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Post by krolle on Oct 20, 2021 16:27:34 GMT
lady #1 flaked and then ended things with me via text for all the reasons I feared.
I feel gutted.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2021 16:34:03 GMT
lady #1 flaked and then ended things with me via text for all the reasons I feared. I feel gutted. I'm sorry you are experiencing this- hold tight and keep taking care of yourself through the emotional emergency. Pause. I have to go to work but I hope otherwise will be along shortly to support you. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 20, 2021 16:52:33 GMT
Oh no, krolle! So very sorry to hear that! Hold on tight and do not let this event determine anything. It’s a breakup and breakups suck, but it is just that, a break up of a relationship. It’s not a breakup of you. Be extra TLC to yourself today. What is the male version of mani, pedi and bubble bath? Do that! Get a hug from a trusted person, and be kind kind kind to yourself! We ❤️ you.
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Post by annieb on Oct 20, 2021 16:53:44 GMT
Btw coward move ending things through text at this stage. Should have been face to face, or at least a phone call.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 20, 2021 19:04:25 GMT
I'm sorry, krolle. YOU did not do anything wrong today. Please remember that. These were her issues, and she's not ready. She's not secure and it sounds like she's just started working on it, which makes the dynamic a bit inevitable until you meet another insecure who is solidly on their road to progress (or someone more secure to begin with). If she were secure enough to actually want and handle a relationship, she would have shown up to deal with this in person instead of flaking just to avoid doing it in person. Or she'd have at least never made the in person plans if she'd always intended to do it over the phone... text is unacceptable after months once you are an adult! Now you know how she is, which frankly is not an open communicator, and the horrible feelings you're feeling WILL pass. But there's a withdrawal and mourning and processing period to go through, and the fastest way to go through it is not block the feelings out or they don't get processed. I'm glad you have a therapist appointment coming up to help because you can discuss what happened and tools to process it! |
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Post by krolle on Oct 20, 2021 22:38:03 GMT
Thanks guys. I'm wavering... but hanging in there. the pain is intense.
So Far I haven't done any Anxious embarrasing things. Just grieving and hurting.
It's mostly the repeat of the wounds. almost exactly that's hard to bear.
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Post by anne12 on Oct 20, 2021 23:26:56 GMT
krolle As you can maybe guess, Im all into how you can get your power/lifeenergy back. Heres a suggestion. - If the other person ends the relationship With a text you can then call the other person and tell that you received the message. That You respect their decision, but that you just want to end things in a proper way. Or you can send an email How to work with rejection and the different attatchment styles. The desorganised can reject themselves completely, can end up in despair and can feel that they just want to die when they get rejected ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25451/How to work with rejection for hsps jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39799/Maybe you dont want a pedicure ect. but an epson salt bath can be a good thing. An epson salt bath / foot bath is also for men. A bath/drinking magnesium powder clears the energy field, has a calming effect on the nerveussystem, relaxes the muscles and can help you to get a good nights sleep ect. And we absorb magnesium through our skin. An hsp/trauma coach (from Hawaii) suggests that you also drink magnesium powder while taking an epson saltbath. Magnesium is also very important for people with hsp, adhd, as they can have a tendency to lack magnesium and other vitamins and Minerals. Actually a WHO study has shown that over 75% of adult Americans are in deficit, which has implications for both muscle, inflammation, stress, sleep and nervous system. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41149/If you got rsd then maybe someone who is neurodivergent or your therapist got some good tips for you.
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Post by krolle on Oct 21, 2021 2:03:16 GMT
Thankyou guys. I don't really get much out of most self care routines the same way I think women might. I'm not sure how to self soothe at all. I'll read some of those links you sent. Thankyou.
But I noticed I'm really cold and shivering. So I put extra blankets on and got into bed. It feels somewhat nice to be warm.
I'm so tired and cold.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 2:19:35 GMT
Thankyou guys. I don't really get much out of most self care routines the same way I think women might. I'm not sure how to self soothe at all. I'll read some of those links you sent. Thankyou. But I noticed I'm really cold and shivering. So I put extra blankets on and got into bed. It feels somewhat nice to be warm. I'm so tired and cold. Easy does it, and there you go- it's the little things like tucking in warm and resting. What a crap thing. But you will pull through better than you think, and with new knowledge about this dating thing. I believe it. Dating is hard as an insecure. But you're really growing. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 21, 2021 12:48:19 GMT
Thankyou for the support guys.
I do have question now I'm trying to process things in terms of AT.
Would A DA ever be likely to display people pleasing behaviour?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 13:03:35 GMT
Thankyou for the support guys. I do have question now I'm trying to process things in terms of AT. Would A DA ever be likely to display people pleasing behaviour? Yes. Absolutely. My friends and i have talked about this concerning dating. The feel/motivation behind this has been one or a combo of these things: 1) not wanting to hurt someone's feelings 2) not knowing how to identify and assert what we really feel/need/want 3) Avoiding angry confrontations because they are painful and trigger our own shame and lead nowhere helpful 4) Not knowing what to do (questioning whether we are selves are reasonable in our perceptions) All the basic insecure stuff. It can also be seen as placating. I think all unsecures do this to some degree out of fear/confusion/the conditioning. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 13:34:39 GMT
Wanted to add, this behavior is not really about maintaining the connection as I think it is with AP. It's about avoidance and wanting to maintain peace. It typically cannot be sustained and precedes exit. In the collective experience of those I know.
As stated in the healing thread DA do also have a lot of interpersonal stress and unmet dependency needs. This is an area that stress really shows up.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2021 17:26:18 GMT
Wanted to add, this behavior is not really about maintaining the connection as I think it is with AP. It's about avoidance and wanting to maintain peace. It typically cannot be sustained and precedes exit. In the collective experience of those I know. As stated in the healing thread DA do also have a lot of interpersonal stress and unmet dependency needs. This is an area that stress really shows up. But it doesn't maintain peace...it is strictly avoidance of conflict..straight up and it is only for the benefit of the person who is in the avoiding position. And by avoiding...it pulls inward and becomes less about "us" or even "you" and more about "me". That is how I have experienced it at least. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 17:32:33 GMT
Wanted to add, this behavior is not really about maintaining the connection as I think it is with AP. It's about avoidance and wanting to maintain peace. It typically cannot be sustained and precedes exit. In the collective experience of those I know. As stated in the healing thread DA do also have a lot of interpersonal stress and unmet dependency needs. This is an area that stress really shows up. But it doesn't maintain peace...it is strictly avoidance of conflict..straight up and it is only for the benefit of the person who is in the avoiding position. And by avoiding...it pulls inward and becomes less about "us" or even "you" and more about "me". That is how I have experienced it at least. Are any of the insecure strategies otherwise really? I think it's been well established that insecure strategies are self focused. Not that there is malice, just immature and (emotional) survival based strategies for relating. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 17:56:05 GMT
Wanted to add, this behavior is not really about maintaining the connection as I think it is with AP. It's about avoidance and wanting to maintain peace. It typically cannot be sustained and precedes exit. In the collective experience of those I know. As stated in the healing thread DA do also have a lot of interpersonal stress and unmet dependency needs. This is an area that stress really shows up. But it doesn't maintain peace...it is strictly avoidance of conflict..straight up and it is only for the benefit of the person who is in the avoiding position. And by avoiding...it pulls inward and becomes less about "us" or even "you" and more about "me". That is how I have experienced it at least. Did you read the sentence I wrote about this behavior being about avoidance? Again, it's been well established that avoidance strategies are maladaptive. Maintaining peace is avoidance of conflict in this context and I don't know if you understand that is the point of this post. |
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