|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 0:14:51 GMT
Thanks for all the comments and insights. This weekend gave me new resolve to let go and go no contact.
If and when my ex tries to figure things out - then we can talk. I could be more patient- it’s not that or lack of love. I just feel continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and that’s what I’d be doing if I kept reaching out. I tried doing things his way and it still resulted in continued emotional shut down and no connection beyond physical. Valentine’s night was a big sign for me- equally polite and shut down...and he sent me on my way after an hour or so at his place. I sent a sentimental bday text 2 days later and he responded in one word “thanks.” Numerous examples like these. The writing has been on my wall- I just had to be strong and accept no more bread crumbs.
Now, my plan is to completely take my hands out of this and let him deal with his demons...or not. I held on for so long for fear of losing him, but I think I lost him a long time ago anyway. He’s a good person- I have no ill feelings at all for him, but he just refuses to deal.
I wanted to post this first to encourage anyone who is in this AP/DA painful dynamic that hopes to feel strong enough someday to break free. It’s a process and each person has to do it in their own time, but it’s possible to come out on the other side. It still hurts and I’ll miss him, but it hurts a lot less than it did a year ago and the man I miss doesn’t present himself to me anymore. I’ve come to acceptance. I don’t want to let him go, I realize I have to.
I also posted this for accountability. I know it’s going to be harder in the upcoming weeks and months to not reach out as my anxiety will likely escalate in our separation, but I want to stay on course. I must. We all deserve a partner in alignment and on the same page with shared dreams. We all deserve to love and be loved- to be seen, heard and accepted. We deserve a partner who will stay and not abandon us- and if they do leave for their own reasons and never come back, then they weren’t the right partner. Thanks for listening 💗
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2019 0:24:41 GMT
I know we haven't seen eye to eye but I understand this painful spot you are in. I am working through my breakup with an unaware insecure and while you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum we both have had to choose the sad choice to take care of ourselves. I won't persist on your thread but I just wanted to support you in some small way. I am hurting also, so I empathize. I hope you have good support close to you in your life as well. Makes a huge difference.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 0:30:36 GMT
I know we haven't seen eye to eye but I understand this painful spot you are in. I am working through my breakup with an unaware insecure and while you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum we both have had to choose the sad choice to take care of ourselves. I won't persist on your thread but I just wanted to support you in some small way. I am hurting also, so I empathize. I hope you have good support close to you in your life as well. Makes a huge difference. @nullified - Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and I appreciate also that we’re both in this position of letting go and moving on. Not an easy place to be....yes, I’m working on setting up additional support and accountability partners. I feel that’s important so I’m trying to be proactive to ensure I stay on course. I wish you the best, too. Life and burdens are hard enough without making the journey more difficult. I sincerely hope things work in your favor. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2019 0:40:42 GMT
I know we haven't seen eye to eye but I understand this painful spot you are in. I am working through my breakup with an unaware insecure and while you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum we both have had to choose the sad choice to take care of ourselves. I won't persist on your thread but I just wanted to support you in some small way. I am hurting also, so I empathize. I hope you have good support close to you in your life as well. Makes a huge difference. @nullified - Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and I appreciate also that we’re both in this position of letting go and moving on. Not an easy place to be....yes, I’m working on setting up additional support and accountability partners. I feel that’s important so I’m trying to be proactive to ensure I stay on course. I wish you the best, too. Life and burdens are hard enough without making the journey more difficult. I sincerely hope things work in your favor. Thank you for your gracious response. I don't know if you enjoy getting massages but that really helps me feel cared for at times like this. A good massage therapist can do wonders when you're sad. Having a logical mind can help me know what to do but unfortunately doesn't take away all the feelings. Just have to take it a day at a time. At this point I am stung by pain that I squashed down to cope initially. It's a process. Best to you. |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Feb 19, 2019 1:07:15 GMT
Thanks for all the comments and insights. This weekend gave me new resolve to let go and go no contact. If and when my ex tries to figure things out - then we can talk. I could be more patient- it’s not that or lack of love. I just feel continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and that’s what I’d be doing if I kept reaching out. I tried doing things his way and it still resulted in continued emotional shut down and no connection beyond physical. Valentine’s night was a big sign for me- equally polite and shut down...and he sent me on my way after an hour or so at his place. I sent a sentimental bday text 2 days later and he responded in one word “thanks.” Numerous examples like these. The writing has been on my wall- I just had to be strong and accept no more bread crumbs. Now, my plan is to completely take my hands out of this and let him deal with his demons...or not. I held on for so long for fear of losing him, but I think I lost him a long time ago anyway. He’s a good person- I have no ill feelings at all for him, but he just refuses to deal. I wanted to post this first to encourage anyone who is in this AP/DA painful dynamic that hopes to feel strong enough someday to break free. It’s a process and each person has to do it in their own time, but it’s possible to come out on the other side. It still hurts and I’ll miss him, but it hurts a lot less than it did a year ago and the man I miss doesn’t present himself to me anymore. I’ve come to acceptance. I don’t want to let him go, I realize I have to. I also posted this for accountability. I know it’s going to be harder in the upcoming weeks and months to not reach out as my anxiety will likely escalate in our separation, but I want to stay on course. I must. We all deserve a partner in alignment and on the same page with shared dreams. We all deserve to love and be loved- to be seen, heard and accepted. We deserve a partner who will stay and not abandon us- and if they do leave for their own reasons and never come back, then they weren’t the right partner. Thanks for listening 💗 FHL--Good for you. You deserve much more than bread crumbs. Accountability: If you feel like texting him, post here instead. By going no contact, you are not telling him off or giving him an ultimatum. (Useless anyway.) You are removing yourself from his equation and you will find in time life is less stressful for YOU. (You may have a withdrawal period...) He knows where to find you. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 1:09:43 GMT
@nullified - Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and I appreciate also that we’re both in this position of letting go and moving on. Not an easy place to be....yes, I’m working on setting up additional support and accountability partners. I feel that’s important so I’m trying to be proactive to ensure I stay on course. I wish you the best, too. Life and burdens are hard enough without making the journey more difficult. I sincerely hope things work in your favor. Thank you for your gracious response. I don't know if you enjoy getting massages but that really helps me feel cared for at times like this. A good massage therapist can do wonders when you're sad. Having a logical mind can help me know what to do but unfortunately doesn't take away all the feelings. Just have to take it a day at a time. At this point I am stung by pain that I squashed down to cope initially. It's a process. Best to you. @nullified - You’re very welcome! Omg, yes...I love a good massage...I used to have a membership- at Christmas I got a few gift cards so I’ve been using them as part of my self-care to book more massages. The logical part of my brain is so key here. I must use it and rely on it and not let my feelings rule me. I must stay reality-based. I’m trying to be very mindful of that bc then it’s abundantly clear that I must stay away. Good points...and agreed, one day at a time is all you or I need. We can do one day at a time. Even hour by hour, if need be. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 1:11:19 GMT
Thanks for all the comments and insights. This weekend gave me new resolve to let go and go no contact. If and when my ex tries to figure things out - then we can talk. I could be more patient- it’s not that or lack of love. I just feel continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and that’s what I’d be doing if I kept reaching out. I tried doing things his way and it still resulted in continued emotional shut down and no connection beyond physical. Valentine’s night was a big sign for me- equally polite and shut down...and he sent me on my way after an hour or so at his place. I sent a sentimental bday text 2 days later and he responded in one word “thanks.” Numerous examples like these. The writing has been on my wall- I just had to be strong and accept no more bread crumbs. Now, my plan is to completely take my hands out of this and let him deal with his demons...or not. I held on for so long for fear of losing him, but I think I lost him a long time ago anyway. He’s a good person- I have no ill feelings at all for him, but he just refuses to deal. I wanted to post this first to encourage anyone who is in this AP/DA painful dynamic that hopes to feel strong enough someday to break free. It’s a process and each person has to do it in their own time, but it’s possible to come out on the other side. It still hurts and I’ll miss him, but it hurts a lot less than it did a year ago and the man I miss doesn’t present himself to me anymore. I’ve come to acceptance. I don’t want to let him go, I realize I have to. I also posted this for accountability. I know it’s going to be harder in the upcoming weeks and months to not reach out as my anxiety will likely escalate in our separation, but I want to stay on course. I must. We all deserve a partner in alignment and on the same page with shared dreams. We all deserve to love and be loved- to be seen, heard and accepted. We deserve a partner who will stay and not abandon us- and if they do leave for their own reasons and never come back, then they weren’t the right partner. Thanks for listening 💗 FHL--Good for you. You deserve much more than bread crumbs. Accountability: If you feel like texting him, post here instead. By going no contact, you are not telling him off or giving him an ultimatum. (Useless anyway.) You are removing yourself from his equation and you will find in time life is less stressful for YOU. (You may have a withdrawal period...) He knows where to find you. Thank you, sissyk Your messages have helped me for several hard months and I am truly grateful for that 💗 |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 1:37:09 GMT
Thanks for all the comments and insights. This weekend gave me new resolve to let go and go no contact. If and when my ex tries to figure things out - then we can talk. I could be more patient- it’s not that or lack of love. I just feel continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and that’s what I’d be doing if I kept reaching out. I tried doing things his way and it still resulted in continued emotional shut down and no connection beyond physical. Valentine’s night was a big sign for me- equally polite and shut down...and he sent me on my way after an hour or so at his place. I sent a sentimental bday text 2 days later and he responded in one word “thanks.” Numerous examples like these. The writing has been on my wall- I just had to be strong and accept no more bread crumbs. Now, my plan is to completely take my hands out of this and let him deal with his demons...or not. I held on for so long for fear of losing him, but I think I lost him a long time ago anyway. He’s a good person- I have no ill feelings at all for him, but he just refuses to deal. I wanted to post this first to encourage anyone who is in this AP/DA painful dynamic that hopes to feel strong enough someday to break free. It’s a process and each person has to do it in their own time, but it’s possible to come out on the other side. It still hurts and I’ll miss him, but it hurts a lot less than it did a year ago and the man I miss doesn’t present himself to me anymore. I’ve come to acceptance. I don’t want to let him go, I realize I have to. I also posted this for accountability. I know it’s going to be harder in the upcoming weeks and months to not reach out as my anxiety will likely escalate in our separation, but I want to stay on course. I must. We all deserve a partner in alignment and on the same page with shared dreams. We all deserve to love and be loved- to be seen, heard and accepted. We deserve a partner who will stay and not abandon us- and if they do leave for their own reasons and never come back, then they weren’t the right partner. Thanks for listening 💗 FHL--Good for you. You deserve much more than bread crumbs. Accountability: If you feel like texting him, post here instead. By going no contact, you are not telling him off or giving him an ultimatum. (Useless anyway.) You are removing yourself from his equation and you will find in time life is less stressful for YOU. (You may have a withdrawal period...) He knows where to find you. Yes, and you said it right- I gave no ultimatum or even “I’m giving you space” text. I felt a discussion would be useless bc I know he’s unwilling to talk, so after his “thanks” in response to my heartfelt bday text, I just left it at that. Yes, he knows where to find me but he’s never initiated once I’ve pulled back in the past. That’s ok, though. I couldn’t continue this way. He gives me only one part of himself- while it may be a very lovely part, it’s not enough for me. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Feb 19, 2019 2:10:01 GMT
faithopelove, I'm sorry you're in this painful position but think you are doing the right thing. I hope you are proud of yourself for how far your perspective has come since you started posting. You took on all the blame at first and seemed to have a difficult time focusing on yourself, and seeing the full situation objectively at that, and now you're really taking steps to put yourself first! There will be withdrawal, many of us have been there, but it will get better as you stay the course. If there are other self-care mechanisms you can test to cope (massage and posting here suggested already) or activities that may interest you to do for yourself and focus on you (I went heavier into yoga and into my sport of choice in early breakup days, I was in such great shape!), now will be a good time to lean in and try them. You'll be okay and get through it. You're respecting yourself and getting stronger every day, even if it doesn't always feel like it, and we support you for it! 💪
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 2:16:53 GMT
faithopelove, I'm sorry you're in this painful position but think you are doing the right thing. I hope you are proud of yourself for how far your perspective has come since you started posting. You took on all the blame at first and seemed to have a difficult time focusing on yourself, and seeing the full situation objectively at that, and now you're really taking steps to put yourself first! There will be withdrawal, many of us have been there, but it will get better as you stay the course. If there are other self-care mechanisms you can test to cope (massage and posting here suggested already) or activities that may interest you to do for yourself and focus on you (I went heavier into yoga and into my sport of choice in early breakup days, I was in such great shape!), now will be a good time to lean in and try them. You'll be okay and get through it. You're respecting yourself and getting stronger every day, even if it doesn't always feel like it, and we support you for it! 💪 Thank you so much, alexandra! Your posts have always been so insightful and encouraging this past year. I do think I’ve had a major mind shift in the past year and a half. In the beginning of his absence, it hurt just to breathe. The loss was too hard to bear, so I settled. Settled for any bit of himself he’d share with me. I feel I’m in a much stronger and healthier place- it won’t be easy but I feel it’s the right choice for me. Thank you for your support!!! 💗 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2019 2:26:42 GMT
glad to hear this faithopelove. whatever it is, focusing on yourself so that you can be the best and fullest version of yourself in whatever you get into is the best thing you can do for yourself. the struggle happens but think of it as a moulting stage where you have to go through some discomfort to transform into a butterfly! |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 4:38:38 GMT
glad to hear this faithopelove. whatever it is, focusing on yourself so that you can be the best and fullest version of yourself in whatever you get into is the best thing you can do for yourself. the struggle happens but think of it as a moulting stage where you have to go through some discomfort to transform into a butterfly! @shiningstar - Thank you! I’ll remember that- I’ll try to find a butterfly piece of jewelry as a physical reminder!! 💗 🦋 |
|
|
|
Post by sissyk on Feb 19, 2019 12:34:41 GMT
Agreed about focusing on your self care. I started doing sprints on the gym treadmill and lifting weights in this emotionally tumultuous year. I am stronger and that makes me feel stronger. I hadn't run in cough cough decades
Also if you don't delete his number on your phone at least rename him on it "I love myself more" or something
|
|
|
|
Post by boomerang on Feb 19, 2019 13:09:42 GMT
Also if you don't delete his number on your phone at least rename him on it "I love myself more" or something
Now, that is really a brilliant idea!
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Feb 19, 2019 13:25:36 GMT
Im one of those believers in the universe so if you really let go now the universe will send someone new. He will be secure attached/an aware person because you have done the work on yourself, you have learned lessons. The universe keeps sending us people to make us face what we need to.
You faced it, I have faced, and people here have faced it/facing it.
Also tonight is a night to burn candles and manifest, release, whatever it is you need. Not like you cant burn them any time but tonight is one of those nights.
|
|
