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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2021 19:51:14 GMT
But it doesn't maintain peace...it is strictly avoidance of conflict..straight up and it is only for the benefit of the person who is in the avoiding position. And by avoiding...it pulls inward and becomes less about "us" or even "you" and more about "me". That is how I have experienced it at least. Did you read the sentence I wrote about this behavior being about avoidance? Again, it's been well established that avoidance strategies are maladaptive. Maintaining peace is avoidance of conflict in this context and I don't know if you understand that is the point of this post. Maybe it would be better to put "the illusion of maintaining peace" because when these strategies were used by individuals I was dating, it was simply closing the door to dialogue...it did not feel like it was maintaining anything. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 20:09:45 GMT
Did you read the sentence I wrote about this behavior being about avoidance? Again, it's been well established that avoidance strategies are maladaptive. Maintaining peace is avoidance of conflict in this context and I don't know if you understand that is the point of this post. Maybe it would be better to put "the illusion of maintaining peace" because when these strategies were used by individuals I was dating, it was simply closing the door to dialogue...it did not feel like it was maintaining anything. I'm sorry, I think I was fairly clear on pointing out that this is an avoidant strategy (and all insecure strategies involve illusion). I do not believe an avoidant strategy can go hand in hand with healthy relating, so didn't feel the need to point out anything further with that sentence. I also wrote that it is unsustainable and proceeds and exit- so the implications of such a strategy seem clear to me at least. I will continue to express myself the best I can and if my posts are somehow triggering to you because of your past dating experience, please feel free to disregard. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 21, 2021 20:12:01 GMT
Maybe it would be better to put "the illusion of maintaining peace" because when these strategies were used by individuals I was dating, it was simply closing the door to dialogue...it did not feel like it was maintaining anything. I'm sorry, I think I was fairly clear on pointing out that this is an avoidant strategy (and all insecure strategies involve illusion). I do not believe an avoidant strategy can go hand in hand with healthy relating, so didn't feel the need to point out anything further with that sentence. I also wrote that it is unsustainable and proceeds and exit- so the implications of such a strategy seem clear to me at least. I will continue to express myself the best I can and if my posts are somehow triggering to you because of your past dating experience, please feel free to disregard. I was simply adding context for others for whom that may not have been clear. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 21, 2021 20:50:54 GMT
In my latest sampling of the avoidant menu I have been "downgraded".
She messaged saying she still wants to be friends and hang out.
....Facepalm
My candid interpretation of that is "I want to sleep with other people (and probably already am) But I'm too scared to completely lose you or even admit it, so I'll keep you on the backburner just in case"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 20:54:56 GMT
In my latest sampling of the avoidant menu I have been "downgraded". She messaged saying she still wants to be friends and hang out. ....Facepalm My candid interpretation of that is "I want to sleep with other people (and probably already am) But I'm too scared to completely lose you or even admit it, so I'll keep you on the backburner just in case" I've never understood why people think they can get away with this! I hope you told her No Thanks! Sorry you're going through it! |
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Post by krolle on Oct 21, 2021 21:33:06 GMT
In my latest sampling of the avoidant menu I have been "downgraded". She messaged saying she still wants to be friends and hang out. ....Facepalm My candid interpretation of that is "I want to sleep with other people (and probably already am) But I'm too scared to completely lose you or even admit it, so I'll keep you on the backburner just in case" I've never understood why people think they can get away with this! I hope you told her No Thanks! Sorry you're going through it! I can't really take the high road. I'v done it enough times in the past. And it's disheartening to know that she's likely feeling little remorse or understanding for my pain. I rarely did. I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine. I'm also ashamed I drank a bit today. I'm unable to control the anxiety. As it comes and goes in waves, the peaks are all but intolerable. |
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sorgin
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Post by sorgin on Oct 21, 2021 21:36:51 GMT
I am sorry this ended up like that. It is very unmature from her to end things the way she did, but looks like you're doing fine. It is hard when AP kick in but you also know you'll be ok soon  When I get disapointed by someone's behaviour I focus on it telling myself how lucky I am as that behaviour popped up early on and didn't waste my energies. It makes the break-up stage easier, it is like telling my brain "you thought she was so perfect for you, but she wasn't after all", but I don't know whether it might be an insecure way (avoidant?) to deal with it so I don't want to misguide anyone with bad advice. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 21, 2021 22:08:56 GMT
I also dont know why it's coming up now..... But I had completely forgetten this memory.
I remember my mom saying she wanted to kill herself when I was about 10 years old and wondering what I could do to try help.
Maybe I had a rougher time with my parents than I remember.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 22:40:34 GMT
I also dont know why it's coming up now..... But I had completely forgetten this memory. I remember my mom saying she wanted to kill herself when I was about 10 years old and wondering what I could do to try help. Maybe I had a rougher time with my parents than I remember. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible. How sad and frightening. So things are coming to the surface for you it seems. That process for me was painful as well. I'm glad you're in therapy for support. And I get the shame at having used alcohol to medicate, but try to be gentle with yourself. Your brain and body are screaming for something and you don't have it sorted yet what will be most effective. Awareness is helpful even if the acting out hasn't stopped. It's all a process. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2021 22:41:25 GMT
I've never understood why people think they can get away with this! I hope you told her No Thanks! Sorry you're going through it! I can't really take the high road. I'v done it enough times in the past. And it's disheartening to know that she's likely feeling little remorse or understanding for my pain. I rarely did. I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine. I'm also ashamed I drank a bit today. I'm unable to control the anxiety. As it comes and goes in waves, the peaks are all but intolerable. Ah, I see. Probably most of us got a taste of our own medicine at some point- it's bitter but informative. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 22, 2021 0:00:55 GMT
I also dont know why it's coming up now..... But I had completely forgetten this memory. I remember my mom saying she wanted to kill herself when I was about 10 years old and wondering what I could do to try help. Maybe I had a rougher time with my parents than I remember. Omg, I’m so sorry! That’s a messed up thing to do to a child dependent on you. It is all coming out and together. Makes sense that this memory was repressed until now; the abandonment was activated with this woman, but you were already so aware and on your way to health that the memory popped up to remind you why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and now you’re on your way to forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for the drinking, but maybe think of another soothing technique you could use in addition. Maybe music, guided meditation. Deep breathing. Agree with introvert that therapy is great right now as you will be able to work through all this in therapy and the therapist will be there to catch you. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 22, 2021 1:39:07 GMT
I also dont know why it's coming up now..... But I had completely forgetten this memory. I remember my mom saying she wanted to kill herself when I was about 10 years old and wondering what I could do to try help. Maybe I had a rougher time with my parents than I remember. Overcoupling at its finest. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you may be starting to remember things like that and exploring what the anxiety is telling you because you're more ready to try to confront it and deal with it than you've been in the past. That is a good thing! There's hope that some more healing is somewhere on your horizon. |
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Post by krolle on Oct 22, 2021 10:29:55 GMT
Thankyou for the sympathy. Yeah there's obviously a lot to unpack that's slowly revealing itself.
Regarding this current situation I think it's the confusion that's really got me just kind of stuck in rumination.
I can't work out what reality is. In the past it has been easy enough to get closure because there's been a major event or argument or betrayal or something. Or a series of fights. There's a definate end. which is painful, sure. But it's a defined end with visible rhyme and reason.
This one it was just like one week we were going really well, the next she was just basically absent.
She has messaged me since a few times saying that she's no longer comfortable having a sexual relationship with me without the commitment and has been feeling weird about it. But I asked her if she would feel different if commitment was on the table and she was a little vague about the response. But then sort of sheepishly said yes.
But we just had a lot of sex last week, and she initiated it! saying it was just what she needed. I'm totally confused at this point.
My brain can't interpret it as any other way than she just met someone else and can't face the guilt of it, so is kind of phasing me out. The sex excuse seems weird considering she often initiates or wants to stay at my place at late hours.
She's also been texting me quiet a bit since the "downgrade"/psuedo end"
There's a part of me that just wants to get clarity from her. But I feel like I will really struggle to anything clear and honest. I feel in limbo.
I'm not sure what's just a test/deactivation/done with things etc
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2021 13:16:49 GMT
Thankyou for the sympathy. Yeah there's obviously a lot to unpack that's slowly revealing itself. Regarding this current situation I think it's the confusion that's really got me just kind of stuck in rumination. I can't work out what reality is. In the past it has been easy enough to get closure because there's been a major event or argument or betrayal or something. Or a series of fights. There's a definate end. which is painful, sure. But it's a defined end with visible rhyme and reason. This one it was just like one week we were going really well, the next she was just basically absent. She has messaged me since a few times saying that she's no longer comfortable having a sexual relationship with me without the commitment and has been feeling weird about it. But I asked her if she would feel different if commitment was on the table and she was a little vague about the response. But then sort of sheepishly said yes. But we just had a lot of sex last week, and she initiated it! saying it was just what she needed. I'm totally confused at this point. My brain can't interpret it as any other way than she just met someone else and can't face the guilt of it, so is kind of phasing me out. The sex excuse seems weird considering she often initiates or wants to stay at my place at late hours. She's also been texting me quiet a bit since the "downgrade"/psuedo end" There's a part of me that just wants to get clarity from her. But I feel like I will really struggle to anything clear and honest. I feel in limbo. I'm not sure what's just a test/deactivation/done with things etc She sounds like she doesn’t honestly know what she wants….have you ever discussed these mixed signals she is giving? She may not even be aware that she is doing it. Bottom line….her indecisive/mixed signals is not healthy for you. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 22, 2021 15:05:03 GMT
Send her this text: “I want you to be my girlfriend.”
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