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Post by tnr9 on Sept 10, 2021 14:17:09 GMT
I went to bed the last couple of nights and all I felt was this longing for him and I kept having these reoccurring thoughts of his life now with his wife and child and how rather perfect it was….I have never “missed” an ex the way I have missed b so I don’t fully grasp how to move forward. Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one…mixed with a general notion that when I am feeling any kind of fear, I automatically want to look to him for soothing. Thankfully this only happens at night and right before bed. I do have an international trip coming up so I do have a bit more stress in getting prepared for it….but it is so strange that this is continuing.
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Post by annieb on Sept 10, 2021 16:25:33 GMT
Because it happens at the same time every day I would think it’s chemical (subconscious and dopamine). Perhaps with the additional stress your cortisol is higher at night or some such thing. Because there is no way you consciously miss this dude, not after everything we’ve been through 😂
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Post by alexandra on Sept 10, 2021 18:02:02 GMT
tnr9, I agree with annieb. I also want to challenge that he was "the one." That's a scarcity mindset. In reality, there are multiple people we each may be compatible with. It's okay for them to still be out there somewhere. He should not diminish their value (and vice-versa).
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 10, 2021 19:49:47 GMT
annieb and alexandra….thank you both for your reply….yeh…..I think it must be something hormonal going on because I am fine during the day and don’t give him a second thought at all. And yes… annieb…good reminder about all I went through. I should dig out my old journals from that time and read them at night to remind myself how incompatible we were. I will discuss this with my therapist and see if she has any ideas because I don’t want this to be a regularly occurring thing.
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Post by krolle on Sept 11, 2021 0:53:19 GMT
I also find fatigue and lonliness to be a big factor in this. Sometimes if I'v been really stressed during a day and come home alone and exhausted I really crave my ex. Even though she nearly killed me.
It's my brain craving the comfort my connection to her provided (when she was not acting insane she was very loving).
When I'm lonely tired and depressed my brain wants comfort and familiarity. So it craves the last checkpoint I had that, which was with her.
Also for me, although I have had quiet a lot of relationships (in typical FA fashion) it's very rare I really invest in a relationship because of protective mechanisms. So when I do, It's enormously hard to get over when it breaks down. Because it took so much to overcome my fear and actually commit in the first place. My brain assumes she must have been very valuable if I was willing to overcome my fears like that and be vulnerable.
But then I wake up rested and the sun is out and it doesn't seem quiet as bad as the night before.
I feel your pain tnr9. The feeling of longing for someone who is both unavailable and not good for you even if they were is very painful.
I value you and share your pain.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 11, 2021 16:08:24 GMT
I also find fatigue and lonliness to be a big factor in this. Sometimes if I'v been really stressed during a day and come home alone and exhausted I really crave my ex. Even though she nearly killed me. It's my brain craving the comfort my connection to her provided (when she was not acting insane she was very loving). When I'm lonely tired and depressed my brain wants comfort and familiarity. So it craves the last checkpoint I had that, which was with her. Also for me, although I have had quiet a lot of relationships (in typical FA fashion) it's very rare I really invest in a relationship because of protective mechanisms. So when I do, It's enormously hard to get over when it breaks down. Because it took so much to overcome my fear and actually commit in the first place. My brain assumes she must have been very valuable if I was willing to overcome my fears like that and be vulnerable. But then I wake up rested and the sun is out and it doesn't seem quiet as bad as the night before. I feel your pain tnr9. The feeling of longing for someone who is both unavailable and not good for you even if they were is very painful. I value you and share your pain. Thank you krolle….this makes sense and I agree…when I had good times with b, they were really good. I loved falling asleep on his chest, listening to him breath. But that only happened a few times in the span of a 10 month relationship. There were way more instances of me going to bed and him staying up and watching episodes of the flash or puss and boots….way more times he would just leave and I would feel this loss…way more times he would not text for days and I would wonder if he was angry at me….I had 3 relationships that each lasted 3 years and for some reason, none of them come to mind the way b does. Also…I was all in before we even started dating….and that was new as well….to become obsessed with someone I did not really know…to befriend all the other women I thought he might be interested in so that they would not want to date him (this happened before dating and after the breakup). I read constantly about what men want to hear, what men love in a partner, how to show respect and admiration, how to give space, how to have conversations. All that to say…I agree and recognize the investment factor and how that is likely playing a role as well. Thank you so much for understanding and relating…it does help me feel less alone and less crazy. |
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Post by virusbkk on Sept 17, 2021 1:46:40 GMT
I went to bed the last couple of nights and all I felt was this longing for him and I kept having these reoccurring thoughts of his life now with his wife and child and how rather perfect it was….I have never “missed” an ex the way I have missed b so I don’t fully grasp how to move forward. Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one…mixed with a general notion that when I am feeling any kind of fear, I automatically want to look to him for soothing. Thankfully this only happens at night and right before bed. I do have an international trip coming up so I do have a bit more stress in getting prepared for it….but it is so strange that this is continuing. From the way you write, it very much sounds like this person is your phantom-ex. "Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one" "I automatically want to look to him for soothing" In your mind this relationship wasn't fully realised and you want to put it back together. Now that the person is truly unavailable and there is distance, you can romanticise and think wistfully about it. This will become a problem in your future relationships if not addressed, as you will use the phantom-ex to lower the value of the future partner, and create emotional space. The great thing is you're self-aware about it being an issue. Good luck! |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2021 2:43:31 GMT
I went to bed the last couple of nights and all I felt was this longing for him and I kept having these reoccurring thoughts of his life now with his wife and child and how rather perfect it was….I have never “missed” an ex the way I have missed b so I don’t fully grasp how to move forward. Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one…mixed with a general notion that when I am feeling any kind of fear, I automatically want to look to him for soothing. Thankfully this only happens at night and right before bed. I do have an international trip coming up so I do have a bit more stress in getting prepared for it….but it is so strange that this is continuing. From the way you write, it very much sounds like this person is your phantom-ex. "Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one" "I automatically want to look to him for soothing" In your mind this relationship wasn't fully realised and you want to put it back together. Now that the person is truly unavailable and there is distance, you can romanticise and think wistfully about it. This will become a problem in your future relationships if not addressed, as you will use the phantom-ex to lower the value of the future partner, and create emotional space. The great thing is you're self-aware about it being an issue. Good luck! Actually, my therapist and I agree that isn’t B I miss at all…it is the safety I felt when I was with him (which she and I agree that I can find in another partner). But since I don’t have a partner now….we both agree that when I feel an overwhelming amount of stress, “missing B” is my automatic reaction. She and I are working on ways to replace that….for instance, cuddling with my cat provides that same feeling of safety so whenever I miss B she wants me to replace that image with cuddling my cat. Thinking back…I have never compared new partners to old ones. |
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Post by virusbkk on Sept 17, 2021 5:53:25 GMT
From the way you write, it very much sounds like this person is your phantom-ex. "Obviously there is some unconscious part that clings to this notion that he was the one" "I automatically want to look to him for soothing" In your mind this relationship wasn't fully realised and you want to put it back together. Now that the person is truly unavailable and there is distance, you can romanticise and think wistfully about it. This will become a problem in your future relationships if not addressed, as you will use the phantom-ex to lower the value of the future partner, and create emotional space. The great thing is you're self-aware about it being an issue. Good luck! Actually, my therapist and I agree that isn’t B I miss at all…it is the safety I felt when I was with him (which she and I agree that I can find in another partner). But since I don’t have a partner now….we both agree that when I feel an overwhelming amount of stress, “missing B” is my automatic reaction. She and I are working on ways to replace that….for instance, cuddling with my cat provides that same feeling of safety so whenever I miss B she wants me to replace that image with cuddling my cat. Thinking back…I have never compared new partners to old ones. The only way you'll know for certain is when you actually start building a relationship with a new partner. If you find yourself thinking about this same person, or even worse, mentioning him to the new partner and/or wistfully thinking about the connection you had - that's your phantom-ex right there. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2021 14:13:44 GMT
Actually, my therapist and I agree that isn’t B I miss at all…it is the safety I felt when I was with him (which she and I agree that I can find in another partner). But since I don’t have a partner now….we both agree that when I feel an overwhelming amount of stress, “missing B” is my automatic reaction. She and I are working on ways to replace that….for instance, cuddling with my cat provides that same feeling of safety so whenever I miss B she wants me to replace that image with cuddling my cat. Thinking back…I have never compared new partners to old ones. The only way you'll know for certain is when you actually start building a relationship with a new partner. If you find yourself thinking about this same person, or even worse, mentioning him to the new partner and/or wistfully thinking about the connection you had - that's your phantom-ex right there. True…however, since I am in therapy and since I realize that it truly isn’t B that I miss but the fantasy version that lingered….I feel very confident that I will be over him when I date a new guy. This is the benefit of awareness and working with a therapist who is also aware of attachment theory. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2021 14:20:58 GMT
The only way you'll know for certain is when you actually start building a relationship with a new partner. If you find yourself thinking about this same person, or even worse, mentioning him to the new partner and/or wistfully thinking about the connection you had - that's your phantom-ex right there. True…however, since I am in therapy and since I realize that it truly isn’t B that I miss but the fantasy version that lingered….I feel very confident that I will be over him when I date a new guy. This is the benefit of awareness and working with a therapist who is also aware of attachment theory. Exactly- tnr9 it's not as if you aren't actively bringing awareness and working on this. virusbkk is this something you would like to say to the last woman you dated, as phantom ex was an issue that clearly impacted you? I think it's always helpful to focus on doing your own introspection about your own part in the dynamic. I know you're working on moving on from what SHE did but there is plenty address in your own side of things. That's where the answers really are. But you seem to be getting there. It's a challenging journey for sure. |
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Post by virusbkk on Sept 17, 2021 16:16:22 GMT
True…however, since I am in therapy and since I realize that it truly isn’t B that I miss but the fantasy version that lingered….I feel very confident that I will be over him when I date a new guy. This is the benefit of awareness and working with a therapist who is also aware of attachment theory. Exactly- tnr9 it's not as if you aren't actively bringing awareness and working on this. virusbkk is this something you would like to say to the last woman you dated, as phantom ex was an issue that clearly impacted you? I think it's always helpful to focus on doing your own introspection about your own part in the dynamic. I know you're working on moving on from what SHE did but there is plenty address in your own side of things. That's where the answers really are. But you seem to be getting there. It's a challenging journey for sure. I speak from the perspective of one party in a brief relationship who experienced said behavior first-hand, and was unaware of its existence & implications at the time. I gain or achieve nothing by rehashing my past. But,these behavioral patterns that I observed (and later came to understand) could possibly be of relevance to tr9 in her future interactions with potential romantic interests. As they say, being forewarned is forearmed. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 17, 2021 16:34:46 GMT
tnr9, I think your therapist is right. We chatted about this a loooong time ago, when getting stuck in those thoughts under times of stress is a fantasy and disassociation coping mechanism. I used to do it when I was extremely AP, if I had no other outlet I'd daydream about exes or crushes and miss them like that to project fears and stress to be something more familiar that I could handle. It wasn't really about the person or them being a phantom ex, it was about seeking a security blanket because I couldn't turn more inward and rely on myself.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2021 16:41:33 GMT
tnr9 , I think your therapist is right. We chatted about this a loooong time ago, when getting stuck in those thoughts under times of stress is a fantasy and disassociation coping mechanism. I used to do it when I was extremely AP, if I had no other outlet I'd daydream about exes or crushes and miss them like that to project fears and stress to be something more familiar that I could handle. It wasn't really about the person or them being a phantom ex, it was about seeking a security blanket because I couldn't turn more inward and rely on myself. Yep…and looking back, when I did not have a partner…I did rely on crushes…..I had a very long standing crush on a musician from when I was 13 to when I was in my early 20s. Then again, from 2001-2004 I had a crush on a drummer in a band. At those times I wasn’t dating anyone so I think I was using those crushes to help to regulate my nervous system. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2021 17:08:05 GMT
Exactly- tnr9 it's not as if you aren't actively bringing awareness and working on this. virusbkk is this something you would like to say to the last woman you dated, as phantom ex was an issue that clearly impacted you? I think it's always helpful to focus on doing your own introspection about your own part in the dynamic. I know you're working on moving on from what SHE did but there is plenty address in your own side of things. That's where the answers really are. But you seem to be getting there. It's a challenging journey for sure. I speak from the perspective of one party in a brief relationship who experienced said behavior first-hand, and was unaware of its existence & implications at the time. I gain or achieve nothing by rehashing my past. But,these behavioral patterns that I observed (and later came to understand) could possibly be of relevance to tr9 in her future interactions with potential romantic interests. As they say, being forewarned is forearmed. Oh, I see. You're only here to observe others and warn them about their own issues. Suit yourself, and better luck in your future "relationships" that go at lightning speed because of other people's issues. A little tongue in cheek humor there, but seriously, to each their own, people are here for different reasons and it all flies. |
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