Here we go again.

I've never read extensively on this, so it's all my own opinion. Yes, I think attachment styles and ADHD are related and intertwined. insecure relationships provide huge stimulation and something to obsess over, which is very much what ADHDers want/need. So I think poor relationships are a source of ADHD dopamine hit, like what Kroelle said. The drama, chaos, and passion can also feel like it's the right "vibe" for ADHDers, whose default inner world is rich and imaginative, but the real world is actually very boring and mundane. The issue is confounding the chaos/drama for richness and activity - and this is usually due to poor socializing and parenting when growing up. Note that ADHD has a genetic component to it, so parents are likely to have it as well.

I apologize in advance; NTs can also feel "boring" (by ADHD standards) and secure healthy relationships with NTs can feel very deadening, bland, and I think even superficial, when it's none of those things. I found it difficult to have friendships with many NTs because we just have very different interests, viewpoints, and ways of relating. So, it's likely that adhers are not too exposed to what society generally considers "secure healthy rships", because those as defined by NTs are actually difficult to establish and, even after it's established, very tedious to maintain for ADHDers.

Sometimes, I think that my exes provided enough stimulation just so that I can function in other aspects of life. This is very counterintuitive, but ADHDers need to be "stimulated" enough to focus on boring things. The simplest example is how ADHD kids need to doodle or shake their bodies when in class, so that they can actually channel some attention to what the teacher is saying. From the outside, it can look like the kid is distracted, but in actuality, the kid needs to be distracted enough to channel their attention somewhere (usually boring).

I also think that are plenty of nurture and situational factors faced by ADHDers when growing up, leading to an inherently insecure attachment style. For example, as an ADHDer, you face much more negative social cues and criticism and feedback (e.g., don't fidget, you're being annoying, you're weird, etc) and much less normal NT social support because you're likely to face social difficulties (e.g., not sure why people can't keep up with your train of thought, why people are so bland etc). Aside from facing more social difficulties, the impact of such negative experiences are exacerbated by other qualitative factors like RSD, general naivete (ADHDers are generally naive and trusting), and feeling gaslighted (cos you're often forgetful). So, when insecure relationships are confusing, ADHDers can really go into a spin. Here is where ADHD and attachment styles can have an amplifying effect on each other. When in insecure relationships, the emotional dysregulation is even more, and that causes more insecurity, and the vicious cycle continues.

ADHDers also can face difficulties knowing themselves very well and have rich imaginations and inner worlds. So, it can be tricky differentiating your subjective and objective realities, and sometimes confuse yourself as to what you want/need. Particularly because you can very easily IMAGINE a world that accommodates what someone else wants/needs, without accounting for what you want. And then ADHDers will just set out to create this world because it's fun and entertaining and interesting, but that's not really how real life works!

I've came on the boards in an AP phase, and earned secure before I even became aware of or diagnosed with ADHD. I didn't even set out to resolve my attachment issues, I simply got tired of being dysregulated as I realize that I could have a boring stable life with a rich inner world, and didn't have to enact my inner world as my reality. The first step was simply getting rid of toxic relationships, and I had to find out why I was choosing toxic relationships. This was how I started with this forum! Another adhd trait - stories are always a long chain of events that are seemingly random.

Excellent input from all of you. I'm really glad you good people are on this journey of discovery with me.

It's such a fascinating subject. The potential to discover more about ourselves and how useful that could be in helping solve problems is very appealing.

After a lifetime of feeling different and struggling I feel a little hopeful of making some progress. Regardless of if it's ADHD or sonething else or just trauma related attachment issues. This hones self appraisal feels tealky productive.

I enjoy hearing your stories.

To be honest FA makes my life way more miserable than ADHD. I kinda accepted myself when it comes to ADHD. I rather have a healthy relationship where I can love and be loved without fear, and a rich personal life than having a good job, a good car parked in my driveway and a big empty house for myself.

It is exactly what I thought when reading some of your posts buddy, it is like reading myself. In fact, a lot of what you folks say resonate a lot to me. For a long time I thought I was unique (in a negative sense), like "nobody else is dealing with the stuff I am struggling at" sort of thing. Never confessed this stuff until a couple of years because I was so ashamed of it and felt vulnerable. I mean, if you don't know about AT or don't talk to people about it, when you think about self-sabotage, emotional shutthing down, anxiety about someone you just met a couple months before, the pain you trigger in others and yourself and so on you feel insane. But in the end we are all just human beings and follow certain patterns of behaviours. Not so unique after all.

I appreciate the info you bring to the table about ADHD origins. I like evolutive perspectives as it provides good interpretations. Evolution shaped us, and in some way or another ADHD could have made us more fit for survival under certain environments, otherwise it would have disappeared from our genetic code. It makes a lot of sense, even though psychology is not an exact science as you said before and we will never know for sure.

I remember being at a dinner with my first girlfriend. I told her that one of my college professors was a big expert in caseine (a milk protein). All of a sudden she started to laugh loudly, she couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. At first I didn't understand why, but when I met her outlook I couldn't stop laughing as well. I never realized before how absurd our modern work market can sometimes be.

What I mean is that it's all about perspective. Being a jack of all trades and having hunger for novelty might look kinda useless nowadays and we won't do it for a living, but if related to ADHD, I can't think of it as a proper disorder compared to spending a whole life researching a protein which isn't even related to human health.

That's one of the reasons I kinda accepted myself long ago when it comes to ADHD. It sucks to have ADHD but I don't think the symptoms are that bad compared to any other mental disorder or even insecure attachment issues, maybe procrastination is quite maddening, but that's all.

An aside, casein is actually a major player in protein supplementation for muscle growth. Carry on. 😃

Actually, I think my boyfriend has undiagnosed but not too disruptive adhd. Anne mentioned that to me at one point but I didn't see it. I understand it occurs on a spectrum. I see giftedness in him, as well as some difficulty related to executive function. I find his adventure seeking to be a great balance to my reserved approach to life, and he finds my laid back contentedness to be grounding also. I am able to get him to slow down and rest in my way of life also... he's become more balanced by his willingness to do so and the benefits to his health and state of mind that he has recognized.

The above is only one example of how opposite we are- the list is long. We have had to work through some challenges around our divergent traits but overall see this as an asset, to our relationship and to each other. I see adhd as an otherness that doesn't mesh well with modern society, and I see my HSP traits that way as well. I celebrate aspects of each.

I definitely see where unmitigated attention difficulty can cause disruption. But I also see there are ways to work around it by changing expectations. My boyfriend is a mess in his personal space. But why does he have to be otherwise? The assets in his character and personality far outweigh things that could garner judgement from myself or other people. I have learned to see him with a perspective of wonder and appreciation. And we compromise on things that cause (or could potentially cause) conflict. That's one odd bird loving another odd bird I guess haha.

There is some good reading material about the gift of adhd- not everyone sees it that way but perspective carries a lot of weight in how you deal with and accept something.

it's lovely that you see it that way; it's rare. no matter how much people praise the gifts of adhd, accepting and working with it on a daily basis is another issue, and very understandably so (for both parties!) glad that you can see the beauty in opposites and differences and otherness! 

So an update with my situationship. I'm paraphrasing straight from my journal entries, so it may be a long read, written somewhat melodramatically. I also may delete this post after a while to maintain privacy. I would ask that you don't use the quote function if replying to this post for that reason.

Since I started this thread I have pretty much come to the conclusion that she is either FA or DA. Most likely FA leaning dismissive.

I would like to redact my earlier statement in this thread saying that my insight into attachment styles had been of little use. My period of pain and dysregulation upon starting this thread is considerably less than previous ones, and I used no alcohol to cope this time. Though I was and still am quiet hurt and struggling, I'm not quiet the mess I was when I first joined this forum. I returned to 'centre' quicker than previously, which I think is a good metaphor for a recovering FA.

The behaviour, which before in my life was a complete enigma now seems fairly stark. In both myself and her.

Since I last updated you guys a couple weeks ago I have been on the receiving end of at least 2 push- pull cycles.

Shortly after I started the thread where I felt she had pulled back and was distant, and I wasn't even sure I would see her again, we 'reconciled' and then had a couple of wonderful days together. Lots of sex and talking, and having fun, deep conversations. Then a day or 2 of nice, intimate and regular text conversation........Then suddenly absent for several days. Usual excuse I'm familiar with now from other relationships and myself (I'm overwhelmed, too much stress, etc).

I think my responses were somewhat secure. No protest behaviours despite a strong internal anxiety.

I basically told her the mixed signals were making me feel really off balance, and I wasn't sure how to respond to them. I also made it known that I respected her need for space and there was no pressure from me.

She seemed to respond tentatively at first, indirectly telling me about being very unsure. For example saying how she felt, but ending the statement with a question mark, as though not sure herself. This smacks of fearful avoidance to me now. I could almost see the internal war going on in her between the desire to connect with me strongly and the fear of it.

I know that behaviour, it is my behaviour, and its strange to know it so clearly from this different perspective. A taste of my own medicine....And it's somewhat bitter.

I feel shame that I have done this to people my whole adult life, But I sense the tiniest sprinkles of compassion. My inner voice says “you didn't know, you never tried to hurt anyone” , its cynical counterpart shouts with anger “YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU PIECE OF SH*T”. The voice is that of my ex for some reason.

I kept the pressure on her low, but stated as honestly as I dare how I felt and what I needed. Momentum seemed to develop a little bit over the next couple days. And low, a couple days after we were back together having a wonderful time, The anxiety of the past few days a distant memory as I basked in the post coetal glow with her head on my chest.

A couple days more of regular communication, reminiscing about the time we spent together, flirting, complimenting, and discussing possible future plans etc...........Then of course.... shut down. “I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, this is too much, I'm sorry”, no communication for several days......... etc. At this point the anxiety is a bit less than last time and the expression on my face is a look of seemingly inevitable disappointment rather than panic. Though I still feel anxious inside I have enough comic energy to chuckle to myself and think of the South Park banker skit...........”AAAAAAANNNDDDD IT'S GONE!!!” (if anyone gets the reference lol).

I have come to think these might be the fabled emotional hangovers I might be on the receiving end of. Or at least aware of being on them now.

I'm also aware that she might just be genuinely tired and stressed from life lately, but there's a part of me that is somewhat convinced the pattern and timing is a bit too convenient. Anyhow, I'm trying to cope with accepting the fear of loss as best I can. No protest behaviours. No self destruction. But still somewhat confused as for how to proceed.

The problem is that looking at the situation objectively, she hasn't really done anything wrong other than be somewhat unavailable temporarily on a few occasions, which is not exactly illegal, the rest is just me filling in the gaps cynically. But the strong pull for intimacy and then sudden unavailability are uncomfortable in a very familiar way. It's not the distance itself that makes me uncomfortable, I kinda like my space too, it's the cloudy motivations behind it, and also my inner knowledge that a further distancing strategy of an FA is often to sleep around.

So I'm still finding it hard to tap out at this point, she has a lot of qualities I really like. I'm just getting a very strong sense of deja vu that's hard to deny. As an FA I neither trust others nor myself. So I'm unsure whether to trust instinct, or give the benefit of the doubt. I feel like I know this dance, and I know how it ends. But I'm also unsure if I'm just projecting my fears and reading far too much into it. I feel like I'm communicating my fears somewhat well, at least compared to old me, and she does seem responsive..... eventually.

I have also noticed a tendency for her to be generally quiet attentive if contact is maintained steadily. There seems to be some dynamic going on where if she reaches out and I'm unable to respond quickly, she becomes unavailable, withdraws and doubts things, a defence response to being ignored before perhaps.

There is also a tendency in her to not chase when I seem unavailable myself contrasting with usual FA style, and she seems to find it hard to keep affection strong for me when I am not around her in person for a while, Which both suggest a dismissive side to me. Like out of sight out of mind type thing.


I noticed a lot of people pleasing behaviours, love bombing ( I think) and when we're together she is very tuned in to my own mood and can take it quiet to heart. But I can tell she tries hard to hide it and not seem needy.

So my dilemma is, sometimes I'm not sure if I should leave her alone and let her reach out, risking the really good connection withering away as her fear overrides her desire to reconnect from each “hangover”. Or do I risk giving her a little space, but then reaching out myself in a non pressuring way and risk rejection and pushing her away?
The fact I seem to be walking on a tight rope further supports FA involvement. I'm just not sure if that's me, her or most likely both.

I am not 'completely' neglecting my own needs this time to my credit, space is not necessarily a bad thing for me.

But there is noticeable discomfort being on the receiving end of the flip flopping. I should add she is in therapy if that makes a difference. And I have noticed quiet a few secure behaviours too.

I'm also aware of the contrast between the vicious and manipulative responses I have been on the receiving end of with some of my PD exes in similar situations. Versus the way I am aware of uncomfortable feelings toward this new woman's behaviour, but able to control the impulse toward external hostility or blame. It's comforting to have that feedback as evidence I am unlikely to have a severe PD as some on this forum have tried to tell me already.


Anyhow, just sharing my thoughts.....