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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 4:37:30 GMT
@tgat, you keep answering my questions before I can post, while I'm still composing them.  haha! i am trying to quickly let you guys know i love ya too. i know what i wrote might be icky. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 27, 2018 4:49:02 GMT
I'm with kristyrose , this sums up exactly what it feels like from an AP's perspective. During our initial break up my lovely little avoidant told me that I'm an emotional person who thinks with his heart and she's a rational person who goes with her brain. Neither of us knew about this whole attachment style at the time. Please respect that this is exactly how it FEELS for us .Don't spare us the analysis @tgat , along with the support it's kinda what we're here. I'm sure that myself, Kristyrose, and madamebovary , would whole heartedly welcome your feedback. isn't it so crazy how different we are? and please understand that the analysis isn't mean to insult, it's my experience as i am sure your experience of avoidant behavior is equally off putting. we all just need to come closer to the middle haha! easier said than done but i am working on it and i know everyone else is too. i hope i haven't stepped too much on toes, but maybe it's helpful to see it from inside me. these issues are why the AP/DA dance is so damn dysfunctional, there is nothing good about it and both sides need to get healthier. There just isn't as much DA input in the board to clarify things from our perspective. i hope it's helpful and not too hurtful 😥 Hey T, Sure its hard for an AP like myself to hear how intolerable I can be, but it is important to get all perspectives and I appreciate how honest you are. That is precisely why I ask the question. Its funny though, I realized just now when you asked me about my AP experience over the weekend, I didn't really focus so much on how my ex affects me as much as my own embarrassment and shame and physical sensations. I think it would be helpful for me, to recognize how hurtful he was and triggering. And you may be right, he has some major differences from a lot of the avoidants on here. Was closeness for you, when the other person showed understanding for your needs for space? When they didn't take things personally and gave you the freedom you needed without making you feel guilty for it? |
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Post by guest on Feb 27, 2018 4:53:37 GMT
"and while we may not be the healthiest kids on the block we are pretty smart and can see that that emotional effusiveness and instability isn't love. it's need, desperation, and resentment. and powerlessness. i abhor powerlessness. it's just like nails on a chalkboard to see an adult with no personal power. "
While I do appreciate your honest feedback, this kinda came off sounding insulting and arrogant Tgat, just as there are many advantages to the traits that we "abhor" on avoidants, I believe there are many good points to what you call our "emotional effusiveness". I for one would never want to give up my innate ability to love deeply and unconditionally. To nurture this love for all living things has giving me more fulfillment than any one relationship ever has. I love life Tgat, even when it beats me down.
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Post by guest on Feb 27, 2018 4:54:57 GMT
it was kinda icky
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 4:57:27 GMT
kristyrose yes i felt close to my partner if they trusted me enough to let me be me without twisting my way of being into a personal attack on them. in other words, what killed my want to be close was being a villain in their eyes when i was caring, giving, listening, etc, and being what i thought was a decent partner. i think i posted before about how once when i was sitting outside enjoying the smells, sounds, sights of nature on a beautiful summer evening, my AP partner came and sat down next to me. i smiled and went back to enjoying the moment i was having, thinking he could enjoy it too. i looked over and he was absolutely seething and he attacked me for ignoring him. he was disgusted by me and my "rudeness". that was a day i remember feeling hate for him. he ruined every good moment by accusing me of doing it wrong somehow. i mean, that was such a great moment until he came and was so selfish and nasty. he was over the top, i don't know if all AP's behave that way. but yes, you said it well. just love me how i am, i am a feral creature a little bit but a very good creature!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:00:10 GMT
"and while we may not be the healthiest kids on the block we are pretty smart and can see that that emotional effusiveness and instability isn't love. it's need, desperation, and resentment. and powerlessness. i abhor powerlessness. it's just like nails on a chalkboard to see an adult with no personal power. " While I do appreciate your honest feedback, this kinda came off sounding insulting and arrogant Tgat, just as their are many advantages to the traits that we "abhor" on avoidants, I believe they're are many good points to what you call our "emotional effusiveness". I for one would never want to give up my innate ability to love deeply and unconditionally. To nurture this love for all living things has giving me more fulfillment than any one relationship ever has. I love life Tgat, even when it beats me down. like i said this was my experience. it wasn't intended to hurt. i read a lot of condescension about avoidants but i understand it's the experience of the person postingZ sorry bip. i am an emotional as well but not like am triggered AP. i am talking about the TRIGGERED state madame wrote about , and as i said the emotions arising from CONFLICT. Which is pretty steady in this pairing. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:01:58 GMT
this is how i experienced the TRIGGERED STATE of an AP, and it is very icky bip. |
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Post by guest on Feb 27, 2018 5:13:30 GMT
@tgat , i understand that you are entitled to your opinion, and us ours. We are all here to hopefully meet in the middle.
I also feel like I should point out that this is the support section for us AP's. Technically, and by your own past admission this is OUR space, for OUR healing. If an AP would start giving their perspective in the DA support section you would and have dumped on them harshly, and sent them on their way, yet none of us AP's have dismissed your perspective here, do you see a double standard at play, I certainly do.
Before you respond to that i challenge you to read some the interactions between you and some of the nosey AP's that seemed to have irritated you in the DA support section.
That said as an AP I do welcome your perspective here, but I should state that you should be extra consciences of this being our space.
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Post by guest on Feb 27, 2018 5:15:09 GMT
Got me all riled up @tgat   |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:20:08 GMT
Got me all riled up @tgat i know, hopefully we can work through it. i get what you are saying. i was going to spare analysis and i was asked. i was helpful to a point for kristy but you asked and i answered. she asked, i answered. my name was mentioned in a post. so i think i can just stay on the DA side of things and pull back and focus on other things i need to focus on. sorry, and i hope there have been helpful things thus far! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:23:39 GMT
I'm with kristyrose , this sums up exactly what it feels like from an AP's perspective. During our initial break up my lovely little avoidant told me that I'm an emotional person who thinks with his heart and she's a rational person who goes with her brain. Neither of us knew about this whole attachment style at the time. Please respect that this is exactly how it FEELS for us .Don't spare us the analysis @tgat , along with the support it's kinda what we're here. I'm sure that myself, Kristyrose, and madamebovary , would whole heartedly welcome your feedback. i gave it. |
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Post by guest on Feb 27, 2018 5:25:58 GMT
Maybe it's just the AP/DA dynamic at play. We are very inviting of outside perspectives when it comes to gaining an understanding of ourselves. Another AP trait I would never want to give up. it has made me who I am, and trust me Tgat I am anything but weak and powerless.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:26:53 GMT
i don't know what else to say other than my experience of the AP triggers was icky, it's icky to read my honest account of it. like i offered i will spare you guys further analysis 😬🤐🤐🤐
sorry guys!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:30:28 GMT
Maybe it's just the AP/DA dynamic at play. We are very inviting of outside perspectives when it comes to gaining an understanding of ourselves. Another AP trait I would never want to give up. it has made me who I am, and trust me Tgat I am anything but weak and powerless. i have to emphasize i was speaking to AP TRIGGERED BEHAVIOR. not who you are every day. goodness! i have a lot of respect for all here. madame talked about TRIGGERED behavior also. i dont know what else to say, i know it is common knowledge that triggered behavior is difficult to tolerate on both sides. its all gross! there is a difference between triggered behavior and normal, loving everyday stuff. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 5:32:56 GMT
i wrote "This is about the daily dynamic where different needs cause conflict and i'm the bad guy".
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