How...

Outside of sexual trauma, I just don't really understand what the shame is. Can you give me some generic examples of shame that avoidants might tend to experience? Sorry. I'm just trying to get a better understanding.

judging by that, i would say she does not choose to let you in to that aspect of her life and that's something you'll have to accept, painful as it is.

If she presents as all together to you, then she hasn't asked you to come in and help her with all that, hopefully she can get some therapeutic support at some point.

I don't know if it's possible to understand her without a direct account from her and she isn't offering that.

i'm sorry

but if she hasn't, then she hasn't.
she doesn't have to, i know you know she doesn't owe you that. it's her life, her healing. you want something from her (love, validation, relationship, etc, so i don't think you're a good therapeutic choice for her but that's her business, i would never recommend that but that's her deal.

you probably know the boundaries around therapists/ personal relationships/ therapeutic relationship and why they exist, it's for the emotional safety of individuals involved. i wouldn't expect it to be different in your case, you have a vested selfish (not judging- but you need things from her emotionally if you are a partner ) interest in her healing and that's never a great therapeutic environment to be in- it could injure her more because of YOUR emotions. i am surprised that you would look for that actually.

and, in terms of shame in general i don't know of any generic avoidant shame, it's all highly individual and based upon the makeup and situations of each individual, the abuse they endured, etc. it's all individual.

She didn't mean talking to me as a therapist. just opening up about it.

As I read this thread, a thought occurs to me that some people ask question after question, but don't see it as "pushing" boundaries. As an avoidant, I have been on the receiving end of this kind of "love" and it is clearly boundary pushing for me. If you want someone to be vulnerable to you, you can't push boundaries.

it is my opinion that the LAST person a sexually traumatized individual should begin to unpack this trauma with is a partner who is hurt and disappointed by their relationship behavior or lack of emotional intimacy skills.

to even participate in that or agree to it as a professional therapist, seems like such a huge boundary violation.

a partner CANNOT be an objective, safe, listening ear for this kind of work, and the therapist in the situation should know that, in my opinion.

we as partners can't play armchair psychologist when we have an emotional interest in how deep trauma problems are resolved.
we partners, who argue and fight over unmet needs and this and that and all the things couples argue about, with hurt feelings and anger, can't put ourselves in a therapeutic roles with our partners, and ensure their emotional safety with us, can we?

Having emotional intimacy between partners is one thing, deep therapeutic work for sexual trauma is quite another.

Am i way off base here? i'm not thinking so but this is just my response to this.

i'm reiterating this because bedlam71 you said she wouldn't be talking to you as a therapist, but just "opening up " about it. This is not something i have seen people casually open up about without opening a huge can of worms. i don't understand your perspective on that, it kind of confuses me.

Not that I need to say this but I even told my ex there is no way in hell I would do that with her.