|
|
Post by alexandra on May 3, 2023 20:32:25 GMT
seeking. You didn't want long distance to begin with then, so this situation was always a low stakes unavailable one from the start. It was a mismatch right away, even if he reached out first. I don't think you need to make an announcement. If you really must, say you've enjoyed talking to him but need to focus on other things and are not going to have time to write for the foreseeable future. That's really it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 3, 2023 20:37:10 GMT
seeking all the things you've done to improve your wellbeing sound great, and it sounds like you've got some things to look forward to. It will be nice to be free from a meaningless pen pal connection, perhaps. I agree with alexandra that it doesn't need much in the way of announcement.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 3, 2023 22:04:39 GMT
seeking, I am sorry that I projected my own experiences onto you. Reading that again, especially that last paragraph shows the nasty side of the fearful in FA, and as was said further up the thread, if my reaction is disproportionate, there’s more going on. With regards to the bloke, I think it’s quite reasonable to let go and stop communicating. You get the choice of who is in your life, in the most part. I find being friends with potentials or previous takes it out of me, even years after. I know I’m supposed to be more mature and have multi faceted relationships, but I find it difficult. While I understand what it’s trying to convey, I’m not a fan of the whole female/male energy thing. In today’s society, we’re told it’s all up for grabs, and the truth is that what needs to be done to keep society going still needs to be done as before, we have the luxury now of choosing who does what. I was at home with my daughter for over 2 years, for example. No regrets. My ex-wife has far more earning capacity than I do because of decisions she made. She also has far more free time because of those same decisions. Me, I’ll be working stupid hours for as long as my body will let me, because of my own decisions. I guess that’s what all this has uncovered in me. Resentment that when he came along, the luxury of a conventional relationship with all this unspoken stuff happened. That masculinity was something desirable and not to be repressed. I was out of home by that stage. Ouch. There’s some stuff to work on there.
|
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2023 22:58:50 GMT
"While I understand what it’s trying to convey, I’m not a fan of the whole female/male energy thing. In today’s society, we’re told it’s all up for grabs, and the truth is that what needs to be done to keep society going still needs to be done as before, we have the luxury now of choosing who does what. I was at home with my daughter for over 2 years, for example. No regrets. My ex-wife has far more earning capacity than I do because of decisions she made. She also has far more free time because of those same decisions. Me, I’ll be working stupid hours for as long as my body will let me, because of my own decisions." mrob I can completely understand this sentiment because I try to be a very independent person and don't like this idea of having to be less than. What I've come to realize though that the feminine/masculine thing can be more of a short hand of describing a dynamic. It may just be more accurate of me to say I want a grown ass adult as a partner. But due to how I can be very dominant, controlling etc, I end up with really soft partners. In order to balance that dynamic I have to learn to take a step back and be a bit softer. Let the man step up and be an adult and if he won't then move on. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 23:19:41 GMT
When I think about my secure friends and their relationships…it is a balance…..it isn’t the masculine man and the feminine female…it both in both depending on the situation and their individual strengths.
|
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 23:21:55 GMT
It probably doesn't matter much, but I do feel like he'd be pretty surprised if I just up and disappeared. He doesn't seem to have a clear read on the situation - i.e., keeps pursuing despite my making no attempt to meet. I just want to put the guy out of his misery at this point, but not sure how to say it. But I guess saying "Good luck with your visits. I'm going to be focusing on a, b, c and may not have time to write for the foreseeable future." But I guess I can leave it at that?
I've not written back before, and inevitably I still get an email. He's a nice enough guy that I feel like he deserves something in the way of my intention being clear.
|
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 23:46:11 GMT
When I think about my secure friends and their relationships…it is a balance…..it isn’t the masculine man and the feminine female…it both in both depending on the situation and their individual strengths. I thought so too and this is a really new concept for me that I'm trying on; despite it being very unpopular here  I have come to like it more and more. I've read a lot about it and feel like it makes sense. But I'm also not "married" to it. Just aiming more for that as an ideal. Even a renowned attachment psychologist I follow talks about it as a dance - how one partner is down and the other takes over for a while or leads and vice versa, and I appreciate that. But I think as a general "flavor" - I'm looking for a man comfortable in a more masculine role -- and have realized I never had that modeled, and rarely have that in relationships - the one time years back was with a European guy --it's still a bit uncomfortable. But I'm working on being more open to receiving -- even just in other realms. And practicing being in my own feminine energy. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 4, 2023 0:10:15 GMT
I put it to you that you like the idea of it. The reality is a surrender of autonomy to get the benefits you highlight. Could you handle that?
I made the choice to be a father to my daughter after separation. I’ll never recover financially. I still cannot work “normally” like others in my industry. That’s the reality. That’s equality. Same choices, same results. One goes up, the other goes down.
|
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 4, 2023 0:32:12 GMT
Meet in person if he's open to those things and you seem to be able to have a conversation without him seeming too weird to you. -- I agree with all you said, except I can't seem to get over the weird part. I am stuck there. It's either an "excuse" for avoidance or ... but I think it really is that he's odd. And I have tried to dismiss his oddness over and over and can't. |
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 4, 2023 0:39:30 GMT
This makes sense. I don't know if I'm acting on these same fears. My fears are more wasting my time - even if it's just a day. I never have that day to go, hey why don't I let this guy drive 3 hours to come see a community I created that has since fallen apart while he checks me out as a prospective partner but all under the guise of wanting to see the community I created. And then I can sort of not really be my self and then spend my whole day like that. I just never can finally agree to that. So I don't know what it is but that's as best as I can put it. As far as what you're describing here, though, it makes me sound rather FA, I think, right? I am fine with that b/c I'm pretty sure I am. I don't know about connecting with emotionally unhealthy people, though. I really don't anymore. |
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 4, 2023 0:40:46 GMT
I put it to you that you like the idea of it. The reality is a surrender of autonomy to get the benefits you highlight. Could you handle that? Yet to be proven! And thanks for what you said in your earlier post, but again no need to apologize, just appreciate you catching yourself and owning what is yours -- and what you've been through. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 4, 2023 1:03:31 GMT
I doubt most Western women could. That’s why men who are comfortable in that position go elsewhere for wives. The wives are no pushovers either, mind you. They behave culturally appropriately.
I suppose it just stinks to be told masculinity is toxic, then find that it works. To have squandered the advantage of innate confidence needlessly, then acting on the framework being obsolete and finding out that was a big lie too. This realisation isn’t only a result of right here, right now. My mother acquiesced, the woman that got me here did the same, which was a real surprise, then the last three women I’ve dated it’s come out. So, it’s no fad.
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on May 4, 2023 1:14:34 GMT
mrob personally I absolutely do not get the masculine / feminine energy thing at all. I don't think traditional masculinity is universally appealing to women. To me, it is weird and archaic. I do not want to be treated as subservient to my partner, which is what it seems like it would mean. I also associate traditional masculinity with emotional unavailability (huge turnoff). I guess the ultimate appeal of this for women is being taken care of? Can't men contribute to a relationship and be nurturing without being traditionally masculine?
|
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 4, 2023 1:16:28 GMT
This realisation isn’t only a result of right here, right now. My mother acquiesced, the woman that got me here did the same, which was a real surprise, then the last three women I’ve dated it’s come out. So, it’s no fad. What did your mom acquiesce to? What did the woman who got you here do? And in the last 3 women you dated, what came out? Sorry just not clear. |
|
|
|
Post by seeking on May 4, 2023 1:18:40 GMT
|
|
I have come to like it more and more. I've read a lot about it and feel like it makes sense. But I'm also not "married" to it. Just aiming more for that as an ideal.