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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2021 18:46:36 GMT
I think intensity is also part of the insecurity story…it isn’t just FA.I think some of us through no fault of our own have ended up with neurotransmitter deficiencies and overactive nervous systems that feed into the intensity. I find that I am intense at work, I am intense on the road…..I am fully on or fully off. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I cannot do anything without ferocious intensity. Literally incapable of it. All or nothing. Attention, exercise, hobbies, relationships, sex, work. It has to be intense or nothing. There is no room for the middle ground. Like you said it's just the way our nervous systems are primed or something. I either don't exercise and lay in bed too much and eat junk, or I'm meal prepping, down to 7% body fat and working out until I'm crawling out of the gym 5 days a week. If I drink I'm usually trashed daily or I'm tee total for 6 months..... This is interesting. I am more middle of the road on everything I do, I actually abhor intensity, extremes. I don't have the energy haha. I resent anything that disrupts my homeostasis too much. I go deeply into hobbies but equally deeply into repose, they aren't exclusive in a day. I can't handle a lot of nervous system "charge" myself. My boyfriend is more intense. We've learned to go at an easier pace together but at first he was dragging me along and I just can't live that way. It was taking a toll on him too. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 8, 2021 20:14:06 GMT
I'm glad you have found this type of "peace" in your relationship @introvert. It sounds very healthy. And yes I agree it does generate hope that others have come through same experiences. But I still worry about being FA because it seems that those of us who have earned secure are few and far between. I'm under the impression FA have the most wounds usually, those on both anxious and avoidant sides. I have most commonly seen FA find stability through tapping out of dating for long periods. Which makes sense, but I feel melancholic about that. This is the story you're telling yourself, but I don't think it's true. Yes, FA have more to work through because there's both the anxious side and the avoidant side to contend with. But anecdotally, I've known far more avoidants who have earned secure than AP, honestly. It's possible for all types as long as there's awareness and drive. I haven't seen any less ability among FA to earn secure versus other insecure types as long as they are committed and driven to do so. That's really the key for any insecure style, to WANT to heal and be willing to put in the time and actions to do so. Which you've been doing the last few months. This isn't linear at all, either. It's taking steps forward then backwards then forwards but diagonally, then 3 steps forward and 1 to the side, etc. until you get where you want to go! |
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Post by krolle on Nov 8, 2021 20:59:20 GMT
Another wave of anger and frustration is upon me today. very hard to concentrate and sit still.
Unfortunately I'm at work. 😣
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2021 20:59:48 GMT
I'm glad you have found this type of "peace" in your relationship @introvert . It sounds very healthy. And yes I agree it does generate hope that others have come through same experiences. But I still worry about being FA because it seems that those of us who have earned secure are few and far between. I'm under the impression FA have the most wounds usually, those on both anxious and avoidant sides. I have most commonly seen FA find stability through tapping out of dating for long periods. Which makes sense, but I feel melancholic about that. This is the story you're telling yourself, but I don't think it's true. Yes, FA have more to work through because there's both the anxious side and the avoidant side to contend with. But anecdotally, I've known far more avoidants who have earned secure than AP, honestly. It's possible for all types as long as there's awareness and drive. I haven't seen any less ability among FA to earn secure versus other insecure types as long as they are committed and driven to do so. That's really the key for any insecure style, to WANT to heal and be willing to put in the time and actions to do so. Which you've been doing the last few months. This isn't linear at all, either. It's taking steps forward then backwards then forwards but diagonally, then 3 steps forward and 1 to the side, etc. until you get where you want to go! I agree! I've also seen more avoidant types get there than I have AP. maybe the self reliance bit gives an advantage in some ways, who knows . But I agree will all other points as well. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2021 21:36:53 GMT
Another wave of anger and frustration is upon me today. very hard to concentrate and sit still. Unfortunately I'm at work. 😣 Having a bunch of feelings at work sucks! Maybe at the end of the day you can do something that helps you discharge. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2021 20:43:09 GMT
Another wave of anger and frustration is upon me today. very hard to concentrate and sit still. Unfortunately I'm at work. 😣 I read someplace that anger and laughter cannot reside in the same space…..perhaps a good comedy or some other way to get yourself into a humorous state will work. Also…..do you ever journal? Just getting things out of your head may do the trick….even if it is not here. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2021 20:52:10 GMT
I also wanted to add…I hit a bit of a bad patch…not over someone…but in other areas…..so I say this to say you are not alone. Sometimes it can feel very isolating when it seems like I am the only one who feels I have not figured it all out….when the reality is that there are so many people that are struggling with something and the awareness of the struggle and the ability to articulate it and make a choice about it is what I believe propels an insecure person in a secure direction. Still sending you virtual hugs from across the pond.
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Post by krolle on Nov 11, 2021 11:14:42 GMT
I also wanted to add…I hit a bit of a bad patch…not over someone…but in other areas…..so I say this to say you are not alone. Sometimes it can feel very isolating when it seems like I am the only one who feels I have not figured it all out….when the reality is that there are so many people that are struggling with something and the awareness of the struggle and the ability to articulate it and make a choice about it is what I believe propels an insecure person in a secure direction. Still sending you virtual hugs from across the pond. I will agree laughter is a good remedy to feeling crap. The problem is that it's hard to generate the desire to laugh in those situations. same with having interest in anything. I'm sorry your going through a rough patch. You are certainly not alone. I should imagine there are millions of people going through this stuff across the planet as we speak. And much worse. Just last week I had to console my friend who had only been married a couple years and her husband ran away with one of her bridesmaids. She was in a state of course. I felt pretty impotent offering her any of the knowledge I have accumulated over the last few years so just had to try listen. As for this specific lady then it was mostly the situation that has really got me ruffled. rather than just the break up itself. Because of all the avoidance I just don't know what was real. Even the good times now I'm not sure if she was just using me to feel better about herself. I'm not sure if it was my fault. It's hard to learn or take anything positive from going really well and discussing couples activities one minute then being basically ghosted the next. Also I start medication tomorow. For depression and ADHD. I was supposed to start yesterday but decided to hold off because I'm going through alcohol withdrawal and don't think it's a good idea to start amphetamine based medication whilst my hands are already shaking so much it's hard to write lol. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 11, 2021 11:21:03 GMT
Also as for an update to the situation I asked a bunch of you guys advice on.
I haven't responded to the message as of yet. I'm leaning toward not,at this point. A part of me desperately wants to. I'm somewhere in between missing her terribly and hating her guts at this point. The main feeling stopping me now is embarrassment.
I imagine her reaction after the tone of finality in her message being like:
"ugghhh not this guy, I thought I had got rid of him, hey Chad, should I just block this guy before we bang, or after"?
lol
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2021 13:42:40 GMT
Also as for an update to the situation I asked a bunch of you guys advice on. I haven't responded to the message as of yet. I'm leaning toward not,at this point. A part of me desperately wants to. I'm somewhere in between missing her terribly and hating her guts at this point. The main feeling stopping me now is embarrassment. I imagine her reaction after the tone of finality in her message being like: "ugghhh not this guy, I thought I had got rid of him, hey Chad, should I just block this guy before we bang, or after"? lol Look at it this way- you don't want that kind of woman, who treated you that way. You're not the one who's got something to be embarrassed about here and one day she might get a conscience about al this. I'm really so happy to see you're seeking medication support and will be starting those. What a long way you've come. The medicine trials can be daunting for some but with good care they will get you settled on what works best for you. I'm really proud of how you've gotten through all this! |
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Post by krolle on Nov 11, 2021 17:30:37 GMT
Also as for an update to the situation I asked a bunch of you guys advice on. I haven't responded to the message as of yet. I'm leaning toward not,at this point. A part of me desperately wants to. I'm somewhere in between missing her terribly and hating her guts at this point. The main feeling stopping me now is embarrassment. I imagine her reaction after the tone of finality in her message being like: "ugghhh not this guy, I thought I had got rid of him, hey Chad, should I just block this guy before we bang, or after"? lol Look at it this way- you don't want that kind of woman, who treated you that way. You're not the one who's got something to be embarrassed about here and one day she might get a conscience about al this. I'm really so happy to see you're seeking medication support and will be starting those. What a long way you've come. The medicine trials can be daunting for some but with good care they will get you settled on what works best for you. I'm really proud of how you've gotten through all this! [br I appreciate the perspective. And I know you're probably right. It's just my only real experience of women in my age group. An endless case of monkey branching. Things are going well, but someone more interesting inevitably pop us and then there's a little bit of breadcrumbing and confusion while you are kept in a holding pattern and they ice you out to avoid feeling guilty. Until the ghosting comes. I'm sure guys do this too. I just don't experience it as a heterosexual male of course. It's so hard to trust or learn in those situations because the emotional connection is severed quiet secretively as soon as the new party arrives on the scene. There's usually no outward problems in the relationship or big fights or deal breakers, or chance to redeem. It just suddenly ends as they pursue this new source of excitement and you are forgotten. I have found that intimacy is often withdrawn first. And sex in particular. Because most people have no way to argue against it. It's superficially a get out of jail free because the other partner can't ethically force someone to be sexual, and even if they try open up those avenues compassionately can seem needy and come across as the bad guy. So the connection is sabotaged. With regards to what was said earlier about the intensity being a red flag. Then I would say That it didn't start off intense. And I had known her for over a month before we became intimate. I need the intensity at some point as previously stated. But I don't mind if it's built slowly. I'm trying to think back if there were more red flags. I honestly feel security is rare in dating in 2021. But of course that couod just be my self fulfilling perspective. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 11, 2021 17:58:33 GMT
I honestly feel security is rare in dating in 2021. But of course that couod just be my self fulfilling perspective. This has to do with who you're choosing. You can find plenty of insecure daters in your 30s, and monkey branching is an off-shoot of that. But it's hardly everyone. I've never been that way at all. But if you think about this statistically, if you have 2/3 insecure and 1/3 secure (not accurate numbers but if about half to 60% of people are secure according to research and the other half aren't, lets just take that and stack in a little more weight to secures who already married out in their 20s and online dating attracting more insecures because it's an easy format for scared people), then every 4/10 people you talk to via online dating may be secure. With the unconscious insecure attraction to each other, maybe you only click with 1 or 2 out of 10 enough to keep talking and maybe meet up. So if you're not aware of all this stuff, it can seem like everyone is an insecure monkey brancher, but they're really not. Part of this process is also reconditioning your filter and picker, which (you are correct) is currently propagating the self-fulfilling prophecy. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2021 0:08:35 GMT
krolle, I agree with alexandra on the suitability of the dating pool. There are available people with integrity who have other dating patterns than you have seen, of every age. It really is a matter of who you are attracted to and who you are choosing, or gravitating toward. I finally "got it" when I met and started dating my boyfriend. I consciously chose other than my "type". I used different criteria to evaluate him as a dating partner, and as we progressed to a relationship. My attraction changed- I am attracted in every way to him although I can say that without confronting my own dating patterns and "attractions", I definitely would not have been attracted to him 5 years ago. Before him I chose and became involved with partners who fit my own unhealthy beliefs and patterns. I have seen this over and over again, when you are ready for and can deliver your part in a "healthy enough to grow in" relationship, the choices will become more clear and you will consider partners you hadn't before. Your standards will have changed.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2021 23:16:30 GMT
Hey krolle, how you doing? I've been following the other thread as you adjust to medication- hope you're navigating that ok and also we're still here if you're struggling on the breakup piece! |
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Post by krolle on Nov 19, 2021 7:07:48 GMT
Hey krolle, how you doing? I've been following the other thread as you adjust to medication- hope you're navigating that ok and also we're still here if you're struggling on the breakup piece! Hi @introvert Thankyou for checking in. It makes me smile. In some areas I'm doing ok. in others not so well. I'm still really cut up about this break up. But not so much somatically anymore. Like earlier in this thread there were points I could not function. Found it hard to eat and work etc. Now I'm still in a lot of pain cognitively, but My body/nervous system is not so agitated. Anger and confusion are the major players in my current emotional state. I keep switching between not knowing what went on the whole 'relationship' and thinking that I was just used, and feeling really furious about that. Her last message to me (the one I sent you guys for input) makes my blood boil. After asking for clarity and to talk about where were at, it is just so ignorant of everything, I can barely contain the anger. It just smacks of "I know I treat you like shit, but I'm unwilling to feel guilty so I'm gonna give you an off hand parting compliment and hope you dissapear. To feel so connected to a person one minute and then totally discarded without much explanation. Or at least legitimate explanation is quiet exquisitely painful. It makes me feel worthless. I know logically its more about her and her insecurities. But it still boggles my mind. I can't work out whether it was an avoidant deactivation, or she just messed me about from the start, or something else. its hard to get closure. The meds really help. But I feel ashamed of taking them. It feels like cheating or something. Having said that, I did not take them today, so my self talk is cruel again. I'm also very tempted to womanize again to numb the pain. I have had 2 opportunities for sex this week and turned both down. I can't decide if this is a good thing or bad. |
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