Embarrassed and need to confess

this is not my experience AT ALL, but i'm not FA.
there is no comparison between the emotions of an avoidant and an AP. FA is a separate issue i can't speak to.
also, kristyrose , your ex is beyond conprehension and extremely narcissistic in my perception so i can't pretend to relate to him lol!! so don't take this personally!!
Please keep in mind i am writing subjectively and can't speak for all avoidants.

But the emotional liability and extreme swings of an AP are not happening in an avoidant in relation to their partner. it's not that there is some huge rush of emotion and we get scared and shut it down.
so far from reality.

I have to be honest about my experiences...
when confronted with the over the top emotional reactions and dependency of an AP ( the dependency and instability is apparent) it is such a huge turn off, its exasperating. and i know it's coming again, and again, and again. i see the pattern. i hear the promises to do better. and on and on. it is predictable and can only be tolerated if there is enough good to keep it going. that never happened for me. The literature also states that AP's are really not good team players and i found that to be true.

i see the emotional stuff as inappropriate and self centered. there is a real disconnect between what is actually happening in real time, and what the AP is interpreting and perceiving.
As Jeb said, (paraphrasing hugely here)the AP will read every facet of an avoidants behavior as some sort of an affront directed at them personally.

I have experienced this. Not only is it hugely disrespectful to the avoidant, it's annoying as hell. 😒
So by going away, i mean, "this is intolerable.
This is insane. This is ridiculous." I have never been one to disappear after "closeness" so i can't speak to that. this is about the daily dynamic where different needs cause conflict and i'm the bad guy.

we are not emotionally dependent on a partner for validation of our worth, etc.... and while we may not be the healthiest kids on the block we are pretty smart and can see that that emotional effusiveness and instability isn't love. it's need, desperation, and resentment. and powerlessness. i abhor powerlessness. it's just like nails on a chalkboard to see an adult with no personal power.

In a healing environment, i do truly have empathy for it because the intention is to transform and become more independent. But in my inner circle in real life there are only people who are strong and self sufficient and able to endure hardship without letting it take over.

So it's just a totally different game for us. Or at least for me. I lost respect for my AP partners because they weren't able to get a handle on their emotional (immaturity) and i know that's painful to hear but it's in the literature as well.

it's really not cool to have all that emotional burden laid on me. i go away to decide how the hell i can put up with this given the good points of the "relationship"... to take a break and get away from the drama that is really inenjoyable and stifling, and eventually i had to leave AP partners to just live a calm life that i prefer. i stayed too long because i was conflicted.

I am sorry if this is painful but it is my experience .

When i offer analytical advice it is because i see AP blowing around and brainwashed by their own subjective perceptions and in a trap of caving to feelings and hoping someone else will do something about it, but nobody can.
it's hard to see even here on the forum. the helplessness.

But growth in that area is possible so i want to always encourage it. and i believe in each one of you. i do.

It's not that i don't get the emotional lability--- i just don't think it's healthy or effective for having a stable and geounded relationship with yourself or others.

Now, this is going to be different for an FA. i realize that.
i wanted to comment after i saw my name called out in the thread and the ensuing description of what may go on for a DA.

i'm not saying that we don't get close and then feel fear and draw back. but our "feeling close " is a very, very, very, different internal process with a totally different flavor than what is happening with an AP.