How...

i would like to answer this question but first i would like to clarify that i am not trying to convince you of this, i therefore i will not be able to engage in any argument or rebuttals.
However, i can offer an illustration and try my best to explain 1) that it is possible and real and 2) this is my experience as an avoidant.

Here is my illustration, the best i can come up with right now.

I have many plants in my house. Among them, i have a Coleus plant that is vibrant, fast growing, colorful. it loves bright light and lots of water. When i give it those things it rewards me with so much color and even blooms, it's breathtaking.

I also have a Sansevieria plant that is beautiful, it is rugged and stately and graceful and likes dim light and very little water.

I know, from observing these plants, that i cannot put them in the same location with the same watering schedule and expect both to thrive. if i were to pot them in the same pot, and put them in one location together, and water them, one or the other would die. The Coleus needs water every other day to be happy. The Sansevieria will rot if watered more than once a month. They are both awesome but cannot grow together in the same pot.

Neither plant is more alive, or more beautiful. they are different. they have different qualities, they each add something beautiful to the landscape, they have different requirements.

People are like this too. it need not be questioned as much as it needs to be accepted.

Now, it so happens that I am a sansevieria and my partner is also. we are both avoidants working toward health and healing. Our relationship consists of very much independence and space, but for me, this is valuable and feels like good love. It is steadfast and allows me the inner freedom to take care of my self and my life and other things i value besides the relationship. The ability to have this space and freedom, knowing it does not make my partner suffer, gives me peace and happiness and cements the bond. I always know he is there and cares for me. and he can count on my care as well. i don't believe he questions it at all. he assumes it. as do i. otherwise we would not bother to be together in any capacity. by the way we do not speak of love. we just behave lovingly in a way that is natural to us. there is another difference in what people need. the list of differences is too long to cover here.

I have been with partners who have very different needs and we both suffered tremendously.

That is the best i can do to explain it.

Thank you for the feedback. I have no problems giving space and independence. I have discussed this with my partner and she doesn't seem to see it. It's obviously not going to work for me because I want a partner that I can rely on and not break commitments. Knowing this on an intellectual level doesn't reduce my sadness though. This is the first time I have ever really been in a relationship like this. It's thoroughly confusing. "I don't want a relationship" and in the next breath asking "how can we break this cycle". Agreeing to go out of town and work on us and then cancelling because a friend has a hangnail and that's where she needs to be. And of course when I try to discuss this, it's me "starting in" so the blame is on me and the communication ceases.

My DA partner explained it like this.. He said the other people he hangs out with he doesnt have to leave with. There are no expectations and they dont get bummed out if he doesnt see them. I guess this is his way of saying they dont require any of his emotions and he feels like I do. Not an easy pill to swallow but at least its an honest viewpoint.

Its hard to understand from the other side. Ive been a DA as far back as I remember so in my mind I require so little.. Im not clingy or touchy or jealous in general. We always have a good time but its so sparse that im included with any outside activities. Its difficult to not take it personal that that he has plans with friends every night he has off but cant make a plans with me. I get worked in between stuff. Here is another example.. his father recently died. He ignored me for two days. I respected his needs but it wasnt easy and it stung quite a bit. For me, the first person I'd call is my partner. For him it was very different.

You try to give some acceptance because you know you're different from one another in how you love but sometimes you have to ask if its something you can live with. I dont think I can but not sure If i can stick with leaving either. So right now im doing nothing.. not reaching out..not making plans. Just sitting with it and looking inward and feeling it.

and also they are excited about all the things i love, and that i love to do. a partner might resent those things and i understand.
my partner and i share one activity sporadically, other than our once a week together time .
we talk about our separate activities a little. we know a basic frame about each other's day to day lives, but there is lots we don't mention.
it really is fine, for us. we know what we mean to each other.

so it's such an individual thing, it really is about what suits you.
it's so sad when you can't find what works with someone you care about, and you feel left out.
so i understand.

ok, i'm sorry that you're hurting but i was only trying to answer the OP's question and your quote was involved, i was answering the question originally posed. i'm sorry i quoted and addressed you, i won't do that again so you don't feel rebutted. 
Your position is completely valid, just sharing the answer to Bedlams inquiry. 
my apologies! 

oh good, nic ! i didn't want to hurt you with what i said.
and in typical avoidant fashion, i didn't include what underlies these ways of mine.
i am aware of the pain and alienation and rejection i felt as a scapegoat in a very abusive and oppressive family. i didn't feel overlooked, i felt targeted. i was blamed for everything and totally obliterated.
so i feel a sense of belonging and child like happiness when i have my adventures and friends.
i am proud when i buy new gear for a hobby, i didn't have things i loved growing up . i was always making do.
alone! i learned to love my imagination.
so now i have control of what i do and i feel free and happy.
my friends celebrate my life with me.
this is nothing against a person who needs more inclusion. i understand that also!
my life is very compartmentalized and it confuses even me, it's so natural and i still am figuring out why.
so finding a partner that fits me, with my quirks, has been really precious.
i would make another partner very unhappy, just by being the me i need to be.
that's all. it doesn't make me right and someone else wrong in my eyes.
but it's been healing to me to be free. like, so healing i often stop and think "wow, i am living my dream."

my partner is also very precious to me. the dynamic with him is special and unique among my relationships.
he is irreplacable. i get nervous about how much i want and need him but i try to just push through that and be brave and enjoy the day by day experience i get to share with him in this life. if i had to lose anyone, between my friends and him. i would miss him the most. that's true. it's hard even to say it because it doesn't seem fair to my friends who love me too. but it's different.

we are just another way