sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Oct 16, 2021 11:57:02 GMT
Maybe I was too hard on the casein guy haha, just a way to accept myself as I am, I know I can be too categorical sometimes but it took so much effort not to hate myself when I forget things or do stupid mistakes because I wasn't fully present. I am sorry about that.
I used to do wild harvesting for a living. No schedule, not much time managing, working for myself, no boredom, full connection with nature, there was a routine but at the same time everyday was so different. Never felt ADHD was a problem whatsoever, so I guess it depends on what environment yo live in. It is when it comes to FA that I got the major problems (no matter where I am except with my childhood friends and people I know from long ago). I lack the abilities to properly communicate and to resolve conflicts, not to mention my reluctancy to live as the family we were and much more, that brought the rejection from some of the people I lived with. It was a really painfull feeling even though I felt appreciated from part of the team. As some of you previously said in other posts, and I agree a 100% with it, the change must come within you, not expecting other to change you or fix you, especially in attachment related issues. But... Do you really folks thing ADHD is that bad? May be others who should accept it? I don't think about it as a major source of conflicts, I just can't.
If you don't mind, and I don't want to push anybody to share personal stuff, I would like to know how ADHD affects you and affects the relationship with others around you.
Introvert, I like the way you see it. Your perspective is full of comprehension and admiration about him and the focus on aspects that might create conflict between you is a ver mature way to cope with it, even if you pointed that living together might bring some challenges.
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sorgin
Junior Member
Posts: 69
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Post by sorgin on Oct 16, 2021 12:08:38 GMT
I have started to read a bit about ADHD in order to get a fully understanding about it and the scope of the so called disorder. Never felt interested about it in 15 years, hard to believe. It will take me some time because of my limited English resources.
Krolle, it looks like you are getting a high level of self-awarness about yourself and others, and that is enough to affect the way you deal with it. Just guessing how long it took you yo get where you are. I totally convinced myself that without profesional help I will go to nowhere, but I want to do the self-understanding process by myself first.
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Post by annieb on Oct 16, 2021 12:55:41 GMT
Great to read these updates and it sounds like you are doing better. Especially the drinking and coping thing, I mean that’s like a 180. So great. I feel like if you can choose when to drink you can choose so many other things for yourself, like you’re already doing. Interesting how you’re noticing her FA/ DA and her own struggle. For what it’s worth, she is probably appreciative of your open mind about it all despite your own workings.
The way your writing reads now it’s of a person with self compassion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2021 0:09:08 GMT
krolle, I know it isn't easy but it's clear to see your self awareness is growing, and your self care along with it! It makes me happy to see, although like I said I know it isn't easy and you are still in pain. You're doing the right things, and the clarity will come with that. I hope the best outcome for you, and or course I'm glad you're here to share the process. Keep going, and keep your head up. We are all pulling for you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2021 1:32:09 GMT
Maybe I was too hard on the casein guy haha, just a way to accept myself as I am, I know I can be too categorical sometimes but it took so much effort not to hate myself when I forget things or do stupid mistakes because I wasn't fully present. I am sorry about that. I used to do wild harvesting for a living. No schedule, not much time managing, working for myself, no boredom, full connection with nature, there was a routine but at the same time everyday was so different. Never felt ADHD was a problem whatsoever, so I guess it depends on what environment yo live in. It is when it comes to FA that I got the major problems (no matter where I am except with my childhood friends and people I know from long ago). I lack the abilities to properly communicate and to resolve conflicts, not to mention my reluctancy to live as the family we were and much more, that brought the rejection from some of the people I lived with. It was a really painfull feeling even though I felt appreciated from part of the team. As some of you previously said in other posts, and I agree a 100% with it, the change must come within you, not expecting other to change you or fix you, especially in attachment related issues. But... Do you really folks thing ADHD is that bad? May be others who should accept it? I don't think about it as a major source of conflicts, I just can't. If you don't mind, and I don't want to push anybody to share personal stuff, I would like to know how ADHD affects you and affects the relationship with others around you. Introvert, I like the way you see it. Your perspective is full of comprehension and admiration about him and the focus on aspects that might create conflict between you is a ver mature way to cope with it, even if you pointed that living together might bring some challenges. I know several people with adhd and they are all cool as hell lol. There ARE challenges but there are with everyone to some degree. And as a super HSP I'm pretty special myself lol- we have to work around my sensitivity and take it into consideration. We have some kind of pact together, we have each other's back  Id love to see the convo from the adhd side. It would help me understand it from the inside more. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 17, 2021 21:35:26 GMT
From the perspective of a partner I would imagine the most annoying traits of ADHD are similar ones to Fearful avoidance. That is relating to Attention and motivation. And as previously discussed it's entirely possible the two things share the same neurochemistry, if not cause.
It's the way both motivation and attention are all or nothing that is most difficult to tolerate in my opinion.
This is most often seen in the love bombing phase. At first someone is a massive source of both. So they may receive a huge amount of attention and we are really driven and excited to be with them, interact with them, be sexual with them. listen to them. They often become the centre of our world. But then quickly the honeymoon neurochemistry wares off and it becomes a chore just to even respond to a text message from that person. And at that point is when a ghosting most likely occurs. Though I will say I never ghost people as I abhor that behaviour. But I will become distant, passive aggresive etc. Which almlst as bad if not worse.
It's the same as the way I have 8 projects on the go but all of them are just 90% complete. And Even if I try so hard to set myself up to finish that last 10 percent I just can't. Almost to the point of tears of frustration. But I can apply fervent effort if I were to start a new one.
This behaviour is understandable in context of the neurochemistry. But just about the worst thing for the mental health of the partner. Especially an insecure one, who is one second the centre of the world, the next barely registered as existing. It's terrible behaviour. Though almost entirely subconscious.
I'm trying my best not to allow it to happen these days. Once I realised it was happened I felt terrible for the partners of hurt in the past. Like a "oh my god what have I done", look at the metaphorical blood in my palms kind of moment.
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Post by krolle on Oct 17, 2021 21:36:54 GMT
It's related to perfectionism and people pleasing too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2021 22:52:34 GMT
From the perspective of a partner I would imagine the most annoying traits of ADHD are similar ones to Fearful avoidance. That is relating to Attention and motivation. And as previously discussed it's entirely possible the two things share the same neurochemistry, if not cause. It's the way both motivation and attention are all or nothing that is most difficult to tolerate in my opinion. This is most often seen in the love bombing phase. At first someone is a massive source of both. So they may receive a huge amount of attention and we are really driven and excited to be with them, interact with them, be sexual with them. listen to them. They often become the centre of our world. But then quickly the honeymoon neurochemistry wares off and it becomes a chore just to even respond to a text message from that person. And at that point is when a ghosting most likely occurs. Though I will say I never ghost people as I abhor that behaviour. But I will become distant, passive aggresive etc. Which almlst as bad if not worse. It's the same as the way I have 8 projects on the go but all of them are just 90% complete. And Even if I try so hard to set myself up to finish that last 10 percent I just can't. Almost to the point of tears of frustration. But I can apply fervent effort if I were to start a new one. This behaviour is understandable in context of the neurochemistry. But just about the worst thing for the mental health of the partner. Especially an insecure one, who is one second the centre of the world, the next barely registered as existing. It's terrible behaviour. Though almost entirely subconscious. I'm trying my best not to allow it to happen these days. Once I realised it was happened I felt terrible for the partners of hurt in the past. Like a "oh my god what have I done", look at the metaphorical blood in my palms kind of moment. I'm sorry you are on the rough end of this krolle. I do see incomplete projects hanging about with my boyfriend, but also many stellar jobs well done. His focus helps him be successful with the things that really matters- to him or to us. For instance, when we need new gear for our adventures- the drive to obtain, repair, maintain, etc.... he makes miracles happen. I love it. The stacks of paper? Well, they are his not mine and we have a plan to organize/purge together this winter, when our travels pause and we have a little more down time. It may be that adhd partners fit better with some types than wit others. For instance, I think an AP insecure or FA even would have a hard time with the shifting focus and disappearance down a rabbit hole. I tend to get lost in my projects also, as primarily avoidant and also HSP. I go deep into my visions and plans also, and in some ways I think this is similar to adhd although I can say it is much more balanced as I've become MUCH more emotionally available. I have been irritated when he's gone missing into an endeavor- but some bumps and then great communication has that matter behind us. Understanding him, and also speaking to my need for consistency, has gone a long way and both of us are more able to have a sense of humor and awareness of the other. I like him doing his thing, I am proud of what he accomplishes and also know that it means a lot to him, it's how he ticks. As I said, I am much the same. He procrastinates. I let him experience those consequences himself from whatever it is he puts off. But I have boundaries about what we do together- or things that impact us both. And he's responsive to that. Being able to get to a place of talking about this as a problem solving couple took time, but as worth the diligence. I think he would admit that his life is smoother now. And I have grown as a partner to be a le to support and let go of judgement and "shoulds". This too comes from becoming aware of my own self and my gifts and limitations as HSP. We do what we can, and need flexibility where we struggle. While there have been conflicts about these things as we have established the relationship and discovered each other, and discovered "US", we have found compatibility. And both agree that the differences and similarities are a cool mix. We happen to be passionate about some of the same things and can practice joint or parallel attention in them happily and to an extent that other couples may not be able to sustain. After all, that's how we met- so that's been excellent. I'm a neatnik and he's a not-neat-nik 😂 Even there we can compromise. He would like some help that I am happy to provide. Again, we aren't raising kids together, we are mature partners past that stage except for my teens at home. So the dynamic doesn't seem imbalanced or like I carry too much of the load. We compliment each other in what we bring to the relationship, and what we do for each other. He fixes my car, takes us around the world. I do his laundry with mine and make our meals. Stuff like that. It all works out swimmingly haha!! |
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Post by krolle on Oct 18, 2021 3:57:24 GMT
From the perspective of a partner I would imagine the most annoying traits of ADHD are similar ones to Fearful avoidance. That is relating to Attention and motivation. And as previously discussed it's entirely possible the two things share the same neurochemistry, if not cause. It's the way both motivation and attention are all or nothing that is most difficult to tolerate in my opinion. This is most often seen in the love bombing phase. At first someone is a massive source of both. So they may receive a huge amount of attention and we are really driven and excited to be with them, interact with them, be sexual with them. listen to them. They often become the centre of our world. But then quickly the honeymoon neurochemistry wares off and it becomes a chore just to even respond to a text message from that person. And at that point is when a ghosting most likely occurs. Though I will say I never ghost people as I abhor that behaviour. But I will become distant, passive aggresive etc. Which almlst as bad if not worse. It's the same as the way I have 8 projects on the go but all of them are just 90% complete. And Even if I try so hard to set myself up to finish that last 10 percent I just can't. Almost to the point of tears of frustration. But I can apply fervent effort if I were to start a new one. This behaviour is understandable in context of the neurochemistry. But just about the worst thing for the mental health of the partner. Especially an insecure one, who is one second the centre of the world, the next barely registered as existing. It's terrible behaviour. Though almost entirely subconscious. I'm trying my best not to allow it to happen these days. Once I realised it was happened I felt terrible for the partners of hurt in the past. Like a "oh my god what have I done", look at the metaphorical blood in my palms kind of moment. I'm sorry you are on the rough end of this krolle. I do see incomplete projects hanging about with my boyfriend, but also many stellar jobs well done. His focus helps him be successful with the things that really matters- to him or to us. For instance, when we need new gear for our adventures- the drive to obtain, repair, maintain, etc.... he makes miracles happen. I love it. The stacks of paper? Well, they are his not mine and we have a plan to organize/purge together this winter, when our travels pause and we have a little more down time. It may be that adhd partners fit better with some types than wit others. For instance, I think an AP insecure or FA even would have a hard time with the shifting focus and disappearance down a rabbit hole. I tend to get lost in my projects also, as primarily avoidant and also HSP. I go deep into my visions and plans also, and in some ways I think this is similar to adhd although I can say it is much more balanced as I've become MUCH more emotionally available. I have been irritated when he's gone missing into an endeavor- but some bumps and then great communication has that matter behind us. Understanding him, and also speaking to my need for consistency, has gone a long way and both of us are more able to have a sense of humor and awareness of the other. I like him doing his thing, I am proud of what he accomplishes and also know that it means a lot to him, it's how he ticks. As I said, I am much the same. He procrastinates. I let him experience those consequences himself from whatever it is he puts off. But I have boundaries about what we do together- or things that impact us both. And he's responsive to that. Being able to get to a place of talking about this as a problem solving couple took time, but as worth the diligence. I think he would admit that his life is smoother now. And I have grown as a partner to be a le to support and let go of judgement and "shoulds". This too comes from becoming aware of my own self and my gifts and limitations as HSP. We do what we can, and need flexibility where we struggle. While there have been conflicts about these things as we have established the relationship and discovered each other, and discovered "US", we have found compatibility. And both agree that the differences and similarities are a cool mix. We happen to be passionate about some of the same things and can practice joint or parallel attention in them happily and to an extent that other couples may not be able to sustain. After all, that's how we met- so that's been excellent. I'm a neatnik and he's a not-neat-nik 😂 Even there we can compromise. He would like some help that I am happy to provide. Again, we aren't raising kids together, we are mature partners past that stage except for my teens at home. So the dynamic doesn't seem imbalanced or like I carry too much of the load. We compliment each other in what we bring to the relationship, and what we do for each other. He fixes my car, takes us around the world. I do his laundry with mine and make our meals. Stuff like that. It all works out swimmingly haha!! He is a very lucky man to be with you @introvert. And you with him. the story you told once about the two of you dancing together just about made me cry. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2021 4:49:04 GMT
Ah, thank you krolle. And see, that he dances with me spontaneously, wherever we may be. He's full of love and joy and fun. Those are the things about him that outweigh the other things. And I hope you find the girl who gets you, who appreciates you! Please make sure you appreciate your self. One thing I can say about my boyfriend is that while he carries some shame and sensitivity about traits that trip him up, or that cause conflict with others... by his age (late forties) he also seems to be comfortable and confident being his unique self. He's got some people pleasing in him, but he lives so genuinely in terms of going full speed ahead at whatever his heart desires. It's admirable, there is no quit in him and I have seen him push through very tough things with tenacity that is otherwise known as stubbornness... all of our traits have a positive and negative side. He is a competitor and does extremely well under pressure. I'm sure that there is a long list of positive traits you are expressing in your life, not just the ones you struggle with. Or maybe the ones you struggle with have an upside too. Just hoping you can appreciate your gifts.  |
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Post by krolle on Oct 18, 2021 15:14:48 GMT
Another interesting curve ball has been thrown by the universe.
I got a message from a lady I was talking to at a friend's party recently, asking me if I was single and if I woukd like to go on a date.
I'm yet to respond. Completely unsure where I stand with lady number 1 still. It was only a few days ago we were in bed together but I'v barely heard from her since.
hmmmm...
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Post by alexandra on Oct 18, 2021 17:26:08 GMT
krolle, whatever you choose to do, remember not to sabotage yourself. Treat everyone with respect and open communication. If you're in earnest trying to work through things with woman one, inadvertent triangulation won't help you. If you want to date woman two, make sure woman one doesn't believe you're exclusive. If she currently believes you are exclusive, bringing it up in order to go out with woman two will go very poorly, but it also may hasten relationship #1 in whichever direction it's going to go (towards clearer commitment or not). What do you actually want here?
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Post by annieb on Oct 18, 2021 19:43:01 GMT
Another interesting curve ball has been thrown by the universe. I got a message from a lady I was talking to at a friend's party recently, asking me if I was single and if I woukd like to go on a date. I'm yet to respond. Completely unsure where I stand with lady number 1 still. It was only a few days ago we were in bed together but I'v barely heard from her since. hmmmm... krolle - the lady number one is most likely watching you make a move of some sort to solidify your interest in her. I could be totally off base, but I don't think people (men and women) have lots of regular sex with someone and not develop some kind of feelings and attachment. If anything have the define the relationship talk with the first woman before entertaining the second. I think there is a very fine line of acting selfish vs acting with self love, when one is coming out of an insecure mindset, there will probably be some flip flopping along the way the way you feel and act, but eventually it will be less and less. I love it how we have the first hand experience here making y'all act like men with balls  . Nothing is more attractive than a man of integrity... |
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Post by krolle on Oct 18, 2021 22:15:14 GMT
krolle, whatever you choose to do, remember not to sabotage yourself. Treat everyone with respect and open communication. If you're in earnest trying to work through things with woman one, inadvertent triangulation won't help you. If you want to date woman two, make sure woman one doesn't believe you're exclusive. If she currently believes you are exclusive, bringing it up in order to go out with woman two will go very poorly, but it also may hasten relationship #1 in whichever direction it's going to go (towards clearer commitment or not). What do you actually want here? Honestly, I have had no part in lady #2's interest in me, other than simply having a good conversation with her at the party. She is pursuing, as often happens with me initially. I would like to be able to give it at least a legitimate college try with lady #1. But the problem is that I have no idea where she is at, or where I stand with her. And If I'm being honest I'm frightened to ask her to clarify because I have a strong hunch that any attempt for me to ask her for just about anything right now will give her the excuse to see me as needy and in her head an excuse to run away. The anxious side of me is not hard to see right now. I just know the experience from the other side, and any action I take which gives her nervous system the slightest hint of an obligation to me and she'll be gone for the hills faster than a rat up a drain pipe. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and I felt like I took my time in opening up and had the insight to watch out for red flags in myself and her. I was brave enough to tell her my thoughts and how I felt as trust built slowly over the last few months. And also was actively fighting my desire to withdraw and close off. And I feel like I got punished for it by her sudden withdrawal. Now I know it's not personal at all, but it stings to be brave enough fight your wounds and pop your head above the proverbial trench to have it blown off and your fears confirmed. Fearful avoidance is so cruel because it rears its ugly head only when the recieving partner becomes vulnerable. Up until recently I held enough back emotionally that If she were to end things suddenly I was still in self defence. And recently I just hit that tipping point where I really started to feel intimate with her and open my world, as is often the case with shut downs we had just had our 'best' weekend yet. And that availability was likely the critical mass for her defence to kick in. I also can't stand the thought that I might have been 'duped' once more and I feel the desire to just be alone again. To dig deeper into my mistrust. I feel like I really tried on this one and was still just as clueless to the inevitable. My already low trust in myself is diminished. I'm doing well at not drinking. And have still been exercising and trying to not implode. Which is an improvement on previous occasions. But inside, the pain and anxiety are gnawing at my soul. It's exquisitely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm in emotional limbo and her people pleasing/avoidance will not give me any kind of closure. Because she knows she would have to hurt me/ risk conflict and face the shame that she more or less used me to feel validated. I think she will choose a ghosting/slow fade out which prolongs my uncertainty and discomfort to save her own. This is all anxious conjecture of course. I might be way off. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 18, 2021 22:37:41 GMT
krolle, I wasn't trying to suggest you did anything to lead on woman #2. Just pointing out not to respond in a positive way to her if it's only a fear reaction to deal with the anxiety woman #1 is currently provoking. I understand you're scared of being honest and feeling vulnerable with woman #1. I really do, especially since I'd have done the same in all my AP years. You do know from being on all sides of this that you can't manage someone else's triggers, though. If she's going to respond to you being honest by running away, then it's inevitable that she's going to do it at some point and it happening sooner does mean less time to get further attached. I don't think anyone has tricked you here, that this means you shouldn't trust yourself, or that you shouldn't trust others if this doesn't go your way. It just means... she's not ready to fully deal with her insecurity and attachment issues and show up. That's it. And yes, it can take some amount of time of getting to know someone slowly and still ending up here a few months later. That's normal enough. You have awareness and experience now to understand what's happening, but it doesn't mean you won't have to go through a few more relationships that don't work out to get to a better place within yourself and to a relationship that does, that you're both ready for. But each time, you get better and better at emotionally processing and recovering (as you don't get bogged down by as many confusing attachment layers) and better at recognizing incompatibilities and issues earlier until you find a better fit. That doesn't mean it won't work out with woman #1. You literally don't know yet because you're assuming and projecting so much. But where does not speaking up about your needs out of fear she'll bolt actually get you? Longer limbo and more time to unfairly blame yourself and sit in your negative anxious thoughts, if it is the inevitable.
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. Nothing is more attractive than a man of integrity...