DA/AP long story

"...I saw her distancing, no smile, no kiss for hello. I asked what is going on...she said that she feels bad with herself and...with us. Of course she denied that it has something with the sex and intimacy situation during weekend..."
- maybe she has moved into a freeze state...?

She could also be affected by your attatcment style.

Maybe you have to titrate your time spend together and your phonecalls. Maybe it has been too overwhelming for her.

When having sex it can trigger trauma.
When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity.

You could have come with too much sympathetic charge for her nerveussystem to handle if she is leaning more parasympathetic…:
Notise if the partner you have chosen is leaning more sympathetic or more parasympathetic.
We can have a tendencie to attract the opposite of ourselves in our partner.
Polarity is good for your sexlife..
But sometimes the opposite can become too much for our nerveussystem to handle.
Ex for a woman who is more parasympathetic leaning with a tendencie to flee or freeze and with more elastic tissue with a man leaning more sympathetic with a lot of fight energy and collastic tissiuse and with a lot of testorone.
Sometimes the differencies can become too big so that it can brake the relationship or so that the person leaning parasympathetic can have a tendencie to go into freeze/shut down/dessociation when having sex because the other person's energy is too overwhelming.
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38550/ 

Reproduction and sex happens from the reptile part of the brain (and maybe the limbic part of the brain). It has nothing to do with pleasure.

Some women are less affected by the bonding hormone oxytocin when having sex. Some women has more testoron than others ect. Maybe you got more affected by the bondinghormone oxytocin after having sex and spending a lot of time together while she gets less affeted....(its is often recommended for a lot of women and for some men not to have sex until they know that the relationsship is moving forward/is getting more serious)

You can read more about sex, the nerveussystem and how it works when having sex, the rigid caracter structure,  the female menstrual cycle, the difference between having sex vs. making love, shame, how our ans is affected when having sex, that trauma can get stored in womens vaginas, 8000 vs 5000 nerve endings in the clitoris head vs the penis head, how to learn how to ride the wave ect. in the sex thread in the general discussion forum.

Maybe you have to titrate your time spend together. Maybe it has been too overwhelming for her.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2718/sexual-blueprint-attatchmentstyles

How did your couples counceling go ?

I think you should approach this relationship only from the coparenting angle. Neither of you are in a place to be in a relationship and you should both be single before you make any significant progress in both your therapies and couples therapy. The reason I’m saying this is because you will be in perpetual pain, when she withdraws and rest assured she will keep doing this if you choose to participate in this dance. You need to understand where you end and she begins, and you’re not understanding that. And since you’re not understanding it you will keep exposing yourself to this pain compulsively.
I feel your pain through my phone screen. That’s how palpable this is. I feel your pain and then your attempt to overcome it by a superiority moment of analyzing her. Figure out a way to un mesh and definitely keep going to your individual therapy.

Having sex with her was a bad move on your part. For you. You may never be in a healthy relationship with her and that’s a fact you need to learn to accept. You keep thinking you can change her and that therapy will bring the results you seek. While it will bring results - trust me - the results will be different from your expectations.

She needs to work on her attachment issues…you need to work on your own…for yourself….not for her, not for your kid….just yourself…or you will pretzel yourself trying to anticipate and meet her needs and then you will end up resentful.  Set some boundaries if you know she turns you on so that getting intimate isn’t so easy….because as you are now experiencing, there are post intimacy consequences….ie her distancing.

Thank you annieb and everyone for your compassion. It's really helpful to know that there are people that can understand me, and even been through this.

Today I was at my first ever meeting with att theory specialist. Well...it was an "interrogation" before our couple counselling, but questions she asked was so much accurate. So much. About my childhood and about our relationship, how do I act, how do I react when she dismisses/shutting her down (she was on a meeting week ago, so therapist had some input from my girlfriend).

This evening we've discussed my meeting and she is keen to go to that couple counselling. She looks very keen to attend, but...yesterday she had a meeting with her personal therapist. She described her an attachment theory, told her I am very into it. Her therapist said that I am manipulating her in any way to hold her. And she should trust her feelings, not my "manipulations" and "attempt to rationalise her fears and emotions", which maybe a clear signs that she do not accept me as a partner. What the fuck do I ask?

Att theory specialist invited us both into couple counselling telling us that she will "describe how we ideally fit each other", and "what are our fears of abandonment and engulfment", and how do we cope with those fears in unhealthy ways.

I don't know what her therapist said. I know what my girlfriend said two hours ago. And what is more, she said that her therapist told her that she is naive, and not trusting herself, but allowing me to influence her and fuel her doubts.
Yes, I think her therapist do not acknowledge and trust the attachment theory. She said that avoidant style is contrary to her "dependent personality", which they both work on in therapy.

I am wondering if I am a an AP leaning in relationship with an avoidant. Therapist during our meeting was asking me about my 10 yrs period, where I was acting dismissive, and I think she made some suggestions that I could be avoidant as well with a secure/AP's (whom I dated). I am still leaning towards conclusion that it was an AP behaviour - getting "bored" when I didn't had to pursue and my partner was available and loving. I was consistent in that dynamic. Either not engaging completely or engaging and then disengaging because of "boredom". And when I disengaged, that was it. Consistent. No typical avoidant deactivating strategies, no push&pull, no hot&cold, no criticism and searching for flows and rationalization why we do not match. It was just "love turn off". And when I was dumped, because my partners resigned - I turned AP and my feelings came back (not love really, it was an obsessive need that came from my fear of abandonment).
I am very courious about exploring it futher in couples therapy.

I would like to ask you guys about FA/DA criticism, scorekeeping and manufacturing flaws.
I see much inconsistency in how she perceive me as a person. When I am dismissing due to being tired or dumped, when I became unavailable, she is almost idealizing me. There is no criticism, no scorekeeping, she's even complimenting me, my life approach, my looks, my sense of humour, me being a stepdad. But when we are together, she slowly changes. First, there are some small things that I do wrong, and she communicates it with a humour. Then it grows, and I think it comes along with her feeling of being "unsafe". My faults in her eyes grows bigger and bigger. That is so overwhelming to me and mostly I am shocked how so small things can be so exaggerated and used to create conflict. That I can't put dishes into a dishwasher properly, that I am too harsh for her son (I was raising voice when he acted really unproperly during dinner), that I emptied bottle of wine and left it in a fridge, that I forgot to gave her mere 20 euros for something I ordered and she needed to pay for that (few days before that I paid 60 eur for tickets to the theatre for us and kid and didn't even though I would ask her for return). And she's not communicate straight and in a cool way. She does it later - with a lot of irritation.
And then she's dismissing, deactivating, rationalizing that I am irritating her in a way no one could. And that is why she feels so much tension inside her, so much anxiety and irritation that it is unbearable to her - and she feels unsafe in our relationship. She makes lot of statements about incompatibility. And her therapist encourages her in that, saying that yes - we are incompatible in everyday life and our temperaments differs.
And that is what is going on right now. It all happened after that weekend that we were close together, had intimacy and emotional sex. Just a click - next day morning she made a conflict around literally nothing. And every next day we met, there was something that I've done wrong. And now she is questioning herself is it attachment issues or we are incomatible, leaning to being incompatible, because I put dishes into dishwasher in a wrong way and it is so irritating.

So, what a compatibility really is? I hope that I am thinking secure here - for me, if someone is incomaptible with me, I can see it in early stages in relationship. I simply do not engage, do not fall in love. I can recognise that it is not the right person.

Of course, that is my point of view, she has her own. But it is only mine which is consistent. Am I right that avoidants usually uses "incompatibility issues" as a rationalization and a reason to step back?

We will have our first couples counseling next week.