Embarrassed and need to confess

I didn't mean I had some special insight into it or anything, I just think that this particular situation with this particular person is going to bring out this behavior that Kristy doesn't like in herself, that's all. Whereas going to the movies with, or dating someone else who doesn't trigger her won't have that effect. So more about not blaming herself, as much as blaming the fact that she's put herself into a situation that creates her own personal brand of losing it.

As an FA, reading her initial post was hard for me because I could almost feel her desperation (been there) but I don't think it's 100% honest that hanging out with him is fun and that's the only reason - the protest behavior sounds like it starts at the moment of speaking to him and not later. Because if you're honest, I think you're going to the movies with him hoping that he's calling because he misses you, that this means he loves you and that going to the movies with him is going to bring him to his senses - hence the way the deck of cards fell the the ground afterwards. This isn't judgement - I did it for months myself with my FA. He was saying he didn't want a relationship but he was asking me to the movies, hence if I went and we had a great time (we always did) that it meant he loved me. then when he inevitably disappointment me afterwards, I'd have massive anxiety and desperation and felt totally worthless.

@tgat protest behavior basically means manipulative words or actions designed to "convince" the partner by whatever means necessary to love you / give you what you want and getting angry and indignant when they don't.

The problem begins by going in the first place, because I don't think you're going to the movies with a friend or going with no expectation so there's no way you're going to get what you want from it. It's setting yourself up to fail everytime, so if you don't want this to happen you can only go to the movies with him if he says he wants to be your boyfriend.

It also screams off the page how toxic his own reaction is: If I went to the movies with a male friend and this kind of text storm developed afterwards, I'd be really confused and uncomfortable whereas he seems to participate in like an ALMOST boyfriend, so he's kind of aware of this situation and chooses (or can't resist) playing his role which is almost giving you just enough for it to drag the anxiety out of you. And then he gets angry at the end of it like you're the crazy one -when really this is a double-dance you're both doing with each other and he gets something out of it.

You're both so locked into this, I think this is going to be how it goes round and round eternally I'm really sorry Kristy but please don't blame yourself for these actions which are beyond your control when you are triggered in this way. Not one person here can stop their attachment style from blowing out when the right circumstances trigger it I don't think reacting like that is a choice for you - but going to the movies IS the choice

Love xxx

yasmin,

Your insight is really helpful in my wading through this mess. I did not even consider, of course, how toxic HIS behavior is as well as my own. I naturally default to blaming me and me alone. As far as the movies, yes, I go because I want to be close to him and I want to feel wanted by him. The little girl in me is screaming for his attention and so I find it hard to say no when he asks. I also initiate plans with him as well, it's like a compulsion and he rarely says no - so yes we are quite locked in right now, yet again. I definitely do not feel judged by you, I feel so understood and supported, very grateful for that. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and you have a knack for clearing out the fog and helping me see.

@tgat, 

You really did save me yesterday. I kept thinking about your post regarding tolerance. I worked on sitting in my pain and trying to learn from it, not escape it. I ws distracted with friends, so the break was nice, but I woke up this morning and little anxious and remembered your words. I'm definitely willing to share my experience while activated. It doesn't trigger me, I think it may help me stay aware of my own patterns.

So, I spent all of last weekend with my ex, I stayed over at this place last saturday evening, we cuddle on the couch and watched tv and slept together, then went to bruch and spent the whole day together. I was so happy, but I could feel the undercurrent of anxiety knowing we are still not really together and knowing that there are no guarantees of when I will see him again. I think the triggering started up more on Sunday evening after I dropped him at home. I tried to just avoid texting him all week in the hopes I would hear from him. Eventually I did on thursday when he invited me to a movie and my anxiety went down. I went of course as you know and when he brought up the weekend and possibly hanging saturday but being vague, up went the anxiety again. By Friday I just wanted an answer as to if I would meet up with him, I wanted to have those same faux secure warm feelings I got to enjoy last weekend. So, thats when after a few glasses too many of wine, I started texting him. What happens is there is this panic and urgency to know when I will see him next- once I know, i'm calmed down. It's like a placeholder that keeps the anxiety at bay. But when he is vague, which is almost always, it sends my inner alarms racing and I feel and intense need to reach out and get answers. 

because I pissed him off, he will go silent. THAT is a huge trigger so when I woke up yesterday, I looked at my texts, felt the shame and desperation Yasmin mentioned and yes, that is very true, and sent a short apology and spent the day swirling as you saw. The physical sensations are, heart palpitations, feeling adrenaline surging through me, eyes get dilated, cannot concentrate, feel a tightness in my throat and my stomach feels very fluttery. I then to start to ruminate about how I messed things up, how he probably is at the party flirting with girls and will take one home, that he is disgusted with me, perhaps he will not reach out at all... etc etc.

The worst feeling for me as an AP, is the feeling of being abandoned and left behind. I get very activated in the way I described above, when I think my ex has disappeared. i work really hard to appear on the surface with him, as light and carefree, happy and fun. But, the AP stuff can come out even when I try to calm myself like it did Friday. It's always there under the surface. Because we have spent more time together again, I think my expectations go up again and get re-ignited. 

I wanted to break down the whole experience as best as I can, but please feel free to ask more questions. 

oh kristyrose, i am so sorry you are caught in this trap with him.
please free yourself.
this is so destructive to you and would be to anybody. 
My ex exploited me to a certain extend and i could not bear to allow it to continue.
he won't stop it.  you have to.
i am so glad that i could help you yesterday, and i will continue to try to support you the best i can with my understanding, to uncover and release your own internal bindings.
i would love to see you set yourself free.
i think it's your destiny.  you just have to heed that call and take your own hero journey.  he is the antagonist in the journey.  you are your own hero. he is not the hero.  he is not the hero. he is not the hero.  you are your own hero. 

stay present, stay aware, and stay honest. 

big hugs!!! 

T,

Man this post made me cry but in a good way for once! THANK YOU, that is everything right there. I woke up thinking, well Kris you got through yesterday today is a new day hopefully a better one. 

Sitting with it, trying not to act out was hard, but there is some pride in facing it, not running as you said. There is so much in staying with myself, not abandoning myself.

i truly see a victory here. 
just keep stacking them up!
challenge yourself to do differently next time.
you already have so much information taking root in you, just practice matching your actions to what you know.  fake it till you make it.
i do that, i experiment.  you've see seen some of it here.  i make a plan,share the plan , enact the plan, live the plan, review the plan, look back at my success.  then i make another plan!!

lets do that together if you like.  start with a plan of how you will handle the next trigger. you know it's coming.  plan for it and share with us - as you make  your plan, as you enact the plan, and get better results from the plan.  plan to be successful in YOUR ACTIONS, plan to celebrate how you preserved your dignity instead of laid yourself low.  share with us how you said no.  how you respected yourself.  how you sat through the trigger and didn't act out.  and tolerate the feelings until they change too.  they will.  

i really believe you can take your healing to the next level of action.  i do. 

I agree with the above that you should take it easy on yourself... if someone was secure, one day of drunk texting wouldn't cause them to walk away-- they'd want to talk about it.... If they do just walk away, it says more about them than about you.