to the darkness/heaviness. Although it may seem illogical or a little crazy, that your system doesn't just want you to be happy.
There are 3 really good reasons for this:
1) the familiar gives the old part of the brain (limbic system and brainstem) reassurance *
2) trauma/stress energy pulls us from the joy/happy/pleasure energy into the trauma vortex *
3) if you have not been used to joy and presence in your first years of life (up to 4 years), then the nervous system has not matured for as much excitement/happiness as it provides.
In any given case, it is best to take pleasure incl. falling in love in small chunks and thereby maturing the nervous system
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Post by anne12 on Nov 12, 2022 5:22:13 GMT
How many times should you date a new person?
Give it 8-10 times
A study shows, that if you meet the same person 8 times, you will feel more safe and feel more familiar with the person (if the person is healthy), and you want to get to know more about the person
It will also be easier for you to decide if you should keep dating each other
Your mood and whats going on in your life can also change from time to time, so it better to give it a chance
A psychologist (ap) and her (avoidant) boyfriend who is a coach
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Post by anne12 on Jan 8, 2023 17:31:49 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Jan 11, 2023 7:48:38 GMT
5 Telltale Signs You're Unconsciously Pushing Love Away (and Draining Your Self-Esteem) - Discover Them Before You Do It Again:
Dating
1) As a single You (almost) can't bear to date because there are so many who is not serious
Maybe just the thought of having a profile on a dating app or site makes you weary.
You may simply have experienced too many bad exchanges of messages, dates or no dates, even though you have done many things for it.
It may be that you cannot see it, or you think: All the good men / women are taken! or At my age there are no decent men left!
Ask yourself: When did I give up that love is for me too? (it may have repeated itself, so there are multiple times)
Allow yourself to grieve and/or rage over this instead of shutting down.
2) You take a date's bad behavior personally
This is not to point fingers at you. I realize that you are not intentionally taking other people's behavior personally - if you do this. And most of us actually do. We are designed to be influenced by each other because we are pack animals. It's just mean if you interpret the other person's lack of interest or bad behavior as proof that something is wrong with you! What the other person thinks, says and does or doesn't think, doesn't say and doesn't do - it's all about who the other person is. Not about you… Period!
Ask yourself: Is what I'm experiencing a pattern that repeats itself over and over again? If it's a pattern, okay, it has something to do with you. But it's not about something being wrong with you. Rather, it is about you (unconsciously) not setting your standards and limits or not bypassing those who behave badly. Allow yourself to dive beneath the pattern: What pain is it working to protect you from?
(hint: in the case of the ambivalent/nervous attachment pattern, it is the fear of losing (an example: if your date ghosts you, it will not turn into a committed relationship. In this way, it protects against a greater pain of losing when you have surrendered) - in the avoidant it is the fear of being rejected and in the disorganized it is the fear of being overwhelmed and intimidated)
3) You date below level (make do) - or you date above level
Disclaimer: In this context, level is not necessarily social status, but a total score of various parameters such as appearance, age, charm, humor, intelligence, etc.
Many men and women date either below or above "level". But only in equality does love have proper conditions.
If you're dating below level, it could be to make sure you're loved or just to be in a relationship. Typically happens when one's self-esteem is poor. The problem is, when you date below level, you're telling yourself you're not worth what you are…
A study a few years ago also found that men like to score and have sex with women below their "level". Women they couldn't bring themselves to date.
If you date above level, it is typically a way of unconsciously securing yourself against the possibility of love succeeding. - Or you just have a very good self-esteem and self-confidence. Smile, congratulations and go for it!
Ask yourself: If I'm completely honest with myself, what do I get out of dating below/above level? If you get a response that feels negative, ask yourself “What does this give me? Keep going until you land on something that makes sense to you.
4) You have a "Find at least 5 faults radar"
Do you hear your friends or family say: Aren't you a little picky? Maybe you won't find anyone you want to date. Or it may be that you are interested in one in the first place. But if it develops into more, your "Find 5 Flaws Radar" kicks in and makes you skip the second one. Or make you doubt and so lukewarm that the other slips away.
Ask yourself: Where is my fault finder right - and where is it a protection?
Share it and get support from someone else who has a realistic judgment in relation to others (secure attachment pattern). .
5) You don't set your standards If you please, you make yourself less valuable.
Then the other person will have a hard time noticing, respecting or really being attracted to you. Yes, maybe attracted if the person concerned has a pattern of only being focused on their own needs. But that has nothing to do with love or equality. Most people have heard that as a woman you have to play it important when dating... Stop! Do not! It seems like peeing in your pants to keep warm. Maybe you catch his interest for a moment and that's nice. But most men don't mind games (just like most women don't either) and he slips away again. Or worse, he stays because you're good at the game.
When can you just be you? And then he slips away? If you are not authentically you, you will never feel loved. Mostly admired. Because then it is not you that you show, and therefore not you that is loved - but your mask!
Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, I can recommend you to find where you feel that you are valuable. Just because you ARE (you). It is also very sexy and attractive. From here you will be able to clearly communicate what is okay and what is not for you. What standards do you have. This way the other person can feel and respect you.
Ask yourself: Where or how can I feel my worth? What are my standards? Hint: When you are present in the moment, you ARE. Valuable. As in nothing more and nothing less.
An attatchment, SE, love, vita coach
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Post by anne12 on Jan 12, 2023 8:20:27 GMT
5 Telltale Signs You're Unconsciously Pushing Love Away (and Draining Your Self-Esteem) - Discover Them Before You Do It Again:
In the relationship:
1) You please the other and lose yourself in the relationship
2) You have a "Find at least 5 faults radar"
Just as singles can have this automatic fault finding radar, it is extremely common in relationships including couples. It stems from the ambivalent attachment pattern, where one easily sees faults and shortcomings. As an unconscious way to protect oneself from losing love. Even if it just makes you push love away! The logic is that when you push love away, you can't lose it - and so it doesn't hurt (so much) if the relationship ends.
Ask yourself: How important is it to the relationship that this mistake or shortcoming be "fixed"? - and is it a protection strategy right here?
3) You turn a blind eye to dealbreakers
Reversed of the "5 fault radar", you can be good at seeing the positive in the other person. You have a big heart and that's great. But maybe you don't see the things that now or later will make the relationship difficult or impossible.
Eg. if the other is quick to open a bottle of good wine when you are enjoying yourself together. Then you can think: "oh he is really good at enjoying life". Later, it may turn out that he has an excessive consumption of alcohol. Or if the other is often seen with the ex, with whom she has children, and you think: "How nice it is that she makes a point of being friends with her ex-husband - she is a good mother". And it turns out that she wasn't done with her ex-husband at all.
Ask yourself: What are my dealbreakers? (dealbreakers are the things that cause the relationship to become an eternal struggle and/or end if they are there or missing. E.g. children/no children, alcohol, smoking, drugs etc. abuse, honesty/ lies, finances, jealousy, flirting, sex and desire, how to treat others, etc.
Get an opinion from someone else who has a realistic judgment in relation to others (secure attachment pattern).
4) You are with someone who does not choose you - or you find it difficult to choose the other wholeheartedly
This one is in the same as if you date above or below level.
If you are with someone who does not really choose you, love will not be able to develop between you. Voila, a brilliant way to deal with the fear of losing, being rejected or being overwhelmed by intimacy (that is, all 3 insecure attachment patterns).
Yes, yes - I have spoken to quite a few women who have been able to tell me how much they had felt loved by their married lover. Until it ended because his wife found out and demanded he quit. Or they could no longer stand being the 3rd wheel.
I have met even more men and women who were with someone who could not or perhaps would not commit to them. Who stayed in the relationship anyway. Satisfied with being "friends with benefits" (there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, if BOTH are happy and fully satisfied with it. Then it's just wonderful).
Those I have spoken to have been upset and frustrated. By staying and hoping for more, they drained their self-esteem. Therefore, it became harder to believe that love was also for them.
Ask yourself: What does it give me to be with him/her when he/she doesn't want or can't say YES wholeheartedly to me?
Keep asking more deeply until you get an answer that makes a positive sense.
It could also be that you are the one who cannot choose the other wholeheartedly. Maybe you're with the other because it's nice and affirming that the other WANTS YOU. Maybe you haven't made up your mind about what you want. Or maybe you're with the other because it feels better to have a partner than to be single. Or you simply think that if you settle for someone who wants you - then it is a safeguard against being abandoned (it is often completely unconscious)!
I have met many, men and women, who have let themselves be chosen. The price can be a relationship where you probably feel loved, but which is not equal. And you therefore drain your self-esteem. This happens regardless of whether you are "above" or "below" equality.
Ask yourself: What does it give me to be with him/her when I don't want to or can't say YES wholeheartedly to him/her?
Keep asking more deeply until you get an answer that makes a positive sense.
5) You are either left in a relationship or you leave the relationship yourself as a pattern
Whether your pattern is to leave or be left, it's just a slavish pattern. At least if you want a long-lasting relationship, where love can be allowed to build up and develop!
Abandon and abandoned are expressions that love could not fill (enough) in the relationship. When you have experienced it again and again, you can lose faith in love or your abilities in love life.
Ask yourself: How long will I live with this pattern? How will my life be better if I got help to change this?
An attatchment, SE, love/vita coach
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