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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 19:45:08 GMT
Did you forget, that you didn't liked her either ? I did like her, but this might be besides the point. At this stage, I'd even appreciate if someone showed lasting interest in me even if I didn't feel the same way. Quite pathetic I guess.... |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 20, 2018 19:49:09 GMT
Did you forget, that you didn't liked her either ? I did like her, but this might be besides the point. At this stage, I'd even appreciate if someone showed lasting interest in me even if I didn't feel the same way. Quite pathetic I guess.... Why would they if you won't even do so for yourself? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 19:59:22 GMT
Seriously though, thoughts and feelings are interlinked. Sometimes, you'll need to show yourself that those feelings don't determine reality. Hold them yo the bright light of reality and see if they can stand that test. If so, keep acting on them. If not, you're already on the path to changing them. Sometimes, I manage it, for lesser stuff. The "not lovable" deep belief/thought though, is extremely resistant. Only positive experiences might be able to affect it. Those that prove me wrong. This is going to sound horribly "DAish", but I had very low self esteem when I was younger. I actually had to "throw away" the people of my past that didn't love me in order to rebuild myself. I was bound by the feeling that I was unloveable, because I was bound by people who didn't love me. I detached from my parents emotionally, which took a very long time. But once detached, I was free to see myself as I wanted to see myself, not how they saw me. They were no longer valid in what I thought of myself. I threw away their power over me. By throwing them away, I threw away the abuse, every mean thing they said, all the physical harm and all the feelings that came with that. They no longer had power over my feelings. Maybe you have to throw away the power that others have over your feelings? |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:05:58 GMT
I did like her, but this might be besides the point. At this stage, I'd even appreciate if someone showed lasting interest in me even if I didn't feel the same way. Quite pathetic I guess.... Why would they if you won't even do so for yourself? I see what you mean, but I didn't mean showing interest for myself, I was thinking about me not showing interest for someone. But anyway, this is silly, it's not really what I want. Just a stupid thought because I'm tired of always being the one who is interested in others and never the other way around. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:09:57 GMT
Ha, ha... Yes. I once asked you if you let the girls choose you or do you choose yourself. What about your own wants and needs in a relationship ? Well maybe I dident get it right. Right, I remember that we talked about this! Almost never happens that a woman chooses me. I'm either the pursuer, or interest is mutual. I think I'm pretty clear on my wants and needs. The main problem is the confidence thing. Even the girl from tonight picked it up while we talked about my exams in psychology! She said that it sounded like I'm the type who underevaluates himself. So true. I didn't even say something directly negative about myself like I could have 15-20 years ago. But it still comes across. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:16:25 GMT
Sometimes, I manage it, for lesser stuff. The "not lovable" deep belief/thought though, is extremely resistant. Only positive experiences might be able to affect it. Those that prove me wrong. This is going to sound horribly "DAish", but I had very low self esteem when I was younger. I actually had to "throw away" the people of my past that didn't love me in order to rebuild myself. I was bound by the feeling that I was unloveable, because I was bound by people who didn't love me. I detached from my parents emotionally, which took a very long time. But once detached, I was free to see myself as I wanted to see myself, not how they saw me. They were no longer valid in what I thought of myself. I threw away their power over me. By throwing them away, I threw away the abuse, every mean thing they said, all the physical harm and all the feelings that came with that. They no longer had power over my feelings. Maybe you have to throw away the power that others have over your feelings? Interesting that this is how you regained some self esteen, Mary! This is understandable. It's like putting an end to toxic relationships. I'm unfortunately not in that sort of situation. Most, if not everyone I have a connection with, love me. Friends, colleagues that I appreciate etc. As for parents, I only have my mum. And yes, something could be done there. She does love me in her own way. I detached physically from a dysfunctional family by moving abroad, but she has still some power over me. I seem to remember that you said that she absolutely felt no love from your parents. I did receive some, from my mum especially, but it was intermittent (hence AP and not DA or something else). Basically, I don't quite see who I could ditch in my life. If there is one thing I could, it would be to accept their love more than I am able to. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 20:24:34 GMT
This is going to sound horribly "DAish", but I had very low self esteem when I was younger. I actually had to "throw away" the people of my past that didn't love me in order to rebuild myself. I was bound by the feeling that I was unloveable, because I was bound by people who didn't love me. I detached from my parents emotionally, which took a very long time. But once detached, I was free to see myself as I wanted to see myself, not how they saw me. They were no longer valid in what I thought of myself. I threw away their power over me. By throwing them away, I threw away the abuse, every mean thing they said, all the physical harm and all the feelings that came with that. They no longer had power over my feelings. Maybe you have to throw away the power that others have over your feelings? Interesting that this is how you regained some self esteen, Mary! This is understandable. It's like putting an end to toxic relationships. I'm unfortunately not in that sort of situation. Most, if not everyone I have a connection with, love me. Friends, colleagues that I appreciate etc. As for parents, I only have my mum. And yes, something could be done there. She does love me in her own way. I detached physically from a dysfunctional family by moving abroad, but she has still some power over me. I seem to remember that you said that she absolutely felt no love from your parents. I did receive some, from my mum especially, but it was intermittent (hence AP and not DA or something else). Basically, I don't quite see who I could ditch in my life. If there is one thing I could, it would be to accept their love more than I am able to. I guess for you I am not saying throw away people, but throw away the power that people have over your emotions. That's just how I got there. You said that you would need positive experiences to help you. How about just throwing away the negative experiences and not letting others influence your thought process. Like this recent date adding to your low feeling. Like who cares? She's not even important in your life. Why are her perceptions of you so valid? |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:24:51 GMT
Inspiring story, really. I'm trying to see how this could be transposed to my life. Sometimes it seems like it's easier for a very visible "flaw" like being fat in the case of the woman who wrote this article. Any type of visible "handicap". My handicap is that I lack self-love. How can this be announced to the world in a positive way? This person did suffer from low self-worth either, so it might not be that different. Trying to get my head around this one. I will keep this article and come back to it, there is a lot in it that can be used. It is definitely about improving the self-talk into a positive direction. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:31:22 GMT
Interesting that this is how you regained some self esteen, Mary! This is understandable. It's like putting an end to toxic relationships. I'm unfortunately not in that sort of situation. Most, if not everyone I have a connection with, love me. Friends, colleagues that I appreciate etc. As for parents, I only have my mum. And yes, something could be done there. She does love me in her own way. I detached physically from a dysfunctional family by moving abroad, but she has still some power over me. I seem to remember that you said that she absolutely felt no love from your parents. I did receive some, from my mum especially, but it was intermittent (hence AP and not DA or something else). Basically, I don't quite see who I could ditch in my life. If there is one thing I could, it would be to accept their love more than I am able to. I guess for you I am not saying throw away people, but throw away the power that people have over your emotions. That's just how I got there. You said that you would need positive experiences to help you. How about just throwing away the negative experiences and not letting others influence your thought process. Like this recent date adding to your low feeling. Like who cares? She's not even important in your life. Why are her perceptions of you so valid? Throwing away the power that people have over my emotions, right...it's like what we wrote in the other thread. What tgat wrote about not letting people have authority over you. People with low self-confidence tend to see all those around them as having more authority than themselves. Because they are somehow trusted. They just know better. I feel this even with people here on this forum. In absolute terms, this recent date is not important in my life for sure. I guess her perceptions are valid in the sense that they act as a mirror of what I see in myself. A kind of confirmation that I am not lovable, something that I am unfortunately still convinced of. But I agree that if I didn't always take people's perceptions of myself as *the truth*, I would already be on the right path towards throwing away the power that people have over me... |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 20:38:23 GMT
I guess for you I am not saying throw away people, but throw away the power that people have over your emotions. That's just how I got there. You said that you would need positive experiences to help you. How about just throwing away the negative experiences and not letting others influence your thought process. Like this recent date adding to your low feeling. Like who cares? She's not even important in your life. Why are her perceptions of you so valid? Throwing away the power that people have over my emotions, right...it's like what we wrote in the other thread. What tgat wrote about not letting people have authority over you. People with low self-confidence tend to see all those around them as having more authority than themselves. Because they are somehow trusted. They just know better. I feel this even with people here on this forum. In absolute terms, this recent date is not important in my life for sure. I guess her perceptions are valid in the sense that they act as a mirror of what I see in myself. A kind of confirmation that I am not lovable, something that I am unfortunately still convinced of. But I agree that if I didn't always take people's perceptions of myself as *the truth*, I would already be on the right path towards throwing away the power that people have over me... So here's a question. If other people's perceptions have power over you, do you also think that friends and colleagues that love you and think you are awesome...are they valid as truths as well? |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:41:58 GMT
Ah, very good question! Unfortunately not. I don't view these truths as valid. I don't reject them completely, I'm becoming slightly better at accepting them, but it still bothers me because it obviously conflicts with my "inner truth". And since I have a negative bias, negative perceptions have a stronger pull than positive perceptions. So I choose to believe the negative perception, as it fits with the negative view of myself.
This is what needs to be challenged...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 20:46:32 GMT
Ah, very good question! Unfortunately not. I don't view these truths as valid. I don't reject them completely, I'm becoming slightly better at accepting them, but it still bothers me because it obviously conflicts with my "inner truth". And since I have a negative bias, negative perceptions have a stronger pull than positive perceptions. So I choose to believe the negative perception, as it fits with the negative view of myself. This is what needs to be challenged... Ah ok, I didn't know. So it' not people having power over your feelings, it's your own acceptance of the truth. Even though the truth coming from more valid sources (friends, those that love you) is positive. You are not accepting of it. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 20, 2018 20:55:31 GMT
It's both I guess. It's people having power of my feelings when they "reject" me or say something that I interpret as negative, thus confirming my negative sense of self, AND a difficulty to accept positive talk from others because I tend to dismiss it as it doesn't fit with my inner negative view. It comes from both directions.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2018 21:01:26 GMT
It's both I guess. It's people having power of my feelings when they "reject" me or say something that I interpret as negative, thus confirming my negative sense of self, AND a difficulty to accept positive talk from others because I tend to dismiss it as it doesn't fit with my inner negative view. It comes from both directions. I disagree, because if people actually had power over your emotions, both the positive and negative would influence you. They are not the influencers, it's your own filter. You are filtering and choosing to believe certain things no matter how valid or invalid the source is. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 20, 2018 21:23:09 GMT
"Confirmation bias, also called confirmatory bias or myside bias, is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses. It is a type of cognitive bias and a systematic error of inductive reasoning. People display this bias when they gather or remember information selectively, or when they interpret it in a biased way. The effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs. "
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