Observing This

In order to qualify for the DA label, someone has got to be dismissive. I can't see your sister being dismissive of anything here.

Dismissive has a particular definition, and it's important.
It means that one feels that someone, something, is unworthy of consideration. In a relationship, the other person is always worthy of consideration. Things related to their wellbeing are worthy of consideration. A DA will not tune in to that because of their own one person psychology. Here your sister is overly considering your mother who is an adult responsible for taking care of herself, your father, and bringing you into the mix with copious communication and she thinks she is just doing what is required. No boundaries.

If you have come to a place of awareness and recognition and boundaries, that's not n2cessariky avoidance... avoidance is largely unconscious, automatic, unaware. Just like an anxious person will view themselves as emotionally available and capable of healthy relating while actually acting out with rumination, preoccupation. They think it's love.

An avoidant will be acting out avoidance thinking it's the right, best thing to do, without recognizing its unhealthy.

You are aware of the unhealthy dynamics and taking a step back. That brings all kinds of emotions that aren't necessarily avoidant.

Burnout is real,and it can be an impetus for developing more healthy boundaries and dynamics. As with all things, mastery isn't instantaneous. It takes experimentation, and a process of questioning and adjusting. The goal is to move out of the place of reactivity and into the place of conscious choice. I think you are making progress. It's not like we are happy and everything is great and we decide now we want to become healthier. The pain itself is part of the process, and wakes us up to a need for change. The change itself takes time, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were all our survival mechanisms.

Yep! That's where I am. Part of this is a reaction/pain driving some of the recent boundaries and walls. And burnout! 
Thanks for pointing this out.

No. I was just reading the article that MRob posted and right away sounded like my sister. I clearly have no idea. 

But yes on enmeshment. Withdrawing is really part terrifying, part uplifting and part - I don't know, hard, and confusing. 

And, yes, for right now, that's how I'm treating it - My health, my kid, my work are priority and if there's energy left over, I can talk on the phone, help you with something, etc. I think it was just more the way in which I was doing it - like suddenly not responding to texts or stating I will no longer be in communication if such and such happens.

And, yes, it's more about my side of the street than what my sister or anyone else is doing.

Yes, this is very familiar.

For me, I know that my dad is in a trauma response - he needs to talk to soothe, and he'll use anyone he can call and talk at - it helps him in that "find" part of the nervous system (like attachment) and he can feel seen and heard and his NS settles.

I spent a long time and did a lot of work around the pandemic to be able to be in a room with him (without having to take xanax) because I was afraid he'd die and I would have regrets.

Did family constellations, all kinds of things.

And there have been some moments - like I took a selfie of me and him. Or I hugged him. Or he was kinder to me. 

But he regularly "undoes" whatever that brings forth b/c I think he is undiagnosed autistic with a lot of developmental trauma and highly highly sensitive but is like an "old school" man and so it's just a crazy combination. Smells set him off, sounds. I trigger him all the time. Like if I say, "I was busy." He starts shouting "Ah. You always say that. Think about people who _______" (i.e., have it worse than me). It makes me not want to be around him.

So basically our only connection, which is not really a connection at all, actually, is him calling me and talking at me about random things, telling me I should take my kid to church, talking about God (he was never religious my whole life), telling me about other families and kids and how great they are - and sprinkling in a bit of "we love your daughter" and "you're a good mom" -- it's truly exhausting and triggering. 

My sister is similar in some ways.

Neither have any capacity for others. They can't say a simple "How are you?" because there is no room for you - only them. And I get its all because of trauma and they're maxed out. 

I have some friends and there is a genuine give and take. I think all the other stuff has lowered my own capacity so rather than calling and talking at people b/c I'm needing soothing, comfort, witness, etc, I just journal or nap or close off etc.

I know my dad is the source of so many of my issues. He was physically abusive with my mom and violent when we were younger. He's mellowed. But I still have fears that he can hurt me or harm me. And I've gotten into some pretty abusive relationships .... I don't really blame him or hold things against him or make him the devil like I used to. It's just complicated. 

But, yeah, that was 50 years of my life - from my dad to abusive relationship after abusive relationship to having a kid who also has a dad with no capacity for her. It's a horrible cycle. I've been able to break it to the extent I no longer engage with abusive people, victims, or people who have no capacity for me (except, again, my family, b/c I still have parts that are terrified of losing any of them and want those connections). So I guess you can say I'm breaking the cycle, yet I have not yet succeeded in having a healthy adult relationship with a man/getting my needs met from someone in that way -- needs like being loved, feeling cared for, safe, etc. Maybe I will in this lifetime. That would be nice!

Not to psychoanalyze you....

But my guess is that if you were closer to your family - had to be - to take care of them or had a child, or lived close and interacted daily, you'd see the issues. There'd be drama. 

The romantic life thing is from the mom dad thing. Always IMHO. 

It seems the more healing we do, the more awareness goes back to what the root is - mom, dad, early experiences. And the more we can work directly with those experiences. 

That has been my experience and path. I got stuck for years working on this relationship or that - this break up, this person, without really ever going back to the root stuff. Which is where I am now. And it's a gnarly mess of roots. 

I think when there is early trauma, there's a myriad of ways we can cope until we heal. And relationships with boys (and sex and alcohol and food restriction) were mine. Until I got destroyed by all that, had a kid with someone, and cleaned up my act slowly but surely. 

I'm sober now on the love addiction front. I've healed from a lot of abuse but there's still more to go (and the boundaries are helping). 

And those niggling insecurities and codependencies and drama triangles (I was usually the victim or the rescuer) became clear in a lot of my friendships.

Like you, I thought I didn't have an issue with friendships and it was my love addiction. But for a long time, that was just what was loudest in my life. Turns out the whole house of cards was built on a shaky foundation.