lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 12, 2018 22:34:46 GMT
Why do you find this is interesting? Unless you were dealing with a narcissist/a psykopath/a borderliner ect., what could you have done instead of the eyerolling thing do you think? It's interesting to me because it seems less of a knee jerk reaction to what is being presented and more of a "choice", specific to the speaker. She feels a certain way with people that are close (more threatened, less open, more dismissive). I say choice, because she can control it with others. Instead of eye rolling, I could have not avoided the confrontation and used words (as an adult). Frankly, eye rolling is childish and it stems from my childhood. It usually got me a slap in the face, so I knew it was impactful, without "fighting back" physically with my mother. I know, it's so twisted when you think about it. I agree with this. I guess now I understand the way it’s aggressive. Because physicality was never an option for me as the smallest and weekest in my family- this kind of stuff was the only fight energy I could use. I have never ever thought about it like this. It feels icky. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2018 7:18:53 GMT
It's interesting to me because it seems less of a knee jerk reaction to what is being presented and more of a "choice", specific to the speaker. She feels a certain way with people that are close (more threatened, less open, more dismissive). I say choice, because she can control it with others. Instead of eye rolling, I could have not avoided the confrontation and used words (as an adult). Frankly, eye rolling is childish and it stems from my childhood. It usually got me a slap in the face, so I knew it was impactful, without "fighting back" physically with my mother. I know, it's so twisted when you think about it. I agree with this. I guess now I understand the way it’s aggressive. Because physicality was never an option for me as the smallest and weekest in my family- this kind of stuff was the only fight energy I could use. I have never ever thought about it like this. It feels icky. - that's interesting. I was the youngest but never 'fought back' in the same way that I was (physically as well as emotionally) attacked growing up, instead I tried to reason (I am an empath). I also developed a highly athletic physique (maybe to protect myself, although only defensively). Eye-rolling would have been lethal for me to try. It is a form of control (i.e., power) - and it is a choice. They know who they can and cannot do this with. Again, when you actually see how and who exerts this control in you everyday life, everything changes. Addressing this control (i.e., the eye-rolling) in the other will always create a reaction - both in the other's semi-automatic reaction being focused on and also, that their control-behaviour has been found out....that's the bit that you need to be prepared for... |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 19:46:13 GMT
Do any of you know how to adress a person who uses eyeroling? Maybe with a "Ah, Anne.." and then eyeroling. I am getting so anoyed by this behavior. It sometimes comes out of nowhere. A friend and my stepmom sometimes uses this behavior. Or if a person (my stepmom) suddenly shifts the subject, and suddenly you are cauth up in an argument about lets say ex. how many things you have in your bacement?!?! WTF is this?! (both my parents died this year) In the moment I forgot to say something like: "Hey, thats non of your business".. All people are welcome to post with their suggestion. I am learning about anger patterns ect. at the moment. I was somewhat triggered by this thread but am back to earth now. I have learnt (the hard way). Your friend and your stepmom's actions are taking advantage of your vulnerability. Especially the "Ah, Anne.. " Sooo condescending! Losing both your parents in one year does not deserve anything like this sort of treatment. There is a total lack of empathy there. You are being shamed / kicked whilst down. That is the power thing. Your emotions are suppressed / self-controlled because you are AP. A non-AP would give a WTF-type response to that sort of treatment - it doesn't matter what you've got in your basement. Hugs |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 20:46:24 GMT
Thanks anne12Yes, there is a lot of trauma history - boundaries are a major AP thing, as well as FA (I am both). No, they are not necessarily bad people because they do / react like this. However, it is still not acceptable / excusable - APs tend to make excuses for others. I did this for most of my life, continuously - again, once you stop doing that and seeing it for what it is, you have changed. It's about really respecting yourself, separating yourself from those close to you and seeing that you as a person are respectable / worthy and starting to treat yourself with that level of respect - such that you stop accepting unacceptable behaviour and making excuses for them - even if they have attachment issues too. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 21, 2018 12:21:31 GMT
So it´s a work in progress.
But I´m working on this:
1) Describing what I experience she does, "....."
2) What does it do to me, "......."
3) Request could be: "maybe you do not even notice it, but the next time you do the eyeroling, I will let you know. If that happens again, I will (leave / ask you to leave ... ect." (I havent decided yet))..
Maybe she does not experience it herself, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt: I will try to put myself in her place. It could sound like this:
"Maybe you do not even know, when you do it (eyerolling), but it puts this whole series of things into my mind...., and it makes me want to leave and it makes me want to disconnect, but I do not really want to do this.
What I want to do is, that I will notify you next time, when you do it, because it feels like a violation of me and I want you to stop it, because it makes me sad"
In the situation, when she does it again, I could try to say to her:
"Now you did it again (rolled with your eyes)" and then I will use kind eyes and soft tone of voice, so that I will not be aggressive in the situation.
Then I will see how she will react...
(Before this, I will write a unsencored letter/do a two chair anger exersice, where I can let it all out and maybe do some other anger release exercises)
(I do not see this as a typical AP-DA thing. She does not make the eyeroll all the time, but sometimes she does, she is NOT a narc, my trigger is that I remember that she has done this before, that I find it agressive towards me when she does it)
And it is okay not to be able to react right away..!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 18:05:29 GMT
So condescending and better-than-thou. You could just say "You rolled your eyes just then - what was on your mind?"
Brene Brown says "The story I'm making up is that _______"
i.e. "You just rolled your eyes and said 'oh, Anne.." and the story I'm making up is that you are thinking _______, and that really hurts me. Is there something we need to talk about?"
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 21, 2018 18:35:03 GMT
So condescending and better-than-thou. You could just say "You rolled your eyes just then - what was on your mind?" Brene Brown says "The story I'm making up is that _______" i.e. "You just rolled your eyes and said 'oh, Anne.." and the story I'm making up is that you are thinking _______, and that really hurts me. Is there something we need to talk about?" I love brene browns up front “the story I’m making up is X”. I feel like I need to use it more- it really lays things on the table. Puts your vulnerability out there in a way that lets them put their defences down a little while asking for what you need.. Not something i am good at as an insecure person though. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 18:39:54 GMT
So condescending and better-than-thou. You could just say "You rolled your eyes just then - what was on your mind?" Brene Brown says "The story I'm making up is that _______" i.e. "You just rolled your eyes and said 'oh, Anne.." and the story I'm making up is that you are thinking _______, and that really hurts me. Is there something we need to talk about?" I love brene browns up front “the story I’m making up is X”. I feel like I need to use it more- it really lays things on the table. Puts your vulnerability out there in a way that lets them put their defences down a little while asking for what you need.. Not something i am good at as an insecure person though. Oh totally, it's really disarming... the only thing that I have reservations with is that in putting that out there, I feel like you're at risk to gaslighting if you're with someone who either isn't self aware enough or present enough to their inner process that they can't see where they need to take responsibility or god forbid someone who is covertly manipulative and will love the crap out of what they perceive as you handing over your reality in a way that says "I'm open to being told I'm making this up" - it's a risk, so I wonder if it's one that's best saved for relationships with people you know you can trust and who have shown you that they willingly take responsibility? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 19:24:58 GMT
Thanks for your input. I am working on writing it down. I havent finished it yet. But I have to get back to her on this. I do not think, that she can remember what, she was thinking of in the moment. She could also say "Oh, I do not do that (eyerolling)" - and then what? She has an agressive angerpattern/passive agressive anger pattern. I want her to stop her eyerolling - as I do not like this form of agressive behavior. It is not something that I imagine, that she does. She does this. I do not think, that I will cut her off, but it makes me feel bad inside, so there has to be a consequens, if she will not stop her eyerolling thing. If a child makes the eyeroll to his parents or a teacher at school, how would you make the child stop ? I'm a bit harsh, in that I would say "You do do it, I know you might not be aware of it, but you do, and I don't like how I feel when it happens. I would appreciate it if you don't do it to me in future, I can let you know if it happens" Really, you just gotta be real about what you really see, what your real reality is: she did roll her eyes You can ask her about the stuff behind it that you don't know about, and she can deny that stuff, but just straight up say "okay, I understand that you don't think you're doing it, but you are" |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 19:28:08 GMT
If she refuses lots of times you really can just say "I mentioned it to you a few times, and you matter to me, but I don't like how I'm feeling around you when you do it. If you won't try to make that change then I need to reevaluate our relationship, because in ignoring my request, you're not respecting my feelings"
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 21, 2018 21:23:53 GMT
Thanks for your input. I am working on writing it down. I havent finished it yet. But I have to get back to her on this. I do not think, that she can remember what, she was thinking of in the moment. She could also say "Oh, I do not do that (eyerolling)" - and then what? She has an agressive angerpattern/passive agressive anger pattern. I want her to stop her eyerolling - as I do not like this form of agressive behavior. It is not something that I imagine, that she does. She does this. I do not think, that I will cut her off, but it makes me feel bad inside, so there has to be a consequens, if she will not stop her eyerolling thing. If a child makes the eyeroll to his parents or a teacher at school, how would you make the child stop ? I thought of this thread today. I teach a very negative student who gave me an eyeroll when I reminded her to focus on her work. I flat out told her that’s a disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior and she needs to put it to a stop. We’ll see...I teach third grade.. |
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Post by boomerang on Dec 25, 2018 15:00:37 GMT
It's great that you told her. I know it was hard to do, but it sounds like she heard you. And now you have laid down the issue, you have a path to reminding her if she does it again. At the moment, now that you have had this conversation, you have a chance to repair with her, if you choose to. So glad you were able to raise this with her and have this conversation, Anne--that's great to hear.
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