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Post by alexandra on Sept 20, 2021 17:02:53 GMT
krolle, FWIW, I never had big T trauma, as I've said. Only a thousand dysfunctional little cuts rippling down from personality disordered individuals. But looking across my romantic life landscape and perspectives at the time, I was emotionally really effed up in a way (which I now know was a textbook AP way) for 20 years. I was good professionally, had healthy friendships, but my entire approach to romantic connection, and therefore myself, was completely unhealthy, misguided, and painful. And it's more and more apparent as I get older and am in a healthy romantic relationship, especially when past anecdotes come up about the dysfunctional partners and situations I kept. But it's not shameful, it's just sort of wild and unfortunate, and I'm glad I finally had enough to be ready to make my way out of... even though it required stripping myself down and completely rebuilding something new in certain aspects of (emotional) life. But that also required an enormous amount of openness to something different, even without knowing what it would be.
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Post by annieb on Sept 20, 2021 17:04:26 GMT
Anne - you’re right that only psychiatrists (and other MDs) diagnose, but I believe it was a social worker I had seen who even suggested to see a neurologist, who then suggested I see a family doctor, who then referred me to a psychiatrist specializing in ADHD and addiction. I think a therapist may have a better sense of seeing the big picture to at least start somewhere.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 20, 2021 17:19:52 GMT
krolle - when I read some of your writing, and detailing of shame you feel and lack of trust in therapy, denying yourself treatment, the discomfort of being selfish etc. It really resonates to me as a trauma response. I may have mentioned that my big T did not come up until I was 34 and in therapy. I had suppressed a memory of molestation, so it was obviously significant enough for my brain to suppress. Thinking about it, I guess it could have be worse since I was molested by a family member and not a stranger 😅. But you know what I mean. If you have trauma response, like it looks like you do, it’s really hard to wrap my head around the fact you didn’t have any trauma growing up. It almost looks like an anomaly. Obviously not an expert, but from my own experience and everyone else who has shared and what I’ve observed over the years. And if you were neurodivergent, it would probably make it harder to process trauma and not easier. A diagnosis could possibly give you the tools that are available such as medication and techniques to cope. Do you have health insurance? You could start by looking up psychologists or therapists, or social workers in your network and see if you can make an appointment. Every time you will set something up, you will be tending to self care and that will start changing you. Change is scary even if it is a good change. If there is an AA or CoDA meeting available in your area. I pop into CoDA meetings every once in a while and they are most helpful. Insofar that you know you’re not alone and that you’re most likely extremely hard on yourself. A group meeting will take some of that burden off you. But again - are you ready for that change? Are you ready to have lack of anxiety and warm silence in your brain. Peace and quiet. Self love. Can you handle it? 😂 Best of luck to you! My big T moment I was surprised and had to be told by my mom….it was the custody battle and the fact that my dad had won the custody battle but did not want me. I remember a lot about that…but not the outcome. Ohhh…and being told I was “this close” to normal by my psychiatrist dad. |
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Post by krolle on Sept 24, 2021 3:18:29 GMT
krolle - when I read some of your writing, and detailing of shame you feel and lack of trust in therapy, denying yourself treatment, the discomfort of being selfish etc. It really resonates to me as a trauma response. I may have mentioned that my big T did not come up until I was 34 and in therapy. I had suppressed a memory of molestation, so it was obviously significant enough for my brain to suppress. Thinking about it, I guess it could have be worse since I was molested by a family member and not a stranger 😅. But you know what I mean. If you have trauma response, like it looks like you do, it’s really hard to wrap my head around the fact you didn’t have any trauma growing up. It almost looks like an anomaly. Obviously not an expert, but from my own experience and everyone else who has shared and what I’ve observed over the years. And if you were neurodivergent, it would probably make it harder to process trauma and not easier. A diagnosis could possibly give you the tools that are available such as medication and techniques to cope. Do you have health insurance? You could start by looking up psychologists or therapists, or social workers in your network and see if you can make an appointment. Every time you will set something up, you will be tending to self care and that will start changing you. Change is scary even if it is a good change. If there is an AA or CoDA meeting available in your area. I pop into CoDA meetings every once in a while and they are most helpful. Insofar that you know you’re not alone and that you’re most likely extremely hard on yourself. A group meeting will take some of that burden off you. But again - are you ready for that change? Are you ready to have lack of anxiety and warm silence in your brain. Peace and quiet. Self love. Can you handle it? 😂 Best of luck to you! I can't say I didn't have trauma growing up or even as an adult. But doesn't everybody? I'm under the assumption trauma is just a part of life. But I don't remember any big T trauma. And If I don't remember it how would I know if something happened? If it's too sensative to talk about then of course I don't expect you to. but I am interested in knowing how you discovered your trauma if you could not remember it until later in life. But I do know something is 'wrong'. it's one of the reasons I started this thread. I just can't understand why I'm failing so badly at all the important areas of life. I'v been told I'm intelligent. I wasn't really impoverished or as mentioned recall any big T trauma. My parents, their parents, my Aunts and uncles on both sides...all still married, all quiet successful in their careers. Good housing, good financially. No major physical health problems in the family. ....And then there's me. The black sheep. Just a lonely depressed disaster. Quick to make friends and meet women, But not really fitting in anywhere or connecting genuinely to anyone. No property, no kids, no savings. Cynical, exhausted. I just don't know how to explain the cause and effect other than Neuro divergence. Unless as you said, something very traumatic happened to me that I don't remember. Or as per alexandra experience just a thousand small psychological traumas that eroded my ability to cope. I'm not sure at this point. But I do know I'm struggling lately. I will say for certain my recent tumultuous relationship with my ex with BPD was enormously traumatic and has changed in me quiet destructive ways. But I had problems before that. Also now you mention it, I really can't understand why I refuse get help. Why I can't trust anyone so badly as to be scared to trust health care professionals. councillors, therapists, you guys....basically nobody. it baffles me. But it's like I still can't bring myself to do it. Like a mental block thst literally stops my hand from physically picking up the phone and calling my doctor. Fu*king weird. |
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Post by krolle on Sept 24, 2021 3:22:15 GMT
krolle - when I read some of your writing, and detailing of shame you feel and lack of trust in therapy, denying yourself treatment, the discomfort of being selfish etc. It really resonates to me as a trauma response. I may have mentioned that my big T did not come up until I was 34 and in therapy. I had suppressed a memory of molestation, so it was obviously significant enough for my brain to suppress. Thinking about it, I guess it could have be worse since I was molested by a family member and not a stranger 😅. But you know what I mean. If you have trauma response, like it looks like you do, it’s really hard to wrap my head around the fact you didn’t have any trauma growing up. It almost looks like an anomaly. Obviously not an expert, but from my own experience and everyone else who has shared and what I’ve observed over the years. And if you were neurodivergent, it would probably make it harder to process trauma and not easier. A diagnosis could possibly give you the tools that are available such as medication and techniques to cope. Do you have health insurance? You could start by looking up psychologists or therapists, or social workers in your network and see if you can make an appointment. Every time you will set something up, you will be tending to self care and that will start changing you. Change is scary even if it is a good change. If there is an AA or CoDA meeting available in your area. I pop into CoDA meetings every once in a while and they are most helpful. Insofar that you know you’re not alone and that you’re most likely extremely hard on yourself. A group meeting will take some of that burden off you. But again - are you ready for that change? Are you ready to have lack of anxiety and warm silence in your brain. Peace and quiet. Self love. Can you handle it? 😂 Best of luck to you! My big T moment I was surprised and had to be told by my mom….it was the custody battle and the fact that my dad had won the custody battle but did not want me. I remember a lot about that…but not the outcome. Ohhh…and being told I was “this close” to normal by my psychiatrist dad. Being told you are not wanted by a parent is very difficult to hear. I'm really sorry that happened to you tnr9. much of your dysfunctional attachment is understandable. |
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Post by krolle on Sept 24, 2021 3:41:53 GMT
Also regarding whether I actually have ADHD or just symptoms I'm not sure. But I'm quiet convinced Dopamine is the significantly off kilter neurotransmitter.
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 4:40:22 GMT
krolle now that you mention it, I don’t quite remember now what exactly precipitated me remembering the molestation, since it’s been a few years since those sessions, but it was around the time I had found myself single after a longer relationship, and the topic of sex and shame and body dysmorphia came up in therapy. Childhood molestation has a great potential to influence one’s sexuality and perhaps the therapist was connecting the dots for me and guided me to where that memory was able to re-surface. But it’s not like I didn’t remember it at all. I knew it had happened I just didn’t realize it was trauma, and that I was a victim. And that it was “molestation”. I remembered the event, but in a different way. As in I remembered it, but in that moment I was an adult. When this happened I was six years old and in essence it ended my childhood. In order for me to survive it I had to take “responsibility” for it. So it was missing from my childhood memory fabric, but I knew it had happened. I don’t even know what the proper term for it is. Or my brain rather had to make a scenario that I “wanted” it, or welcomed it. Which I didn’t at all, up until that point my sex organs were completely uninteresting to me. So from that point forward my sex and my sexuality was heavily tied in internalized shame, internalized misogyny, etc, denial of my sexuality, you name it etc. I was molested by my older sister, whom I adored and will always adore, and who essentially raised me later. So there is that whole thing. I suspect our father molested her, because there is no way she would know what sex organs are or what they feel like, because I sure didn’t know before this event. I’ve never talked to her about this. I soon lost my abusive father at 11, and that started a whole other “daddy issue” thread for me on top of it. I started dating young, and stayed in relationships for years to also avoid being “promiscuous”, but in essence I avoided sex this way altogether as a couple of my early relationships each lasting 4 years quickly became sexless. Although the sex that I did have, I made sure it was “great” and that I was “great”. But I never trusted men so it was not great for me 😂 Although in the moment it was great everything else was not. I’ve also spent years in abstinence to cope with this. The last two years that I’ve been in therapy I haven’t had much sex either, but I feel better and healthier about it regardless. My body issues have also gone away and my weight has been stable for a good year now (within 5 lbs) and I’m happily fit. In the past I would over and under eat and under or over exercise as a general rule and in a disorganized fashion. I would overeat and then go on crash diets and over the years I’ve probably lost and gained 20-30 lbs 7 times.
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 4:54:12 GMT
I believe the therapist had introduced a guided meditation at this point in this point in therapy, so perhaps it was at this point I started to bond with her that I was able to let that memory surface as a childhood memory and not and adult event, in a way. I remember being aware of this event when I was 8,9,10,11 years old, but around my fathers death is when I was almost 12 I was no longer aware of it. And around puberty, I no longer recalled it.
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 5:19:23 GMT
And thinking further, around 14 is when I stopped dancing and at 15 I had my second big T - teenage pregnancy and an abortion and within a year or so is when I first started experiencing what I now know as ADHD, or neurodivergence, which I didn’t treat until my 30s.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 24, 2021 7:48:47 GMT
krolle annieb @shiningstar Have you guys tried cross crawl exercises for better concentration ?
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 12:36:44 GMT
krolle annieb @shiningstar amber Have you guys tried cross crawl exercises for better concentration ? Surprised I’ve never come across this, but I’ve done a lot of bicycle crunches when doing yoga. I’ll do some more and see what comes of it. Will report back. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 24, 2021 13:09:04 GMT
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Post by annieb on Sept 24, 2021 14:19:55 GMT
Ooh, yes, the full body climber at the gym is probably the best machine there. I never felt better after using any other gym equipment.
Just did 108 squats holding my earlobes 😂
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Post by alexandra on Sept 24, 2021 18:02:34 GMT
I have been told that climbing is supposed to be a good sport. Climbing is great. It gives similar benefits to yoga in that you need to connect with your body and are too focused on what you're doing and how to solve the climbing problems to think about much else, so it helps you practice being present. It's not the friendliest sport as you get older, though, since it can get pretty intense on your joints and tendons etc :/ |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Oct 10, 2021 15:38:59 GMT
But I do know something is 'wrong'. it's one of the reasons I started this thread. I just can't understand why I'm failing so badly at all the important areas of life. I'v been told I'm intelligent. I wasn't really impoverished or as mentioned recall any big T trauma. My parents, their parents, my Aunts and uncles on both sides...all still married, all quiet successful in their careers. Good housing, good financially. No major physical health problems in the family. ....And then there's me. The black sheep. Just a lonely depressed disaster. Quick to make friends and meet women, But not really fitting in anywhere or connecting genuinely to anyone. No property, no kids, no savings. Cynical, exhausted. , I just discovered the term Twice Exeptional (or 2e). It is used for those who are both gifted (for instance high IQ) and have ADHD. They compensate with their giftedness/intelligence, and this is the reason why many of them do not get the ADHD diagnose until they are adults. www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/creative-synthesis/201802/tips-gifted-adults-adhd |
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