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Post by anne12 on Nov 10, 2018 14:08:02 GMT
Do any of you know how to adress a person who uses eyeroling? Maybe with a "Ah, Anne.." and then eyeroling. I am getting so anoyed by this behavior. It sometimes comes out of nowhere. My stepmom sometimes uses this behavior. Or if a person (my stepmom) suddenly shifts the subject, and suddenly you are cauth up in an argument about lets say ex. how many things you have in your bacement?!?! WTF is this?! In the moment I forgot to say something like: "Hey, thats non of your business".. All people are welcome to post with their suggestion. Angela Merkels eyeroll - youtu.be/p5WPVLljm1A |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 14:18:56 GMT
Do any of you know how to adress a person who uses eyeroling? Maybe with a "Ah, Anne.." and then eyeroling. I am getting so anoyed by this behavior. It sometimes comes out of nowhere. A friend and my stepmom sometimes uses this behavior. Or if a person (my stepmom) suddenly shifts the subject, and suddenly you are cauth up in an argument about lets say ex. how many things you have in your bacement? (both my parents died this year) In the moment I forgot to say, "Hey, thats non of your business".. All people are welcome to post with their suggestion. I am learning about anger patterns ect. at the moment. yeah that would be annoying! it seems disrespectful. and demeaning- the eyes are such an important conduit of connection and communication, and to use them to give you a visual cue that you are somehow exasperating is rude- poor behavior on their part obviously. what is the overall dynamic in these two relationships? do you feel generally regarded as equal, important, respected, with healthy autonomy? or do you feel treated as less than, inferior or an annoyance? i would think it's important to gauge the tone of the relationship in order to know how you want to handle a specific behavior. as for me- i am inclined to just frankly and immediately address disrespect when it's directed toward me, as in "so we're having a discussion and i just observed you rolling your eyes at me in a disrespectful way. are you somehow exasperated or trying to indicate that you find me worthy of your eyerolling? Because i'm sure it's not appropriate and i won't be continuing a conversation that includes such a gesture. are we done here?" This kind of response tends to either end the conversation or turn it in a more respectful and constructive direction. and, there doesn't need to be any emotion in it. I'm just stating observations and a boundary and giving an opportunity for correction or my freedom to leave the disrespectful exchange. i take this stance because eyerolling, to me, is juvenile and hostile and not what i care to interact with. it's generally considered aggressive. |
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liz
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Post by liz on Nov 10, 2018 14:33:24 GMT
Could they be covert narcissists? The ex NPD I knew did this all the time, together with sighs, as if you are too stupid/ignorant/insignificant to deal with. His NPD mother behaves exactly the same way, they learned that behavior. This is a passive-aggressive way of putting you in your place. It is a clear red flag for the disorder, along with putting others on a pedestal or putting them down - everyone is ranked according to their internal totem pole and mis/treated accordingly. If you ask, they might deny it, saying "I'm not! Don't be so sensitive!" There are no good options, except to raise it politely like what Juniper suggests, or ask "Is something wrong with your eyes? You're rolling them a lot." If met with denial, be aware that this is the dynamic going on. The best reaction is none at all, "grey rock" them - it is more infuriating for them because they did that to elicit one from you. You can also try doing that back to them, mimicking their actions, and then denying or laughing at it. It might get them to stop.
Another way of saying "It's none of your business." : 1. I'd rather not share 2.It escapes my mind 3. Why do you ask? 4. Hmmm.....well...(wink, then change subject)
To protect yourself, you might want to ask if these are people you would choose to spend a lot of time with, as they do not seem to respect you. Do not offer them free fuel for their disorder. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 10, 2018 15:27:07 GMT
Well- I am an eye roller and not proud of it. I’m not even aware that I do it but my husband has pointed it out recently and I agree it’s disrespectful. I know it- it’s also an automatic response. Not an excuse- just a fact. I’m glad you bring this up because it’s something I need to work on so I am asking myself here how I can do that.
What I would like is to have my husband tell me when I do it. Point it out- more of a FYI (hey- we’re in a discussion and you rolled your eyes. Is there something you are not saying/trying to say/that I am not understanding?). Bringing it into my awareness so I can note when I do it and why. It’s a non-verbal communication that just needs redirecting into verbal- in my opinion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 16:00:34 GMT
I used to be a huge eye roller. I was very insensitive to the feelings of others, but I have gotten better. I never realized before how much I did it. When people do it to me, I directly ask them, why are they rolling their eyes when I am being serious. I have gotten a myriad of replies to that question.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 16:41:27 GMT
My stephmom has an agressive anger pattern and sometimes an passive-agressive angerpattern. My friend also has an agressive anger pattern and some passive/agressive anger pattern. Both of them can go from 0-100 in a second and throw around with things. They both have a lot of temper. I myself have more of a passive angerpattern and sometimes some passive/agressive anger pattern. I do not have a very big temper myself. My mother had a passiv anger pattern - and people could walk all over her. I have just looked in some of my notes from a workshop I am attending. It says, that eyerolling is an agressive angerpattern. yes i see it as agression and my approach to aggression is to shut it down. not. participating. with it. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 10, 2018 17:00:00 GMT
My stephmom has an agressive anger pattern and sometimes an passive-agressive angerpattern. My friend also has an agressive anger pattern and some passive/agressive anger pattern. Both of them can go from 0-100 in a second and throw around with things. They both have a lot of temper. I myself have more of a passive angerpattern and sometimes some passive/agressive anger pattern. I do not have a very big temper myself. My mother had a passiv anger pattern - and people could walk all over her. I have just looked in some of my notes from a workshop I am attending. It says, that eyerolling is an agressive angerpattern. yes i see it as agression and my approach to aggression is to shut it down. not. participating. with it. Oh man- I don’t agree with this. Everyone is different I guess but I am not agressive. But maybe I do it as a way of expressing annoyance? It’s really petty and not an effective form of communication but I struggle to see aggression in it. Maybe I am just not understanding what exactly makes something an aggressive anger pattern? Can you explain this? Sorry if I’m hijacking this to understand myself! |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 10, 2018 17:02:39 GMT
yes i see it as agression and my approach to aggression is to shut it down. not. participating. with it. Oh man- I don’t agree with this. Everyone is different I guess but I am not agressive. But maybe I do it as a way of expressing annoyance? It’s really petty and not an effective form of communication but I struggle to see aggression in it. Maybe I am just not understanding what exactly makes something an aggressive anger pattern? Can you explain this? I think it is not so much aggressive, but passive aggressive. And I think it communicates contempt, if not for the person then for their ideas or actions. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 17:03:42 GMT
yes i see it as agression and my approach to aggression is to shut it down. not. participating. with it. Oh man- I don’t agree with this. Everyone is different I guess but I am not agressive. But maybe I do it as a way of expressing annoyance? It’s really petty and not an effective form of communication but I struggle to see aggression in it. Maybe I am just not understanding what exactly makes something an aggressive anger pattern? Can you explain this? Sorry if I’m hijacking this to understand myself! i'd love to hear what the workshop indicated about the anne12it's a disparaging gesture and one that clearly minimizes the person it's directed at. not violent. aggressive. there is a difference. it's insulting. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 17:06:11 GMT
to me it's direct aggression, like giving the finger.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 17:16:38 GMT
I can see it both ways, but have always viewed it as passive aggressive. Either way, it's dismissive.
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Post by epicgum on Nov 10, 2018 17:45:39 GMT
to me it's direct aggression, like giving the finger. Maybe that's true. I can be pretty passive aggressive, but I'd never roll my eyes at my romantic partner...or anyone I think. I think the contempt bit is key. And contempt is such a deadly thing for a relationship, you really need to avoid it. Me and my exgf used to say, "I am bugged!" When we were annoyed with each other. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 10, 2018 18:06:47 GMT
I can see it both ways, but have always viewed it as passive aggressive. Either way, it's dismissive. I would agree on this view for me. As I said- all people are different and it may have meaning to some that is different for others. I’m not saying it’s better than a middle finger but that’s an energy I don’t really display so it doesn’t resonate with me personally. I can see how it comes from somewhere dismissive for me. Yuck. I might dislike that more than a middle finger myself. At least that’s up front. May not like what I see when I look in the mirror but no point arguing with the reflection. I guess I just have to better notice when it’s happening to try to catch what is bringing that arrogance up for me. What’s under it? It’s hard to say with out a specific example to reflect on. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 18:13:14 GMT
I can see it both ways, but have always viewed it as passive aggressive. Either way, it's dismissive. I would agree on this view for me. As I said- all people are different and it may have meaning to some that is different for others. I’m not saying it’s better than a middle finger but that’s an energy I don’t really display so it doesn’t resonate with me personally. I can see how it comes from somewhere dismissive for me. Yuck. I might dislike that more than a middle finger myself. At least that’s up front. May not like what I see when I look in the mirror but no point arguing with the reflection. I guess I just have to better notice when it’s happening to try to catch what is bringing that arrogance up for me. What’s under it? It’s hard to say with out a specific example to reflect on. i wonder how the people you roll your eyes at perceive it? |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 10, 2018 18:17:17 GMT
Yeah, I´m having a hard time with the eyerolling ect. She had helped me out with some stuff - also my half sister when our father died. (They have been separeted the last 20 years). But I am feeling that we have some sort of a power struggle. I called her out on something, she did, that I diden`t like some months ago. We have never been direct with each other before. I am glad that I know about the watertank gounding exercise, because she got hostile and in fight mode (with her bodylanguage, her tone of voice and her language ect), she was talking in a very harch way. I kept my seat, used kind eyes, soft tone of voice and a touch on her knee, and she calmed down. Then I could repeat my boundarie in a clear and a quiet way. She does not like to be/feel vulnerable. Her own mother just died. But I have to call her out on this eye rolling thing, because I get pissed. I like the way Juniper have suggested. My problem is often that I do not react right away. Sometimes I just cant speak or I do not know that I am getting angry or I do not know what to say in the situation. Sometimes I can and sometimes I can´t do it right away. I do not see her that often, but because of a back injurie I need some help at the moment. My stephmom could have some avoidant traits. Her parents always wanted her to be a boy, and her father can get VERY angry at her. I have been on both sides of this. Thank you for sharing it. I am not good at the interaction and can not be helpful with that myself as I haven’t ever found a way to be heard in my family that resembles this. But I am very impressed with how you describe handling it and how you continue to try to find ways to address it in a healthy way. Thank you for the positive example and for the mirror of my own behaviors. 🙏🏻 |
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