Does avoidant attachment successfully lessen pain?

Um, ok, other Avoidants (except Juniper) out there might venture a guess?

I could venture, but I'd have to charge... ;-p

No undercutters here!

we could make a partnership, we might be onto something here 🤔

And that’s the difference between DA and FA. I do the crappy AP stuff, and the worst of the DA stuff.

Reflecting on this a little more - perhaps when suffering does become a choice, we begin to experience real freedom. Not freedom from painful experience but freedom of choice as to whether to cling to the pain/ refuse to experience the pain - or sit with the pain and let it run its course in order to live outside of the shackles of our past.

I’m currently working on changing my attachment style, it’s very painful, and I’m reading and learning a ton. This is where I’m coming from…

The dictionary definition of suffering isn’t much different than that of pain. But for arguments sake let’s assume pain is not optional, suffering is optional, and suffering occurs when one makes choices that sustains pain. From that point of view, this is my take on whether “APs bring emotional pain upon themselves by clinging to painful relationships” and “choose suffering”.

In order to choose an option a person has to be aware that the option exists. AP responses are survival instincts that develop when some babies aren’t given the nurturing they need, since babies that aren’t nurtured enough can die. These responses are not a choice, but rather an instinct that occurs before a person is capable of making a choice.

OPTION 1 – Cling or let go
Clinging to painful relationships is a choice that is hurtful without a doubt. But for an AP choosing to let go is also incredibly painful. I honestly don’t know what’s more painful. I spent most of my life knowing my responses were out of proportion to the circumstance around having to detach. Manifesting in a feeling of dread in my body, detaching and being alone often feels as though I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and someone is holding a gun to my head, screaming at me to jump. The pain and terror can be more intense than I can describe. This confused me to no end, drove me to believe I was a totally broken person, and ultimately unlovable. Although letting go allowed me to move on eventually, the pattern repeated over and over. I seriously asked myself whether staying in a relationship, letting go, or giving up on love altogether was more painful. And the truth is, I think they are all equally painful to an AP, and none are sustainable or healthy. It’s only this year that I came to learn what I now believe, that the only chance an AP has for lessening pain in a sustainable way and moving towards healthy relationships is by working on changing their responses and attachment style. If an AP is unaware that their attachment style is the root of the issue, they can’t change it, the option to make a choice that ends pain is not available, so no, in this way they are not choosing to suffer.

Option 2 – Changing your attachment style
Having been this way almost forever, I think many people believe these responses are an unchangeable part of who they are. I have been in therapy more often than not during my life but it’s only this year, after 27 years of experiencing this, that I learned that both my emotional and physical responses are a result of trauma I experienced as a baby, when I feared that my life was truly in danger. If a person learns that AP responses are the result of trauma and can be changed, they have a choice to work towards change. But attachment styles and mental health are so complicated, deeply engrained, take time to heal, and sadly full healing often doesn’t occur despite best efforts. Also, the pain this work brings up is often so overwhelming that people turn away from doing the work in order to survive. In the not so distant past it was not uncommon for people who did therapy to kill themselves because the pain it brought up was so extreme. That’s why therapies today include a variety of coping skills to regulate emotions, as well as methods to uncover root issues, and cognitive strategies to change beliefs. But the hard reality is that healing is still not guaranteed and the process is still incredibly painful. If an AP is aware that their attachment style is the root of the issue, they can work to change it, and eventually they may feel less pain. The pain will still be extreme until things change, and the work involved in making the changes can be excruciating, but there is a chance to alter the pattern. The option to make a choice that might reduce the pain is available, but not guaranteed, so they can choose to risk the pain involved with ending the pain in the hopes of preventing sustained “suffering”.

In conclusion, initial AP responses are not a choice any more than the trauma experienced by any person that has been to war, raped, etc. If a person is not aware that their responses are the result of trauma, they will not know their options, and they can’t select an option they don’t know about. If they do become aware of the trauma, they can do the certainly painful work, in the hopes of changing their attachment style, lessening the pain, and preventing “suffering”. As I mentioned, I’ve chosen to work on my attachment style, I’m going through that process right now, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I've only posted your conclusion here notalone but I think all the points you make are excellent.

I completely agree that the responses of APs are not a choice, and changing the responses to triggers is the only way to lessen the pain, and therefore the suffering. 

I don't think these responses can change just by people telling an AP to work on themselves (though awareness is obviously the first step). Maybe it's because that often leads to APs trying to intellectualise why they do what they do. I believe that is actually one of the main reasons APs ruminate so much - they're trying to intellectualise something that can't be solved by thinking. For unaware DAs i imagine it's the opposite - they don't ruminate, but instead trap the pain before it becomes too conscious. Both feel pain, both are unhealthy ways of releasing it (or not).

Like you, i believe getting to the root of the trauma and repairing it is the only real way to prevent suffering (or at least decrease it). I'm currently undertaking Somatic Experiencing therapy which uses a bottom up (body before cognition) approach and it's incredible what insights come up simply by recognising the bodily responses to perceived threats. The premise here is that the body is the first to react to the situation that triggers trauma, and the mind is then interpreting this response and building a story from it, then the emotional release occurs. So recognising the bodily responses allows us to intercept them before the mind builds that story. It happens in a split second though, which is why therapy is usually needed to help slow down and re-wire the response

What it has helped me conclude is that i can't control the responses (body) at the moment, and probably won't be able to for a while. Like notalone said, working on changing attachment style is hard work and it brings up a lot of emotion and pain.

However, I personally think there's another approach that can help deal with the mind (top down) until one has properly worked on the trauma. Avoiding triggers and being really honest about what those triggers are. This is where i DO think APs choose to suffer.

When we check our exes social media, when we spend hours ruminating over what certain texts mean or don't mean, when we calculate how long since they've been online and build a story about why, when we talk to our exes to get that hit of dopamine and then feel awful later and replay the conversation in our minds. These ARE choices that are causing suffering because they aren't being made from the place of the trauma (though I acknowledge they are being made by the part of us that experienced the trauma), they are being decided upon and causing a reaction in the body and then the mind. The trauma itself can't make you interact with someone or check their social media. I used to believe that the best time to work on one's triggers is when we are triggered, but I'm revising my position on this. Unless you are prepared to simply accept what is (which is also a cognitive choice and can be cultivated through mindfulness, yoga etc) then you are putting yourself in situations where the trauma will be re-lived and you will build a story from it and then you will suffer. Buddhists believe that all suffering occurs in the mind.

I'm not saying that acknowledging how triggers make us feel can't help us become more aware of ourselves, but if you're not also working on the trauma itself (and NOT by just analysing it), I'm not sure putting oneself in triggering situations will do anything but increase suffering. Just an idea I've been thinking about - feel free to rip it to shreds