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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 2:24:45 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if this whole attachment theory has helped me give my ex DA excuse after excuse. Relationships are hard for him, he feels triggered, he feels better off alone etc etc instead of thinking plainly and clearly- with all psychology aside, that if someone wants to be with you, they find a way to be with you. Period.
When I look at things that way, it’s much simpler. And when someone leaves you after promising over and over again emphatically that they would never leave you...maybe instead of trying to understand him I should recognize this person didn’t keep his word and can’t be trusted to not bolt again at his whim.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 2:39:02 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if this whole attachment theory has helped me give my ex DA excuse after excuse. Relationships are hard for him, he feels triggered, he feels better off alone etc etc instead of thinking plainly and clearly- with all psychology aside, that if someone wants to be with you, they find a way to be with you. Period. When I look at things that way, it’s much simpler. And when someone leaves you after promising over and over again emphatically that they would never leave you...maybe instead of trying to understand him I should recognize this person didn’t keep his word and can’t be trusted to not bolt again at his whim. Yes!! I think recovery is working inside and finding someone you don't have to make excuses for because they are showing up consistently with you! Amen! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 4:09:23 GMT
Yup, i totally agree. I know this attachment business is painful and difficult to deal with, and there're alot of emotions that are really traumatic and overwhelming, but at the end of the day, it becomes an excuse to avoid growth and be better as a person, not only for relationships but also for self respect. i lost alot of respect for myself because i couldn't get over myself enough to be a better person in the relationship -- and then i looked at myself and decided enough was enough. I AM better than that so I just need to work towards that, and not cling onto my triggers.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 4:18:11 GMT
Yup, i totally agree. I know this attachment business is painful and difficult to deal with, and there're alot of emotions that are really traumatic and overwhelming, but at the end of the day, it becomes an excuse to avoid growth and be better as a person, not only for relationships but also for self respect. i lost alot of respect for myself because i couldn't get over myself enough to be a better person in the relationship -- and then i looked at myself and decided enough was enough. I AM better than that so I just need to work towards that, and not cling onto my triggers. Yes!!! You ARE better and you did something about it! Hats off to all the partners and singles who recognized their need for change and had the courage to do something about it! The warriors!! 🏅 |
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Post by mrob on Feb 12, 2019 8:58:33 GMT
Can you see what’s going on here? That’s your simple. If that simple wasn’t subjective, none of us would need to be here.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 12:10:54 GMT
Can you see what’s going on here? That’s your simple. If that simple wasn’t subjective, none of us would need to be here. Can I see what’s going on? Yeah, I’d say I do. Seeing someone you care for throw their life away still gets to me. Choosing to be lonely and depressed- hard time processing but I see it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 13:13:44 GMT
Can you see what’s going on here? That’s your simple. If that simple wasn’t subjective, none of us would need to be here. Sorry mrob, I’m abit confused as to what you mean. I think this is directed at faithopelove, but could you explain what you mean (at least to me)? |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 12, 2019 14:26:12 GMT
Yes, as its a choice. People choose to live the way they do and keep living with their attachment trauma. Now I know some of the behavior that stems from attachment is not a choice but they sure choose to stay that way. My guy knows he needs to fix things but chooses not to just like your DA. Like those here that made the choice to work on themselves. They made the choice to better their life.
I hope one day my guy reaches his breaking point and chooses himself to live a better life. His attachment leaks into all areas of his life.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 14:40:18 GMT
My take on this thread was that you are making excuses for his behavior by explaining it through attachment theory, instead of accepting the reality of your disappointment and letting go of expectations.
I happen to think that any amount of time considering somoene else's attachment issues, beyond a brief acknowledgement or getting a grip on their true unavailabitly for a stable partnership, is a diversion from one's own issues.
Maybe I misunderstood the point - to me, holding on to a relationship that doesn't truly exist in the present moment, is making excuses and enabling one's own attachment issues to take over while blaming it on the unavailable partner, saying it's such a shame they won't address their issues.
Sorry if I am totally off base with what you're getting at.
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Post by stayhappy on Feb 12, 2019 15:16:57 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if this whole attachment theory has helped me give my ex DA excuse after excuse. Relationships are hard for him, he feels triggered, he feels better off alone etc etc instead of thinking plainly and clearly- with all psychology aside, that if someone wants to be with you, they find a way to be with you. Period. When I look at things that way, it’s much simpler. And when someone leaves you after promising over and over again emphatically that they would never leave you...maybe instead of trying to understand him I should recognize this person didn’t keep his word and can’t be trusted to not bolt again at his whim. I’m not sure if I understand what you mean but I think like this maybe you have hope that knowing about attachment style will help you fix your relationship with him. Well it could help. But in the first place it should help yourself. By making excuses for him you are not growing and neither will him grow. I have seen some growing on my DA guy but since we started seeing each other but I don’t think this changes happened because I made excuses for him or accept his “bad behavior”. I actually growed myself in my interaction with him and since my divorce from my ex that’s the first time I feel so secure. I have wrote somewhere that I was confused if was becoming more avoidant or if I was doing some protest behavior because I got indifferent by his deactivation but I actually was becoming more and more secure with mine interaction with him. For my surprise he is more open to me now too. I found consistency in the inconsistency. We know where we have each other now and it’s good. |
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Post by sissyk on Feb 12, 2019 19:13:49 GMT
You make a great point here, FHL. While attachment theory is very useful, it is never the whole story with us complicated messy humans.
But when one is suffering from heartache and is looking for hope, having a clear theory can be comforting--at least for a while. Especially with APs--we are used to blaming ourselves for relationship issues and having an external explanation can seem a huge relief. If the problem (attachment) gets worked through--happy ending!
I have found the attachment construct useful--and these boards priceless! But I am not sure I am convinced that attachment styles are based only on childhood patterns--otherwise why would so many of us "switch" styles depending on the partner? (I have in hindsight acted DA with my XH for instance.) They seem very much relate to circumstance. Maybe these are natural push pull/chase retreat dynamics that get played out between two people for all kinds of reasons.
That is not to discount the long lasting damage of real childhood deprivation on the ability to bond in some cases of course.
If the partner has a problem, do they want to work on it regardless of its origin? Are they willing to listen and communicate with you even when it gets uncomfortable? Are they willing to really consider your needs and at least TRY to make a first step to act with them in mind? If not, there is nothing to be done but detach.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 21:23:27 GMT
Can you see what’s going on here? That’s your simple. If that simple wasn’t subjective, none of us would need to be here. Sorry mrob, I’m abit confused as to what you mean. I think this is directed at faithopelove, but could you explain what you mean (at least to me)? I was confused too... |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 21:35:11 GMT
You make a great point here, FHL. While attachment theory is very useful, it is never the whole story with us complicated messy humans. But when one is suffering from heartache and is looking for hope, having a clear theory can be comforting--at least for a while. Especially with APs--we are used to blaming ourselves for relationship issues and having an external explanation can seem a huge relief. If the problem (attachment) gets worked through--happy ending! I have found the attachment construct useful--and these boards priceless! But I am not sure I am convinced that attachment styles are based only on childhood patterns--otherwise why would so many of us "switch" styles depending on the partner? (I have in hindsight acted DA with my XH for instance.) They seem very much relate to circumstance. Maybe these are natural push pull/chase retreat dynamics that get played out between two people for all kinds of reasons. That is not to discount the long lasting damage of real childhood deprivation on the ability to bond in some cases of course. If the partner has a problem, do they want to work on it regardless of its origin? Are they willing to listen and communicate with you even when it gets uncomfortable? Are they willing to really consider your needs and at least TRY to make a first step to act with them in mind? If not, there is nothing to be done but detach. - Hey, yes my attachment became DA with my ex husband as well, but the swing to DA took over 15 years for me. I def think relationships influence our attachment style, coupled with early childhood. In my case my attachment wounds came from early childhood, but I can see how destructive and hurtful relationships in adulthood could cause one to shift. I’ve noticed being around AP males will throw me into avoidant territory- triggers me to go the other way. Maybe 2 AP can’t be equally AP so someone in the relationship naturally becomes the avoidant partner. I agree, a lot of shifts and situational aspects to attachment style. The DA and I had a very closed off and shut down (on his part) text exchange last night. He’s no more open than he was 15 months ago. He refuses to allow me in since the break. He’s a different person- I would almost think he was playing me and faking it when we were together but no one is that good...and he wouldn’t bother to go through the trouble of introducing me to his parents and moving me in (on a part-time basis.) So hard to process the 180 of a person going emotional zombie on me. I’ve never experienced it in my life. Sometimes it feels maddening. If I don’t go full blown AP rogue on this man then I’m def making progress on secure. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 21:45:38 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if this whole attachment theory has helped me give my ex DA excuse after excuse. Relationships are hard for him, he feels triggered, he feels better off alone etc etc instead of thinking plainly and clearly- with all psychology aside, that if someone wants to be with you, they find a way to be with you. Period. When I look at things that way, it’s much simpler. And when someone leaves you after promising over and over again emphatically that they would never leave you...maybe instead of trying to understand him I should recognize this person didn’t keep his word and can’t be trusted to not bolt again at his whim. I’m not sure if I understand what you mean but I think like this maybe you have hope that knowing about attachment style will help you fix your relationship with him. Well it could help. But in the first place it should help yourself. By making excuses for him you are not growing and neither will him grow. I have seen some growing on my DA guy but since we started seeing each other but I don’t think this changes happened because I made excuses for him or accept his “bad behavior”. I actually growed myself in my interaction with him and since my divorce from my ex that’s the first time I feel so secure. I have wrote somewhere that I was confused if was becoming more avoidant or if I was doing some protest behavior because I got indifferent by his deactivation but I actually was becoming more and more secure with mine interaction with him. For my surprise he is more open to me now too. I found consistency in the inconsistency. We know where we have each other now and it’s good. - Yes, (I think?) it may have been you who posted you’re making progress and you possibly because he feels less pressure now. If not you, sorry! I’ve been compromising and doing things his way for 15 months- I sometimes would try to convince or “bring him around” but for the most part, he defined our new “relationship” when he broke up with me and I’ve gone along with the new design. I’ve been more comfortable expressing myself without protest behavior - that’s progress with me, but he isn’t any less shut down than since the break. I thought in time I could earn his trust and we could bond- but his walls are firm. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2019 22:37:06 GMT
You've been uninvited. I'm sorry. It stinks. But it is what it is.
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