Deep breaths, feeling sad at night

I know I’m supposed to be working on me, and I know I’m not supposed to try to understand his process right now, but this is a curiosity of mine too. We have been (mutual) NC for almost two weeks (except my little breech email) and he remains friends in social media but won’t like anything of mine. He didn’t actually tell me if we were “breaking up” or just “on a break” and now my therapist thinks I should extend the NC through March, for myself AND him. She wants me not to tell him and take it as it comes if he contacts me first. Obviously I was... terrified of this prospect but I can feel myself feeling a little stronger each day, so I’m going to do it.

I just wonder... where his head is at with all this. The last thing he communicated to me was Sunday before last, a short “I miss you too.” I think the suspense may kill me... but the space, I can tell, is good. And, if I’m being totally honest (and I know it sounds pathetic) there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to know what he’s thinking, and appreciates the longer NC, because if the answer is a FINAL breakup... it’s almost better not knowing. Which I know is crazy.

Anyway... thank you, tgat, for m your kind words and hang in there KristyRose. 😘❤️

Girl, you need to tap into your DA side and tell him to F-off in your head!!!!!  My DA side is screaming for you to get over it!!!
I'm so sorry, I know you are in pain, but if I were your friend in real life, this is what I would be telling you.

I have some good news and some bad news!
The good news is, you know you are really suffering with your Anxious Preoccupied attachment issues.
It’s unfortunate that you are suffering, but it’s fortunate that you KNOW it’s because you are anxious and preoccupied and desperately clinging to emotionally unavailable partners .

My guess is, you are really hoping deep down inside that these men will have an epiphany and develop a commitment to improving the relationship, and this can be the rocky start of something that turns out good for both of you.

Or, that enough time will pass that he will realizes how much he misses you, and do what he can to keep you in his life because you’re special to him.

The bad news is, i wouldn’t put a dime i either of those scenarios.
I am not trying to be harsh, or mean, or to minimize the real pain you are feeling.

But the pain you are feeling is not born from some wonderful, deep, unconditional, healthy, solid, enduring love that benefits you and your partner.
So this pain is in vain.

Your pain is born of your attachment to men who treat you without love, care, respect, or anything that recognizes you as a priority to yourself or them.
Your pain is born of a deep need to win their love and validation.
It’s born of fantasies that reward you with the relationship that you want if you just suffer and sacrifice enough.

The truth is, these men are behaving like unhealthy avoidants.
It is not likely that they are giving a fraction of the time, energy, and emotion to this as you are. If they miss you, it’s not like you miss them. If they miss you, it’s not because they need you to be the one and they would do anything to make that happen. They miss the things about you that they enjoyed without giving you the relationship you want.
They miss all the benefits you added to their lives. Of course they do. But they are most likely not twisting themselves around to figure out how to meet your needs.
If they were inclined to do that, you would know, a long time ago. and you wouldn’t be holding out for their validation because you would have it.

I am sorry that my words may be painful, please know that if i really wanted to damage you i would tell you to self soothe and see if he comes around.

The truth is, if he gets healthier, it will take so much time, (like your recovery will) and he is far less inclined to seek change in himself because, why should he, he can stay the same and get what he needs from women who still suffer.
Sounds horrible, but the truth is, it’s all horrible. what he is doing to you would be impossible to do if you weren’t doing it to yourself. i know that is hard to hear. But you have to trust the legions of men and women who have gone before you and found that their relationships didn’t change until they changed. We do show up as volunteers to our relationships. Now that we are adults.

So, i can only say, if you know you are ruminating about what is going on in his head and you know it’s unhealthy, make a hard decision to call yourself out on that and make an appointment with a therapist who can help you cope, or read about codependency, or .... break no contact and call him, stone cold sober. say what is on your mind and listen very carefully to what he says.

He likely has told you how he feels and what his ideas for the relationship are, and those things have likely not changed.


You know i care, and i hope you see that i care enough to be realistic with you, These issues are deep and real and have caused untold suffering, and you know this.

Take your recovery seriously and you will heal faster and better and more permanently.

Big Huge Hugs.

I have flipped into anxious with a severely avoidant partner and i can empathize with you. But it’s not where i live. I visited there. It felt like shit. I lost all my self respect and personal power.

Borrow a page out of the DA book on this,, and realize that you can do just fine with your self reliance and you can and will call an end to the abuse of you. End. Of.

I understand if you need to poke me and grumble at me and it’s ok, i understand and i am here supporting you.

I hear you tgat. And I have two therapists one who does CBT with me for the past 6 years and one whom I've started EMDR in the past year. I see some progress in my own self awareness and my ability to catch myself when I know my AP tendencies are working overtime. I do not continue to reach out and I try to repeat the mantra "stay with yourself"- because its when I abandon myself I know I feel at my worst. 

That being said, it does not hurt to read your post... maybe about 50 times today to remind myself that I am sitting in the pain and he is not. That my pain is not healthy. That everything you said, I know in my heart quite well, which is why the pain feels so acute today. I suppose the pain today also carries acceptance in a way, mixed with a longing to hold onto the fantasy that he will indeed miss me enough and see my value when I cannot. THAT is the root cause. Only I can see it, and yes, feeling the AP tendencies makes me hate myself as well. 

I DO appreciate what both you and Mary say because it is real and with the utmost care and concern in mind. 

I will make a promise to myself to try and remember my value, remember I matter to many people, but mostly need to matter to myself.

Madame,

Apologies are the LAST thing you should be doing.

Everyone is at different parts of their journey and we all post and respond with compassion and most of all without judgement.

Part of recovery is learning to stop saying sorry for things you aren to to blame for. Just know that this is a safe space and we are here for you no matter where you are at. Ok?

and remember!
Grief really is a process with stages, and if you identify which stage you are in, if it is denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance... it takes some of the mystery out of the darkness and you can get a little clinical with your thoughts and talk to them like they are your little patients who need your good advice.
Do whatever you need to to put your rational self in the drivers seat because emotion can obscure everything.
Keep going!