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Post by tnr9 on Apr 23, 2020 17:28:00 GMT
So, she just broke up with me. I'm devastated by it wasn't unexpected. It boils down to incompatibility. I am sorry.....do something really nice for yourself today.
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Post by toorational on Apr 23, 2020 17:48:33 GMT
I'm not even crying. I'm in shock I think. Like when one of your loved ones dies. You're in denial and can't quite accept that it's real.
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Post by toorational on Apr 23, 2020 19:37:00 GMT
So we finally got to talk and somehow I convinced her to give us another chance for this weekend to start afresh. She actually wants to pretend we don't know each other and like it's our first date or something. I know that it's truly our last chance.
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Post by kranichangel on Apr 23, 2020 19:58:54 GMT
If I can give you one piece of advice from the bottom of my heart - please don't try to convince someone to get back with you, or to give you another chance. Value yourself more. You are just extending the pain, not solving anything. You guys acting like you haven´t met each other might seem like an exciting "game" but games don't last. They don't solve anything, they just prolong the inevitable. She wants the thrill of a "first date" but t will wear out and get old real soon because it is in absolutely no way sustainable. Someone who truly wants to be with you, won´t have to be convinced or begged, they will partake in a relationship because they WANT YOU, and they will show it to you!
This isn't healthy emotionally, and you deserve better, even if it really really hurts you right now to acknowledge this. You can choose to make the cut now, or play along a bit longer and get hurt all over again in a few days time (or weeks maximum is my guess). I speak from my own, painful experience. It took me many cycles of pain, short lived happiness, more pain, short lived positive reinforcement, even more pain... to finally break free and go within and truly heal myself and my core wounds. I can't even imagine the desperate and sad behaviour I was engaging in back then, and it makes me sad to see others hurt themselves like this. But we all learn on our own terms, when we are ready for it and finally had enough of this painful carousel.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 23, 2020 20:13:56 GMT
If I can give you one piece of advice from the bottom of my heart - please don't try to convince someone to get back with you, or to give you another chance. Value yourself more. You are just extending the pain, not solving anything. You guys acting like you haven´t met each other might seem like an exciting "game" but games don't last. They don't solve anything, they just prolong the inevitable. She wants the thrill of a "first date" but t will wear out and get old real soon because it is in absolutely no way sustainable. Someone who truly wants to be with you, won´t have to be convinced or begged, they will partake in a relationship because they WANT YOU, and they will show it to you! This isn't healthy emotionally, and you deserve better, even if it really really hurts you right now to acknowledge this. You can choose to make the cut now, or play along a bit longer and get hurt all over again in a few days time (or weeks maximum is my guess). I speak from my own, painful experience. It took me many cycles of pain, short lived happiness, more pain, short lived positive reinforcement, even more pain... to finally break free and go within and truly heal myself and my core wounds. I can't even imagine the desperate and sad behaviour I was engaging in back then, and it makes me sad to see others hurt themselves like this. But we all learn on our own terms, when we are ready for it and finally had enough of this painful carousel. Yep...been there too.😕
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Post by toorational on Apr 23, 2020 21:08:21 GMT
I'm 99% sure you guys are right, but I'm weak and the physical intimacy will be awesome. And I'm doing that with absolutely no false hope and no illusion. One of the main issue is my lack of trust in her love and this event just make that part worse. Yes, our difficulties will be back soon enough. I'm fully willing to take that chance and willingly put myself through more pain.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 23, 2020 23:24:13 GMT
I'm 99% sure you guys are right, but I'm weak and the physical intimacy will be awesome. And I'm doing that with absolutely no false hope and no illusion. One of the main issue is my lack of trust in her love and this event just make that part worse. Yes, our difficulties will be back soon enough. I'm fully willing to take that chance and willingly put myself through more pain. You keep saying you're weak, but I don't understand why you see yourself that way? It seems like a way of making excuses if you keep getting hurt, not like you accept yourself and your responsibility for your own choices however they turn out. That's a negative self-talk track. I'm sorry you both are struggling with this relationship. Why is intermittent reinforcement better than being alone, healing, and moving on? Or taking time off to heal and grow on your end and then revisiting after something may have truly changed (for the better)?
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Post by toorational on Apr 24, 2020 0:11:52 GMT
Weak as in weak for sex. Sex drives most men behavior and I'm no different. It might be the last weekend that we spend together for all I know but I want to enjoy it. I'm really seeing this weekend as possibly the last good time we get together before things go south again. Because things will go south again, it's inevitable, we both know it, and that time there will be no 2nd chance. I just want to be able to get at least one last great weekend together after these 5-6 weeks of torture. I see more upside than downside in this scenario.
As a side note, some of the best sex I ever had was 2 weeks after a breakup with my last ex. We had gotten together for a beer, to get some kind of closure. We ended up in her bed, both knowing full well that it was with no strings attached and the last time. Hormones were way high and it was very intense. It's actually a thing, look up "breakup sex".
So this is a similar scenario playing out, except this time we haven't seen each other for 5-6 weeks and we're not quite splitting up just yet. Still, sparks will be flying and it would take extreme willpower (or stupidity) to not take this opportunity. I'm willing to suffer the consequences, it's gonna be worth it.
Sorry to be so blunt. I've been quite honest so far so I might as well continue to be.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 24, 2020 22:37:47 GMT
If sex with her is that important maybe then consider seeing it as just that and not a relationship with ILYs etc anymore... and communicating that with her. I personally couldn't do that if I was attached to someone as it would just give me false hope and those love/closeness feelings. I've also done this before and suffered years of hoping they'd come back around. But everyone is different! I can’t either. About 6 months after B broke up with me, he came over as he was supposed to help me look for a new cat. We ended up cuddling and kissing....and I was so very hopeful that it was a sign he wanted me back. Turns out it was not and it basically started me at square zero again.😕
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Post by toorational on Apr 25, 2020 1:37:34 GMT
Ok I shouldn't have made it so much about sex, I'm not looking for a friends with benifit type of relationship. It's really about the time we spend together, physical intimacy yes but also the activities we share. We have a great time together. I want the opportunity to experience that again.
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Post by dhali on Apr 25, 2020 6:29:37 GMT
You’re in a dance, and you don’t want the dance to end. It’s a frustrating dance though. No one wins. Just recognize that you’re addicted to the dance, and nothing more. This isn’t love. This is attachment wounds being flicked. I can’t say I see anything healthy about a meetup. That’s just my opinion. I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. And I understand the desire to stop feeling that pain. I’m sorry your relationship ended. Breakups are hard. Even harder when you’re dealing with intermittent reenforcement. Hang in there.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2020 14:00:06 GMT
Ok I shouldn't have made it so much about sex, I'm not looking for a friends with benifit type of relationship. It's really about the time we spend together, physical intimacy yes but also the activities we share. We have a great time together. I want the opportunity to experience that again. I hope that it does meet your expectation. If I had a chance to go back, I would have completely cut contact after B broke up with me. I agree with dhali that the “dance” is addictive and the only way to really heal is to not engage at all.
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addict
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by addict on Apr 25, 2020 18:47:18 GMT
If I can give you one piece of advice from the bottom of my heart - please don't try to convince someone to get back with you, or to give you another chance. Value yourself more. You are just extending the pain, not solving anything. You guys acting like you haven´t met each other might seem like an exciting "game" but games don't last. They don't solve anything, they just prolong the inevitable. She wants the thrill of a "first date" but t will wear out and get old real soon because it is in absolutely no way sustainable. Someone who truly wants to be with you, won´t have to be convinced or begged, they will partake in a relationship because they WANT YOU, and they will show it to you! This isn't healthy emotionally, and you deserve better, even if it really really hurts you right now to acknowledge this. You can choose to make the cut now, or play along a bit longer and get hurt all over again in a few days time (or weeks maximum is my guess). I speak from my own, painful experience. It took me many cycles of pain, short lived happiness, more pain, short lived positive reinforcement, even more pain... to finally break free and go within and truly heal myself and my core wounds. I can't even imagine the desperate and sad behaviour I was engaging in back then, and it makes me sad to see others hurt themselves like this. But we all learn on our own terms, when we are ready for it and finally had enough of this painful carousel. Yep been here multiple times!
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addict
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by addict on Apr 25, 2020 18:48:27 GMT
I'm 99% sure you guys are right, but I'm weak and the physical intimacy will be awesome. And I'm doing that with absolutely no false hope and no illusion. One of the main issue is my lack of trust in her love and this event just make that part worse. Yes, our difficulties will be back soon enough. I'm fully willing to take that chance and willingly put myself through more pain. Been here too...
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addict
Junior Member
Posts: 56
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Post by addict on Apr 25, 2020 19:03:58 GMT
toorational... I truly sympathise... It's a hurtful dance that will only end with you feeling totally abandoned and worthless...,please for your own sanity try to stop! Believe me 8 years of constantly thinking of every word he ever said to me and every feeling I ever felt has taken its toll on me... In the end I was ghosted whilst he has moved on and in a relationship ... He's not bragging about it at all , no social media posts... Nothing, that's how I know he's serious about her... Meanwhile I'm still in a tailspin with my confidence at rock bottom... Please listen to the people on here... They truly do know what they're talking about! The one aspect I would agree with you is when you just know someone's distancing , it's so obvious to us A P's... It was also so obvious when I was in his good books! It's the switch from day to day that really confused me... Sending hugs to you 😊
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