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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2018 15:40:44 GMT
yes! i also believe suffering ultimately becomes a choice. i have been able to identify coping mechanisms that are maladaptive, and discard them in the interest of loving myself well, and taking good care of myself. Juniper..I want to thank you for the above (yes, I acknowledge that I altered it)...because i realized that part of what is happening within me is an emeshment issue. Case in point, I read the above...which is clearly about you and not about me at all...but I read it as if it was a statement about me (and started to react, I sensed feelings of sadness and anger as if it was about me). And I acknowledge that that has been a great source of emotional pain...not having good "boundaries" of where you end and where I begin. It was really eye opening to feel my little girl take that so personally. And what seemed to work is 1. Acknowledge that the above is about you and honor that it is about you and 2. Then differentiate myself, in a loving, gentle caring manner that honors you and my little girl..I think that is the beginning of boundary forming for me. 🙂 I think this awareness is going to continue to serve me well as I separate and define myself via my body and emotions. So thank you for that post even though it was not meant for or about me. ❤️ i appreciate what you're saying here, tnr9, and think we can both appreciate that you are working on your boundaries about this. this was about me and if you find it triggering it's great to recognize that and identify it in yourself and work on that internally, i think. that said, i see this as a fairly applicable principle for others i see suffering as well. i agree fully with what flic wrote in the post about choosing behaviors that place one in pain- i can't quote it exactly here but i am in agreement with that take. people will have differing opinions about that and i don't really like to debate those differences because at the end of the day, we each get to choose how we recover. we each reap what we sow, essentially. what you do for your recovery and healing has no impact on me or my life, it's completely your choice how you do you!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2018 15:41:33 GMT
notalone , i want to encourage you to have faith in the process. those of us who have found what we were looking for, relief , are here to encourage you and help you see that healing is possible. you are doing this right. Very proud of you, i know the struggle. big hugs! OK, I'm just going to come out with it and tell you I have tears streaming down my face reading this. It's so emotional on so many levels, the pain, the hint of hope, all of it... Thank-you so much. BIG HUGS AND LOVE! it's sincere, and if i could i would give you a big warm hug ❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2018 15:53:00 GMT
Juniper..I want to thank you for the above (yes, I acknowledge that I altered it)...because i realized that part of what is happening within me is an emeshment issue. Case in point, I read the above...which is clearly about you and not about me at all...but I read it as if it was a statement about me (and started to react, I sensed feelings of sadness and anger as if it was about me). And I acknowledge that that has been a great source of emotional pain...not having good "boundaries" of where you end and where I begin. It was really eye opening to feel my little girl take that so personally. And what seemed to work is 1. Acknowledge that the above is about you and honor that it is about you and 2. Then differentiate myself, in a loving, gentle caring manner that honors you and my little girl..I think that is the beginning of boundary forming for me. 🙂 I think this awareness is going to continue to serve me well as I separate and define myself via my body and emotions. So thank you for that post even though it was not meant for or about me. ❤️ i appreciate what you're saying here, tnr9, and think we can both appreciate that you are working on your boundaries about this. this was about me and if you find it triggering it's great to recognize that and identify it in yourself and work on that internally, i think. that said, i see this as a fairly applicable principle for others i see suffering as well. i agree fully with what flic wrote in the post about choosing behaviors that place one in pain- i can't quote it exactly here but i am in agreement with that take. people will have differing opinions about that and i don't really like to debate those differences because at the end of the day, we each get to choose how we recover. we each reap what we sow, essentially. what you do for your recovery and healing has no impact on me or my life, it's completely your choice how you do you! Juniper..thank you..and yes, agreeing with your statement that my individual healing process has no impact on your healing process or your life. I am also grateful that you saw value in it with others....I think developing good boundaries (while respecting the boundaries of others) is an important step forward for me. I believe it ties into the spacial issues I have as well. Good stuff coming out of this thread. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2018 15:58:21 GMT
i appreciate what you're saying here, tnr9, and think we can both appreciate that you are working on your boundaries about this. this was about me and if you find it triggering it's great to recognize that and identify it in yourself and work on that internally, i think. that said, i see this as a fairly applicable principle for others i see suffering as well. i agree fully with what flic wrote in the post about choosing behaviors that place one in pain- i can't quote it exactly here but i am in agreement with that take. people will have differing opinions about that and i don't really like to debate those differences because at the end of the day, we each get to choose how we recover. we each reap what we sow, essentially. what you do for your recovery and healing has no impact on me or my life, it's completely your choice how you do you! Juniper..thank you..and yes, agreeing with your statement that my individual healing process has no impact on your healing process or your life. I am also grateful that you saw value in it with others....I think developing good boundaries (while respecting the boundaries of others) is an important step forward for me. I believe it ties into the spacial issues I have as well. Good stuff coming out of this thread. absolutely! i can give you a quick example of how i keep my boundaries around things that you post that are somewhat unnerving to me as well. and how i deal with it. I have seen you post about your process around facebook stalking your ex, or stalking on other social media. while you find your process to be one of curiosity about yourself, it creeps me out because i have had people obsessed with and stalking me and trying to figure out parts of my life i have purposely not shared with them. i have felt very violated and repelled when the stalking was disclosed to me, and it ended all association. but, i recognize that it is not me you are stalking, i am in no way affected by the process you choose to explore your issues. so, i refrain from commenting , and letting you know it is triggering to me. i just regard it as you doing your process and it is not directed at me. it doesn't involve me. so i leave it alone. boundaries such as this are vital on a forum addressing these kinds of topics. it's a great discussion. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2018 16:14:55 GMT
Juniper..thank you..and yes, agreeing with your statement that my individual healing process has no impact on your healing process or your life. I am also grateful that you saw value in it with others....I think developing good boundaries (while respecting the boundaries of others) is an important step forward for me. I believe it ties into the spacial issues I have as well. Good stuff coming out of this thread. absolutely! i can give you a quick example of how i keep my boundaries around things that you post that are somewhat unnerving to me as well. and how i deal with it. I have seen you post about your process around facebook stalking your ex, or stalking on other social media. while you find your process to be one of curiosity about yourself, it creeps me out because i have had people obsessed with and stalking me and trying to figure out parts of my life i have purposely not shared with them. i have felt very violated and repelled when the stalking was disclosed to me, and it ended all association. but, i recognize that it is not me you are stalking, i am in no way affected by the process you choose to explore your issues. so, i refrain from commenting , and letting you know it is triggering to me. i just regard it as you doing your process and it is not directed at me. it doesn't involve me. so i leave it alone. boundaries such as this are vital on a forum addressing these kinds of topics. it's a great discussion. I appreciate you sharing this Juniper. And you are correct that my "checking" of B's FB page/social media activities is not tied to you...but having said that, I am sorry that you found it triggering and more importantly...I am sorry that others have stalked you trying to gleen personal/confidential information. That is not cool! 😕 The only reason I posted was because I thought others might find use in my revealing my issue with engulfment and the need for better boundaries. I typically prefer to journal to write out my thoughts and return to them later...but I do like how you refrain from posting and how you recognize that each person's journey to healing is unique. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2018 17:16:12 GMT
absolutely! i can give you a quick example of how i keep my boundaries around things that you post that are somewhat unnerving to me as well. and how i deal with it. I have seen you post about your process around facebook stalking your ex, or stalking on other social media. while you find your process to be one of curiosity about yourself, it creeps me out because i have had people obsessed with and stalking me and trying to figure out parts of my life i have purposely not shared with them. i have felt very violated and repelled when the stalking was disclosed to me, and it ended all association. but, i recognize that it is not me you are stalking, i am in no way affected by the process you choose to explore your issues. so, i refrain from commenting , and letting you know it is triggering to me. i just regard it as you doing your process and it is not directed at me. it doesn't involve me. so i leave it alone. boundaries such as this are vital on a forum addressing these kinds of topics. it's a great discussion. I appreciate you sharing this Juniper. And you are correct that my "checking" of B's FB page/social media activities is not tied to you...but having said that, I am sorry that you found it triggering and more importantly...I am sorry that others have stalked you trying to gleen personal/confidential information. That is not cool! 😕 The only reason I posted was because I thought others might find use in my revealing my issue with engulfment and the need for better boundaries. I typically prefer to journal to write out my thoughts and return to them later...but I do like how you refrain from posting and how you recognize that each person's journey to healing is unique. in the same spirit, i would appreciate if you refrain from quoting me to work out your triggers, let's live and let live and work our own processes if you don't mind. i like interacting on more helpful topics, and would like the triggers to lie in our own realms of responsibility. thank you so much! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2018 17:51:38 GMT
That is a fair request Juniper...point taken.🙂
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Post by mrob on Jun 16, 2018 0:39:39 GMT
All that is fine, and we all choose what we contribute, but I would hate to see a sterile discussion board because everybody is frightened of crossing each other’s boundaries. We’re here because we’re insecurely attached and, hopefully, looking to move towards a more secure, functional attachment style. Being confronted and sometimes offended is surely likely when discussing such deep issues, especially when there are such different points of view. I like hearing how other people work, even if I don’t understand it at all.
Long life freedom of expression and the freedom, here, to anonymously bare all, should we choose to do so.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2018 1:50:04 GMT
All that is fine, and we all choose what we contribute, but I would hate to see a sterile discussion board because everybody is frightened of crossing each other’s boundaries. We’re here because we’re insecurely attached and, hopefully, looking to move towards a more secure, functional attachment style. Being confronted and sometimes offended is surely likely when discussing such deep issues, especially when there are such different points of view. I like hearing how other people work, even if I don’t understand it at all. Long life freedom of expression and the freedom, here, to anonymously bare all, should we choose to do so. i'd simply like my boundaries for interaction with me personally to be respected, as i am here for my own process and to contribute. im not here for anyone else, except as support that i am willing to offer. if i can't have some simple boundaries respected, as others respect, as in this case with tnr9, i don't care to waste my time here. i have specific things i'd like to work on and that doesn't involve talking about someone else's ex because i might be an expert in their attachment style, or having to work through someone else's poor boundary and subsequent trigger. that's just where i'm at with this board, and don't value it enough to mess with mucb. anyone else can stay, go, interact how they choose, it makes no difference to me. i'm not here to take care of everyone else at the expense of me, that's for sure. i've got solid relationships in real life that respect my boundaries and i respect the other's- and this internet forum is a casual place where i enjoy posting and reading on various topics related to attachment issues- but if it becomes a real pain in the ass it's not worth it, it's just a forum and not worth the headache if it gets sideways. that's just my position, not expecting others to agree. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 16, 2018 2:52:19 GMT
I just want to speak up for myself here..I meant what I said...I don't have any issue with respecting the boundary that Juniper has drawn. I understand that all that is being requested of me is that I not quote her if I am triggered (hopefully I got that right Juniper). I actually see some mutual benefit...because I am working on developing my own boundaries.🙂
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2018 3:05:10 GMT
I just want to speak up for myself here..I meant what I said...I don't have any issue with respecting the boundary that Juniper has drawn. I understand that all that is being requested of me is that I not quote her if I am triggered (hopefully I got that right Juniper). I actually see some mutual benefit...because I am working on developing my own boundaries.🙂 yes, i think it's great we were able to set boundaries and show appreciation and respect for that. there is so much else to talk about that's on topic and beneficial! this thread has been great, and DIVERSE. i like the forum and if we all can ask for and respect boundaries i think that's a great way to work it! |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 16, 2018 9:19:08 GMT
Meanwhile, I'm well into Waking The Tiger now - by Peter Levine, the founder of SE therapy. Well worth the read! goldilocks and juniper the way he talks about healing trauma sounds very similar to both your way of describing it (blocks of ice or knots of veins) and with how you were able to release your emotions and pain. It's so inspiring to hear from people who have successfully moved to secure. I've realised that the idea of 'focusing on the self' - literally means focusing in as specifically as possible - on the body, the feelings, the sensations, the emotions. When you do that, there's no room for thinking about the 'other', because they don't exist. Let me add that to my list of books to read! I found it useful to distinguish between sensations in the body, emotions colouring those sensations and the thoughts and judgements we use to label them. Moving on to secure is not easy but it can be done. And I am glad you are inspired. Do know that it is a continuum and every step you take is an improvement and widens your relationship options and increases your chances of being happy and having a partner be happy around you. I guess from an AP point of view, it is good to crowd out thoughts about the other and prevent rumination. |
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flic
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Post by flic on Jun 17, 2018 13:35:53 GMT
Let me add that to my list of books to read!
I found it useful to distinguish between sensations in the body, emotions colouring those sensations and the thoughts and judgements we use to label them.
Moving on to secure is not easy but it can be done. And I am glad you are inspired. Do know that it is a continuum and every step you take is an improvement and widens your relationship options and increases your chances of being happy and having a partner be happy around you.
I guess from an AP point of view, it is good to crowd out thoughts about the other and prevent rumination. I really like the idea of it being a continuum... I can actually feel it - it's early days but starting to tap into my bodily sensations more, unclenching my jaw when i feel it clenching, doing more yin yoga, hearing and soothing my inner child, I'm starting to feel more like I'm actually 'in myself' if that makes sense?
I know this is a little off topic (but actually maybe not) but it's made me wonder about the connection between being conscious of one's body and sensations and the building of healthy boundaries? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 17, 2018 14:38:14 GMT
I really like the idea of it being a continuum... I can actually feel it - it's early days but starting to tap into my bodily sensations more, unclenching my jaw when i feel it clenching, doing more yin yoga, hearing and soothing my inner child, I'm starting to feel more like I'm actually 'in myself' if that makes sense?
I know this is a little off topic (but actually maybe not) but it's made me wonder about the connection between being conscious of one's body and sensations and the building of healthy boundaries?I have had a similiar thought flic...I too have wondered if healthy boundaries have eluded me because I was so disconnected from my body. Even in my relationships..it seems I was more willing to give in to physical desires from my partners as a way to secure them. And that is a really difficult thing to admit. There is a book by Dr Gabor Mate called When the body says no and it is about the cost of stress on our health. |
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 17, 2018 16:44:01 GMT
I really like the idea of it being a continuum... I can actually feel it - it's early days but starting to tap into my bodily sensations more, unclenching my jaw when i feel it clenching, doing more yin yoga, hearing and soothing my inner child, I'm starting to feel more like I'm actually 'in myself' if that makes sense?
I know this is a little off topic (but actually maybe not) but it's made me wonder about the connection between being conscious of one's body and sensations and the building of healthy boundaries?I do think so. The body lets us know if something is not right; a sinking feeling in the stomach, your gut saying no, a knot in the belly... The body is wise, and has much to tell us if only we listen. Healthy boundaries come when we listen to the body and the body is responding in a healthy way. We can also assert boundaries through common sense. At best we have both and our gut, heart and mind are speaking in alignment so we can act in unison and realise our intentions. |
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