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Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 1:17:37 GMT
This is pretty vulnerable.
Many of you may remember the guy I met online who I never met in person. And still haven't.
Emailed for a year and talked on Zoom.
He's asked me ten zillion times to come visit.
In the meantime, now he just regular tells me about his visits with "friends." (He is big into the site we met on since it's a specific interest). The site we met on formed local "chapters" or groups or something and he tells me that he runs one. Why does this bother me so much? I want to get OFF dating sites, have nothing to do with singles meets. Certainly not make it my life.
Yes he was married for a billion years, etc. I get that this is more fascinating and interesting to him than someone like me - a single parent, 51, never been married, want to be, looking for intimacy, connection, secure relationship.
Anyway, his last email did it for me. I'm done. And I'm okay with that. I'm glad I trusted my instincts about him. But basically I want to a) tell him and b) understand why a part of me wanted to lash out at him.
So he is flying around the country meeting "friends" and tells me what these friends are doing - oh, this one is building a house and I'm going back to see the progress made. And this one is starting a new non-profit. He's really a dorky guy. He's not having sex with these people! I think if anything he's playing it safe and saying "Hey, let's meet and talk about the state of the world" and maybe if something comes of it, great. And that's what he's doing with me. He's like, "So yeah, I'd love to come visit and see the community you created."
And I got so completely irritated about that. This part inside me was like eff you. I'm not some sociological research project on display.
I've also been having a lot of trouble with the community I created and am actually leaving it - there are several that he's referring to. But if he was taking the time to get to know ME and interested in personal details not just like objective me in some larger sense, he'd know that.
He goes on to say, "Well, I got things to where I'm working from home, kids are grown and independent, yard work is sourced out, and dusting takes 1 hour a week." Who says that? And good for you. So you're basically living a bachelor's life and that's interesting to me, why?
I've repeatedly told him I'm looking for a relationship and not a friend. I'm not interested in a dude who is eager to downsize his life to one hour of dusting a week and traveling to meet "friends" because they're all doing such interesting things.
I guess my wanting to attack him is just my continued wounding over being alone, feeling unsupported, wondering when I'll finally get to meet my guy. Wondering if intimacy is even a real thing. Fearing that I'll just end up meeting late 50s guys like him who aren't looking to be a provider or supporter or help raise a kid and I'm on my own and we're together based on interests - yuck. I'm done.
And also, on a practical note. How do I tell him I'm done without lashing out?
Again, this is raw. I'm just observing these parts of me (not totally merged with them) -- but any other insights welcome.
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Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2023 2:42:00 GMT
I'm confused, is the site you met on a dating site or just for people with a specific interest? Is it possible you are telling yourself a narrative here, that could have a different explanation? I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, just maybe the story behind them could use some perspective?
I felt like you wrote this guy off a long time ago, so am surprised you are still corresponding. Is there a reason you continue to email without meeting?
I don't actually see a problem with any of his actions. From my point of view he is sharing his adventures with you. I also don't see any issue with not getting super involved with someone until you met them? You are not meeting him so perhaps from his point of view he doesn't want to let himself get closer because if someone was putting off meeting me after I had requested this, I would start to have reservations myself and perhaps keep things at a higher level.
"Well, I got things to where I'm working from home, kids are grown and independent, yard work is sourced out, and dusting takes 1 hour a week." Maybe there is some humble bragging going on here, but maybe he is also proud of himself that he has his life in order and stable? Or just he wants to share with you? or hey I am a stable grown ass adult who takes care of stuff, *nudge nudge, wink wink*
I think you are right that you are attacking him out of your wounding. I read almost a level of jealousy in your writing, how dare you have such an easy and light life that you can just flit around when I have responsibilities and duties to take care of.
How do you know he isn't looking to have a serious relationship with the right person and just isn't in a hurry to jump into something?
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Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 2:57:18 GMT
Is it really him you are mad at? Or are you (in some way) projecting anger that you have at yourself for sticking it out this long and not getting what you wanted? I only ask because if I feel more angry then a situation realistically calls for…there is usually something deeper going on and it is usually something about me or it is dredging up something from my past that is still unresolved.
What I am reading from what you are saying about him is that he is treating you more like a friend with a common interest and that isn’t what you want. It explains why he is sharing things about his life and the friends he is seeing…and it seems all of that is simply rubbing you the wrong way. Part of the issue with talking to people via texts and zoom is that…there isn’t an opportunity to see a person’s body language. Facial expressions alone can be misinterpreted without the cues from the rest of the body. He is also likely missing verbal cues from you even though from your perspective you have made those pretty clear.
If it were me, I would have a zoom chat and explain that you are pursuing other interests and leaving the community. And as you are both no longer sharing the interest that introduced you to each other, you want to end the friendship on good terms. I don’t think anything else is really required. But I would speak calmly to him…because there isn’t anything to gain by telling him to pound sand.
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Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 3:01:37 GMT
Username, this is a really helpful reframe. I'll give it some thought. That's why I said what I was posting was raw, b/c I got stuck on it.
But I think the outstanding impression (fear?) is that he doesn't want to really get to know me deep down. He flits around and keeps things light with people and seems to observe them from a distance.
But is it wrong that I'd be looking more for someone who is a provider type/protector type than an "equal partner" -- maybe my fear is that he'll see all my stuff as a burden. My house takes freaking hours to clean. I'm raising a teen. I have health issues and trauma that I'm addressing. My life isn't wrapped up in a neat little bow right now. And I'm not trying to present it as such.
I guess I can't see the interest on his end and yes, perhaps that is my wounding and fearful-avoidance as well. But also a pretty practical assessment, I think.
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Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 3:03:22 GMT
Or are you (in some way) projecting anger that you have at yourself for sticking it out this long and not getting what you wanted? Yes, this is what it feels like to me. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 3:09:46 GMT
Or are you (in some way) projecting anger that you have at yourself for sticking it out this long and not getting what you wanted? Yes, this is what it feels like to me. I understand…and I think the best way to address this is to actually treat yourself to something kind and self indulgent…..because I know that I can hold myself to some yardstick of perfection and knowledge that I tend to fall short from. Navigating through needs and wants with someone you only have an online connection with must be challenging…..so give yourself some grace for making the “best decision in the moment with the information you had at the time”. |
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Post by seeking on May 3, 2023 3:11:34 GMT
I am looking for someone comfortable in a traditional male role -- provider, protector, father-figure. I'm longing to be in a softer, more feminine energy as I have been in a ton of masculine energy for so long - fighting in court, being the provider, doing all the things, being the mom and the dad. And the "village," all at once.
I don't think I envy his lifestyle. I had that lifestyle before my daughter. I will have it again, likely, when she is launched. I don't get the impression (from his pride of having to dust an hour a week and his excitement at flying around to meet random people) (that does not appeal to me at all right now) that my life is appealing or something he'd want to be a part of.
It begs the question, which I've asked before, why we stay connected. He says he's felt a "warmth" with me, and it's unique and wants to explore it. I don't know how he can feel a warmth when we've barely ever talked more interpersonally - i.e., about feelings. He's told me perfunctorily about his kids, sent photos of his family, but it's always like someone writing a news story - "And all enjoyed themselves." Like something from a distance, there's no connection to it. So yes, I stuck it out thinking something would change and it hasn't. And now I'm "Stop wasting my time." But I don't want to be mean. And I do want to tend to my own wound for my own sake. (The wound being something like "No one wants to truly get to know me.")
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Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 3:16:33 GMT
I am looking for someone comfortable in a traditional male role -- provider, protector, father-figure. I'm longing to be in a softer, more feminine energy as I have been in a ton of masculine energy for so long - fighting in court, being the provider, doing all the things, being the mom and the dad. And the "village," all at once. I don't think I envy his lifestyle. I had that lifestyle before my daughter. I will have it again, likely, when she is launched. I don't get the impression from his pride of having to dust an hour a week and his excitement at flying around to meet random people (that does not appeal to me at all right now) that my life is appealing or something he'd want to be a part of. It begs the questions, which I've asked before, why we stay connected. He says he's felt a "warmth" with me, and it's unique and wants to explore it. I don't know how he can feel a warmth when we've barely ever talked more interpersonally - i.e., about feelings. He's told me perfunctorily about his kids, sent photos of his family, but it's always like someone writing a news story - "And all enjoyed themselves." Like something from a distance, there's no connection to it. So yes, I stuck it out thinking something would change and it hasn't. And now I'm "Stop wasting my time." But I don't want to be mean. And I do want to tend to my own wound for my own sake. (The wound being something like "No one wants to truly get to know me.") What is preventing a meeting in person? I know sparks online would be fabulous…..but perhaps he is waiting to meet you first…..just a thought…. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 3, 2023 3:22:44 GMT
I completely understand wanting someone in a traditional male role, of wanting to be safe to just let go, and they take care of things for once. I know I struggle with dropping down into my feminine energy to let men do this. I've been told a few times they want to do this, but I simply don't provide them the opportunity to do so. I can totally see why you think what do you about his lifestyle and yours not being compatible. I mean it makes sense that if he so comfy why would he want to uproot everything. But again, you've never met or explored this so it's hard. I also get why him saying he feels "warmth" when you don't feel that same level of connection could make you feel unseen and maybe projected upon? Like ARE YOU ACTUALLY SEEING ME?!? Type of response or are you seeing who you think I am. But again online only is dangerous for that. I like tnr9 suggestion of doing something nice for yourself and just accept that you are navigating this with the tools you have available and it isn't working out the way you wanted and that is sad. But I also don't see the harm in meeting him, provided you feel you have the emotional energy to navigate something long distance and then it will be a HUGE life change for both of you and not for the faint of heart. My longest relationship was 2 years long distance before ending up together and I actually enjoyed the extended courting and space to live my own life. It really took some of the pressure off and I knew he was really in it for me, because it certainly wasn't easy, and isn't for everyone and if you don't have a huge amount of extra bandwidth could just be something you can't accommodate right now. edit: sorry it's been a long day and I think my writing has gone. I will also say, are you perhaps looking for a stronger sense from him because it would feel safer if he was all enthusiastic and you were different and special? You don't want to just be another "friend" on his list of people to visit, because then it's more vulnerable if you are really into him and he isn't as into you and it fizzles out? |
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2023 3:40:32 GMT
How interested is he supposed to be in someone who won't meet him in person?
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Post by mrob on May 3, 2023 8:37:02 GMT
Sorry in advance. This is going to be rough.
As an almost 50 year old man, I couldn’t imagine wanting a role like you’re after. Why should you get to slow down and take your feet off the pedals, regardless of the hard time you’ve had, and expect me to fill your void when I’ve been pedalling my own pedals forever?
My experience is that most men my age who have been through divorce are very unlikely to want that again.
I’ve seen this time and again through dating. Middle aged women still looking for the Prince, the fairytale. The same stuff they were looking for in their 20s, and frankly, it boggles me.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2023 11:32:06 GMT
Sorry in advance. This is going to be rough. As an almost 50 year old man, I couldn’t imagine wanting a role like you’re after. Why should you get to slow down and take your feet off the pedals, regardless of the hard time you’ve had, and expect me to fill your void when I’ve been pedalling my own pedals forever? My experience is that most men my age who have been through divorce are very unlikely to want that again. I’ve seen this time and again through dating. Middle aged women still looking for the Prince, the fairytale. The same stuff they were looking for in their 20s, and frankly, it boggles me. My partner was an empty nester with a bachelor lifestyle and I a single mother of teens and young adults when we met. Common interests brought us together, but now a sense of family is our strongest bond as he's put his heart into supporting me in my family role, and he's proudly joined me in being a grandparent. So it can happen, organically. But there are some big differences in how I approached this relationship. I didn't go in with the expectation that he would take my life and all it's challenges on, that is a gift he gave me after we westablished a relationship with separate lives. We went through a normal process of courtship and dating and getting to know each other, not corresponding for a year and declining to ever meet. In this situation, the cart is before the horse and the horse is being treated bitterly... A relationship is just that, it has to be built into something shared. Lifestyle differences are a huge factor but can be overcome. However,, never in a million years would I expect that from someone who won't meet me until I've earned it somehow. I shouldn't have to prove I fit the bill for someone before I earn a date and if I'd been talking for a year and still not earned one we would be firmly in the friend zone, if I were around at all. Not least because that person is completely unavailable for dating and building a relationship. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 3, 2023 13:20:18 GMT
I am looking for someone comfortable in a traditional male role -- provider, protector, father-figure. I'm longing to be in a softer, more feminine energy as I have been in a ton of masculine energy for so long - fighting in court, being the provider, doing all the things, being the mom and the dad. And the "village," all at once.
I think it is brave that you shared this because I think there are a lot of women in a similar situation who want this too and haven’t stated it out loud. And having this stated out loud allows for conversation and different opinions…..but I still say this was brave.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2023 13:58:58 GMT
Also, having his life squared away so he's not under a lot of constraints can be an indication of availability. It may or may not be that he wants his freedom. When I met my boyfriend he had been single for a few years and enjoyed his life but is a family oriented man and was drawn to my values. He even told me that my motherhood was attractive and a draw for him. It's about shared values.
Someone who is struggling under the burden of a family and big obligations wouldn't have time or energy to join you in yours. He'd be protecting and providing for his own (and even as an empty nester he IS in that masculine role, at least my experience with kids is you're never really done) He's done a great job from what it sounds like, his kids have launched.
Our lives evolve together when we enter into relationship but you have to take the risks of dating to know if that's desirable.
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Post by mrob on May 3, 2023 14:55:52 GMT
@introvert , My mum was married for the first time at 47 to a working bachelor. She then proceeded to manage his life, filling in his gaps, managing him out of the workforce and onto benefits at the first opportunity to be her “carer”, consolidating welfare housing, and she was never satisfied. She made fun of every expression of his masculinity privately, even though these pursuits suited her at times. Mum passed on in 2020, so he’s back working part time. Now my sister has taken over my Mum’s role -mostly.
So, no. My question would be, if I was him would be… What are you bringing?”.Equality absolutely works both ways.
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