|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 29, 2021 15:29:49 GMT
Are you stuck
Are you stuck in dorsal?
You feel hopelessness
We must get a yes from the nervous system to be able to do something, to be able to start dating.
If you want to date but you are stuck, then try to just think about dating
You need to make the steps so small that the nervous system can keep up and the nervous system feels safe but the nervous system does not get bored.
And try to do one of the following:
1) Create an overview of dating sites or
2) just just explore one dating site or
3) Ask others or
4) Watch a dating show
Notise what moods are coming up, which pictures are showing, notice the body, notise your thoughts; your sensations in the body
Try to regulate
- moving your eyes
- wiggle your toes
- move your body
- give yourself an orgasm
- talk to a friend
- pet your cat
ect
Then take a new tiny step tomorrow and remember to regulate before and after
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 31, 2021 8:17:50 GMT
No “Zsa Zsa Zsu” on the frist date ?
1: No physical attraction. You were simply not attracted to him. Sometimes you can not explain why you are not attracted. Other times there is a specific reason why you are not attracted to another human being, eg physical appearance, smell, grimaces, body language, type, etc. This is just the purely physical attraction, and it is your body that reacts on another human being. Your body feels either a yes or a no. Quite primitive and quite concrete.
2: One-way communication. He talked too much about himself and forgot to ask you questions. Therefore, it did not really become a dialogue, but a monologue that you were a spectator to. It's hard to be attracted to someone who does not seem interested in you, and it's hard to be attracted to someone when you are not playing yourself. You get tired and uninvolved in being together.
3: Uninteresting conversation. You talked about 'something third'. The conversation was based on a topic that was neutral and 'outside of you'. For example, work, study or corona. When we talk about topics outside of us, the conversation does not seem relevant, and it can seem like a long list of anecdotes or irrelevant information. The opposite of ‘something third’ is talking about who we are and how we feel and think. The point is, when we talk about neutral topics, we should rather return to how those topics affect us so that we show the other who we are. If we just talk about the job without telling how we feel about it, the conversation becomes superficial and yes… non-relevant to the conversation partner. If chemistry is to emerge, we must be able to mirror each other
4: Lack of humor. You can go a long way with humor! Really far. When we laugh together, there just happens to be some kind of attachment and a sense of togetherness arises. And if we can meet on the humor front in a relationship, we can also overcome a lot of problems because humor can provide a perspective on our problems. On a first date, we can use humor to break the ice and feel each other, so if there is no humor, we lack the feeling with each other.
5: No flirting. Well it almost gives itself. If there is no flirting on the first date, then almost no chemistry is guaranteed to occur. No twinkle in the eye, no humor, no touch, no fun… equals no chemistry. And conversely, you can say that if you lack the physical attraction, you are probably not very motivated to flirt, and therefore it sometimes just turns into a nice date with a little gibberish and there is not a greater need to go on another date .
So the next time you feel like a date went okay, but you still do not feel like repeating the success, consider whether these 5 reasons have been chemistry “stoppers”.
An attatchment, dating, lovecoach
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 8, 2021 10:02:56 GMT
The inner sabotaging voice
I have for a long time noticed a voice inside me that is very judgmental in relation to the fact that I have not had a man for a long time.
I wake up at night and hear this voice give a kind of "thunderous speech" about how unsuccessful I am, and about how the world sees me as a "loser", a "left-over", as my sister-in-law once said about those who have no partner .
This voice demands that I find a man NOW. And now that I'm actually motivated to get ready for love for the first time in my life, I hear it say I can't do it! I never got it, and can only forget to get it now.
It's real ambivalence: I demand that you do something that I know you will not achieve!
I must say I am happy to discover and dare to hear what I myself think / say to myself. I also have an idea of where this is coming from. At the same time, it's a lot of pain for me to relate to these thoughts. Can you help me understand their origins and what I can meet them with?
Guess they are scared, and maybe they need to be accepted and understood too?
Answer:
Yes, a voice from the past. Is it mother / father / sister-in-law / ex-partners who is in that voice? A voice that is definitely trying to take care of you, protect you - even if it's an unpleasant shape!
See if it is possible for you to talk to it when you wake up at night:
Say e.g. :
"Thank you for taking care of me - I can understand that you're extra busy right now when I'm getting more and more ready for a partner!"
"Yes, tell me what you're afraid of?"
"What are you afraid of if I were to have a sweet and lovely partner anyway - even though you think I'm a failed, losing woman who's a left over?"
Say to the voice "You are allowed be here - but it is ME who decides, because I am an adult now!"
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 9, 2021 6:02:28 GMT
First dates - advise:
Get rid of control
For example, you can try to get a little humor into the conversation,
you can keep a little more eye contact,
you can refrain from writing too long with him before the date, so that expectations are not raised too high,
you can make sure that the conversation do not become too superficial. If it becomes TOO superficial, there is a high risk that you will not be able to go on a new date with him.
Some of the things of what happens on a first date is out of your reach, and something else is within your reach. The trick is to discern and let go of what is beyond your control, and those are all things about him that you cannot change. It also includes whether he is interested in you or not. Out of your control. Just drop it.
Play:
Look at dating as a play. It's not as serious as you might think. There are more serious things in the world than dating. As I said, you can do certain things so that it becomes a good experience.And then there is nothing more you can do. You should drop the end goal (‘Is he the One?’) and just take a date for what it is. A quick meeting between two strangers. And then you can open up to that this meeting will be cozy, inspiring and filled with good chemistry, but you can not control it. Just be open to it. When you see it as a game, you will invest far less energy in him and you will relax more because there is not so much at stake.
Allow distance:
Let go of the control a bit. For example, it can trigger most of us if we do not get a response to a message within a reasonable time (and what is it?). We immediately think something is wrong. And sometimes there is, but other times not.
And if you automatically think there is something wrong, it could indicate that you are having a hard time dealing with the idea of distance between you. But it is actually in the distance that the tension between you can build up and one can look forward to hearing from the other and looking forward to seeing the other instead of fearing that something is wrong or instead of ending in a symbiosis. I am NOT talking about the distance where there is several days of silence. That mostly means he's checked out.
Dose your emotions / titrate
You do not have to invest too much emotions/feelingd in man who is still a stranger. You should not fantasize a lot about the two of you or believe a lot until he has proven that he is as dedicated as you to explore a relationship with you - ( some Men say so much*). Take one day at a time. Emotions can run Ahmad of us. See if it can be avoided until you know you want the relationship just as much.
Focus on you
You have your life, and so did you before he showed up. We tend to forget it when a man shows up we become interested in. But remember to continue living the life you lived before him. The things that were important in the past should still be important, even if he becomes a natural focus point. Hold on to your life, your interests, your friends and values, so that you also have something to offer him. But most importantly, so that you do not lose yourself.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 9, 2021 6:31:16 GMT
(Some) men talks a lot…! (blah, blah, blah)
The dating scene is often fast, it's use and throw away, it's big words without content, dramatic emotions in no time, and it's the cat after the mouse and the establishment of unequal balances of power, where one waits by the phone and the other is busy with other things.
There are a lot of meaningless unwritten rules in dating - do not follow them. You have not written the rules.
Do not let yourself get caught up in the game, but keep your focus on the relationship you want and say no thanks to men who think it's a game and that you're a piece in it.You have not written the rules. Do not let yourself get caught up in the game, but keep your focus on the relationship you want and say no thanks to men who think it's a game and that you're a piece in it.
When I say that it is fast and characterized by use and throw away, I mean that often after just one date you have found out that you are not a match. It's also nice enough if you feel a BIG no inside - of course you should not force yourself out on a date. But the depreciation of the other can also come, even if one actually has really good chemistry and a basis for something significant. It just does not matter if one of the parties is too busy to 'experience the world' and wants to taste all the dishes in the buffet. Then there may be bad timing, or you may have run into a guy who has to spend the next ten years “running his horns off” before he is ready for a relationship.
Fast, fast, fast
This fast pace is also expressed in big words and dramatic emotions that arise fast.. Words like ‘in love’ and ‘love’ occur after a few weeks (maybe days), but just as quickly they can be replaced by a lack of enthusiasm. When the infatuation ends after just 4-6 weeks and the involvement in the other becomes noticeably less, it is not a lasting or real infatuation. Then it's just initially fascination and attraction. But it is not sustainable if it is not replaced by more involvement in the other.
So if you have already lost your curiosity about your partner after 6 weeks, then there is no breeding ground for a relationship. At least not a satisfactory relationship. And there is no need to linger in the hope that he will suddenly open his eyes to you and become curious again. But in this exalted starting phase with big words and flighty, high-potency emotions, a lot is said. Often from men. What is said in this phase is often characterized by a lack of grounding and / or a desire to have the score dropped. It CAN also be completely true and sincere and come from the heart, but you may not know it at first. Time must tell iwhether the physical attraction and fascination develops into a deeper infatuation and commitment.
Chemistry can trick us
So when a man says' I'm in love with you 'after 3 weeks, I'm not saying you should be suspicious and shut your heart. But I do say,' Take it easy, and be curious about how the relationship develops. Keep an open mind and keep your feet on the ground. 'No matter how much you feel for this new amazing human being, at the same time be aware that it is basically a whole new relationship and you do not know what it leads to. It can lead to everything… or nothing. You need to be able to accept both scenarios (yes, I know, it's hard!).
You can quickly feel that the other is just right for you and that you two have a special connection, but in reality you really know nothing. That's what chemistry, physical attraction and a burning desire for a relationship can do to you. It can trick you.
The brain can quickly get confused, because in one way you are close physically and with big words, but on the other hand there are still a lot of places where he can potentially still disappoint you - and vice versa.
It may be the day you find out that he is actually quite superficial, uncommitted, pedantic and stubborn - and has no desire to change any of these things. So the emotions that emanated from the physical attraction cannot last. They should preferably develop into feelings based on his personality and how you feel together and how YOU feel about yourself when you are with him.
It could also be that you get so caught up in the 'game' and the dazzle that, against your better judgment, you just WANT to return to the emotions in the beginning and thus spend the rest of your time with him forcing a state that is no longer there . All the while, you forgot to look at that he is actually quite superficial, uncommitted, pedantic and stubborn. You just forgot to attach any importance to it because you were distracted by the dramatic emotions and by the project 'How do I hold on to him?'
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 20, 2021 16:07:26 GMT
I got divorced 2 years ago after a marriage of 14 years.
I would now like to date again, but the men I meet say they are not ready. I have datet 4 different men.
Tips:
A broken heart takes time to heal.
The men you meet may reflect that you are not ready yet.
Do you enjoy your life and do the things that make you happy on a daily basis ?
How erotic do you dare to be on your dates?
The masculine likes to see some bare skin. (a shoulder, a leg ect.) - it is a bait to the masculine.
Up until your date, prepare yourself to be turned on. Be sexual. When on a date, feel your sensuality and your sexsuality. You can imagine how it would be like to have sex with your date.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 22, 2021 6:43:28 GMT
Do you have a deep longing ?
Do you want to find a partner ?
Do you want to be found by a partner ?
I want to be found - this is the feminine approach
I want to find a partner - this is the masculine approach
I want to be found also connects to I want to exist
Maybe you had a dad who complimented you for what you did or how you looked, but he dident really see you as the Human being that you are.
Try to feel, sense how it feeels to excist
The masculine approach is to go out and look for a partner, the feminine approach is to be found
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 23, 2021 6:21:16 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Oct 23, 2021 13:08:24 GMT
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2021 13:53:10 GMT
Yes! I swiped left on my boyfriend too hahaha. But then met him later in person by chance- I vaguely recognized his face but couldn't place him. I knew I wanted to find a man with whole I felt warm, safe, appreciated, warm fuzzies like I feel with my good friends. I noticed how I felt inside when I was talking to him and made a conscious choice to say yes to that. The attraction wasn't there initially but it grew! |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Dec 5, 2021 10:04:56 GMT
A lot of people in my coaching praxis are in doubt about whether they have set good enough boundaries against bad behavior.
Many of them think that they need to articulate a boundary before it comes to boundary setting.
We all set boundaries all the time without putting words into it.
When we withdraw from another human being, when we create distance, when we ignore that person, etc. It is also setting a limit, just nonverbally.
Think of the way you raise a dog, where you do NOT reward bad behavior with attention
We meet so many people all the time in the public space that it would be quite demanding to have to set a limit to all those who, for example, drive too close to you, stand too close to you in a queue, etc.
We have inner circles and outer circles in our lives.
The inner circles are the people who are close to us, and here it can make really good sense to communicate our boundaries verbally, as communication is important for good relationships.
But then there is the dating world, where we are in the outer circles. Here, it does not always make sense to communicate boundaries. It's a kind of overinvestment in a relationship that is not yet a real relationship. Here it is better to observe the other person's behavior and then just assess whether it is something you feel like letting into your life. There is NO reason at all to educate on basically strangers that you can just distance yourself from. They should not be in your life anyway
The problem arises, of course, if you've got feelings for the person.
Therefore, it is quite important in the dating world that you turn down the speed so that your feelings, which are otherwise based on fantasies and longings, do not run off with you. Take it easy and get to know the other person so you know if there is room to let the emotions develop.
So number 1 rule: Go slow!
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 3, 2022 15:16:38 GMT
Im Afraid that the physical attraction will disappear
What has happened since the last time is that I have started a relationship with the man I have dated for a long time (one year). I decided to see him a little more often since things developed too "slow". It was mush better. We have had some very nice experiences and good conversations. It's calm and fun to be with him. I relax and feel that I can be myself, but no rushing infatuation or a stormy desire.
In the beginning I wanted him at a physical distance. I / he has chosen to have respect for that, at the same time as I have hoped that something would eventually be awakened in me, also physically. It has ibeen quiet and calm, and at my own pace.
Everything is quite different than I am used to, and I am pretty sure that this time I can experience mature love. At the same time I am quite scared (scared of: that the physical should not work in the long run )
Answer:
The physical / sexual ignition
Our culture is deeply marked by the fact that the sexual must "run by itself". Of course, it's great when it does. But it is more common than uncommon that it does not do after 2-5-10-20-30 years or if one becomes stressed, ill or loses a loved one - UNLESS you as a couple actively do something about it,
E.g. date nights where you court each other, and in general put the erotic and sexual on the program and in the calendar.
Suggestions:
A. Time to talk about your sex life, fantasies, desires, and needs. Find out and talk about what turns you on, respectively. turn off your ignition individually. TIP: It starts OUTSIDE the bedroom! (inspiration "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski) The couples who talk about their fantasies with each other generally have a better and more satisfying relationship, so it benefits everything beyond your sex life.
B. Time to explore different foreplay and love places, positions, times, play with sensual touch that does NOT lead to sex, compliments to the body, etc.
C. Feel free to use energy work to build up the erotic energy, e.g. yin the breath for you as a woman and he yang the breath,
Also using the connected breathing (can also be done while you make love), lots of eye contact, touch, movement and sounds together during lovemaking but also as foreplay.
It is also great to practise to build and accommodate more sexual energy by stimulating the other close to an orgasm (up to 9 on a scale of 10) and then taking a tiny break until you are down at 5-6 and then again stimulate up to 9. This is repeated sometimes, increasing the capacity for orgasms and multiorgasms, and for the man he can typically last for a longer time (if it is an issue).
You can also do the exercise alone (but it's really cool to do it together, it increases intimacy).
The couples who have sex once a week are the couples who on average are most satisfied in their relationship! Yes, that surprised me quite a bit. We have always heard about Wednesday and Saturday night ...
Either way, remember that we are all different, and the important thing is to clarify each other's and our own needs. It's fine if you agree on something other than once a week.
As described in the book "Come as you are", the female desire can be very fluctuating. But in short, the foreplay starts the next time for the woman when intercourse ends! (eg whether you get your need for closeness, hugs, eye contact or maybe a little chat before upstairs intercourse fulfilled).
An attatchment, SE, trauma, vita love coach/therapist
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 3, 2022 15:39:59 GMT
Will others dislike me because of my boyfriend?
I am quite scared of: everyone else's reactions to my choice.
He is not a "to show in the world" (= not pretty and handsome enough), so in my mind I am afraid that others will reject me / lose respect for me due to my choice.
I'm surprised at how dependent I am on "the world", because I will never be able to find one that EVERYONE will approve of !!
Reply:
Others' reactions (condemnation) of one's choice of partner
In the mechanism of infatuation, this is actually included in the form of "Does this partner give me status?".
Unconsciously, we give a potential or real partner points based on, this among other things.
This part is built into us completely unconsciously and sometimes also consciously.
The good thing about noticing these thoughts is that you can do something about them.
A. Your partner is not YOU and other people see you as 2 seperate individuals. Even your children can not be held responsible, not even if they are adults.
B. Others judge others by who they are. If they love you, they look at your partner from the question "Does he make you happy?" and not how he looks or whether he is tough enough. In addition, other people's filters can see everything possible and impossible, because that's how we humans are. We see others from who we are - in the first place.
C. WHO do you think will judge him "out"? If, for example. It is your mother, why is she doing this - so what is her intention to do this instead of rejoicing on your behalf?
D. Is this fear of condemning him basically your projection that you might condemn yourself (as an automatic / bad habit from when your self-esteem was lower)?
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 3, 2022 15:53:12 GMT
The inner sabotaging voice
Questions
I have for a long time noticed a voice inside me that is very judgmental in relation to the fact that I have not had a man for a long time / have a husband.
I wake up at night and hear this voice give a kind of "thunderous speech" about how unsuccessful I am, and about how the world sees me as a "loser", a "left-over", as my sister-in-law once said about those who dosent have a partner.
This voice demands that I find a man NOW. And now that I'm actually motivated to get a boyfriend for the first time in my life, I hear it say that I can't do it! I never got it, and can only forget about getting it now.
It's real ambivalence: I demand that you do something that I know you will not achieve! I must say I am happy to discover and dare to hear what I myself think / say to myself. I also have an idea of where this is coming from. At the same time, it's a lot of pain for me to relate to these thoughts.
Can you help me understand their origins and what I can meet them with? Guess they're scared, and maybe they need to be accepted and understood too?
Answer:
Yes, it’s a voice from the past.
Is it mother / father / sister-in-law / ex-partners who is in that voice?
A voice that is definitely trying to take care of you, protect you - even if it's an unpleasant shape!
See if it is possible for you to talk to it when you wake up at night: Say e.g. : "Thank you for taking care of me - I can understand that you're extra busy right now when I'm getting more and more ready for a partner!"
"Yes, tell me what you're afraid of?"
"What are you afraid of if I were to have a sweet and lovely partner anyway - even if you think I'm a failed, losing woman who's a left over?"
Say. to the voice: "You are allowed to be here - but it is ME who decides, because I am an adult now!"
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jan 3, 2022 16:20:37 GMT
To choose or to be choosen ....
I have discovered that I reject all the guys who approach me. ... It awakens like nothing in me ...
Incidentally, it turns me on to be the one who goes hunting. Evnen if it's a guy I barely know or where nothing comes out of it - it does not even disappoint me.
What is it about?
How do I break this pattern ?
Answer:
The very short answer is that it is a subpersonality that protects you from involving you in a man where love can succeed.
Exactly for you perhaps to a great extent to protect you from getting into a relationship that might look like what you had with your ex-husband.
It seems this part of you is fortunately very dangerous and it will avoid it at all costs.
Another way of saying it: It is your insecure attachment patterns that recreate the feelings and moods that you have experienced as a child. as an adult.
It requires you to be diligent in doing the work to get ready for a partner.
WITHOUT being overwhelmed, because if you are overwhelmed you can do nothing right!
The healing must be adapted to your energy and stress level!
Use these 3 principles regarding exercises:
- gentle = self-love and care
small chunks
slowness and good time - it will not be better to do a lot in a short time if your nervous system can not manage to integrate.
Then at best it's just wasted. At worst, it provides overwhelm.
The more you follow these 3 principles, the more healing
|
|
