Anger and boundaries

lilos - you may be right about that. Deactivation is self-preservation, though, and that means that 'I am protecting myself over you / over protecting or anything, you'.  Which means that they are putting themselves first / above you.  Maybe think of the 'power' that way.

Do any of you know how to adress a person who uses eyeroling? Maybe with a "Ah, Anne.." and then eyeroling. I am getting so anoyed by this behavior. It sometimes comes out of nowhere. A friend and my stepmom sometimes uses this behavior.

Or if a person (my stepmom) suddenly shifts the subject, and suddenly you are cauth up in an argument about lets say ex. how many things you have in your bacement? (both my parents died this year) In the moment I forgot to say, "Hey, thats non of your business"..

All people are welcome to post with their suggestion.

I am learning about anger patterns ect. at the moment.

epicgum - No emotion is (similar to Grey Rock) used to protect yourself.
The power thing is behind all of this.

The whole drive behind unhealthy attachment IS about power...who had the power when you were growing up?  Who did you try to gain attention / your needs met from - and who had the power to do so / not do so?  That is what this is all about ... carried through into relationships.

This isn't about being passive aggressive, but being in control of your emotions.
Maybe I missed this bit out - that it's not something you can just 'do' - and this is usually when you have already attempted to express to the other that they are out of order. You need to process / work through your deep feelings to get to the point where you can forgive the other (most of the time), such that you can actually accept the other (and their flaws) for what they are - but not necessarily accept how they treat you.  You are not suppressing your reactions, although being human, things will still rile you in the moment. But if you can go into a situation relatively accepting of of the other's flaws, they say / do something that they do but that is not acceptable. You then are mostly prepared for this - but you may still be upset / riled at their words / actions.  BUT, you then show no emotion - because you are maintaining control of your emotions (which you will probably need to fully process when you are away from them).

So - yes, somewhat Grey Rock ... but this is to stop the attachment game / protect yourself / be more emotionally mature / refuse to 'play'.

Until you realise that all of this is about power games, you will continue to play the game.

In a nutshell - if you can put up with the eye-roller, good luck to you (I wouldn't anymore).  
If you don't want to put up with the eye-roller and they listen to your reactions - yay to both of you!
If you don't want to put up with the eye-roller but they are oblivious to their action, be subtle when you first breach the issue.  
If the eye-roller is aware but continues, then do something to break the cycle - no reaction is very powerful.  
If the eye-roller is aware and doesn't want to change - walk away, with no reaction.

Reaction is what fuels the game of unhealthy attachment.  APs / FAs - the clue is in the name Anxious / Fearful.  Dismissive are not these, although they may have similar feelings.  Think about power in that context. When you get this, it's a game-changer.  

If you think about, for example, the 'dance' between an AP and a DA ... imagine taking away the reactions.  There is nothing there.  This is not about being passive aggressive (which is an attempt to gain power), nor is it about suppressing healthy reactions / expressions. it is about breaking the state and changing the habitual unhealthy reactions ... rather than just escalating the reactions.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do ... unless they do.
If you feel contempt for the other, you are fuelling the game.
If you feel empathic pity (as an AP /FA) - you are nearer to having the (healthier) 'power', or more balance.

When a DA is deactivated and in shut down mode- do they feel empathy? If they feel it maybe not compelled to show it? My ex DA hasn’t shown empathy since he shut down. His defenses are fully activated and he’s in protection mode for himself. I’m speaking from experience with one DA, certainly not representative, but that’s how he functions.

Why do you find this is interesting?

Unless you were dealing with a narcissist/a psykopath/a borderliner ect., what could you have done instead of the eyerolling thing do you think? 

Hey, Juniper thanks for the explanation with the parallel to deactivation. It makes it easier to understand.

Activation feels like panic hijacking my nervous system. So, empathy at that point feels physically possible. The feeling may last minutes, hours- not usually for more than a day. I think the feeling is too intense to continue too long. Of course, inconsistently, the protests can continue....and are usually followed by remorse, shame or guilt when I come back down.

I was activated low level Sat night into higher level Sunday- recognized it for what it was and was (barely) able to manage it and came out of it strong Sunday night without any assurance from the trigger person or protest behaviors by me. It was VERY hard to fight the impulse but logic, awareness and self-control won. It’s been several months since I experienced this level of activation and almost forgot how powerful it is...I guess if one person of the two doesn’t give in to either the activation or deactivation behaviors than the presenting behaviors may not be as severe? Kind of like a secure with an insecure.