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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2022 20:09:11 GMT
So sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread krolle ! Again, I can really see how that video could be helpful to you, and I hope you're doing well (relative, it's all relative with this !) I wouldn't consider it hijacking if your input is invited ☺ I second what cherrycola said. I personally really value your presence here. The posts you make occasionally where you talk about yourself vulnerably are really endearing. Remember I have an avoidant side too. We shared good dialog a while back relating to how we felt under siege as avoidants. So I empathize. I'm just triggered anxious lately. So if that video is to be believed I'v lost half my sense of reasoning lol. Maybe just be aware that anxious people who project here are often in a lot of pain. The people they love most in the world have usually discarded them and refuse to talk or sometimes even want to aknowledge they exist, for reasons they don't understand. It's not personal. In those initial days we are acting with the emotional maturity of a child. Maybe try to think about using the "attacks" of the more agitated members here as a kind of training. Exposure to a stressor. like excercise. I imagine being able to sit with other peoples emotions, especially strong or critical ones without taking it personal, or becoming defensive is a step toward more security for somebody with avoidant tendancies. I really liked how she validated what happened for you, one half of your reasoning going offline, leaving you confounded! It makes such perfect sense, and even down to the wondering if you're pathological or abusive. You lose your compass absolutely, so how can you know which way is right. I get it. I really feel sympathetic towards you. I appreciate your kind words. I think the sharing of my vulnerable inner parts makes the triggered (or innate, I don't know) words of the unhealthy anxious more offensive to me, actually. Like, I'm being vulnerable with people who engage in a way I find inappropriate. Is that so good? I get that it's an anonymous forum but it is uncomfortable being vulnerable and then being put in the bad guy role. It isn't my jam. Like, the definition of insanity being trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response. And how many approaches do I need to try with a triggered anxious person? Maybe it's just not my strength or my role.  So- I'm not sure it's healthy for me to continue to engage with unaware anxious, as I find it completely inappropriate for them to remove words from my mouth and replace them with their own. Again, I get that things can be lost in translation but there is a lot of toxicity in the anxious approach that they seem to justify in themselves- and then label others as gaslighting and emotionally abusive and unkind. The projection and hypocrisy of someone being overtly controlling of their partner, then coming here to call the partner cruel because they have had enough, well again it's like death by a thousand papercuts of what's become exasperating same old same old- So, yes I'm becoming intolerant. Of the hypocrisy. It's true. The thing is there is very little balance on the board because there aren't DA's here and I don't think most AP's who come stay and get healthy. They disappear. But what to do with it all? Become more tolerant and continue to engage, or leave it alone? Does becoming a better person mean I find a way to engage with it, or let it be and turn my attention toward other more fruitful conversations? I think the latter, as I want to take good care of me and the AP/avoidant trap is one I have left, for good. So I'm just coming to more awareness about what I want and don't want, what I enjoy and what I don't. After all, it's a forum on the net, and I seriously doubt that any person I have triggered has been able to benefit from what a I've said. It's just as well to let them continue their pattern and process without interference from me, there isn't a need or value in continuing to engage, that I can see. Especially if it takes away from why I am here, which is to grow, not try to deliver mail to a locked mailbox. As far as being able to sit with another person, And their stuff, and my stuff, I just posted in the DA self help forum about moving forward in that direction, becoming sand. So I count the progress where it counts the most- in my personal, in real life relationships. They are far less dysfunctional than here lol, and that's a good thing! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2022 4:13:36 GMT
A couple more thoughts on engaging with the AP's who come here, seeing not to understand and change themselves so much as to analyze, change, and blame their avoidant partners. There are exceptions and I understand that unaware AP are simply that- Unaware. But the overwhelming advice on this board is to leave an unaware avoidant to themselves, that if they are not seeking awareness and change that it is futile to try to introduce them to it. Doesn't it go both ways? From what I see, all the time we are doing what we advise against- trying to help someone see the error of their own ways. But that's not what they are here for, the majority of them. And what happens? They might get hostile, they might go into self-flagellation, they almost without exception continue to focus on their ex, and ruminate. And then they go away. Who knows what happens then, nobody can guess. I've seen some go for long periods of time continuing to blame their ex, or at least ruminate. The focus stays on the ex for a majority of anxious posters, it seems to me.
Now, I understand why. The video helped me understand that. If an avoidant doesn't begin to question themselves, and actively seek change in themselves, they won't change and improve. The exact same is true of an AP. And not many that I've seen actually come here to address their own attachment style. So, my thought it, take the advice I give, and not engage with that to the extent that I have. There are lots of people here with the ability to speak to that better than I can, and it's better received. . As with the avoidant- I can let them figure out their need for change because introducing them to it isn't likely to have an impact other than to trigger them.. Unaware insecures of any time buck and charge and bolt at the notion that there is something about them that is truly problematic.
In the meantime, my energy is better focused on working through my own things and not trying to explain things to someone who doesn't really want to understand that they need fixing themselves. Because I'm the aVoIdAnT, the representation of the cause of their angst. Not all receive me that way, but it's pretty gross when they do. It's been a while since we had someone truly hateful on the boards but when it happens it's pretty gross.
Anyway, I still find a lot of reward in sharing with folks here truly interested in self improvement, for sure. But I need to shift away from thinking that I can be helpful to anyone not diagnosing and asking for help about THEMSELVES. (Well, they tend to diagnose themselves as secure, or used-to-be-anxious. ) It's a pretty steady stream, naturally, on a site like this. But I can see how DA wouldn't care to continue, honestly.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2022 4:31:49 GMT
Correction: there has been a hostile poster recently, but no one engaged which I think is the most effective way of addressing it probably - the most hostile in a series of critical posts was removed by the mod.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 3, 2022 6:52:38 GMT
I think one thing the video misses is the feeling of being a crazy person when you do start bringing your logic back while triggered anxious and your feelings are dominating. So you KNOW the feelings are insane and not in line with reality and all you want to do is relieve them but you realize your old ways of doing this are destructive. I am still working on emotional regulation, and despite my counsellor saying she feels my regulation skills are high I just can't pull myself out during some episodes. Some days I really miss being unaware.
I got my official ADHD diagnosis a few weeks ago, so I actually have all of the things in the subject, lovely!
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Feb 3, 2022 12:56:39 GMT
I really liked the video krolle, thanks for sharing. I had to watch it twice as I usually miss some info due to my ADHD and my limited English resources when it comes to more complicated speechs. But I love how precise and extense the video is. It helps us on this difficult trip which is to better understand ourselves and trying to figure out who we really are, at least for me I feel it this way.
It is what I miss from Thais content, even though her videos are fantastic anyway. I guess her paid content will be more complete and extense, in the end she is making a living off it and has the legitimate right to do so. Thinking of joining their paid content when I've finally overcome my outstanding procrastination capabilities regarding self improvement hahah.
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Feb 3, 2022 14:10:04 GMT
I would like to say to you Introvert that I also appreciate your interaction here. You are offering a different point of view which enriches the dialogue, especially considering that there aren't many avoidants over here. I think you are a good comunicator too. Maybe I am missing underlying meanings but I am glad to see how respectful people here are, at least in the FA section, probably due to a better understanding of how being avoidant and anxious feels like. I haven't read much other sections though. Interaction with unaware insecurely attached people can be tricky. I couldn't tell how many people I have offended in the past with my words and acts, probably in the order of hundreds (not joking), very very unaware of my own shit and others feelings, no filter to say what I thought to be the absolute truth. I remember a teacher at college telling me that I totally lacked empathy and it hurt a lot but never made think about it until I started to be empathetic toward others and realize how right he was. Crazy that I had to go through some painfull experiences to be more empathetic. I think some hostile posters might be in the same process of finding out that what they think or how they feel is not an accurate representation of the reality. Being said that, you don't have to deal with it, it's their business and their journey. It is cool that you try to help, but it is cool too that you decide to work on you and let them be on their own |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2022 14:48:17 GMT
I would like to say to you Introvert that I also appreciate your interaction here. You are offering a different point of view which enriches the dialogue, especially considering that there aren't many avoidants over here. I think you are a good comunicator too. Maybe I am missing underlying meanings but I am glad to see how respectful people here are, at least in the FA section, probably due to a better understanding of how being avoidant and anxious feels like. I haven't read much other sections though. Interaction with unaware insecurely attached people can be tricky. I couldn't tell how many people I have offended in the past with my words and acts, probably in the order of hundreds (not joking), very very unaware of my own shit and others feelings, no filter to say what I thought to be the absolute truth. I remember a teacher at college telling me that I totally lacked empathy and it hurt a lot but never made think about it until I started to be empathetic toward others and realize how right he was. Crazy that I had to go through some painfull experiences to be more empathetic. I think some hostile posters might be in the same process of finding out that what they think or how they feel is not an accurate representation of the reality. Being said that, you don't have to deal with it, it's their business and their journey. It is cool that you try to help, but it is cool too that you decide to work on you and let them be on their own  Thank you Sorgin! That means a lot. I have been looking at how I communicate and actually have felt totally confounded about interactions with AP when they get triggered, until I learned more and that video helped a lot with understanding their world view. I challenge the notion that anxious are more likely to "get help". They are extremely likely to seek advice about how to change their partner, or seek an ear to complain, or tips on how to get their partner back- but as far as seeking to actually identify their own trouble spots? I haven't seen it. The active members here are mostly FA, actually. And alexandra former AP, and myself. The AP come and go with their triggers, that is all. At any rate, I don't want to go into a hypercritical tangent BUT I feel that a layer of confusion and even illusion has been lifted from me regarding the whole AP dynamic. They are as resistant to change as much (sometimes even more!) as any other type, and it's due to their wiring, and their enmeshment with others that prohibits them from taking responsibility for their own experience. The idea that avoidants are the tough ones to get through to doesn't ring true to me any longer based on what I've seen. And, returning to the thread! Thanks for sharing that video krolle , and I'm glad that it resonates very well with our FA folks here. Every resource that helps foster self understanding and compassion and a sense of BEING understood, is a great resource. I hope she comes out with more. And I'll adjust the playback speed 😃. |
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Post by krolle on Feb 11, 2022 3:51:21 GMT
I feel a strength today that I havent felt in a while. I know it's fleeting...And I can't quiet explain it. But Im going to enjoy it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2022 4:43:20 GMT
I feel a strength today that I havent felt in a while. I know it's fleeting...And I can't quiet explain it. But Im going to enjoy it. Enjoy it! It will grow over time! |
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Post by krolle on Feb 18, 2022 3:48:17 GMT
Anybody have experience dealing with racing thoughts and persistant rumination? Especially at night.
I'v managed to come to a place of at least moderate stability (for an FA) in a few aspects of life.
But I'm really struggling with racing thoughts still. I feel afraid to go to bed or relax because that's when my mind goes full throttle.
I'm always "in my head". Hours can go by sometimes and I suddenly pop back into reality briefly and realise I can't remember anything of the time that has past.
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Post by cherrycola on Feb 18, 2022 5:57:46 GMT
Anybody have experience dealing with racing thoughts and persistant rumination? Especially at night. I'v managed to come to a place of at least moderate stability (for an FA) in a few aspects of life. But I'm really struggling with racing thoughts still. I feel afraid to go to bed or relax because that's when my mind goes full throttle. I'm always "in my head". Hours can go by sometimes and I suddenly pop back into reality briefly and realise I can't remember anything of the time that has past. Yep. Alllll the damn time. I take melatonin at night, crawl into bed, pop in my headphones and play a longish mindfulness track. Mindfulness is hard at first. It feels like torture and like I am not doing it right but that's normal and the more you do it the easier it gets. The more mindfulness you do the more you can catch yourself ruminating and then you can use other behaviors to redirect yourself. Radical acceptance. Snapping a rubberband. Etc. I also sometimes will purposely daydream if I find I'm stuck in a rumination while trying to sleep. I have entire stories in my head that at least allow my mind to explore instead of being stuck in a loop. |
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Post by krolle on Feb 20, 2022 17:27:26 GMT
Thankyou for the tips.
Yeah mindfulness is really difficult. I have found it near impossible at times. But I assume practice is whats needed.
I like your idea about choosing the stories you play in your head. It appeals to the creative side of me. And also triggers anger in me less than mindfulness.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 21, 2022 3:52:46 GMT
Thankyou for the tips. Yeah mindfulness is really difficult. I have found it near impossible at times. But I assume practice is whats needed. I like your idea about choosing the stories you play in your head. It appeals to the creative side of me. And also triggers anger in me less than mindfulness. I keep a journal and write things so that they are placed out of my head and onto paper. Also, legs up on a chair while lying on the floor is good to sooth the nervous system. Do it for 5 minutes while meditating. |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Mar 20, 2022 2:07:19 GMT
I am currently reading CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker. I am not sure whether I might have a mild CPTSD or not but I find it in some way related to FA, I am yet to figure out how they may be related to me, but it'll be hard to tell due to not having a strong sense of self and don't knowing for sure how I truly am and how I sometimes feel (I am recently starting to identify and name feelings more accurately. I indentified plenty of shame in my thought patterns). It's very frustrating how I struggle so much with introspection, but I can't deny the fact that I am too harsh on myself and I am never "too good or accurate" so it is also hard to tell whether I might be overexagerating. I am looking forward to reading the whole book and practice with the tools provided there, and see if it works. It also encourages me to find a therapist, as I guess it will be more easy to get a trauma oriented proffesional. Still struggling with mistrust toward therapists as I fear giving way to dispair due to not adecuate therapy plus spending savings stress me out as I see it the ultimate way of being free and not relying on others/ being stuck in one place or job.
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