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Post by notalone on Jun 12, 2018 20:20:03 GMT
Can any avoidant people speak to whether detaching successfully prevents you from feeling emotional pain? As someone who attaches insecurely but with an anxious style, I often wonder this.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 20:23:08 GMT
Yes, the better you are at detaching from a futile situation, in relationships or in life, the better for your state of mind moving forward. It is the proverbial crying over spilled milk - if you can't undo the damage, then you just have to mop it up and move onto the next cow. 
If you stay and can't stop crying over the spilled milk, then you are prolonging a miserable futile situation by your own volition.
Just my two cents, good luck!
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2018 20:32:03 GMT
Can any avoidant people speak to whether detaching successfully prevents you from feeling emotional pain? As someone who attaches insecurely but with an anxious style, I often wonder this. I think from the outside, a DA appears to move on more effortlessly...but I don't necessarily agree that they experience less emotional pain...it may end up being delayed pain that catches up with them later on. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 12, 2018 20:36:45 GMT
Also..it is important to note that the focus of a DA and the focus of an AP are different...the AP is focused on the relationship, whereas the DA is focused outside the relationship. That is not to say that either is bad or wrong....but it does mean that the combination of DA and AP is a challenging one....the AP feels a "lack" from the DA and the DA feels "smothered" by the AP.
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Post by ocarina on Jun 12, 2018 20:39:53 GMT
Can any avoidant people speak to whether detaching successfully prevents you from feeling emotional pain? As someone who attaches insecurely but with an anxious style, I often wonder this. From personal experience yes - but absence of pain often translates to absence of other emotions including joy and wonder. I do sometimes think that APs bring emotional pain upon themselves by clinging to painful relationships. Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is a choice - can't remember who said that but wise words..... |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 21:28:37 GMT
i do not feel an absence of emotional pain.
the difference for me as a da (on border with secure) is that i don't ruminate or obsesses. i don't numb. i don't avoid it. i deal with it.
the absence of rumination and obsession does not mean there is an absence of pain. there is a different way of dealing with it.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 13, 2018 0:11:44 GMT
Relationships where I'm more AP are significantly more painful than relationships where I'm more avoidant. However, I think as an avoidant, emotions can be below the surface and less immediately accessible or something one may be as consciously aware of, but can still come out at crisis points. In other words, it's not like an avoidant person doesn't have emotions. Also I think sometimes for an avoidant person, the emotions may manifest in other ways (anger for instance, or less often, disgust, or maybe a form of fear) as opposed to pain.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 13, 2018 0:13:30 GMT
Can any avoidant people speak to whether detaching successfully prevents you from feeling emotional pain? As someone who attaches insecurely but with an anxious style, I often wonder this. I think from the outside, a DA appears to move on more effortlessly...but I don't necessarily agree that they experience less emotional pain...it may end up being delayed pain that catches up with them later on.
I think this can be true in one's relationship towards literal death too-- someone who appears apathetic or unemotional when another person dies, but the emotions will rise up weeks or months or years later.
I guess with relationships that are a metaphoric death the same can apply, but I wanted to point this out because sometimes people think that others don't care about literal deaths and I think it's just a different way of processing.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 13, 2018 0:14:27 GMT
i do not feel an absence of emotional pain. the difference for me as a da (on border with secure) is that i don't ruminate or obsesses. i don't numb. i don't avoid it. i deal with it. the absence of rumination and obsession does not mean there is an absence of pain. there is a different way of dealing with it.
Juniper, what does it mean to you to "deal with it"?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 0:46:09 GMT
i do not feel an absence of emotional pain. the difference for me as a da (on border with secure) is that i don't ruminate or obsesses. i don't numb. i don't avoid it. i deal with it. the absence of rumination and obsession does not mean there is an absence of pain. there is a different way of dealing with it.
Juniper, what does it mean to you to "deal with it"?
just referencing my process for healing my pain- identifying it, feeling it, challenging narratives, finding out what it is telling me, making choices around it, etc. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 3:14:03 GMT
i do not feel an absence of emotional pain. the difference for me as a da (on border with secure) is that i don't ruminate or obsesses. i don't numb. i don't avoid it. i deal with it. the absence of rumination and obsession does not mean there is an absence of pain. there is a different way of dealing with it.
Juniper, what does it mean to you to "deal with it"?
i just finished a gratitude practice and realized that i also utilize gratitude and calling to mind the things i am so thankful for, to balance pain and suffering with joy and contentment. the two opposites can come in waves but actively calling to mind the wonderful things in my life creates balance and perspective that helps heal pain. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 13:06:50 GMT
Since our breakup, my exDA has been working himself to death in another country  , 8am to 10pm, everyday. I don't know why but it makes my heart ache to hear this. Is this his way of coping? He just shows by not contacting that he doesn't miss me, I asked him for a favor recently and we exchanged an occasional message, and he wrote that he's been working 8am-10pm everyday every time he sent me sms, is he taking it harder than I think?  Would love to hear DAs' opinion if it could be related to the breakup. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 13:13:38 GMT
Since our breakup, my exDA has been working himself to death in another country , 8am to 10pm, everyday. I don't know why but it makes my heart ache to hear this. Is this his way of coping? He just shows by not contacting that he doesn't miss me, but perhaps he's taking it harder than I think? Would love to hear DAs' opinion if it could be related to the breakup. i charge for love psychic services , but for a small fee (payable through paypal) , i would be happy to reiterate to you that the only way to know what your EX is thinking is to open the channel and ask them directly and listen carefully to what they have to say. 😬 |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 13, 2018 13:26:43 GMT
Can any avoidant people speak to whether detaching successfully prevents you from feeling emotional pain? As someone who attaches insecurely but with an anxious style, I often wonder this. From personal experience yes - but absence of pain often translates to absence of other emotions including joy and wonder. I do sometimes think that APs bring emotional pain upon themselves by clinging to painful relationships. Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is a choice - can't remember who said that but wise words..... I wanted to respond to this..but I wanted to wait until I could do so from an adult, reflective perspective. I am not going to be a poster child for APs, but for me...that "suffering" that you say is optional and self inflected...I agree that to someone from the outside looking in, that is exactly what it looks like...but to me, to my own process...it does not "feel" like a choice...it feels no more like a choice then when I experienced the pain of rejection from my mom when I was very, very young. When I am in a place which looks like "suffering" to others, oftentimes I realize that I was simply in a repressed state...a very young state where there are not a lot of "options" and the options that were available (fantasizing, obssessing, checking, questioning, ruminating, hyper focusing, crying etc etc) all look like self inflicted suffering to someone who has a lot more adult options at his/her disposal. This is a very important step for me, believe it or not. Too often, I have agreed with others and ended up very angry with myself over my actions that seem so...crazy, detrimental, harmful..but really, when I see them how they are..they are simply coping skills of a very young girl. Like me/dislike me...this is where I am...this is my truth. This is where I get to be vunerable. Now, I am working on this...more so by being aware that it happened and by giving myself grace and permission to be exactly who I am. It is a process but I believe that awareness is half the battle. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2018 13:27:10 GMT
i charge for love psychic services , but for a small fee (payable through paypal) , i would be happy to reiterate to you that the only way to know what your EX is thinking is to open the channel and ask them directly and listen carefully to what they have to say. 😬 Haha, you do know that you will never hear the truth about such "weaknesses" from a DA?  He would rather die than to admit to anything close to this.
So I need to read between the lines, why doe he tell me repeatedly, every message, that he is working 14 hours a day? It is crazy...is it to tell me to bugger off, he is too busy to even send a one minute text, or is it a cry for help?
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, 8am to 10pm, everyday. I don't know why but it makes my heart ache to hear this. 
He would rather die than to admit to anything close to this.