ADHD, FA, HSP, anxiety, depression

Anybody willing to share their experiences with marijuana in relation to relationships/ self development/ mood problems etc?

Good to hear from you again Sorgin. I hope you are doing ok.

I dabble every now and then recreationally. But less than you did. I would say perhaps once a month or less.

I'm sorry you had to feel those bad thoughts whilst high. It sounds very unpleasant. I think you are describing the paranoia which is quiet a commonly reported phenomena. I also find it makes my OCD worse. Mostly because of defects in short term memory. But yes I agree if you are in a crisis or similar acute bad state of mind I can imagine the paranoia and anxiety could magnify that. Sometimes when I smoke I get awful episodes of imagining my ex in very graphic sexual situations and its terrible, like a form of self torture. Luckily it doesnt happen all the time.

What you said about feeling too different to find someone to share your life with. That resonated with me. It is a fear I have too. The disconcerting sensation that you are somehow just very different and don't fit in. Although I'v always had friends, and more often than not a romantic partner in some fashion or other, I always felt like an outcast of sorts. That probably makes sense to you.

My own experience with weed is mixed. I was very much against it for a long time. And never even tried it until my thirties. But I was more so against stoner culture than the drug itself.

In terms of effect regarding relationships/ self improvement/ psychological health etc then I would say it has a significant effect for me.
Mostly regarding cognitive flexibility. My normal thoughts are so rigid. I often cannot process things people are trying to explain to me, and it frustrates them and angers me. It's like they live in a different world sometimes.
When my therapist talks to me about certain topics I cant process, I describe it like me asking her what purple feels like. And she's like "what do you mean what purple feels like, those words dont make sense?" and I say "exactly!" That's what is feels like when you talk about some of this stuff and I cant process, despite trying so hard. But when I'm high, I sort of get it. I can see things from different perspectives.

Plus, sex is just awesome high. ha

I have decided to change my attachment style to TA instead of FA based on my recent dating history....

I feel as though Terrified Avoidant more closely fits the bill these days lmao.

I am doing good so far, thanks Krolle, I hope you're doing well too, I am hanging over here and reading you all even though I don't participate quite frequently. I don't have much to add on the forum but to learn instead. I am sorry it has taken so long to answer. Recently I am procrastinating a lot when it comes to talk back, it is like I don´t care being as careful as usual, I don't know exactly why. I hypothesize it may be related to the fact I am working in after-sale/repairing services so I have to deal not only with people but also uncomprehensive and angry people all day long plus I have a project that seems to never end due to my perfectionism and it is afecting my right to choose where and how I want to live so it is fueling a kind of a burnout feeling and an emotional hang over as well. I am highly avoidant of social commitments, dating, social life and everything related, I only hang out with my childhood friends and just because we rented a garage where we all gather. Suprinsingly I don't feel sadness at all, I am just fine. Also I am feeling more stupid and clueless, like my intelligence is at its lowest point and I lack the creativity I used to have. Maybe this is just an illusion, or maybe a trauma response, who knows, not me. I am not good at self-consciousness.

I am sorry you had to face those nasty thoughts, I know how it feels like, and it is not fun. Smoking weed while "being low" increases the risk of facing those episodes, but it seems it is working out for you so far. Could you give an example of your struggles for processing what others try to explain to you? it really intrigues me.

To me drugs are neither bad nor good, just chemical tools, it only depends on how you use it to be one or another, just like any other technology. I am glad that you feel like you see things from a very different perspective, it is what I find most fascinating about psychedelic drugs. I don't think marijuana had that effect on me, but I have strongly experienced it while on other psychedelics, specifically psilocybine. It is like watching the world from the eyes of the very wise and non judgemental version of myself and it increases the ability to dive into my mind and process things. Also I find it interesting that more dose doesn't mean better, more than 2.5-3 gr (I weight 70kg) blurs the experience, you experience more the hallucinogenic side of the drug, which I find it to be useless from a self/improvement perspective. I take about two trips a year since I discovered it. In Spain there is a legal gap that allows you buy growing kits for "mycological porpuses". Also you can go to the mountains and pick them up in autumn before winter knocks on the door.

I have read several surveys on the topic and I want to believe that they have potential for mental health, but more research is needed. My hopes are on the ability of the drug to increase the neuroplasticity of the brain so they might be a great tool combined with conventional psychotherapy.

I agree sorgin…..thank you for intervening because it is true…..I did not know the exact reason he used.  I am expressing how his use felt to me.  Also….as much as I want to blame him at times…the truth is…I was an active participant….at no time did I draw a boundary because in truth, I was addicted to the fantasy I had made of him.  

@introvert alexandra @anyone else reading.....


www.social-anxiety.com/avoidance-dependence/narcissistic-thinking-in-an-avoidance-vortex


This article articulates perfectly what I have been trying to convey for a while about my percieved link between narcassism, avoidance, shame and I actually think possibly undiagnosed ADHD could be linked in too. Plus social anxiety.

And my own self prophessed shame that I might be, as my detractors would say....Narcassistic.

I would like to add the caveat that the author is referencing Avoidant personality disorder , and not just the attachment style. Though they do link general avoidant personality traits in there too. And I think it would be very illuminating for anyone on the "recieving end" of avoidant behaviours. And 'perhaps' help view it with more compassion and understanding.

I'm sorry if this is triggering for anyone. I just found it a really intriguing read that resonated well with me and wanted to invite your commentary on it. I specifically enjoyed the story of "kim", who recounts her experience with admirable candour and insight in my opinion.

I'm particularly interested in your thoughts on it @introvert as our resident (former) DA.

I don't really have a leg to stand on against a professional who has treated people for 35 years. Maybe she's right about vulnerable narcissism versus the more grandiose kind. But... I still disagree. I understand, I understand what you're saying about where it all comes from. Having been in extremely close proximity to real NPD for many many years, though, versus avoidant attachers, it's just not the same thing at all.

For starters, what you say krolle makes sense in general, even as you question if you're a narcissist and reflect on your past behaviors. But just generally. Your posts make sense and have consistency and even growth. People with NPD don't do this, they don't look back on prior behaviors or events and feel bad, they have pathologized their shame or trauma or whatever to the point that it's not accessible to them. Neither is empathy, neither is anything besides "winning," and it's their own definition of winning that may not make sense to anyone else. Talking to them brings up all sorts of thought distortions and inconsistencies but they believe they're right so hard that you question yourself. All the time. Not just when they're threatened. Everything is about power and winning and control over as much as possible, getting attention and a response whether bad or good. Over time, you can't have consistent, logical discourse. Maybe you can occasionally, but bigger picture, you go in circles until either your brain fogs up or you give in verbally to keep the peace. It's a constant game unless the non-NPD decides to stop playing since it's all someone else's imaginary power dynamic construct anyway.

I am glad you can look back and question your past behavior, and even that you can feel shame about it. Honestly! That gives you so much room for growth. But I guess my question becomes, what do you gain out of trying to label yourself a narcissist? Does that help you grow or address or change anything? Does that let you off the hook because narcissism is something with very limited treatment options?