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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 21:50:29 GMT
Thanks for more input. I can´t pretend that I am fine, when I´m not. The eyeroll and the "ah, Anne..." is just not okay in my opinion. I do not react very emotional in the situation. I feels more like "freeze".. Like a dear in the headligths. I am thinking: Did she just do that/did she really say that..? The pretending that it dident happened - can build up inside me - and maybe I will have a "itzy bitzy tiny explosion of anger" later on, if I do not adress this. I have never seen my stephmom explode and throwing around with things, but my much younger half-sister, have told me about it and also my dad. I think it is more tricky for me, because she is not one of my parents and she moved in with my dad and me when I was around 13 years old. My own mother wold never ever talk to me like she talks to my sister and sometimes (me). She is very blunt, hot tempered, sometimes too direct, critical, think she knows better ect. Not with strangers and not at her workplace and not with my mothers sister, but at home with the people, who are close to her. I am courious how you eye-rollers have worked with your eyerolling tendencies? She can be sweet and helpfull, she thinks, she is tough with thick skin, but I have seen some of her soft spots and I have also seen sometimes when she gets nerveus around new people. It's interesting that she only does it with people that are close to her. My guess is she doesn't realize that she's doing it. My eye rolling is not people specific but rather situational. If someone is aggressive with me, I will give an eyeroll and a "whatever". Someone can scream in my face, make a demeaning remark to me and that's what I would do. I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation. I think that people need to be aware that they are doing it. It was such a "knee jerk" reaction for me. If you bring it to her attention every time she does it, it may help both you and her. @mary - " I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation" = Power |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 11, 2018 21:52:26 GMT
I dont understand the 'no emotion' thing. Isn't that dishonest and bad to pretend you see fine when you are not? In terms of the comment on power...both attachment styles are trying to gain power over the other via different methods, because they dont feel secure in the relationship unless they are in control? - No emotion is (similar to Grey Rock) used to protect yourself. The power thing is behind all of this. The whole drive behind unhealthy attachment IS about power...who had the power when you were growing up? Who did you try to gain attention / your needs met from - and who had the power to do so / not do so? That is what this is all about ... carried through into relationships. This isn't about being passive aggressive, but being in control of your emotions. Maybe I missed this bit out - that it's not something you can just 'do' - and this is usually when you have already attempted to express to the other that they are out of order. You need to process / work through your deep feelings to get to the point where you can forgive the other (most of the time), such that you can actually accept the other (and their flaws) for what they are - but not necessarily accept how they treat you. You are not suppressing your reactions, although being human, things will still rile you in the moment. But if you can go into a situation relatively accepting of of the other's flaws, they say / do something that they do but that is not acceptable. You then are mostly prepared for this - but you may still be upset / riled at their words / actions. BUT, you then show no emotion - because you are maintaining control of your emotions (which you will probably need to fully process when you are away from them). So - yes, somewhat Grey Rock ... but this is to stop the attachment game / protect yourself / be more emotionally mature / refuse to 'play'. Until you realise that all of this is about power games, you will continue to play the game. In a nutshell - is you can put up with the eye-roller, good luck to you (I wouldn't anymore). If you don't want to and the eye-roller is oblivious be subtle when you first breach the issue. If the eye-roller is aware but continues, then do something to break the cycle - no reaction is very powerful. If the eye-roller is aware and doesn't want to change - walk away, with no reaction. Reaction is what fuels the game of unhealthy attachment. APs / FAs - the clue is in the name Anxious / Fearful. Dismissive are not these, although they may have similar feelings. Think about power in that context. When you get this, it's a game-changer. If you think about, for example, the 'dance' between an AP and a DA ... imagine taking away the reactions. There is nothing there. This is not about being passive aggressive (which is an attempt to gain power) it is about breaking the state and changing the habitual reactions ... rather than just escalating the reactions. Forgive them, for they know not what they do ... unless they do. If you feel contempt for the other, you are fuelling the game. If you feel empathic pity - you are nearer to having the power. As one of these FA/AP eye rollers- I would agree with all of this. I think you can, and maybe should even consider- being honest and showing emotion about it to the person outside of the reactivity. For me- it has been important to understand the affects of my actions and if people aren’t willing to be vulnerable like that it can be easy to think it’s not happening. Ive overlooked it a lot in my life. That being said- in the moment- a lack of emotion- a simple matter of factness- terminates the dynamic. Only one player ends the cycle. But then- from outside of it- it’s clear and I can look back at myself honestly and say that isn’t the way I want to behave and reflect on what I can do different. It doesn’t change overnight though. One thing I read said you are increasing your lag time- from what triggers you to reaction. And as that lag time increases you have a better chance of stopping and making a better choice in that moment. It takes repetition and time and patience for everyone. But it works. As the mom to a kid throwing tantrums- this is what works for me there too. I don’t actually remove myself from her unless she is being physical but then she is actually a child so it’s different..... I think. I could be wrong about that but that’s a whole other situation. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 21:54:14 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 21:59:41 GMT
It's interesting that she only does it with people that are close to her. My guess is she doesn't realize that she's doing it. My eye rolling is not people specific but rather situational. If someone is aggressive with me, I will give an eyeroll and a "whatever". Someone can scream in my face, make a demeaning remark to me and that's what I would do. I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation. I think that people need to be aware that they are doing it. It was such a "knee jerk" reaction for me. If you bring it to her attention every time she does it, it may help both you and her. @mary - " I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation" = Power Let's not take this out of context. In the face of someone else's aggression towards me, yes, I will give the eye roll. What you are arguing, is that "showing no emotion" when someone gives you the eye roll is completely different. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 22:11:17 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. @mary- she does this. her posts generally make negative assumptions about DA - huge axe to grind, and hostile to DA. i get what you're saying, and i'll leave it at that.  |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 11, 2018 22:15:33 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. DA is an attachment style, not a psychopathology. We are capable of feeling the whole spectrum of emotions. We also have empathy and are quite capable of dealing with not being in power. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 11, 2018 22:24:59 GMT
We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. DA is an attachment style, not a psychopathology. We are capable of feeling the whole spectrum of emotions. We also have empathy and are quite capable of dealing with not being in power. When a DA is deactivated and in shut down mode- do they feel empathy? If they feel it maybe not compelled to show it? My ex DA hasn’t shown empathy since he shut down. His defenses are fully activated and he’s in protection mode for himself. I’m speaking from experience with one DA, certainly not representative, but that’s how he functions. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 11, 2018 22:27:41 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. This is why I am saying IN the moment it might not help- because showing emotion is a reaction and a reaction can fuel the fire. I mean- it depends on the intensity of the reaction. An eye roll is insulting but it’s pretry low level. A tantrum with blowing up and throwing things is another matter. my ex-DA said the words to me “you don’t think I was hurt?” And yeah- that was instrumental for me. I didn’t take it in when he said it but afterwards — that was what drove me to change. I hurt him.... I don’t want to do that to anyone. That’s not who I am- but yeah, that’s what I do. And I’m not ok with that. Showing yourself, especially given she said this woman has a soft side that she’s seen- I think that matters. Not just stop it I don’t like it. Tell her why- tell her what it does to you. Being vulnerable feels like weakness but it’s not. When you own your emotions- not just through control but with honesty- that is real strength and bravery. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 22:34:54 GMT
This is an AP thread - this isn't 'against' DAs (but, unsurprisingly some DAs will react defensively).
I would also note that some DAs are in force disproving comments that have been agreed by another AP.
No surprise there.
@mary - I did not state that DA was a psychopathology.
I did not make negative assumptions about DAs - this is an AP thread.
I did not state that any - APs / FAs or DAs should not express emotions, not did I state that DAs were not capable of / did not feel emotions.
Really feel like an eye-roll here - :-)
I am merely providing insight for APs and FAs about the power balance (read up on the researched facts) to progress towards Secure.
But hey - if you want the power ...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 22:41:35 GMT
We will have to agree to disagree. Your theory supposes that showing emotion makes one vulnerable and gives the other "power". I completely disagree. Just because a DA doesn't show that they are effected doesn't mean they are not. That's a huge assumption you are making. DA is an attachment style, not a psychopathology. We are capable of feeling the whole spectrum of emotions. We also have empathy and are quite capable of dealing with not being in power. trolls like to speak of power, i know that. 🤣 speaking of power, i got a new auto dish detergent that powers away dried and baked on food. it's the bomb. anyway sorry to derail- back to power. power recliners are good for people who have a hard time standing up. also, the powerball lottery here in the states has huge payouts pretty much continuously. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 11, 2018 22:50:57 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. I don’t think showing hurt doesn’t affect a da. I don’t think it’s “power” necessarily either. But that could just be my interpretation of the use of the word though. Not being DA I can’t confirm it- but I would say showing anxiety and hurt might trigger them to push away, to deactivate. But the message is important and like me- when I’m activated I can’t hear it but if I’m low level activated I might be able to stop and see it. if it’s a little more involved maybe not in the moment but then later. I assume the same could be for deactivation. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 11, 2018 22:53:30 GMT
It's interesting that she only does it with people that are close to her. My guess is she doesn't realize that she's doing it. My eye rolling is not people specific but rather situational. If someone is aggressive with me, I will give an eyeroll and a "whatever". Someone can scream in my face, make a demeaning remark to me and that's what I would do. I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation. I think that people need to be aware that they are doing it. It was such a "knee jerk" reaction for me. If you bring it to her attention every time she does it, it may help both you and her. @mary - " I guess it made me feel superior that I didn't lose my "cool" and I could also avoid the confrontation" = Power Ahh, I have definitely felt this. If not in romance then definitely in my sibling relationships. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 22:54:34 GMT
Mary - see my comment that this is for APs / FAs .. not DAs. DA's no emotion is about power (over the AP) And I would dispute that an AP / FA showing hurt would affect a DA - it just shows vulnerability, giving you power. I don’t think showing hurt doesn’t affect a da. I don’t think it’s “power” necessarily either. But that could just be my interpretation of the use of the word though. Not being DA I can’t confirm it- but I would say showing anxiety and hurt might trigger them to push away, to deactivate. But the message is important and like me- when I’m activated I can’t hear it but if I’m low level activated I might be able to stop and see it. if it’s a little more involved maybe not in the moment but then later. I assume the same could be for deactivation. - you may be right about that. Deactivation is self-preservation, though, and that means that 'I am protecting myself over you / over protecting or anything, you'. Which means that they are putting themselves first / above you. Maybe think of the 'power' that way. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 11, 2018 22:54:48 GMT
DA is an attachment style, not a psychopathology. We are capable of feeling the whole spectrum of emotions. We also have empathy and are quite capable of dealing with not being in power. trolls like to speak of power, i know that. 🤣 speaking of power, i got a new auto dish detergent that powers away dried and baked on food. it's the bomb. anyway sorry to derail- back to power. power recliners are good for people who have a hard time standing up. also, the powerball lottery here in the states has huge payouts pretty much continuously. Lolololololololol!!!!!! Thanks for these jokes!  gotta keep a little levity in here somewhere. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 22:56:30 GMT
trolls like to speak of power, i know that. 🤣 speaking of power, i got a new auto dish detergent that powers away dried and baked on food. it's the bomb. anyway sorry to derail- back to power. power recliners are good for people who have a hard time standing up. also, the powerball lottery here in the states has huge payouts pretty much continuously. Lolololololololol!!!!!! Thanks for these jokes! gotta keep a little levity in here somewhere. look i have the power to make you laugh. mwuhhhhhahahahahahahaha👹 |
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gotta keep a little levity in here somewhere.