Observing This

I totally get it, been peeling back layer after layer for years myself. It creeps up, and I have to revisit old wounds, the awareness is the key. A favorite spiritual teacher of mine felt his pain throughout his life, but sat gently with it, not fighting, not being shaped by it any longer, just feeling it, taking care of it. That's my path, to do the same when it comes up. It can be subtle.

So many layers! I'm grateful too.

I'm not sure why it's coming across this way.... 

(And BTW I am not getting notifications so I responded to other posts but didn't see these responses...)

Anyway, I feel like I'm okay with who I am. 

I feel like I don't have a "hole"

I feel like I lack support in my life in a major way. 

In all the work I've done with nervous system studies, healing from trauma, polyvagal theory, etc. I see over and over that humans are not designed or meant to live alone in isolation.

And I get this doesn't mean that isolation has to be broken by a man. 

But it's a different thing than me having a hole and not being okay with myself.

It's like telling someone who is asking for food that there is something wrong with them for wanting food. And maybe I am saying it one way but meaning it another. I feel like humans get hungry for food and need food. Children in orphanages don't survive without human contact.

I am very very good at being independent and self sufficient, but for instance, today -- a friend picked up my daughter and took her to an event and brough her back. That is something that hasn't happened in years - and probably won't happen again for years. I also had a cancellation of a client and actual free time (with tons to do but still) for the first time in I don't know how long. I sat here in my house and thought, OMG. This must be what adults feel like who just get to be themselves, do their thing, not be pressured every minute of every day to do everything all the time - clean the house b/c everyone has allergies, prepare all the special foods b/c of all the special diets, go to the grocery store that's 2 hours round trip and 3 when all is said and done, help with homework, do all the laundry, dog care, raise the child, do therapies with her, work a job, take care of all the household things - bills, car, lawn, etc. I was thinking of my friend - and how she's a stay at home mom, and my sister. And all these people and I was like OHHHHHH this is what they're world is like? It was actually shocking. My NS is so used to going all the time -- plus I'm barely making it financially. I do pay someone to do handywork, lawn care, clean my house, groom my dog. But still there is so much. 

And I don't think that's a me thing. I've had chronic fatigue all my life and also have a super highly sensitive NS. So while it is a lot for me - I think it would be a lot for anyone. The emotional toll alone is a lot. 

I think it's healthy and normal to want a partner. 

My ex doesn't even respond to my daughter's requests to him to help her with homework. I do all of it. 

I can't imagine not only how grateful I would be but changed as a human to have raised a kid with someone. My daughter said to me the other day, "Mom, I forget that people who are married can also be in love." (She has very few good examples of this). And I said, Yes, imagine really loving and respecting one another AND getting to raise a kid together and have fun together and I said sometimes all those things weigh on a marriage and wear people down (house problems, etc.) but they can also be a joy. 

I didn't say - oh yeah so the man can step in an do it all.

I just think it's not healthy to be in the situation I'm in. And I'm not at a stage - as I have years ahead of me of raising a kid who is developmentally 10 years old) - where I'm interested in a certain lifestyle.

It's not about that person - and before meeting him/not meeting him/etc -- it's more that if someone said, "Hey I go out every night and come home late and travel a lot and love loud concerts," I'd say - oh then we're not a fit. 

I'm only 51. I'm not 81. I can look for more than companionship at this point. I can look for a partner in my life - -will I find one? Who knows. But I dated someone - granted 7 years ago - who was a single dad, 50-% custody of his kids, and was grateful for the feedback on stuff with his kids, as was I on stuff in my garden at the time, and doing stuff together with our kids -- he spent time with my daughter, we cooked together. It made a huge difference. 

Sorry to go on just that I think somehow this isn't coming across. That I'm okay with wanting this. I do have a wound around abandonment but that can show up anywhere and may end up being lifelong for all I know. I'm actively working on it every day. But I'm not interested right now in hanging out with a guy who has raised his kids, tidies up his condo 1 hour a week and is interested in traveling (often) and spends $12 a week on groceries. That's a bachelor. That's a single dude - he loves it. He's not like, "Wow, I miss being partnered, I just want to buy a home and settle down." He's loving being gone more of the month than home. And we are still meeting, but I still don't see how that fits. 

I guess I don't understand why I should be any different from millions of women who have husbands that support them and their kids, fix stuff around the house, take care of the car issues, pick up groceries from time to time or bring home a meal and hang out together and have date nights. Why does wanting that make me have a hole but not them? I'm genuinely confused by that.

seeking I was challenging you to ask why a man specifically is the answer. I didn't say it's not okay to want a man around for a romantic relationship, it is totally fine because humans are wired for connection. But there's a difference between want and need. Your expectations come across as more about wanting a specific a situation than connecting with a person. The way connection often works more successfully is to see if that person is in the same life stage as you and generally wants the same type of relationship and has shared values (eliminate the obvious dealbreakers up front), and then get to know each other. The relationship grows and evolves, and you choose to attach, invest, and show up for each other, as it's the right match. With the beginning being the starting point of just checking is it emotionally safe to start to proceed because you are not outright looking for opposing things (someone wants casual and never marriage again, someone wants the opposite, that's a mismatch generally not worth pursuing, especially not for insecures).

So asking why does everyone else get this but I don't isn't the right approach, and that's why I'm saying there's a hole and a need instead of a sense of I'm fine but I'm tired and I have a want. It's putting the cart before the horse, persay, to want more than connection before you know someone and that increasingly committed relationship is mutually earned through building trust over time. If you look at this from the perspective of billions of other women get this but you don't, that's the hole, because it means somewhere deep down you're deficient and aren't enough. You aren't enough to be okay with yourself and your own support network outside of a man, and you're not enough for some reason to have a man want to take care of you. That's not true, of course, but it's not about comparing yourself to what others have, and it's not about fully expecting a certain type of partner and relationship, it's about building that, which doesn't involve anyone rescuing anyone else.

I'm sorry that it is coming across that I'm invalidating you wanting a long term committed and devoted partner, because I'm not trying to do that. I'm trying to encourage you to think about this from a perspective of being whole in yourself and trying to drop the trauma and voices of your dad and your ex and all that other noise. I actually understand why you're reading what I'm saying in the way you are, and I know we're coming from two different places and may end up just talking around each other without my perspective coming through. It is very foreign to how you've had to endure everything so far.

I guess it comes down to, humans need connection, but they don't specifically need romantic relationships to "complete" them. There are multiple types of support and connections and relationships to build, including the one with yourself. It doesn't mean you should be alone, it just means not approaching men and romantic ideals from a place of need and lack and judgement. Your well-being isn't dependent on a romantic partner, which is why it isn't a need, but having one sure would be nice, which makes it a want. Need creates scarcity mentality and shame, want is going along doing your thing best you can and being okay, and then appreciating and enjoying nurturing the right connections that hopefully come through. Men who are responsive to you having fear-based needs aren't going to provide you with what you actually want, because they likely won't be emotionally healthy enough if that's what they're responding to in women.

So, I don't know if all these words are helpful to get my point across, but I'm just challenging where your need comes from, and if there are different approaches to how it can look that seem less defeating for you and less about filling a void caused by the crappy relationships you've had with the men closest to you (which is more the cause of the hole I'm referring to). I'm trying to find where you can take your power back so dating becomes less scary because it's less... urgent. Which doesn't mean you don't deserve to want or have partnership and companionship and support.

I recognize as a parent that an intimate partner can be a source of practical and emotional support which can't be over stated. seeking, I too parented alone for many years without that kind of support and its a special kind of pain, very real and legitimate.

Raising a special needs kid, teens, young adults, even an average child alone can be overwhelming in ways that only a parent can understand. I have a partner who is able to be present to my family situations that can be very messy and stressful sometimes as my young adults navigate their development and the issues with adulting in a tough economic situation *where I live the cost of living is insane). I don't have to hold back when I tell him what's going on, he's always non judgemental and supportive in any way I need. That means so much to me. That is the kind of support the right partner WILL offer you. It's real, and there are guys out there who actually value that role. I'm just coming along side of you in that, I think I see where you're coming from but do correct me if I'm not on point.

Like I said, no need to apologize. But I appreciate your awareness. And again, I think there's a difference between toxic-masculinity and more traditional male "tendencies" I guess you can say. I'm not looking for a stoic dude. Just a grown man who knows how to be a man (or maybe gentleman is the right word??)  

And, again, as I said in my long last post that I wrote before jumping on a meeting (have to go back and read everyone's responses now) but I don't know why what I want pre-supposes that I have nothing to give. I'm self-sufficient and independent. I plan to keep my business and my income. AND I still want what I want. 

Compared to most women I know, I have done it all -- represented myself in a nasty court case, taken out the trash, dealt with conflicts, been the mom and the dad, and the village, homeschooled my kid. I'm not dependent on anyone. I'm guessing that might be refreshing to some men. Of all the many women friends I have who are married and partnered, they're not doing nearly half of that -- not that they can't, but many of them aren't even aware of the finances. And then not to mention all the personal development work I've done and awareness I have and conflict resolutions skills, communication skills, healthy eating - healthy body, etc. 

To be honest, I think I have a lot to offer someone. I'm well-rounded, have a ton of interests, can talk to anyone, am flexible, resilient. And I want someone to take care of me. And support me, and love me, and help me. Not be subjugated. I can still be in my softer, feminine energy. I'm practicing receiving. But I see that as separate from subjugation. And I want to give that back as well. That's all I keep talking about.... but I get the impression it's some kind of red flag, and I'm open to hearing how. Just confused.


Maybe what you're saying is that I don't leave room for someone? Or I'm used to having my life designed my way? Or ... ? Something else.... I'm too strong of a woman? I'm not sure, lol.

My mom and step father look amazing to the outside world….and I know they both love each other…but man do they tick each other off in some very key ways. Politically they are staunch opposites and each of them has brought wounds forward from their past that impacts how they view and talk to each other. They even went to couples counseling during a rather rough patch. Personally I don’t get the sense that either of them got the partner they thought they would but they make it work because they have different hobbies and don’t speak to each other about the stuff that they disagree about. I only mention it because not all couples work the way you describe….my mom had 3 kids as a single mom and my stepfather had none.