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Post by krolle on Nov 15, 2021 20:13:27 GMT
Day 2 (chronologically day 4)
waking up
Mood : 2/10
Energy :4/10
anxiety :3/10
Focus/ attentiveness: 4/10
3 hours post medication
Mood : 6/10
Energy :7/10
anxiety :3/10
Focus/ attentiveness: 6/10
I notice today that my self talk is a little different.
A bit more of a:"yes I can"
kind of thing.
Instead of the usual:"You!? you think you can do that. What a joke. Climb back into your hole, dickhead".
I'm questioning why I hate myself so much. Why I'm so insistent on punishing and depriving myself. It makes little sense.
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Post by annieb on Nov 15, 2021 21:52:54 GMT
Day 2 (chronologically day 4) waking up Mood : 2/10 Energy :4/10 anxiety :3/10 Focus/ attentiveness: 4/10 3 hours post medication Mood : 6/10 Energy :7/10 anxiety :3/10 Focus/ attentiveness: 6/10 I notice today that my self talk is a little different. A bit more of a:"yes I can" kind of thing. Instead of the usual:"You!? you think you can do that. What a joke. Climb back into your hole, dickhead". I'm questioning why I hate myself so much. Why I'm so insistent on punishing and depriving myself. It makes little sense. This all looks promising! Maybe you could still find some answers in therapy for the self hatred. It’s usually a trauma based phenomenon. As you work through the original traumas in therapy you will slightly change your memory fabric - and will no longer be attaching the trauma to yourself, and then a more distant/ clearer/ less self centered story will emerge of the past with the same facts and events. From which you will then detach and weave a new story of your future. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 22, 2021 17:37:44 GMT
About a week or so into taking the meds.
waking up:
Mood : 3/10
Energy :3/10
anxiety :2/10
Focus/ attentiveness: 2/10
2 hours post dose
Mood : 5/10
Energy :5/10
anxiety :2/10
Focus/ attentiveness: 5/10
Effect is significantly more blunted. I can sleep as little as 5 hours after taking it now. Productivity, energy and confidence are not quiet so intense.
No physiological side effects at all for me. Maybe a little thirstier than usual, but nothing uncomfortable.
Some noticeable personality effects. Most noticeable amongst them aggression and assertiveness,bordering on being short and unpleasant with people. I'm finding it harder to tolerate people that irritate me or try take advantage of me, even if it's light hearted. I'm not a physically voilent person but I notice my firsts are clenched and jaw set for a lot of the day.
The other day my colleague splashed some water at me and it took some restraint not to jump up and grab him. Instead I responded with a very terse and threatening "Don't do that" which I think he was a little taken aback by.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2021 17:54:28 GMT
krolle, do you think you're more aggressive due to a physiology change or because the clarity is helping you access some of the anger you've kept locked up through numbness and disconnection in the past? Seems worth mentioning when you check in with the prescribing psychologist.
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Post by krolle on Nov 22, 2021 20:39:57 GMT
krolle, do you think you're more aggressive due to a physiology change or because the clarity is helping you access some of the anger you've kept locked up through numbness and disconnection in the past? Seems worth mentioning when you check in with the prescribing psychologist. A little from column A, a little from column B. The medication does definately influence things. But I was very angry before even starting them if you recall on the here we go again thread. I suppose I'v just hit the point where I'm sick of getting the proverbial dirt kicked in my face. And some of the work I have been doing is starting manifest into behaviours. For example on boundaries. As people are doing things which make me unhappy, I'm telling them, as opposed to being quiet, or passive aggresive. On a few occasions recently I have stood up for myself where previously I wouldn't. I'm also relishing conflict to some extent lately, as opposed to avoiding it. Depending on the situation of course. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2021 21:17:04 GMT
I'd think you don't want it to spiral into aggression you can't control, but if it's not happening for uncontrollable physiological reasons, then we've talked in other threads in this forum about it being good to have increased access to anger when you're healing. It's part of processing and can help you eventually get to the next emotion (like in a similar vein to if you think about the stages of grief... you don't need to get to them all linearly or stay in them all for equal amounts of time, but there is something to be said for passing through them all to fully process something).
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2021 16:58:33 GMT
krolle, do you think you're more aggressive due to a physiology change or because the clarity is helping you access some of the anger you've kept locked up through numbness and disconnection in the past? Seems worth mentioning when you check in with the prescribing psychologist. A little from column A, a little from column B. The medication does definately influence things. But I was very angry before even starting them if you recall on the here we go again thread. I suppose I'v just hit the point where I'm sick of getting the proverbial dirt kicked in my face. And some of the work I have been doing is starting manifest into behaviours. For example on boundaries. As people are doing things which make me unhappy, I'm telling them, as opposed to being quiet, or passive aggresive. On a few occasions recently I have stood up for myself where previously I wouldn't. I'm also relishing conflict to some extent lately, as opposed to avoiding it. Depending on the situation of course. I actually think this sounds good and appropriate. Anger is so pathologized. It's a natural response to threat which can include being disrespected, demeaned, or having boundaries crossed otherwise. I remember going through a phase similar to this, when I went from avoiding conflict into being assertive (it felt aggressive to me because I had anger. But anger can be present while still not behaving aggressively. It's a matter of conscious awareness of the feeling and conscious choices for the resulting assertive actions.) Things like the guy splashing water. What adult in a professional or work setting thinks this is appropriate? Not me. If you prefer not to be splashed with water that's totally reasonable and you're allowed to be terse about it. We don't all have to go around mamby- pamby farting roses and offering marshmallows in response to things we don't like, asking please stop. We can also be quite polite if we are able in the moment, and say something like "I don't like that, please don't do it again. Thank you.". But give yourself a break (others can too!) Humans have moods and yours will likely improve as you feel more respectful space around yourself , resulting from standing up for yourself. I think it's much better to address it tersely than to not address it at all. Kudos! I think you're doing great, quite pleased to hear you are taking up for yourself even in small terse ways.  |
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Post by krolle on Nov 29, 2021 13:03:23 GMT
One thing I'v realized is that I'm not sure what life is outside the search for external validation? Do I even enjoy anything outside of that?
I'v had discussions on here before talking about how I don't understand the relationship to self and it's one of the core things holding me back.
Nobody can explain to me what this means in a way I can comprehend. As hard as I try it's like I'm missing the brain hardware to process what that means. My life, my self esteem, a whole bunch of things are tied to how I think people see me. The gnawing tooth ache in my soul can only be satisfied by other people and their approval/desire, particularly women. My whole sense of self, of self worth is just a reflection of others opinion of me.
I'm sure this has to be somewhat normal? right? F**k I have no idea anymore.
The idea of validating oneself seems hollow, meaningless, and utterly alien.
I sound very narcassistic I'm sure talking about this kind of wounding.
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 29, 2021 13:06:48 GMT
One thing I'v realized is that I'm not sure what life is outside the search for external validation? Do I even enjoy anything outside of that? I'v had discussions on here before talking about how I don't understand the relationship to self and it's one of the core things holding me back. Nobody can explain to me what this means in a way I can comprehend. As hard as I try it's like I'm missing the brain hardware to process what that means. My life, my self esteem, a whole bunch of things are tied to how I think people see me. The gnawing tooth ache in my soul can only be satisfied by other people and their approval/desire, particularly women. My whole sense of self, of self worth is just a reflection of others opinion of me. I'm sure this has to be somewhat normal? right? F**k I have no idea anymore. The idea of validating oneself seems hollow, meaningless, and utterly alien. I sound very narcassistic I'm sure talking about this kind of wounding. I understand what you’re saying completely, and I struggle with the same thing. For me it comes from low self-esteem and childhood abuse and trauma. I really struggled in my 20s with this, it got better now in my 30s, but my most recent breakup with an FA has left me back where I began and dealing with it all over again. It doesn’t sound narcissistic at all. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 29, 2021 17:05:31 GMT
One thing I'v realized is that I'm not sure what life is outside the search for external validation? Do I even enjoy anything outside of that? I'v had discussions on here before talking about how I don't understand the relationship to self and it's one of the core things holding me back. Nobody can explain to me what this means in a way I can comprehend. As hard as I try it's like I'm missing the brain hardware to process what that means. My life, my self esteem, a whole bunch of things are tied to how I think people see me. The gnawing tooth ache in my soul can only be satisfied by other people and their approval/desire, particularly women. My whole sense of self, of self worth is just a reflection of others opinion of me. I'm sure this has to be somewhat normal? right? F**k I have no idea anymore. The idea of validating oneself seems hollow, meaningless, and utterly alien. I sound very narcassistic I'm sure talking about this kind of wounding. I understand what you’re saying completely, and I struggle with the same thing. For me it comes from low self-esteem and childhood abuse and trauma. I really struggled in my 20s with this, it got better now in my 30s, but my most recent breakup with an FA has left me back where I began and dealing with it all over again. It doesn’t sound narcissistic at all. This is a very hard thing to approach psychologically, especially in your current fragile state, so maybe it's not advisable right now. But for me I have definately considered myself as very narcassistic in recent years. Perhaps not NPD but certainly lots of narcassistic wounding and coping mechanisms as with many insecures. I have lied, gaslit, am in a constant search for validation and have used a lot of people in the past to get this. I have also blamed exes, experience a lot of jealousy, and when hurt feel the desire to employ a lot of subtle manipulation techniques to relieve that feeling. I have been completely oblivious to this for my whole life. Even when I started to come to this forum I was incessantly blaming one of my exes who had BPD. And for sure that relationship was massively destructive for my mental health. But now I look back I'm not surprised she acted anxiously. I was an absolute scumbag and didn't even know it! The whole nice guy persona I portray is a sham when it comes to intimate relationships. The most dangerous part is I never even realised I was doing anything wrong! lack of insight/ insecurity/ poor self esteem is a dangerous combo indeed. If only just now in my 30's started to come to terms with who I am. I guess maybe that happens with a lot of people as alexandra has commented to me. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 29, 2021 17:14:19 GMT
it's hard to know what is Narcassism/ insecurity/ poor self esteem etc as the terms get thrown around wildly these days, They all go together to form a painful cocktail. And the question of human free will comes into play, which is a difficult concept ethically.
Can I be blamed if I didn't know I was hurting anyone consciously? If the wounds that were given to me were out of my control and I didn't know any better?
The difficult extension of that is something like "well if I didn't know and I hurt people can I blame someone who beats their partner if that's all they knew growing up?
or even a murderer who has a disorder where the chemicals in their brain make them extremely violent and unable to control it? Would I be able to control myself if I were in their body?
Man...human nature is a rabbit hole of madness...
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Post by annieb on Nov 29, 2021 17:39:49 GMT
krolle these are all defence mechanisms turned personality when you were growing up. The best way to tackle this would be to return to little baby krolle and start remembering what you liked doing as a child. What you were like as a child and return to some of those hobbies and interests. You will essentially re-parent yourself. But you need a strong support network for this and having a therapist you trust to navigate this is most important.
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Post by annieb on Nov 29, 2021 17:54:01 GMT
krolle For what it’s worth I think I’ve only ever encountered two real narcissists, one was my former boss and another was my last serious boyfriend. The thing they have in common and that you do not possess is that they are not typing threads on an attachment style forum and agonizing about what they’ve done wrong. If they have a glimpse into what they are doing it is literally momentary and there is no room for any insight. The defense mechanisms are literally they whole personality at that point. They cannot tackle it, there is no way for them to get better. I’m not saying they don’t deserve help, they deserve it so much. But they can never access it.
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Post by krolle on Nov 29, 2021 20:13:07 GMT
krolle these are all defence mechanisms turned personality when you were growing up. The best way to tackle this would be to return to little baby krolle and start remembering what you liked doing as a child. What you were like as a child and return to some of those hobbies and interests. You will essentially re-parent yourself. But you need a strong support network for this and having a therapist you trust to navigate this is most important. I'v heard of this reparenting thing. Will explore it a little more. Might be a challenge to remember what I was into pre validation seeking. I can't even remember a time before that lol. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 29, 2021 20:18:13 GMT
krolle For what it’s worth I think I’ve only ever encountered two real narcissists, one was my former boss and another was my last serious boyfriend. The thing they have in common and that you do not possess is that they are not typing threads on an attachment style forum and agonizing about what they’ve done wrong. If they have a glimpse into what they are doing it is literally momentary and there is no room for any insight. The defense mechanisms are literally they whole personality at that point. They cannot tackle it, there is no way for them to get better. I’m not saying they don’t deserve help, they deserve it so much. But they can never access it. Thankyou Annie. I concede to your point. But only in recent times. During the behaviour I was taking about I did not have a clue I was doing anything wrong. As I mentioned, even as recent as my introduction to this forum I was still just looking to blame my exes. I guess insight is a big thing as you rightly said. But what is the difference between narcassistic supply and validation seeking? is there any? |
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