Dating tips attatchment styles, the 7 love phases

Imagine that you were dating yourself.
Would you like to ask youself out on a second date ?

How to find a sexpartner, a life long parter ect. when there's a second corona wave coming;

Dating corona tips:

The good thing about the pandemic is, that it can help you to choose more wisely before dating irl.

Choose quality over quantity!!!!

Everything begins with your dating profile on tinder, on a dating site, on a dating app.

Your dating profile:
Remember to put some good and up to date pictures, that looks like you, on your profile.

Your profile text:
Do NOT describe WHO you would like to date, but WHAT kind of relationship you would like to be in.

What kind of relationship / sex relationship would you like to be in?

What feelings, sensations, experiences ect. would you like in your relationship.
Make a profile out of it.
Also let your pictures tell/signal, what you would like.

Tips for men:
Women will read the text on your dating profile, so use some time to write your dating profile text!!!! Dont be lazy.

It's about attracting the right ones and scare the wrong ones away..

Describe one or two scenarios: ex. write what you would love to do, when you wake up in the morning with your boyfriend / date / sexpartner.

And think about what it is, that you want to express with your pictures.

An attatchment/SE/dating coach.

This is the second time this is happening to me. Im crushing on a guy who is everything else that what I am looking for in a partner.
We are having fun and I can feel that he thinks I am hot but he contains so many qualities. which go completely in the opposite direction of what I like about other people.
The guy Sidsel has fallen for sounds like uncomfortable company. She describes him as "selfish, self-righteous and angry."

Opposite attracts:
But this explanation is rejected by the American professor Matthew D. Johnson. He has examined whether we are most often attracted to people who are similar to ourselves, or to people who have completely different values ​​and personality traits.

“A very tenacious myth abounds that one is attracted to one's opposite. The problem is, it's not true, "acording to Matthew D. Johnson, a professor of psychology at Binghamton University in New York.

Matthew D. Johnson has written the book 'Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage'.

He reviewed research on relationships - including 240 studies that have examined whether people most often meet with partners who are similar or completely different from themselves.

None of the 240 studies confirm that humans are generally attracted to their opposite. psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-02230-004

“It is very substantiated that we are not attracted to our opposite. We are attracted to people who are similar to ourselves in terms of values, political position and personality, ”says Matthew D. Johnson.

Maybe she turned on by him

It could be that Sidsel has fallen for a guy because he is her opposite, but then she is an exception. In the vast majority of cases, we humans are attracted to people who look like ourselves, research shows.
Could there be other explanations why Sidsel has fallen for a guy who is selfish and self-righteous?
“My guess is that she is physically attracted to him,” suggests Matthew D. Johnson.
“It sounds like she is still in the dating phase and that it has not yet become a serious relationship. A lot of research shows that physical attraction is crucial to who we fall for when we date, ”he continues.

Physical attraction determines choice of partner:
Matthew D. Johnson mentions a study in which researchers asked people who were on speed dating, what they were looking for in a partner before entering the dating room. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18211175/
In the experiment, the singles mentioned different values ​​and personality traits were just as important before entering the room.
“But when the researchers afterwards asked them who they found interesting, it turned out that what had made the difference was whether they were physically attracted to the other. It applied to both men and women, ”says Matthew D. Johnson.
Relationships that have started with physical attraction can be long lasting. But if you do not share values ​​and goals in life, it can be hard work to make the relationship successful, says Matthew D. Johnson.
“I would advise Sidsel to consider whether the differences she mentions are acceptable and whether she can live with them. Otherwise, it may cause problems in the long run. It is very difficult to change your partner, "he says.

James Giles, who works at Roskilde University, Denmark, confirms that sexual attraction plays a crucial role with who we fall for.
‘Romantic love involves sexual attraction. I do not think you fall in love with someone if you are not attracted. But sexual attraction and infatuation are not the same as liking the other person, "says James Giles
"To fall in love, one does not have to like the other, but if love is to continue and develop into a long-term, healthy relationship, one must like each other," adds James Giles, who is also an external lecturer at the University of Cambridges, UK. .

www.amazon.com/Nature-Sexual-Desire-James-Giles/dp/0761840419, rowman.com/ISBN/9780761868903/Sexual-Essays-Gender-Desire-and-Nakedness

I do not like you - but I love you:
Sidsel is not the only one who has tried to fall in love with a guy she does not like, says James Giles, referring to the song 'You Really Got a Hold on Me', which became known with The Beatles. Here are a few lines from the song:

I do not like you
But I love you
(...)
You treat me badly
I love you madly. "

But even though The Beatles have sung about it, it's a little strange: How can you fall in love with a guy you do not like?
"It's actually not so strange when you know that infatuation and sexual attraction are closely linked," says James Giles, continuing:
“People are sometimes sexually attracted to things they do not like - for example, something they think is disgusting. You may think that something is not attractive at all when you are not sexually aroused, but when you get aroused, you are suddenly turned on by it. "
Example: Few women think that an erect penis is nice to look at if, for example, they are sent a dickpick in the middle of working hours. But if a woman has been courtshiped and is turned on by the man before being introduced to his secret parts, there is a greater chance that she likes the sight of his hard dick

Some explanations why Sidsel finds the guy attractive:

1) She wants to rescue him

2) Many women are looking for their father
Maybe Sidsel has fallen for a selfish and angry guy because he looks like her father physically.
"There is a tendency to choose a partner who looks like your mother or father," says James Giles, refering to an experiment that supports the hypothesis:
Subjects of both sexes have looked at pictures of unknown men's mothers and wives.
They have been asked to match the pictures according to which mothers and wives looked alike.
In most cases, the mothers and wives who, the subjects think, resembled each other, belonged to the same male partner.
‘It suggests that men often choose women who look like their mother. Other studies have shown that women also choose men who look like their father, ”says James Giles.

3) Some women like bad boys
Some women fall for bad boys. It could be men who have a violent temper, big muscles, boundary-seeking behavior and maybe brakes the law.
‘The extreme version is women falling for murderers and rapists. In Sidsel's case, it may be a mild case of her falling for bad boys. Maybe because she wants to save the guy we talked about earlier, or maybe because it's exciting, ”says James Giles.
When something is exciting, our bloood pumps around in the veins and the nervous system is up to running / is activated. It can almost feel like you are sexually aroused.
In fact, the feeling of excitement and sexual attraction are so similar to each other that one can get to confuse the two emotions, says James Giles and mentions an experiment:

In a Canadian experiment, an attractive female researcher interviewed men one at a time about some unimportant things.
The men were interviewed in two different settings: A group was interviewed on a high-hanging suspension bridge over a river.. The second group was interviewed by a quiet stream.
‘At the end of the interview, the woman gave the men her phone number and said they could call, if they had any questions. Several of the men she had interviewed on the suspension bridge later called her and invited her out, "says James Giles and continues:
“When conducting an interview on a suspension bridge, one’s nervous system is on alert. The men thought they were sexually attracted to the woman, but in reality it was probably the excitement of standing on a suspension bridge that excited them. "

www.straight.com/article-373746/vancouver/local-landmark-perfect-love-laboratory
www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0aMEkGlcQE

4) Poor self-esteem can lead to bad relationships
Sidsel may choose to initiate a relationship that is doomed to fail because she subconsciously tries to confirm to herself that she is a failure.
"We humans are constantly unconsciously trying to preserve the identity we have built through life," says James Giles, continuing:
»Perhaps Sidsel perceives herself as a failure. Then she chooses a relationship that, she knows, can not last. In this way, she confirms herself in her negative self-perception. Or maybe she confirms a basic assumption that men are terrible. "

Advice: Examine old patterns
So: There may be various reasons why Sidsel has fallen in love with someone she does not like. But according to James Giles, it is not abnormal. He ends by giving Sidsel a piece of advice:

‘It is important that she is aware of whether she is repeating old, inappropriate patterns. If so, I would advise her to investigate why she does. It is not fair to either her partner or herself if she initiates relationships which, she knows in advance, are doomed to fail. "

Are you too picky in your lovelife?

1) If you are too picky, it can be a self-protection strategy e.g.
you have given up being on a dating site/app and you think all the good ones are already taken, that there is no one for me
When a selfprotection is healthy, it is called being selective

2) You find fault with the other person and you overanalyze - ask your friends what is a tolerable fault. Ask yourself what do I need, so that I can protect myself in another way, than by finding fault with the other person

3) if I do not get fascinated and swept away then he / she is not the right one for me

What is an alpha male really ?

Alpha males: What is an alpha male ? - its not what you think...

The myth of the alpha male
The interesting thing is that the chimpanzee alpha male is not the selfish tyrant that many believe. It is a myth that the alpha male puts down everyone else for his own gain.
In fact, the alpha male is the most empathetic of all the males. He is even more caring than the females!
This is an important point:
The alpha male is the most caring in the whole herd!
But it makes good sense if you think about it. Because who do you want to be led by? What type do you listen to, respect and give decision-making competence? It is not an aggressive and dominant macho type. He quickly becomes unpopular, even though he takes up space, says his opinion and is quick to make decisions.
If you think of great leaders, presidents, statesmen, Viking kings, Native American chiefs, etc., are these so intimidating macho men who put others down with fear, and think only of their own gain?
No.
There is a huge difference between an alpha male and a macho man.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40433/

Negative experiences in your love life/dating life can (sometimes) give you a poor self-esteem/selfworth, drain your energy and get you in a bad mood. So what can you do?

- Stick with yourself! Be your own best friend.

- Have as much compassion as possible with yourself. If it's hard, turn it around: Ask yourself how you would react to one of your best friends, if they were in your situation?

- If you have self-blaming thoughts, the write them down and burn the paper
- do something physical: run, jump, do the dishes, clean, do gardenwork, paint, scream or sing, listen to music, take a bath or do sonething  else that you (normally) enjoy
- talk to some friends - maybe about something completely different

- Allow the emotions you are feeling to be there, to be here in this moment. Even if they are negative and unpleasant. Say, just inside of yourself, to the feeling: "It's ok, you are allowed be here right now!". You're only committed to this moment - not that it's going to be there forever.

- Sometimes it is helpful to place your hand supportively on the area of ​​the body, where the feeling is strongest.

- Sometimes you may experience resistance to allowing the feeling to be there. It is OK. So also allow the resistance. Say to it inside yourself: "It's ok, you are allowed be here too!"