Embarrassed and need to confess

What an incredible thread. I think you’re making tremendous leaps, Kristy, and I’m so greatful you’re sharing them here.

Yes, you are so correct about the flooding of both positive and negative feelings. It can be overwhelming on both sides of it- I feel so much love for him sometimes, then just sheer panic mixed with anger while activated. A friend of mine is pretty Avoidant, but she has been seeing a therapist and working towards a more secure open attachment style. As a friend though, she was quite skittish about discussing emotions and would often disappear on me for no reason, one time for a year and came back as if nothing happened and she never wanted to discuss what actually did until more recently when she said she doesn't like getting too close to people. She definitely didn't trigger me at all, but I can now see very clearly how similar her behavior is to my ex and how she too applied a lot of logic to emotion based discussions and I did not understand it at all. I guess I still don't, just like you. I find it so very hard to detach from my feelings, but long to experience that on some level, so that I can feel stronger. 

KristyRose-when you said she went AWOL for A YEAR, and then came back like nothing happened... and you let her back in as a friend... this is honestly one of the beautiful things about APs, in my opinion. Most people would probably be none-too-keen to take a friend like that back into the fold. This is where APs really shine, and it’s one of the reasons that A LOT of APs I know are in careers where they have to be forgiving, accepting, patient... etc. I know one who is a social worker, working with kids that repeatedly get back into trouble, and one that works with elderly patients. I really do believe both sides have something to offer to the other side and it’s why I think, if you’re willing to do all the hard work together, an AP and an Avoidant could really help each other in a relationship..

madamebovary

I really love what you said here about AP's capacities for being forgiving, accepting and patient.

Often times, or more like all the time I forget about my strengths with this type of attachment, and this is a really positive thing to hold onto and remember. I absolutely agree that both sides have very positive things to offer the other. It could be a healing process for both.

Great post! And thank you for the support

wow, this may have nailed the AP side but it is Waayyyyy off base from the DA side lol! at least from my experience. it's just a dynamic that doesn't mesh.

that misperception about what goes on in a DA or what motivates behavior is a huge reason why the AP/DA dynamic can be so toxic.

mary quoted Jeb's site about this, at least one aspect of it, in another thread.


I'd be happy to spare you the analysis tho. 😘

this is not my experience AT ALL, but i'm not FA.
there is no comparison between the emotions of an avoidant and an AP. FA is a separate issue i can't speak to.
also, kristyrose, your ex is beyond conprehension and extremely narcissistic in my perception so i can't pretend to relate to him lol!! so don't take this personally!!
Please keep in mind i am writing subjectively and can't speak for all avoidants.

But the emotional liability and extreme swings of an AP are not happening in an avoidant in relation to their partner. it's not that there is some huge rush of emotion and we get scared and shut it down.
so far from reality.

I have to be honest about my experiences...
when confronted with the over the top emotional reactions and dependency of an AP ( the dependency and instability is apparent) it is such a huge turn off, its exasperating. and i know it's coming again, and again, and again. i see the pattern. i hear the promises to do better. and on and on. it is predictable and can only be tolerated if there is enough good to keep it going. that never happened for me. The literature also states that AP's are really not good team players and i found that to be true.

i see the emotional stuff as inappropriate and self centered. there is a real disconnect between what is actually happening in real time, and what the AP is interpreting and perceiving.
As Jeb said, (paraphrasing hugely here)the AP will read every facet of an avoidants behavior as some sort of an affront directed at them personally.

I have experienced this. Not only is it hugely disrespectful to the avoidant, it's annoying as hell. 😒
So by going away, i mean, "this is intolerable.
This is insane. This is ridiculous." I have never been one to disappear after "closeness" so i can't speak to that. this is about the daily dynamic where different needs cause conflict and i'm the bad guy.

we are not emotionally dependent on a partner for validation of our worth, etc.... and while we may not be the healthiest kids on the block we are pretty smart and can see that that emotional effusiveness and instability isn't love. it's need, desperation, and resentment. and powerlessness. i abhor powerlessness. it's just like nails on a chalkboard to see an adult with no personal power.

In a healing environment, i do truly have empathy for it because the intention is to transform and become more independent. But in my inner circle in real life there are only people who are strong and self sufficient and able to endure hardship without letting it take over.

So it's just a totally different game for us. Or at least for me. I lost respect for my AP partners because they weren't able to get a handle on their emotional (immaturity) and i know that's painful to hear but it's in the literature as well.

it's really not cool to have all that emotional burden laid on me. i go away to decide how the hell i can put up with this given the good points of the "relationship"... to take a break and get away from the drama that is really inenjoyable and stifling, and eventually i had to leave AP partners to just live a calm life that i prefer. i stayed too long because i was conflicted.

I am sorry if this is painful but it is my experience .

When i offer analytical advice it is because i see AP blowing around and brainwashed by their own subjective perceptions and in a trap of caving to feelings and hoping someone else will do something about it, but nobody can.
it's hard to see even here on the forum. the helplessness.

But growth in that area is possible so i want to always encourage it. and i believe in each one of you. i do.

It's not that i don't get the emotional lability--- i just don't think it's healthy or effective for having a stable and geounded relationship with yourself or others.

Now, this is going to be different for an FA. i realize that.
i wanted to comment after i saw my name called out in the thread and the ensuing description of what may go on for a DA.

i'm not saying that we don't get close and then feel fear and draw back. but our "feeling close " is a very, very, very, different internal process with a totally different flavor than what is happening with an AP.

@tgat, you keep answering my questions before I can post, while I'm still composing them.