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Post by toorational on Apr 27, 2020 17:19:02 GMT
Two quick points before I tell you about my weekend...
Thanks everyone for the warnings. Yes, I might suffer even worse down the road because of my decisions but I'm aware of that and I'm willing to take the chance.
I don't think that I'm addicted to the push-pull dance. I hate that dance. We didn't have that dynamic at all during our first year together and it was blissful. It's certainly not what attracted her to me.
Where to begin... Is it possible to be bipolar in love? I think my gf is bipolar. How else can you explain that, one day she dumps me, and then the next she's the most loving girlfriend I've ever known her for a full weekend? I mean she was all over me this whole weekend, acting SUPER affectionate, really a total 180 degree turn. Talking about moving in together, saying things like "I have no doubts anymore" or "Sometimes you need to take a step back to leap forward. Well I leaped twice as far in my love". She said that she didn't realize how much she missed me. She says it's always been like that for her. She never misses loved ones when she's away, but when she gets back, she feels how much she missed them all of a sudden. Like a protective mechanism.
A pattern seams to repeat. The lower her love gets, the higher the rebound is after we have a "wake up" talk and I confront her about her non-loving behavior. This time her love was really low, I mean dumping me for admitting to being hurt by her lack of affection on my birthday, really? Really?
I'm SO confused by all of this. I have almost no hope that this rebound will last. I think that I will protect my heart and just expect the worse, but hope for the best as they say. Right now I'm getting exactly what I wanted in this relationship. I have a girlfriend that is showing affection. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts but be very realistic about the future. I did tell her that I needed time. My heart has been on a roller-coaster lately and I need time to heal.
I truly don't know if I'll be able to open my heart up to her anymore going forward. Right now I feel a strong need to protect myself from the downturn which I fear will come. I just hope that I'm wrong and that something will have truly changed in her.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 27, 2020 18:18:23 GMT
Two quick points before I tell you about my weekend... Thanks everyone for the warnings. Yes, I might suffer even worse down the road because of my decisions but I'm aware of that and I'm willing to take the chance. I don't think that I'm addicted to the push-pull dance. I hate that dance. We didn't have that dynamic at all during our first year together and it was blissful. It's certainly not what attracted her to me. Where to begin... Is it possible to be bipolar in love? I think my gf is bipolar. How else can you explain that, one day she dumps me, and then the next she's the most loving girlfriend I've ever known her for a full weekend? I mean she was all over me this whole weekend, acting SUPER affectionate, really a total 180 degree turn. Talking about moving in together, saying things like "I have no doubts anymore" or "Sometimes you need to take a step back to leap forward. Well I leaped twice as far in my love". She said that she didn't realize how much she missed me. She says it's always been like that for her. She never misses loved ones when she's away, but when she gets back, she feels how much she missed them all of a sudden. Like a protective mechanism. A pattern seams to repeat. The lower her love gets, the higher the rebound is after we have a "wake up" talk and I confront her about her non-loving behavior. This time her love was really low, I mean dumping me for admitting to being hurt by her lack of affection on my birthday, really? Really? I'm SO confused by all of this. I have almost no hope that this rebound will last. I think that I will protect my heart and just expect the worse, but hope for the best as they say. Right now I'm getting exactly what I wanted in this relationship. I have a girlfriend that is showing affection. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts but be very realistic about the future. I did tell her that I needed time. My heart has been on a roller-coaster lately and I need time to heal. I truly don't know if I'll be able to open my heart up to her anymore going forward. Right now I feel a strong need to protect myself from the downturn which I fear will come. I just hope that I'm wrong and that something will have truly changed in her. But that is exactly what the dance is....inconsistency. Doesn’t mean she is bipolar...but it does mean that she has insecure attachment. And while you may not have fallen for her because of the dance...you are in your current place with her because of it. Be honest....you are pinning everything on how she acts towards you....even phrasing it as...i have almost no hope this rebound will last. That is the dance....highs and lows, push and pull, moving towards and then away. What do you want? If you want consistency....then it might be best to not even re engage. The more time spent with her means less time to find someone who is consistent.
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Post by kranichangel on Apr 27, 2020 19:50:46 GMT
I think at this point, it doesn't even matter what to label her behaviour - what matters, and what is pretty apparent, is, that this dynamic is fu*king with you psychologically and emotionally. It is deeply damaging to your mental well-being and balance it seems, and you will be a puppet, being pulled between two extreme moods, always feeling like something is missing, the connection isn't deep enough, consistent enough... I mean, you need to take a hard, honest look at yourself here. You are like a puppet - your partner wants to break up with you, tells you she doesn't want you any longer, yet the next day you give her complete freedom of range to take you back just like that - aren't you hurt? Aren't you angry? Sad? Disappointed? Aren't you fed up? Where are your boundaries? Your self worth and self respect? If someone tells me they don't want me anymore, yet the next day profess their deep and undying love for me, I will tell them that it seems like they truly don't know what they want and perhaps need to take some time for deep introspection to find out. Because I am not interested in getting on the emotional carousel, I am interested in stability and consistency. It is hurtful to be told someone doesn't want to be with you one day, yet the next day they suddenly do - it's actually kind of traumatising, cause you never know if you can trust what they say, or not. Or whether they will change their mind again tomorrow. So, this is where self worth and self respect comes in IMHO, where you draw some very clear lines and say, "stop". Take yourself out of this addictive dance and step back and heal yourself. If she truly wants to make this work, she will understand and perhaps choose to do the same, take time for herself to do some introspection as well. But you really have to learn to recognise and honour when your needs are not met, be honest with that, and take according measures to protect your emotional and psychological well-being.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 27, 2020 21:37:48 GMT
I think at this point, it doesn't even matter what to label her behaviour - what matters, and what is pretty apparent, is, that this dynamic is fu*king with you psychologically and emotionally. It is deeply damaging to your mental well-being and balance it seems, and you will be a puppet, being pulled between two extreme moods, always feeling like something is missing, the connection isn't deep enough, consistent enough... I mean, you need to take a hard, honest look at yourself here. You are like a puppet - your partner wants to break up with you, tells you she doesn't want you any longer, yet the next day you give her complete freedom of range to take you back just like that - aren't you hurt? Aren't you angry? Sad? Disappointed? Aren't you fed up? Where are your boundaries? Your self worth and self respect? If someone tells me they don't want me anymore, yet the next day profess their deep and undying love for me, I will tell them that it seems like they truly don't know what they want and perhaps need to take some time for deep introspection to find out. Because I am not interested in getting on the emotional carousel, I am interested in stability and consistency. It is hurtful to be told someone doesn't want to be with you one day, yet the next day they suddenly do - it's actually kind of traumatising, cause you never know if you can trust what they say, or not. Or whether they will change their mind again tomorrow. So, this is where self worth and self respect comes in IMHO, where you draw some very clear lines and say, "stop". Take yourself out of this addictive dance and step back and heal yourself. If she truly wants to make this work, she will understand and perhaps choose to do the same, take time for herself to do some introspection as well. But you really have to learn to recognise and honour when your needs are not met, be honest with that, and take according measures to protect your emotional and psychological well-being. I completely agree....I actually had a similar situation where B tried to break up with me 3 months into seeing each other. This is what I wrote in my journal...he said “you are 3 steps ahead of me in some things”. Turns out, he knew early on that I am not the “one” but that he felt he could show me love and help with my self confidence. I thanked him for his honesty. Ever since that confession, he has been really affectionate and snuggly. At one point he said he wanted me to meet his parents and son so that things would not be awkward.....but how in the world would they “not” be awkward if this is not going to be forever. Looking back, I should have walked away....I should have paid more attention to the fact that he knew I was not the one....that he viewed me as moving faster and wanting something more serious. But I wanted that side he showed me and I thought that somehow his mind had changed....instead it became 7 more months of him having doubts and me trying to keep things progressing....even while I was fighting a tidal wave of jealousy and depression. It just was not worth it in the end.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 28, 2020 1:36:04 GMT
I can't keep track anymore. Was there a reason you thought she was DA not FA?
Anyway, it's not particularly important. What's important is that she is too emotionally unstable for a long-term relationship. You need to decide if you are as well. You can say and post here whatever you want, but take a look at your actual actions. Do they match up? Like attracts like, in regards to levels of emotional unavailability between partners tend to match each other. Which is why the advice on this forum is often to look back at yourself when there's a lot of focus on the partner. The relationship is usually a reflection of what you need and how you think of yourself, consciously or not. I only stopped majority attracting emotionally unavailable partners (ie with insecure attachment) once I figured out why I found instability attractive and worked on myself to change that. But it was always a reflection on my not being as open or emotionally available as I thought romantically. I had no idea... I thought I was available until I'd get almost exclusively into situations like the one you're describing.
Do you ever go back and read your older posts? Take a look back at your first posts in this thread almost a year ago. Has anything changed? Are you happy enough with how this relationship has moved forward in the last year? It's okay if you actually are on some level, and perhaps you're not in enough pain to feel compelled to change the dynamic. That's totally normal and human. But to get anywhere, you need to be aware and honest with yourself. Otherwise you stay disconnected from your needs and stuck not knowing how to manage or communicate them sufficiently.
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Post by toorational on Apr 28, 2020 17:28:32 GMT
Thanks everyone. The message is very clear. I'm probably like a drug addict. I'm not addicted to the dance per se, but rather, to the highs. Like a drug addict, I probably need to hit rock bottom to snap out of it. That's one way to look at it anyway. But the highs feel SOOOOO good. I probably must accept that with a more stable partner, highs wouldn't be as high, but then again, the lows also wouldn't be as low. It's extremely hard to let go of the highs. I think that I'm clinging to hope. Hope that things will change. Hope that she'll realize that we are both insecure and we need help if we ever want a fulfilling long-lasting relationship, with anyone. I wish she would join me on the healing journey. That's my hope. kranichangel, what you wrote really struck a cord. You're right, if I want to "earn secure", I need to establish clear boundaries and not accept to be treated like a puppet. That would either mean break-up with her right away or draw a clear line of what I'm not willing to accept anymore, and break-up with her if she crosses these boundaries. That's kinda what I had tried to do when I had written her a very open letter a month ago. Letting her know in very clear terms what was hurtful to me. Letting her know where my boundaries were. But she violated those boundaries, and yet, I clinged on. In fact, her own boundaries got moved as well. It is now "don't ever let me know that I disappointed you in the way I show my love, or else, I'm out". In other words, you need to believe that I do love you, even if I don't say or display it, and never question it. That's just f*ed up. That's an unreasonable request. alexandra, yes sometimes I do read older posts. Yes things did change over a year ago, we talk much more openly about our difficulties for one thing. But what has not changed is that despite our best efforts, we do still engage in the push-pull dynamic. Perhaps she's FA, I'm not sure how I could figure out whether she's FA or DA, but as you say, it doesn't really matter. She's insecure in love. tnr9, thanks for sharing your story. It's a bit different with my gf. She never told me that she knew I was not the one. In fact, she told me a few months ago that if I had asked her to marry me, she would have said yes. She did admit to having doubts though. But know she says she has no doubts anymore. I know that she's not lying and that's what she feels right now, but I don't believe that it will last. But yes, even if not exactly the same, our stories are similar. Thanks everyone. I'm clinging to that hope for now but I'm gonna try to keep a protective shell around myself and not get my hopes up and not open up my heart too much. The next low might very well be our last.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 28, 2020 17:38:10 GMT
But the highs feel SOOOOO good. I probably must accept that with a more stable partner, highs wouldn't be as high, but then again, the lows also wouldn't be as low. It's extremely hard to let go of the highs. I've seen this assumption over and over among insecurely attached styled people, that secure relationships mean smoother relationships (which then get interpreted as boring and flatter). I assure you, though, this fear is unfounded. I've been dating as an earned secure, and the difference is simply things don't necessarily start off with all the highest sparks the first couple months during the honeymoon period, but it does evolve to happen. I'm not missing the crazy highs that were never worth it, because there's something else -- a happy feeling of attachment out of safety and trust that feels entirely additive to your life, not addictive and keeping you in fear of the next lows. It's not that the "high" isn't high, but it's different, slower at first, and far more sustainable. It did first take me healing my own issues to have a greater appreciation for this, though. But letting go of the concept of the high highs doesn't have to be scary if you believe there are other perspectives in life and ways to experience your connections. Stay curious over fearful.
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Post by kranichangel on Apr 28, 2020 18:24:09 GMT
I really really sympathise with you, and I know from own experience, how painful and hard it can be to figure this out - I really do. It is a journey, a process. Just know, you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and patient. If you want, I warmly recommend Thais Gibson´s YouTube channel. I really love her way of talking, and her voice is very soothing as well. Her videos helped me understand my own core wounds much better, and also my own protest behaviours, fears, patterns etc. I truly wish you well - we are here if you need to talk. Thanks everyone. The message is very clear. I'm probably like a drug addict. I'm not addicted to the dance per se, but rather, to the highs. Like a drug addict, I probably need to hit rock bottom to snap out of it. That's one way to look at it anyway. But the highs feel SOOOOO good. I probably must accept that with a more stable partner, highs wouldn't be as high, but then again, the lows also wouldn't be as low. It's extremely hard to let go of the highs. I think that I'm clinging to hope. Hope that things will change. Hope that she'll realize that we are both insecure and we need help if we ever want a fulfilling long-lasting relationship, with anyone. I wish she would join me on the healing journey. That's my hope. kranichangel , what you wrote really struck a cord. You're right, if I want to "earn secure", I need to establish clear boundaries and not accept to be treated like a puppet. That would either mean break-up with her right away or draw a clear line of what I'm not willing to accept anymore, and break-up with her if she crosses these boundaries. That's kinda what I had tried to do when I had written her a very open letter a month ago. Letting her know in very clear terms what was hurtful to me. Letting her know where my boundaries were. But she violated those boundaries, and yet, I clinged on. In fact, her own boundaries got moved as well. It is now "don't ever let me know that I disappointed you in the way I show my love, or else, I'm out". In other words, you need to believe that I do love you, even if I don't say or display it, and never question it. That's just f*ed up. That's an unreasonable request. alexandra , yes sometimes I do read older posts. Yes things did change over a year ago, we talk much more openly about our difficulties for one thing. But what has not changed is that despite our best efforts, we do still engage in the push-pull dynamic. Perhaps she's FA, I'm not sure how I could figure out whether she's FA or DA, but as you say, it doesn't really matter. She's insecure in love. tnr9 , thanks for sharing your story. It's a bit different with my gf. She never told me that she knew I was not the one. In fact, she told me a few months ago that if I had asked her to marry me, she would have said yes. She did admit to having doubts though. But know she says she has no doubts anymore. I know that she's not lying and that's what she feels right now, but I don't believe that it will last. But yes, even if not exactly the same, our stories are similar. Thanks everyone. I'm clinging to that hope for now but I'm gonna try to keep a protective shell around myself and not get my hopes up and not open up my heart too much. The next low might very well be our last.
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Post by serenity on Apr 28, 2020 22:29:33 GMT
A pattern seams to repeat. The lower her love gets, the higher the rebound is after we have a "wake up" talk and I confront her about her non-loving behavior. This time her love was really low, I mean dumping me for admitting to being hurt by her lack of affection on my birthday, really? Really? I'm SO confused by all of this. I have almost no hope that this rebound will last. I think that I will protect my heart and just expect the worse, but hope for the best as they say. Right now I'm getting exactly what I wanted in this relationship. I have a girlfriend that is showing affection. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts but be very realistic about the future. I did tell her that I needed time. My heart has been on a roller-coaster lately and I need time to heal. I truly don't know if I'll be able to open my heart up to her anymore going forward. Right now I feel a strong need to protect myself from the downturn which I fear will come. I just hope that I'm wrong and that something will have truly changed in her. Hi Toorational, Thanks for the update, and I'm sorry for the confusing rollercoaster you've been on for so long. I feel what you've done recently is you asserted a very fair boundary (about your birthday), she said "no" to what you requested, and dumped you. Then you took her back without further discussion about what you needed. You've lost some ground here, and things will likely return to the old status quo. I really feel for you because being "punished" for asserting healthy boundaries is a real problem in relationships like this. You have the ability to assert them, but she's demonstrated that you will face the grief of a potential relationship breakup when you do. And Avoidants get the upper hand because they easily lose feelings of love and connection, and breakups can feel freeing to them at first. But asking her to act a bit more thoughtful and caring on your Birthday is an extremely fair thing to ask. In my own experiences, you don't get anywhere by continuing to put up with things that hurt you. The relationship just becomes increasingly based on addictive intermittent reinforcement, your anxiety increases, and the rejection and negative reinforcement takes it toll. And you will get dumped anyway (sometimes in cycles), because intimacy and conflict resolution are an unavoidable part of relationships, which triggers avoidants. I honestly feel your best way forward now is to give yourself a bit of distance, and attempt to revisit the issue of your birthday, rather than sweep it under the rug. You really do need and deserve to feel cared about, so fight for it. If she says no, then accept that she doesn't respect your needs, and maybe its out of habit, knowing she can threaten and seduce you out of having them met. But she might change her mind when she faces that she lost you because of it. Anway just my thoughts. Please take care!
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Post by toorational on Apr 29, 2020 12:53:31 GMT
I don't have much to add but I just wanted to sincerely thank all of you for all the support you have given me over the last year. I can't believe that this thread is already 16 pages long! So much good advice in there (sorry if I don't heed it all the time)! It kinda feels weird to have so much of my personal life and thoughts wide open like that on the internet, but in return, I get good advice and hopefully this can help others as well. So it's a fair trade.
Thanks for pointing out Thais Gibson, I've watched a few of her videos already and she's indeed pretty good.
Thank you all for your patience with me.
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Post by toorational on Jun 1, 2020 1:24:17 GMT
Hello again. There's something I just realized that I wanted to share. It seems that the more you need support from your avoidant partner because of a rough patch in your life, the more likely it is that they're gonna grow distant and bail out. In other words, you can't count on them for support when you need them most.
It has become pretty clear to me when I recently had a very rough patch again with my son (he was so depressed after a few days with his mother that he said that he hates his life and can't wait to die). Recently I haven't shared much about the issues with my son with my girlfriend because she's told me that it can get "too much" for her to deal with. But that night I couldn't hide it and had to share some of it. She was very supportive but somehow the topic of my hesitancy of sharing too much with her came up. I can't quite recall how the conversation went, but she made it clear again that there's only so much support that she can give, and at some point she needs a break (because she gives so much support to everyone she says, and it can get overwhelming).
So basically, if I have slight struggles in my life then I can share it with her for support, but if it's something ongoing which requires a lot of her support, the she won't be able to provide that kind of support. She even said something along the line of "if you can't accept that, then we might need to reconsider". Never clarifying what she really meant but my anxious decoder read this as "we need to reconsider this whole relationship".
That really got me thinking again. Can I really live my life with this woman, knowing full well that if shit hits the fan, she might very well bail on me because it would be too much for her to handle? The main ongoing issue is that I feel like her love for me hangs by a thread. Of course dumping me for something very petty doesn't help things. When she makes masked threats such as "we might need to reconsider" it shows me yet again how her love for me is very conditional on me accepting her terms, with seemingly no openness for my needs.
When we got back together, I did tell her that I needed time for my heart to heal. She has been acting like nothing has happened and I've been trying to just live in the moment and enjoy our time together (which I did). But my doubts about her love for me keeps growing. Everytime she says ILY, I can't help but think something like "Yeah, you say that now because you're happy in the moment, but you don't really mean it. You don't actually know what true selfless love is."
To me a strong confidence in the love for one another is an essential foundation for a healthy relationship. It really pains me to write this but I don't know how I can ever get back enough confidence for a longterm relationship with this woman. It's really about her behavior and personality. Secures can apparently live healthy relationships with an avoidant, but I honestly don't see how even if I "earned secure", I would be able to deal with her fragile love for me.
For the past 5 weeks, I've been trying to enjoy the good moments we have together because most of the time it's magical. We're back on the peak of the roller coaster ride. But I'm super realistic that this good time will eventually come to an end and I really fear for the outcome. I don't even bother with "couple talk" anymore, I've kinda lost hope to be honest. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment while it lasts.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 2:46:02 GMT
Hello again. There's something I just realized that I wanted to share. It seems that the more you need support from your avoidant partner because of a rough patch in your life, the more likely it is that they're gonna grow distant and bail out. In other words, you can't count on them for support when you need them most. It has become pretty clear to me when I recently had a very rough patch again with my son (he was so depressed after a few days with his mother that he said that he hates his life and can't wait to die). Recently I haven't shared much about the issues with my son with my girlfriend because she's told me that it can get "too much" for her to deal with. But that night I couldn't hide it and had to share some of it. She was very supportive but somehow the topic of my hesitancy of sharing too much with her came up. I can't quite recall how the conversation went, but she made it clear again that there's only so much support that she can give, and at some point she needs a break (because she gives so much support to everyone she says, and it can get overwhelming). So basically, if I have slight struggles in my life then I can share it with her for support, but if it's something ongoing which requires a lot of her support, the she won't be able to provide that kind of support. She even said something along the line of "if you can't accept that, then we might need to reconsider". Never clarifying what she really meant but my anxious decoder read this as "we need to reconsider this whole relationship". That really got me thinking again. Can I really live my life with this woman, knowing full well that if shit hits the fan, she might very well bail on me because it would be too much for her to handle? The main ongoing issue is that I feel like her love for me hangs by a thread. Of course dumping me for something very petty doesn't help things. When she makes masked threats such as "we might need to reconsider" it shows me yet again how her love for me is very conditional on me accepting her terms, with seemingly no openness for my needs. When we got back together, I did tell her that I needed time for my heart to heal. She has been acting like nothing has happened and I've been trying to just live in the moment and enjoy our time together (which I did). But my doubts about her love for me keeps growing. Everytime she says ILY, I can't help but think something like "Yeah, you say that now because you're happy in the moment, but you don't really mean it. You don't actually know what true selfless love is." To me a strong confidence in the love for one another is an essential foundation for a healthy relationship. It really pains me to write this but I don't know how I can ever get back enough confidence for a longterm relationship with this woman. It's really about her behavior and personality. Secures can apparently live healthy relationships with an avoidant, but I honestly don't see how even if I "earned secure", I would be able to deal with her fragile love for me. For the past 5 weeks, I've been trying to enjoy the good moments we have together because most of the time it's magical. We're back on the peak of the roller coaster ride. But I'm super realistic that this good time will eventually come to an end and I really fear for the outcome. I don't even bother with "couple talk" anymore, I've kinda lost hope to be honest. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment while it lasts. Thanks for listening and letting me vent. It is good that you see things for what they are...that she has a limitation that is incompatible with your need for support. It is really important that you see this as something about her and not something about you. My mom is an introvert and she gets drained/irritated if I keep her on the phone too long (I am highly extroverted). I used to think that her comments were about me...that she had a limited battery for talking because of me....but once I realized this is her limitation...it has really helped me to not take it personally. I try to keep our phone calls short now.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2020 2:48:11 GMT
I seriously dated a DA for a while a long time ago. He wasn't too bad about deactivating, and so we were pretty stable but ultimately still not very compatible overall. I also didn't go through anything that I needed really massive support with at that time except he told me he'd break up with me if I didn't quit my draining job. So, not great or supportive, but I did need to make some career changes so I didn't hold it against him. (Wouldn't be okay being told I had to make a decision like that now, though.)
Anyway, we broke up amicably. Things just mutually weren't moving forward after a year and a half.
He dated his next gf for a long time. They broke up because she had a death of a sick close loved one, and he apparently was no where to be found throughout that process. She lost it at him, really tore him a new one, about his inability to ever be there for her when she needed it, ended things with him. He shut down and ran away and started making sure he returned everything he had in his possession that belonged to anyone else (I think she made a big deal about them trading back possessions during her emotional explosion?). It was really weird, he came by unexpectedly with something I didn't need returned from a couple years earlier, seemed very scared and left quickly. I didn't know any of this had happened but found out later. But, for him, it was apparently within the normal DA pattern that it's how he handled relationship support and conflict, and that didn't change even years later.
It's okay to want support from a partner, as long as you don't expect codependent emotional regulation from them. It's the good boundary balance between independency and interdependency, and it's not a matter of you'd be more accepting if you earned secure. You should be able to trust each other. If you legitimately don't feel you can, it's a real core issue and it's okay to decide things may not be working as a result.
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Post by toorational on Jun 1, 2020 12:57:46 GMT
Thanks tnr9 and alexandra. The issue is not necessarily the lack of support, but rather, the deactivation effect it has on her. As I had mentioned before, it really seems that any sign of "weakness" on my part turns her off. So I either have to do like old fashioned males and repress my emotions, keep everything inside and not show any weakness, or I risk turning her off. I'm not comfortable with this situation, because, in my view of a relationship (others can have other views), partners should support one another in times of need. Not go searching for another mate that is not currently struggling at the moment. That seems like a primitive reaction that should be controlled by our evolved brain.
This attitude of hers certainly stems from her childhood. She had to fight for herself to overcome all the bullying she suffered. She couldn't really count on others. Even if I understand where this comes from, it's still incompatible with my view of a relationship. Sure, we can thrive alone, but we're stronger in this world if we know we can count on each other.
alexandra, I understand your warning about the risk of codependency, thanks. I can't be fully certain but I'm pretty sure that what I'm looking for is interdependency, which would be the middle ground between independence and codependency. That's my understanding anyway. I don't think that I'm looking for emotional regulation, I'm just hoping that I can share my issues without the risk of hurting the relationship. It's quickly becoming a deal breaker for me.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 13:15:33 GMT
Thanks tnr9 and alexandra. The issue is not necessarily the lack of support, but rather, the deactivation effect it has on her. As I had mentioned before, it really seems that any sign of "weakness" on my part turns her off. So I either have to do like old fashioned males and repress my emotions, keep everything inside and not show any weakness, or I risk turning her off. I'm not comfortable with this situation, because, in my view of a relationship (others can have other views), partners should support one another in times of need. Not go searching for another mate that is not currently struggling at the moment. That seems like a primitive reaction that should be controlled by our evolved brain. This attitude of hers certainly stems from her childhood. She had to fight for herself to overcome all the bullying she suffered. She couldn't really count on others. Even if I understand where this comes from, it's still incompatible with my view of a relationship. Sure, we can thrive alone, but we're stronger in this world if we know we can count on each other. alexandra, I understand your warning about the risk of codependency, thanks. I can't be fully certain but I'm pretty sure that what I'm looking for is interdependency, which would be the middle ground between independence and codependency. That's my understanding anyway. I don't think that I'm looking for emotional regulation, I'm just hoping that I can share my issues without the risk of hurting the relationship. It's quickly becoming a deal breaker for me. I would encourage you to change the wording from weakness to vulnerability and look up ted talks by Brene Brown....but I get where you are coming from and it sounds like what she needs and what you need are different. I think at this point the question that you need to ask yourself is....is the momentary excitement/fun outweighing your concerns. Are you simply choosing short term pleasure over long term satisfaction.
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