Here we go again.

I agree…it is also important to be able to see her reaction instead of trying to guess at it as you would if it was done via text.

I kinda liked the ballsy approach lol.

I will agree my wishy washiness is contributing to many problems in my life. including this one. it's usually out of confusion. If I have clarity I can usually be pretty decisive and determined. But relationship problems are rarely clear cut.

I will see if she will meet over coffee or something to at least gain clarity.

Since she flaked last time he made plans, which is why they're doing this on text, I'd suggest texting to make in person plans again but telling her why. Ie, I'd like to get coffee with you to discuss being in a committed relationship more seriously. She sounds FA and doesn't like the confusion and inconsistency just as much as you don't, krolle. Though in my opinion and experience, once these communication failures and downgrading and blindsiding situations start, these relationships generally never recover. There's lots of reasons for it that are very complicated and need both sides working hard on it to fix, which is rarely going to happen after just a few months and never being fully committed in the first place. So I think you'll do better for yourself by moving on instead, but I also understand if you want to explore and see what's going to happen. Good luck

I'd be VERY wary of getting hooked on drama here. And, question the appropriateness of pursuing a relationship with someone who has demonstrated such inconsistency- it ought to be a red flag not a green light.

It's one thing to pursue clarity, another to ignore what's already happened in pursuit of that clarity. What someone demonstrates from the beginning is indicative of their capacity to have a healthy dating relationship. That goes both ways.

I'm not saying just drop it all but keep your eyes wide open to how destabilizing this has been, so far. That doesn't bode well. It can however be very informative in bringing things to the surface for you to take care of, and it provides opportunities for you to be authentic in new ways.

Easy does it though, dating shouldn't make you feel sick and desperate. I hope you are getting good rest and eating well, taking care of the basics is grounding .

I think there's a lot to be said about eventually getting to a point where a person can recognize an attachment drama dynamic is happening and can walk away before it's a full fledged relationship or attachment, deep in unmet needs and frustrating back and forth. However, part of getting there may be finally going through the situation for the first time (or first few times) with awareness. While getting to secure for me took a lot of time and concerted effort when I was single, I don't know that it would have happened without going through multiple relationship reconciliation cycles with my FA ex once I was determined to figured out what was really going on in my repetitive dating life. I'd been through anxious/avoidant attachment devastation plenty of times before but never with a primary focus on self instead of other, so experiencing that and understanding both of our sides, how the dynamic came together, and how it really didn't work for either of us and why -- that eventually evolved my entire perception of relationships to be a lot more healthy. All the research and life changes I was doing on my end were a huge part of being able to learn to process and digest, but working it out in a real life situation (and trying different responses which eventually got me to knowing when walking away was healthier) was part of it as well. So while I needed all the dating breaks, there's also value in seeing something through if you're already involved and are in a mindset to learn from it instead of falling back into overwhelmed responses and blanket distrust.

That's why, even though I don't have high hopes that this particular situation will work out as a long-term romantic relationship, I think pretty much anything krolle decides to do (besides mindlessly repeating patterns) will have a good outcome. Even if it's painful in the moment. And that it's important to contextualize nothing he's experiencing seems wildly off from typical attachment untangling and there's nothing shameful about continuing to pursue this or not at this point.

Though I also think that if pursued, once everything's been clearly communicated and put on the table, in person, whatever decision she makes from there should be respected and met with consistency and appropriate boundaries. Like, if she says no (or doesn't show up at all), then that's it for now. No letting her downgrade you to be a friend or saying no but continuing to reach out to you. Pursuing isn't about indefinitely trying to keep an ailing connection alive, which is something I didn't always recognize I was doing when I was textbook AP.

In this process there is no failure if you have learned something and tried new approaches.

I just wanted to take the time to give you a big thankyou for the support.

I have been really overwhelmed....for many reasons...but on this occasion I am specifically talking about the support.

I very much value it.

I also wanted to point out (partially to myself) how much less of a state I am in than the last time this happened. On previous similar occasions I have been at the bottom of a bottle for a month or more. Self isolated and utterly confused and hopeless.

This time I have only drunk the one time in several weeks of triggered anxiety. And that was just a few beers. I have reached out to you guys, reached out and been accompanied by friends IRL almost every day. I have been continuing my work outs, eating decently and participating in my hobbies. Doing therapy and am starting medication soon.

If my life were a book this chapter would be called 'revelations'. And I'm happy you people on this forum are playing interesting support characters to the plot. and hopefully I might have offered at least the odd tid bit of help to your own stories. Even if it's just in the form of comic relief at the sorry state of my affairs.

I agree with alexandra that at least for me, dating has been a very painful but most likely necessary process to go through. Without these heart aches I would not have learned half the things I have. Even if I cannot yet apply them or seem to control myself. There are things I would not go back and change.
A big example is compassion, empathy and honesty. I have been a mostly avoidantly manifested FA in relationships for years. And I could not empathize with the pain I caused. I was absolutely oblivious to the fact I was causing so much pain, or that I could even have such an effect on someone. Since becoming aware and experiencing some of the anxious side I can understand the pain. I have more compassion for many of my exes than I ever have. Especially the BPD ones. whom I initially just denounced as crazy. People at work have commented that I seem to take up more space lately. And I feel more ok that it's ok for me to take up space. And I lie at least 90% less than I used to. I know myself a little better.

I'm still a mess lol. And will no doubt swing back and forth wildly even as this current 'situationship' rips my nervous system around. But there are glimmers of momentum. Whether I can sustain the right direction remains to be seen.