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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 19:23:12 GMT
hi, i am trying to understand what the sticking points are for AP’s after a breakup. i can see that the attachment styles process the breakup differently, and i have difficulty understanding the protracted grieving and anxiety or what can help it. i do understand some things like chemical changes in the body after the cessation of a sexual relationship, and the changes in the brain after losing a source of affection and happy hormones from engaging with a partner. i experienced those but for a very short time. i think it happens with all types according to what i have read, to some degree. I felt a withdrawal feeling but it wasn’t too long and i accepted it and it passed. so i am just looking for insight into what is going on in the Ap themselves, not about their ex partner but about themselves. i know we all suffer loss in our own way but i would like to understand your process more in your own words if you care to share? thank you  |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 12, 2018 19:50:54 GMT
Take into account that many (if not all) APs think lowly of ourselves, low self esteem. This can totally be changed, but it takes awareness and work. While still in an insecure place, we dont see our value, and therefore assume people wont see it either. Which is totally wrong, because people do value us.
Therefore, we tend to fall into desperation as in "I wont find anybody else who loves me because I am unlovable" or "this was my only shot for happiness"... these may sound a bit exaggerated but I am trying to make a point. This pessimistic view of the future triggers more anxiety, and we try to get the ex back as a last resource.
When the ex refuses or rejects us again, the powerlessness we have over the situation creates anger, and we blame the ex partner for being a villain. It takes time to gain awareness about the break up because in the first stages anger and anxiety are clouding our understanding.
These are my two cents to answer your post, since I have behaved as an AP in some break ups.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:06:25 GMT
thank you for that comeheregoaway!
so maybe a major difference is, i don’t feel low about myself post breakup? i still feel disappointed and i wish it could have worked out, but i don’t feel like i am unlovable or can’t find a person who will value me. i wish it could have been him but i feel like it’s his loss and mine, just regrettable. disappointing.
so do you feel like if this person didn’t value you in spite of all the effort, you think no one will? does it confirm for you your deep belief that you are unlovable?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:13:25 GMT
i guess you already answered my question, i’m so sorry.
i need to hammer it home i guess.
do you really believe you are unlovable?
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 12, 2018 20:20:47 GMT
This is a complex answer and I can only speak for myself. There is usually early trauma of some sort of rejection in our childhood, that teaches us that we need to audition or perform to be loved, that we need to earn it, that if we are good enough we will get that acceptance.
When this translates into romantic relationships, you can clearly see the AP overgiving because we believe we need to earn the love. So we put all the efforts and resources, that leave us depleted. Yet when a breakup happens, our belief system that we can earn that love, is broken. A system that is deeply hardwired, suddenly stops working. We ask ourselves "why cant I get him/her to stay by my side, if I have done everything I had to do to achieve it?"
Of course we dont think of how badly we may have triggered our partner, we only see the imbalance in "I gave so much and still, he left. I must be the problem, either I wasnt good enough or I didnt perform well enough". Yes, this reinforces our belief that we are unlovable.
A child will adapt to any situation of rejection from the caregiver, and do whatever is needed to regain closeness with the caregiver, because a child depends on the caregiver for survival. This will shape the way we understand our concept of love.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:32:45 GMT
yes, i see it’s just different mechanisms at work, in response to early childhood wounding.
i went through a process of discovering my own self love in my process of healing but it wasn’t in response to romantic relationships or the loss thereof.
it was an awareness that came when i was struggling to survive lethal force against me.
so i didn’t experience rejection, i experienced someone threatening my existence and it made me realize how valuable and lovable i am when someone took me so close to being snuffed out. (or at least convincing me they could with just one squeeze of their hand or of a trigger).
it made me really take up for myself and love myself very much.
maybe it was a paradoxical response, i don’t know if it is unusual to respond that way to violence.
i am very sad for any of us who don’t realize how much we love ourselves, until something forces us to. but i am glad for whatever makes us realize our inherent goodness and worthiness.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:35:25 GMT
my mother told me outright, that i was extremely difficult to love, from a very early age.
so i get that.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:36:14 GMT
i guess you already answered my question, i’m so sorry. i need to hammer it home i guess. do you really believe you are unlovable? I used to believe that. My mother started saying in my teens that she wished I would be a little girl again, because I have turned out to be so mean growing up. Then, 3 of my 4 boyfriends during the last 14 years have also stated something similar as "you are a woman difficult to love" or "people dont love you because you are too ____". Fill in the gap. One of them said no man would love me because I am so freaking smart and men feel "oversmarted"... you can imagine how rejected I felt after that. I do not believe that I am unlovable anymore. But it has also brought me some isolation because I have stopped seeking validation from some family members or friends. A couple of friends still remain and I feel deeply loved by them. i’m sorry you experienced this also  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:36:50 GMT
we just responded very different ways to severe wounding.
i am glad we are healing.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:43:29 GMT
I feel like people want me in their lives but don’t want me around them. I feel like the only way people would “love” me is from afar.
Two relationships I’ve deeply attached myself to are both Long distance, where the love and care only showed through distance and Internet. When we do spend time together physically, it was often slightly cold and awkward. I often have to pursue and feel rejected. However, when I hold myself aloof and cold, they would pursue and seek me out, but always from a distance. My parents were the same - when I’m around, they didn’t bother to spend much time with me as a child. Now that I’ve moved to another country, wow they’re all over me and being generally imposing and overbearing.
I just had a text conversation with my DA that why I’m insecure is because the rship only works if there’s a distance, but it’ll fail miserably if we are in the same space. He didn’t disagree, simply that he agreed he prefers distance and hopes we can work it out to the extent that it’s not unbearable for either of us.
Comehereandgoaway - I had exactly the same. My mum often told me I’m unfriendly cos I don’t smile very much. I’m too proud and arrogant. I’m well educated but don’t know anything about life. Blah blah blah.
Yea, I pretty much feel unloved and unloveable. Though I think I’m pretty awesome, but it doesn’t seem reflected by the people around me who basically doesnt like how I express myself and who I am. Reinforced by the fact that they seem to be quite happy having a lot of distance from me.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 0:16:08 GMT
hi, i am trying to understand what the sticking points are for AP’s after a breakup. i can see that the attachment styles process the breakup differently, and i have difficulty understanding the protracted grieving and anxiety or what can help it. i do understand some things like chemical changes in the body after the cessation of a sexual relationship, and the changes in the brain after losing a source of affection and happy hormones from engaging with a partner. i experienced those but for a very short time. i think it happens with all types according to what i have read, to some degree. I felt a withdrawal feeling but it wasn’t too long and i accepted it and it passed. so i am just looking for insight into what is going on in the Ap themselves, not about their ex partner but about themselves. i know we all suffer loss in our own way but i would like to understand your process more in your own words if you care to share? thank you So I can definitely agree with the others. A lot of our pain stems from already feeling very unloveable and that we must earn the love we get. My parents were quite neglectful and gave intermittent reinforcement however the physical abuse made me feel like I had to work twice as hard to earn whatever positive attention I got. When AP's get rejected, they have a hard time because of the amount of work we usually put into pleasing and earning. For me, I put the brakes on A LOT of my AP tendencies in the hopes that he would approve of me and give me some love in return. Notice I said SOME love- because even scraps of attention were enough to sustain me. I am quite sure I triggered him, but not enough for him to keep sucking the life outta me these past 9 months, taking and taking, but not even showing empathy in the end. So, what he basically did, was reaffirm that not only am I not lovable, but I can't do anything right to earn the love. So now what? Well now it feels as if I won't find anyone. If he doesn't love me and I tried my best to earn it, who will? AND, I am now so entirely exhausted and depleted that I do not even want to think about dating another person until I learn to love myself. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 0:28:15 GMT
hi, i am trying to understand what the sticking points are for AP’s after a breakup. i can see that the attachment styles process the breakup differently, and i have difficulty understanding the protracted grieving and anxiety or what can help it. i do understand some things like chemical changes in the body after the cessation of a sexual relationship, and the changes in the brain after losing a source of affection and happy hormones from engaging with a partner. i experienced those but for a very short time. i think it happens with all types according to what i have read, to some degree. I felt a withdrawal feeling but it wasn’t too long and i accepted it and it passed. so i am just looking for insight into what is going on in the Ap themselves, not about their ex partner but about themselves. i know we all suffer loss in our own way but i would like to understand your process more in your own words if you care to share? thank you So I can definitely agree with the others. A lot of our pain stems from already feeling very unloveable and that we must earn the love we get. My parents were quite neglectful and gave intermittent reinforcement however the physical abuse made me feel like I had to work twice as hard to earn whatever positive attention I got. When AP's get rejected, they have a hard time because of the amount of work we usually put into pleasing and earning. For me, I put the brakes on A LOT of my AP tendencies in the hopes that he would approve of me and give me some love in return. Notice I said SOME love- because even scraps of attention were enough to sustain me. I am quite sure I triggered him, but not enough for him to keep sucking the life outta me these past 9 months, taking and taking, but not even showing empathy in the end. So, what he basically did, was reaffirm that not only am I not lovable, but I can't do anything right to earn the love. So now what? Well now it feels as if I won't find anyone. If he doesn't love me and I tried my best to earn it, who will? AND, I am now so entirely exhausted and depleted that I do not even want to think about dating another person until I learn to love myself. Yes, it is important to love yourself. Because he is just one person, There are many fish in that sea! Finding one that will treat you better will be easy as he didn't set the bar very high at all. This is where we part ways. I know I will find another in time, when I am ready. Incompatibility is not the same as loveability. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 0:28:28 GMT
hi, i am trying to understand what the sticking points are for AP’s after a breakup. i can see that the attachment styles process the breakup differently, and i have difficulty understanding the protracted grieving and anxiety or what can help it. i do understand some things like chemical changes in the body after the cessation of a sexual relationship, and the changes in the brain after losing a source of affection and happy hormones from engaging with a partner. i experienced those but for a very short time. i think it happens with all types according to what i have read, to some degree. I felt a withdrawal feeling but it wasn’t too long and i accepted it and it passed. so i am just looking for insight into what is going on in the Ap themselves, not about their ex partner but about themselves. i know we all suffer loss in our own way but i would like to understand your process more in your own words if you care to share? thank you So I can definitely agree with the others. A lot of our pain stems from already feeling very unloveable and that we must earn the love we get. My parents were quite neglectful and gave intermittent reinforcement however the physical abuse made me feel like I had to work twice as hard to earn whatever positive attention I got. When AP's get rejected, they have a hard time because of the amount of work we usually put into pleasing and earning. For me, I put the brakes on A LOT of my AP tendencies in the hopes that he would approve of me and give me some love in return. Notice I said SOME love- because even scraps of attention were enough to sustain me. I am quite sure I triggered him, but not enough for him to keep sucking the life outta me these past 9 months, taking and taking, but not even showing empathy in the end. So, what he basically did, was reaffirm that not only am I not lovable, but I can't do anything right to earn the love. So now what? Well now it feels as if I won't find anyone. If he doesn't love me and I tried my best to earn it, who will? AND, I am now so entirely exhausted and depleted that I do not even want to think about dating another person until I learn to love myself. i understand, but also i think you have a misunderstanding about how much you do actually love and cherish yourself. my perspective is that your love is there very strongly but you don’t recognize it. i see that you don’t need to come up with new love you don’t have but you need to recognize that the love you have is there. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 0:30:15 GMT
So I can definitely agree with the others. A lot of our pain stems from already feeling very unloveable and that we must earn the love we get. My parents were quite neglectful and gave intermittent reinforcement however the physical abuse made me feel like I had to work twice as hard to earn whatever positive attention I got. When AP's get rejected, they have a hard time because of the amount of work we usually put into pleasing and earning. For me, I put the brakes on A LOT of my AP tendencies in the hopes that he would approve of me and give me some love in return. Notice I said SOME love- because even scraps of attention were enough to sustain me. I am quite sure I triggered him, but not enough for him to keep sucking the life outta me these past 9 months, taking and taking, but not even showing empathy in the end. So, what he basically did, was reaffirm that not only am I not lovable, but I can't do anything right to earn the love. So now what? Well now it feels as if I won't find anyone. If he doesn't love me and I tried my best to earn it, who will? AND, I am now so entirely exhausted and depleted that I do not even want to think about dating another person until I learn to love myself. i understand, but also i think you have a misunderstanding about how much you do actually love and cherish yourself. my perspective is that your love is there very strongly but you don’t recognize it. i see that you don’t need to come up with new love you don’t have but you need to recognize that the love you have is there. Tell me more T, if you don't mind? :-) |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 0:32:40 GMT
i shared these thoughts with another hurting AP in a message, it will be easy for me to copy past and show you what i mean. i will be at a computer shortly where that will be easier. so i will be back in just a little bit. |
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