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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2023 16:30:34 GMT
Are you sure you don't care about his life that he is sharing with you? If that is the one thing you can trust yourself on, then maybe just be honest and quit. I wouldn't want to meet anyone who talks about me the way you talk about him, it's pretty toxic don't you think? Would you want to meet anyone who says they don't care about your life and what you enjoy? Someone who negatively judges how you live your life? It seems you want from him what you can't give, that there is too much of your own hunger to be seen to allow you to see and appreciate him. This is his life, and you are annoyed by it.
I get that you're confused about a lot but you don't seem confused about finding him undesirable.
At what point is this just you taking your issues out on him and yanking him around? We've probably all been there and done that before we knew about all this stuff, I know I have and I look back and cringe.
At some point we need to just let the other person off the hook, if we realize we are using them in our own process instead of approaching them in a genuine sense of wanting to date. I can't see inside you to know if this is true for you but I just don't see any respect coming from you toward him and that's a huge red flag for dating, a lack of respect.
Maybe you do respect him and it doesn't show up much in your posts, if so I stand corrected. But respect should be in the foundation of dating and I can't detect it from your posting other than an inventory of what he's accomplished. I don't see a general positive regard for him, it's mostly criticism and annoyance. As if you need him to validate and prove something to you more than anything else, and he continuously fails at that.
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Post by alexandra on May 14, 2023 17:56:55 GMT
I don't think everyone here is recommending you meet him at this point. We were saying you should have met him months ago before putting yourself through all this stress and making assumptions before you knew him. But at this point, you have all these bad feelings and instincts, and your desire to meet him sounds like attachment patterns at play not to build a genuine connection (you only wanted to meet him once the idea seemed to be getting further off the table because we were agreeing you should let him go, with you using direct words but without a big production). This can be avoided in the future if you meet prior to investing, whether that's emotionally investing in the actual person or the fantasy.
You can meet him if you want in July, I don't think there's any wrong answer at this point. I'm sure he'd appreciate meeting the person he's been talking to a year, and maybe that will give you closure and then you'll feel more settled if things fade out afterwards instead of fear of disconnection. But take accountability for your decisions: it's your decision to meet him or your decision to let him down directly but easy, and there's nothing wrong with either. It's nothing to do with what everyone else thinks. If things don't work out with him in the way you already feel in your gut they won't, then you've still learned how to create a better situation the next time with someone else. There's not much to agonize about, beat yourself up about, feel confusion over, etc., as long as you're practicing basic safety in meeting up with him it is ultimately a low risk situation (he's long distance, there's a lot you don't like about his lifestyle).
But again, you choosing a low risk situation in the first place that had very little chance of progressing to a real relationship and lacked availability and then choosing to stay in limbo with it for so long is what you should be introspecting about, where the learning is at. And then changing your mind about being serious about meeting him only once you started thinking about the possibility of detaching. That has little to nothing to do with him. And, as you know because I've written it many times over the months, my opinion is those are subconscious FA patterns on your side of things.
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Post by seeking on May 14, 2023 18:29:07 GMT
Are you sure you don't care about his life that he is sharing with you? If that is the one thing you can trust yourself on, then maybe just be honest and quit. I wouldn't want to meet anyone who talks about me the way you talk about him, it's pretty toxic don't you think? Would you want to meet anyone who says they don't care about your life and what you enjoy? Someone who negatively judges how you live your life? It seems you want from him what you can't give, that there is too much of your own hunger to be seen to allow you to see and appreciate him. This is his life, and you are annoyed by it. This is true. I think my chief complaint is that it's been the "A" show through most of our emails. 10% me - giving him something we can connect on ... and he'll write back one remark then go on for paragraphs with photos about himself, It gets tiring. I don't know about toxic, more just worn out. I also try to engage on things we both have in common - writing, his favorite book. I thought that would be a nice way to connect. And I get back paragraphs about the trip he's on to meet someone he met online. ?? Is it not normal to be annoyed by that? I don't even know anymore. |
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Post by seeking on May 14, 2023 18:32:41 GMT
Maybe you do respect him and it doesn't show up much in your posts, if so I stand corrected. But respect should be in the foundation of dating and I can't detect it from your posting other than an inventory of what he's accomplished. I don't see a general positive regard for him, it's mostly criticism and annoyance. As if you need him to validate and prove something to you more than anything else, and he continuously fails at that. I think what you're picking up on are attachment injuries that are feeling a bit dinged right now -- like my dad who doesn't even know what I do for a living (same with A- one year of emailing and guarantee he doesn't know). Are me reaching out to connect and getting back something that feels like not connection. We've met face to face on Zoom and the same thing happens. I was just holding out hope it would be different in person like everyone is saying. |
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Post by seeking on May 14, 2023 18:34:18 GMT
This can be avoided in the future if you meet prior to investing, whether that's emotionally investing in the actual person or the fantasy. Yes. 100% plan to avoid this in the future, which is 100% the reason I took my profile down and am on no dating sites. I'll meet the guy in person from the start or not at all. That's what I've committed to for myself as a result of this. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2023 18:40:54 GMT
Are you sure you don't care about his life that he is sharing with you? If that is the one thing you can trust yourself on, then maybe just be honest and quit. I wouldn't want to meet anyone who talks about me the way you talk about him, it's pretty toxic don't you think? Would you want to meet anyone who says they don't care about your life and what you enjoy? Someone who negatively judges how you live your life? It seems you want from him what you can't give, that there is too much of your own hunger to be seen to allow you to see and appreciate him. This is his life, and you are annoyed by it. This is true. I think my chief complaint is that it's been the "A" show through most of our emails. 10% me - giving him something we can connect on ... and he'll write back one remark then go on for paragraphs with photos about himself, It gets tiring. I don't know about toxic, more just worn out. I also try to engage on things we both have in common - writing, his favorite book. I thought that would be a nice way to connect. And I get back paragraphs about the trip he's on to meet someone he met online. ?? Is it not normal to be annoyed by that? I don't even know anymore. I would say it isn’t anger just at him….and I am FA too so I recognize this…..it is also anger at yourself that things were not different. There is this “I’m wasting time and it is my own fault”…or whatever tape you hear when a situation doesn’t magically change to what you wish it to be. I think when trauma is internalized that you are responsible for how another person treats you…that is a very hard tape to eliminate as an adult. |
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Post by seeking on May 14, 2023 19:16:49 GMT
I would say it isn’t anger just at him….and I am FA too so I recognize this…..it is also anger at yourself that things were not different. There is this “I’m wasting time and it is my own fault”…or whatever tape you hear when a situation doesn’t magically change to what you wish it to be. I think when trauma is internalized that you are responsible for how another person treats you…that is a very hard tape to eliminate as an adult. Absolutely not at him. I can separate that out. It's my own stuff. And it's show up. And it's okay. I'm healing and working on it. But what did you mean by this? "I think when trauma is internalized that you are responsible for how another person treats you…that is a very hard tape to eliminate as an adult." |
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2023 19:34:16 GMT
I would say it isn’t anger just at him….and I am FA too so I recognize this…..it is also anger at yourself that things were not different. There is this “I’m wasting time and it is my own fault”…or whatever tape you hear when a situation doesn’t magically change to what you wish it to be. I think when trauma is internalized that you are responsible for how another person treats you…that is a very hard tape to eliminate as an adult. Absolutely not at him. I can separate that out. It's my own stuff. And it's show up. And it's okay. I'm healing and working on it. But what did you mean by this? "I think when trauma is internalized that you are responsible for how another person treats you…that is a very hard tape to eliminate as an adult." It may not relate to you so I would rather you marinade on it and see if anything in what I said brings up anything. 🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2023 23:54:51 GMT
Are you sure you don't care about his life that he is sharing with you? If that is the one thing you can trust yourself on, then maybe just be honest and quit. I wouldn't want to meet anyone who talks about me the way you talk about him, it's pretty toxic don't you think? Would you want to meet anyone who says they don't care about your life and what you enjoy? Someone who negatively judges how you live your life? It seems you want from him what you can't give, that there is too much of your own hunger to be seen to allow you to see and appreciate him. This is his life, and you are annoyed by it. This is true. I think my chief complaint is that it's been the "A" show through most of our emails. 10% me - giving him something we can connect on ... and he'll write back one remark then go on for paragraphs with photos about himself, It gets tiring. I don't know about toxic, more just worn out. I also try to engage on things we both have in common - writing, his favorite book. I thought that would be a nice way to connect. And I get back paragraphs about the trip he's on to meet someone he met online. ?? Is it not normal to be annoyed by that? I don't even know anymore. In my opinion, it's not about what's "normal"... like you being annoyed, is that normal or not? What's UNHEALTHY and insecure, in my opinion, is maintaining a connection with someone you feel this way about, for this long, with the lack of intentionality. At this point this looks like purely a way for you to act out your own attachment insecurity and negative traits (we all have them.) I think its gotten to the point of being toxic... your side of it I mean. Instead of just accepting him as he presents, and letting him go to be who he is, you engage and engage and then come here to criticize him. I think it's unfair to meet him by now, knowing that as he is, you don't want him. You seem to want him to show you something different, which can only be shown in person, but you passed that chance and now he'd have to somehow overcome your annoyance and what appears to be disdain at some points. This is totally backwards. To have this amount of negativity going before you have even met him in person. Also, it's fair to say that he may not annoy someone else the way he annoys you. You may have your own negativity at play, as in.... annoyance is strong in you, irritation is strong in you. You feel deeply annoyed by many people in your life, and it's something you express alot. So maybe you are outgrowing people who aren't good for you, and it also might be true that you need to work on your perspectives of people you enter into relationships or connections with. Anger, irritation, annoyance, that's an inside job. |
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2023 23:59:35 GMT
Maybe you do respect him and it doesn't show up much in your posts, if so I stand corrected. But respect should be in the foundation of dating and I can't detect it from your posting other than an inventory of what he's accomplished. I don't see a general positive regard for him, it's mostly criticism and annoyance. As if you need him to validate and prove something to you more than anything else, and he continuously fails at that. I think what you're picking up on are attachment injuries that are feeling a bit dinged right now -- like my dad who doesn't even know what I do for a living (same with A- one year of emailing and guarantee he doesn't know). Are me reaching out to connect and getting back something that feels like not connection. We've met face to face on Zoom and the same thing happens. I was just holding out hope it would be different in person like everyone is saying. I get it, but there is a saying... by the time you are really ready to start dating your baggage should be carry-on sized, and not take up as much room. It does seem like you've got a bit too much baggage in the way here. |
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Post by seeking on May 15, 2023 1:25:16 GMT
It may not relate to you so I would rather you marinade on it and see if anything in what I said brings up anything. 🙂 I think I meant more syntactically I couldn't make sense of it. But what I see is that I have a strong threat response born out of complex-PTSD (which I have, especially complex relational ptsd), and when I go into threat mode, I behave like a scared animal (or as a therapist put it, a rescue dog). And that it's hard for me to maintain a sense of safety with other people esp with the wounding. I'm doing enormous amounts of work on the wounding. And have for some years, but it's still pretty strong in me. But I guess I didn't know what you meant about how other people treat me. I think maybe you're saying I'm looking at that through the lens of trauma? If so, I agree. But we know from polyvagal theory that we have different nervous system "states" and one is fight - one is flight (I get these and do these both very well) one is shut down and freeze, and another is safety and social engagement - and I'm working to be there more and more and more.... even to the point where I have to regularly retrain my brain. But anyway, if I am looking at things through the lens of fight or flight, then things will look largely scary! Also aware of when I'm doing that, so that's helpful. Not that I can always change it - but at least I think I now have the awareness - and can observe more and not get totally sucked in. |
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Post by seeking on May 15, 2023 1:26:39 GMT
In my opinion, it's not about what's "normal"... like you being annoyed, is that normal or not? What's UNHEALTHY and insecure, in my opinion, is maintaining a connection with someone you feel this way about, for this long, with the lack of intentionality. At this point this looks like purely a way for you to act out your own attachment insecurity and negative traits (we all have them.) I think its gotten to the point of being toxic... your side of it I mean. Instead of just accepting him as he presents, and letting him go to be who he is, you engage and engage and then come here to criticize him. I think it's unfair to meet him by now, knowing that as he is, you don't want him. You seem to want him to show you something different, which can only be shown in person, but you passed that chance and now he'd have to somehow overcome your annoyance and what appears to be disdain at some points. This is totally backwards. To have this amount of negativity going before you have even met him in person. Also, it's fair to say that he may not annoy someone else the way he annoys you. You may have your own negativity at play, as in.... annoyance is strong in you, irritation is strong in you. You feel deeply annoyed by many people in your life, and it's something you express alot. So maybe you are outgrowing people who aren't good for you, and it also might be true that you need to work on your perspectives of people you enter into relationships or connections with. Anger, irritation, annoyance, that's an inside job. Okay. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 15, 2023 1:31:46 GMT
Maybe he really is an inconsiderate dolt but is it possible he has a different communition style from you? Some people connect by asking questions, but others connect by sharing their experience with the thing you just shared. It's a difference of upbringing, culture or even neurodivergence.
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Post by seeking on May 15, 2023 1:35:50 GMT
Maybe he really is an inconsiderate dolt but is it possible he has a different communition style from you? Some people connect by asking questions, but others connect by sharing their experience with the thing you just shared. It's a difference of upbringing, culture or even neurodivergence. For sure. He's not a bad guy - at all. If anything, pretty clueless. But I just have a threat response going. And am leaving it off with the email communication til July. Meet and be done. I'm not on dating sites anymore and don't plan on doing any further correspondences in this way (except for people I already know and love). Lesson learned. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 15, 2023 2:32:50 GMT
Maybe he really is an inconsiderate dolt but is it possible he has a different communition style from you? Some people connect by asking questions, but others connect by sharing their experience with the thing you just shared. It's a difference of upbringing, culture or even neurodivergence. For sure. He's not a bad guy - at all. If anything, pretty clueless. But I just have a threat response going. And am leaving it off with the email communication til July. Meet and be done. I'm not on dating sites anymore and don't plan on doing any further correspondences in this way (except for people I already know and love). Lesson learned. As long as you have made it clear to him that you are not planning on corresponding post meeting…and he is still interested in meeting…great. But I think part of the flee response is to only address your side of things…and that can lead to misunderstandings. |
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